Trek fic: In Memory, gen
Title: In Memory
Pairing: none, trio friendship (Spock, Jim, Bones)
Rating: gen
Warnings: none, but contains STID spoilers
Word count: around 3600
Beta: the lovely imachar
Summary: STID missing scene fic: Spock gets called to account by Dr McCoy for the way he treated Captain Pike. Can they find a way to get past it?
Author's Note: As I strongly dislike the mind-meld scene in STID, this was my attempt to make sense of it. The interpretation of Spock was partly triggered by a discussion in comments with lindmere and weepingnaiad.
*
Leonard was sitting on the low wall that bordered the edge of the plaza in front of the Daystrom building. He was attempting to read the latest medical research digest while he waited but in fact he was watching the flow of officers going by, looking for a tousled dirty blond head.
Finally Jim came slouching towards him, with little sign of his usual bounce. “Bad news?” he asked.
Jim shrugged resignedly as he sat down next to Leonard. “Not terrible, same as before, except now I’m under Captain One. It’ll take months for the Enterprise to be fit for purpose. At least I’m not going back to the Academy.”
“They wouldn’t do that,” said Leonard, nudging Jim with his shoulder. “You did good, kid, and going up with One won’t be bad. She’s got decades of experience.”
“I know,” said Jim with a sigh, “it could’ve been much worse. But still....” His voice trailed off. “I guess Spock’s still with Abbott. I hate seeing my crew split up like this.”
“I wouldn’t bet on Spock and Abbott,” said Leonard, his voice abruptly hard with dislike. “I think Spock may have a surprise coming his way.”
Jim turned to him with a puzzled frown. “What’s up with you? I thought you were okay with Spock these days. You seemed happy enough after he got Khan back alive.”
“Yeah, well, I know stuff now I didn’t know then,” muttered Leonard.
“Stuff? Like what?” demanded Jim.
“I can’t say, he needs to be officially informed first,” said Leonard.
Jim’s protest was interrupted by Spock walking up to them. “Captain, Doctor.”
“Spock, you’re still with Abbott right?” said Jim.
“Apparently I am not. He has been assigned another first officer. I have been told to await further orders. I assumed I was being reassigned to serve with you.”
“I wouldn’t count your chickens on that one,” said Leonard.
“As I am sure you are aware, Doctor, I do not have chickens,” replied Spock, in that snippy tone of voice that told Leonard Spock knew exactly what the metaphor meant but was being willfully obtuse.
“And you won’t have any at this rate, because what you’ve apparently got in spades is attitude,” replied Leonard nastily.
“Dammit, Bones, what crawled up your ass and died?” protested Jim.
As he spoke Spock’s padd pinged. Spock pulled it out and tapped open a message, reading rapidly, and looking increasingly concerned as he did so. “I have been ordered to appear in front of a disciplinary tribunal. I do not understand. There is no logic to this.”
“It’s perfectly fucking logical. Actions have consequences. What a surprise!” snapped Leonard.
“Doctor McCoy, what would you know about this?” replied Spock with deliberate condescension.
“Guys, come on--” started Jim, but Leonard wasn’t interested in listening.
“What I know is that I lodged the complaint that triggered the tribunal,” replied Leonard.
Jim and Spock both stared at him. “Bones, what the fuck? What are you on about?” demanded Jim.
“An explanation would be appreciated,” said Spock icily.
Leonard was up on his feet now, nose to nose with Spock. “You mind-melded with Captain Pike while he was dying.”
“Bones, don’t be ridiculous. Spock was trying to help, weren’t you, Spock? Trying to give him a bit of comfort.”
“Oh yeah, because comfort is so much Spock’s speciality,” snapped Leonard. “Jim, Federation law specifically forbids Vulcans from mind-melding with non-telepathic sentient beings without informed verbal consent. To do otherwise is mental assault. And saying he meant well is not a defense. Anyway, I’m not at all fucking convinced he meant well.”
“Doctor McCoy, your insinuations are not--”
“Shut up, Spock. Jim told me how that last meeting you had with Pike went down. Your charming display of, what did you say? Multiple forms of attitude. And it was pretty damn obvious that while Pike was prepared to fight for Jim, he didn’t want you on the Enterprise. Why would you think he’d even want comfort from you?”
