(no subject)
Wondering if I'm worth the effort.
I seem boring, and a nuisance more than anything.
And the bad part is, I couldn't stop thinking about it today. It rolled over in my head so many times, I tried to drown it out with songs and not even repeating a damned kids cartoon theme in my head was working to banish the internal chant of 'Your a fuckup, your a fuckup.'
It was sad.
And try as I might, the damned smile wouldn't come to my face for the life of me. Fake it to make it was not gonna work.
All I could think of was asking Tim once I got home,'Why did you ask me to move in with you?'
Because I was really hoping for an answer beyond him needing help with the bills, and the fact that I spend so much time at the house, it wouldn't make a difference anyway. Something that might reveal some want of emotional connection, anything that might give me hope.
And that was my specific reason for, once I did get home, to keep my goddamn mouth shut.
Because to not get any kind of emotionally revealing answer at all... Would kinda suck. A lot.
Ever since I moved in here, it's like he has no want to exist near me for an extended period of time. No more sitting down watching tv next to each other, no more sleeping beside each other at night. No more closeness... and it hurts.
He cuts me off from even sitting next to him by placing himself in a singular spot or laying down. And like hell if I have ever had the balls to try and say anything at all..
My idiotic weakness of self, inability to speak up.
Yeah,
To say that I'm a little confused is probably obvious.
Most days I am happy, but I have a need to be close to people, and I am disallowed from having that with him. So instead, my sleep is uneasy and I dream of despair.
What the hell am I doing...
Told Charmika the other day that I love him, but that doesn't mean I have to like him all the time. She asked me honestly how often it was that I disliked him. And I told her it depended on the day but usually the hours of dislike at least added up to a day or two every two weeks... which she said was pretty normal.
I think I just have a pretty high tolerance level, and don't know where to draw the line with forgiveness where people and letting them rule my feelings are concerned.
Because I will literally block out the bad feelings, dig a hole and bury them just so that I can take more upon myself, because I already know that it will be coming. Just like it does every day. Just don't know to what extent it will be.
Just wish I could be cared for is all... didn't think that was too much to ask for, but apparently it's a lot more than I can be afforded right now.
Wish I could tell you that every day I could say out loud with any amount of conviction that I know that I deserve better treatment. I can say it, but it doesn't mean that I believe it.
Maybe he sees that.. and that's why he shies away... which only makes things worse...
I tend to me the reflection of how people treat me; treat me well, and I shine brilliantly, treat me poorly and I tend to wilt like a flower in the cold.
Wish I weren't so wierd.
I seem boring, and a nuisance more than anything.
And the bad part is, I couldn't stop thinking about it today. It rolled over in my head so many times, I tried to drown it out with songs and not even repeating a damned kids cartoon theme in my head was working to banish the internal chant of 'Your a fuckup, your a fuckup.'
It was sad.
And try as I might, the damned smile wouldn't come to my face for the life of me. Fake it to make it was not gonna work.
All I could think of was asking Tim once I got home,'Why did you ask me to move in with you?'
Because I was really hoping for an answer beyond him needing help with the bills, and the fact that I spend so much time at the house, it wouldn't make a difference anyway. Something that might reveal some want of emotional connection, anything that might give me hope.
And that was my specific reason for, once I did get home, to keep my goddamn mouth shut.
Because to not get any kind of emotionally revealing answer at all... Would kinda suck. A lot.
Ever since I moved in here, it's like he has no want to exist near me for an extended period of time. No more sitting down watching tv next to each other, no more sleeping beside each other at night. No more closeness... and it hurts.
He cuts me off from even sitting next to him by placing himself in a singular spot or laying down. And like hell if I have ever had the balls to try and say anything at all..
My idiotic weakness of self, inability to speak up.
Yeah,
To say that I'm a little confused is probably obvious.
Most days I am happy, but I have a need to be close to people, and I am disallowed from having that with him. So instead, my sleep is uneasy and I dream of despair.
What the hell am I doing...
Told Charmika the other day that I love him, but that doesn't mean I have to like him all the time. She asked me honestly how often it was that I disliked him. And I told her it depended on the day but usually the hours of dislike at least added up to a day or two every two weeks... which she said was pretty normal.
I think I just have a pretty high tolerance level, and don't know where to draw the line with forgiveness where people and letting them rule my feelings are concerned.
Because I will literally block out the bad feelings, dig a hole and bury them just so that I can take more upon myself, because I already know that it will be coming. Just like it does every day. Just don't know to what extent it will be.
Just wish I could be cared for is all... didn't think that was too much to ask for, but apparently it's a lot more than I can be afforded right now.
Wish I could tell you that every day I could say out loud with any amount of conviction that I know that I deserve better treatment. I can say it, but it doesn't mean that I believe it.
Maybe he sees that.. and that's why he shies away... which only makes things worse...
I tend to me the reflection of how people treat me; treat me well, and I shine brilliantly, treat me poorly and I tend to wilt like a flower in the cold.
Wish I weren't so wierd.