“Doctor McCoy, he was dying, I came to his aid, I have nothing to be ashamed of and did it in a spirit of compassion. I am Vulcan, I cannot lie and this tribunal will recognize that fact,” said Spock loftily.
“There you go, Bones, it’s a storm in a teacup and pretty damned disloyal of you to turn Spock in. You know Spock tells the truth.” Jim glanced over at Spock with a wry smile. “Way too much truth sometimes.”
“Oh yeah, Vulcans can’t lie, that’s such a great line to use on humans. We’ve no way to fight back on that one, which is why the tribunal is not just human.” Leonard turned from Jim to Spock. “You realise there’ll be Vulcans on the panel?”
“Vulcans?” Spock suddenly sounded a lot less sure of himself.
“Oh yeah. Humans may not like being mentally violated by Vulcans but Vulcans really despise one of their own who breaks that law. Fortunately, you won’t need to tell them you meant well. They’ll mind-meld with you, they’ll get to see what you meant, and see what Pike made of it.”
“But that’s not a problem, right Spock?” said Jim. “Like you said, you’re not lying.”
“Telling the truth is not the same as telling the whole truth,” retorted Leonard. “I bet you dimes to dollars he’s leaving out half a sector of detail.”
Spock stood in awkward silence, his hands now clasped tightly behind his back, his face a rigid blank mask.
“Spock?” asked Jim carefully. “Pike was okay with it, right?”
Spock didn’t reply, staring down at the floor and Jim became visibly more agitated as time crept by. Finally he couldn’t contain himself any longer. He moved right into Spock’s space, his hands balled into tight fists. “What the fucking hell went down between you and Pike?”
“Could we please not discuss this in a public concourse?” said Spock at last.
Jim grabbed him by the upper arm and began to steer him towards a flight of stairs that led off the plaza down to a small garden below it. “Bones, come on, I’m getting to bottom of this. You both owe me some explanations.”
Once they were down in the garden, tucked away in a reasonably private arbor incongruously framed by an abundance of pink roses, Jim turned on Leonard. “First, how do you know about this?”
“Nyota told me,” replied Leonard, “not that she realized it was a violation, she was telling me about it as in ‘isn’t it great that my boyfriend’s more in touch with his feelings now’.”
“So you sold Spock out based on a private conversation with his girlfriend? Fuck you, Bones.”
Leonard turned on him incredulously. “Are you seriously suggesting that assault is okay as long as a friend of yours did it? What about Pike? After all he’d done for you? Just because you or me, or even him--” He gestured dismissively at Spock. “Just because we’re good people most of the time, doesn’t give us a free pass when we fuck up. Didn’t you learn anything from Pike?”
Jim glared at him for a moment and then abruptly turned on Spock. “Why did you do it? And spare me the offering comfort crap. Bones is right, for someone who’s such a stickler for rules, you were rude as hell to him and he didn’t want you on his ship. What were you looking for?”
“Having prepared myself to die in the volcano, having come so close and then suddenly.... not, I needed to understand how it might feel to die,” said Spock carefully.
“In the moment of his passing, you were still making it all about you? Fuck, aren’t you a prize,” said Leonard.
“Shut up, Bones. Spock, you could’ve been chasing down Khan, you could’ve been calling for medical help. And you chose to take a moment to consider the meaning of death?” Jim sounded skeptical. “I’m not convinced. What else did you want?”
There was a long uncomfortable silence before Spock finally answered. “I was aware of the significance of not being posted to the Enterprise, I was fully qualified to be the chief science officer if you were to be first officer. I had not expected to be transferred. I had not intended to offend him at that meeting. I did not understand why he now disliked me. I just... I--” Spock paused again. “I wanted to understand what he thought of me.”
“I can tell you why he damned well despised you,” cut in Leonard. “As a command team, your communication was so bad that you didn’t even talk to each other about that fuck-up of a mission. And that falls your shoulders, Spock. You’re older one, the more experienced one. God help us, the supposedly logical, mature one. You were first officer, you should’ve ensured you and your captain were on the same page - and you fucked up completely. And then gave Pike a face full of attitude when he called you on it.”
“That’s enough, Bones. Spock, what did you find out?” demanded Jim.
“I did feel loneliness and fear within him, I told you the truth, Jim, but it was a truth without substance.”
“What a wonderful euphemism,” muttered Leonard.
Spock regarded him stoically for a moment. “Very well Dr McCoy. It was a lie. The fear and loneliness I felt within him was quite unlike what I feel within myself. He was frightened by dying, but he was proud of his life and his thoughts were of his friends. Mostly he felt he was failing those he was leaving behind. He thought of you, Captain. He was concerned that other officers would be put off by your brashness and would not recognize the brilliance - and the vulnerability - that lay beneath it. He loved you. He believed you could be a great captain, if you could just find a way to constructively focus your talent.”
“Fuck!” Jim covered his face in his hands and then pushed his fingers into his hair. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I hate myself for not trying to save him, haring off to chase Khan instead. I should have... If only...” His voice broke.
Leonard squeezed Jim’s shoulder gently. “He believed in you, kid, never forget that.”
“He thought of you too, doctor,” continued Spock.
“Me? In relation to Jim?”
“Yes, but not exclusively. He was proud of you, Dr McCoy. He believed you were one of the very best of all the recruits he brought into Starfleet. He was proud of the way you rebuilt your career and he was deeply grateful for all you did for him after his incarceration by Nero. He cared a great deal for you.”
“Well, fuck,” muttered Leonard, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“He thought too of Dr Boyce, I had not realized they shared an intimate--”
“That’s enough, Spock,” interrupted Leonard. “His thoughts of other people are not yours to discuss or ours to know. That’s private.”
“I understand that now, Dr McCoy, I regret that I did not do so before.” After a moment of silence, Spock continued stoically. “The truth is that he did not want me in his mind, he tried to push me away. He did not think much of me, but mostly he did not think of me at all. His thoughts were with those he loved.”
“Fuck you, Spock,” spat Jim. “How could you?”
“Captain, I--” Spock stopped abruptly. “I have no excuse.”
“Spock,” said Leonard, his voice now thoughtful rather than angry, “you said your fear and loneliness were not like his. What are yours like?”
Spock drew up himself up and turned to Leonard, his voice snippy once more. “Doctor McCoy, I do not have to answer to--”
“If you ever want to serve on a ship with me again, you will answer the questions my CMO is asking you, Mr Spock. Do you understand?” said Jim with grim authority.
Spock deflated, with shoulders hunched and eyes downcast. “I understand, Captain.” He looked uneasily across at Leonard. “I found from Admiral Pike that fear and loneliness do not automatically come inextricably intertwined with self-hatred. I had not known that.”
“But--” started Jim. Leonard waved him into silence.
“What do you think that self-hatred is about?” asked Leonard.
“I am aware that a common outcome of surviving catastrophic events is survivors’ guilt. Why should I be here and healthy when so very many far better than I died on Vulcan?”
“You get support from Nyota, though, don’t you?” asked Jim.
“I do, and I am grateful for that. But even that brings obligations of its own that I often fail to meet, as you saw on the shuttle, Captain.”
“I’m sure that’s all very true, but it’s also a damn convenient place to park all the blame, don’t you think?” challenged Leonard. “No one’s gonna disagree that a Vulcan survivor is probably a traumatized fuck-up. But Spock, this attitude shit in the face of authority, you had that going before Vulcan went down, didn’t you?”
“Jeez, Bones, give the guy a break, after all he’s--”
“That’s the dammed trouble, Jim. Every time someone gives the poor Vulcan survivor who watched his mom die in front of his eyes a break, Spock gets to avoid the real issue. And Spock, I bet you know what I’m talking about, if you’re honest with yourself. Think about the Kobayashi Maru tribunal.”
Jim and Leonard waited while Spock stared down at the grass, hands clenched achingly tight behind his back. “I do know what you mean, Doctor,” he admitted at last. “But I don’t know why it happens, I.. My control... I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” replied Leonard. “D’you want to hear what I think is going on?”
Spock looked at him skeptically. Leonard huffed out an aggrieved sigh. “I do have a doctorate in psychology, Spock. Try trusting me for once.”
“Very well, Doctor. Please proceed.”
“You get a fistful of snippy attitude when your own guilt runs up against authority. Something happens that leaves you ashamed. With the Kobayashi Maru a mere human cadet hacked your code. After Nibiru, your report got your captain into serious trouble. You’re up in front of authority having to explain yourself and you’re feeling defensive and humiliated. Admiral Barnett with the Kobayashi Maru, Admiral Pike this time. And you take offense as the best defense with a flood of fancy worded aggression, waving around logic like a weapon when it’s all just about your humiliated emotions.
“I don’t know why you’re like that, whether it’s just an unfortunate mix of Vulcan and human characteristics. Or it’s got something to do with you turning down the Vulcan Science Academy to come to Starfleet instead. I’m sure your childhood wasn’t a picnic either. Whatever, you’re an adult now, it’s a problem and that problem is yours to deal with. But you’ve gotta stop hiding behind logic and superiority and imploded planet trauma.”
Spock stared down at the grass for several minutes before finally replying. “You are right, Doctor, in every regard. I do not have the empathy to be human, or the control to be Vulcan. I apologize, Captain, for everything. I have nothing to offer you,” said Spock stiffly. “I will resign my Starfleet commission.”
He turned neatly on his heel and began to walk away from them.
“Spock, wait--” started Jim.
“Coward!” yelled Leonard.
Spock spun round. “What did you call me?”
“Coward. Fucking drama queen. It’s all about you, even when it comes to falling on your sword.” Leonard stalked over to where Spock stood.
“See him?” Leonard gestured back towards Jim. “He’s been busted back down to first officer, he’s serving on the USS Kenyatta under Captain One while the Enterprise is repaired. But ten years from now? He’ll be Captain Kirk, no one doubts that. It may take him two years to get there, it may take three, but by then this’ll all be old history. An amusing tale to tell at the bar, an encouraging story for young officers trying to work their way up. And you?”
Leonard stabbed his finger in Spock’s chest. “Where’ll you be in ten years time if you do this? You’ll be a fucking footnote in Starfleet history, long forgotten. Suck it up, the way Jim’s doing, the way I am, try actually admitting to your mistakes for once and learning something, and then move on!”
“You have not made egregious errors, Dr McCoy,” replied Spock in a tight, tense voice.
“Not on your scale, no, but I haven’t exactly covered myself in glory either. I got my ass handed to me by Dr Boyce over Jim’s demotion.”
“You did? Why the hell?” demanded Jim. “None of it was your fault.”
“Well, that’s not quite true,” replied Leonard. “Boyce was Pike’s CMO for years, and he made it crystal clear to me that a CMO doesn’t just fix broken bones and wipe runny noses. The CMO’s supposed to keep the captain on the straight and narrow and I did a pretty poor job there. And honestly Spock, I recognized that my first officer had problems, but did nothing about it? That doesn’t reflect well on me, no matter how damned difficult you are to deal with. I’m on an accelerated rotation through the med-bays of a couple of other ships before I get back on the Enterprise. The truth is none of us did all that well, we were too busy playing space-cowboys to really get the importance of our jobs.”
“It is not possible to recover from such a significant mistake,” said Spock stubbornly.
“Oh, get over yourself. Both of you, you’re so fucking young. You still think a successful career is a one-way ride up into the sky. Let an old man tell you something--”
“You’re not old, Bones, come off it.”
“It’s the mileage that counts, kid. While you two were still being fucking annoying teenagers - don’t give me the evil eye, Spock, I bet you were a specialist at the epic sulk. Anyway, as I was saying, I was busy going down in flames with my first go-round at a professional career. What with my divorce and some messy stuff with my dad dying, I let my work go into a tail-spin. I only wasn’t fired because they strongly suggested I resign. Do y’all think it was fun for me to be back in a dorm in my thirties, with class-mates with pimples, whose voices had hardly broken? I’d been an attending cardiothoracic surgeon at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the US. I was humiliated to be a cadet, but I sucked it up, got back in the game, and when Jim’s finally a captain for more than five minutes at a time, I’ll be there as his CMO. Where are you gonna be, Spock?”
“What do you suggest I do?” said Spock eventually.
“Face the tribunal. Admit you were wrong and take whatever they dish out. And for the love of God, try to understand why you got it wrong. Get yourself some therapy. Even if some of the higher-ups are moribund, and a few like Marcus are just plain evil, doesn’t mean there ain’t knowledge to be learned from them. We don’t need to be perfect, Spock, but we damned well shouldn’t think we’ve nothing to learn. We just need to keep on trucking, trying to do better next time. Two years, Spock, and we can all be back on the Enterprise, but not if you resign.”
“One year!” interrupted Jim. “I’m gonna get her back in one, and I’m gonna get us a deep space mission.”
“Dammit, Jim--”
“One year, Bones,” said Jim, now deadly serious. “You’re right and Pike was right, we can be better than this. In memory of Captain Pike and everything I’ll never be able to learn from him, I’m gonna get this right and I’m gonna get her back. Are you in?” Jim extended his arm, hand balled into a fist.
Leonard closed his hand over Jim’s. “I’m in. In memory of the best captain we’ll never serve under.” He looked over to Spock. “Well? Are you in or ain’t you?”
After a moment of hesitation, Spock put his hand over Leonard’s. “I will do all I can to convince Starfleet to let me continue to serve. And I will work to earn back your trust, Dr McCoy, and yours, Captain.”
Jim put his other hand on Spock’s. “It’s commander, Spock, again.”
Leonard put his hand over Jim’s. “Yeah, yeah, what he’s trying to say in his constipated Vulcan way is that you’re our captain, whatever the brass call you.”
Spock complete their pile with his other hand. “Dr McCoy is correct, about this and other things. We do this together, in memory of Captain Pike.”
- THE END -
Pairing: none, trio friendship (Spock, Jim, Bones)
Rating: gen
Warnings: none, but contains STID spoilers
Word count: around 3600
Beta: the lovely imachar
Summary: STID missing scene fic: Spock gets called to account by Dr McCoy for the way he treated Captain Pike. Can they find a way to get past it?
Author's Note: As I strongly dislike the mind-meld scene in STID, this was my attempt to make sense of it. The interpretation of Spock was partly triggered by a discussion in comments with lindmere and weepingnaiad.
*
Leonard was sitting on the low wall that bordered the edge of the plaza in front of the Daystrom building. He was attempting to read the latest medical research digest while he waited but in fact he was watching the flow of officers going by, looking for a tousled dirty blond head.
Finally Jim came slouching towards him, with little sign of his usual bounce. “Bad news?” he asked.
Jim shrugged resignedly as he sat down next to Leonard. “Not terrible, same as before, except now I’m under Captain One. It’ll take months for the Enterprise to be fit for purpose. At least I’m not going back to the Academy.”
“They wouldn’t do that,” said Leonard, nudging Jim with his shoulder. “You did good, kid, and going up with One won’t be bad. She’s got decades of experience.”
“I know,” said Jim with a sigh, “it could’ve been much worse. But still....” His voice trailed off. “I guess Spock’s still with Abbott. I hate seeing my crew split up like this.”
“I wouldn’t bet on Spock and Abbott,” said Leonard, his voice abruptly hard with dislike. “I think Spock may have a surprise coming his way.”
Jim turned to him with a puzzled frown. “What’s up with you? I thought you were okay with Spock these days. You seemed happy enough after he got Khan back alive.”
“Yeah, well, I know stuff now I didn’t know then,” muttered Leonard.
“Stuff? Like what?” demanded Jim.
“I can’t say, he needs to be officially informed first,” said Leonard.
Jim’s protest was interrupted by Spock walking up to them. “Captain, Doctor.”
“Spock, you’re still with Abbott right?” said Jim.
“Apparently I am not. He has been assigned another first officer. I have been told to await further orders. I assumed I was being reassigned to serve with you.”
“I wouldn’t count your chickens on that one,” said Leonard.
“As I am sure you are aware, Doctor, I do not have chickens,” replied Spock, in that snippy tone of voice that told Leonard Spock knew exactly what the metaphor meant but was being willfully obtuse.
“And you won’t have any at this rate, because what you’ve apparently got in spades is attitude,” replied Leonard nastily.
“Dammit, Bones, what crawled up your ass and died?” protested Jim.
As he spoke Spock’s padd pinged. Spock pulled it out and tapped open a message, reading rapidly, and looking increasingly concerned as he did so. “I have been ordered to appear in front of a disciplinary tribunal. I do not understand. There is no logic to this.”
“It’s perfectly fucking logical. Actions have consequences. What a surprise!” snapped Leonard.
“Doctor McCoy, what would you know about this?” replied Spock with deliberate condescension.
“Guys, come on--” started Jim, but Leonard wasn’t interested in listening.
“What I know is that I lodged the complaint that triggered the tribunal,” replied Leonard.
Jim and Spock both stared at him. “Bones, what the fuck? What are you on about?” demanded Jim.
“An explanation would be appreciated,” said Spock icily.
Leonard was up on his feet now, nose to nose with Spock. “You mind-melded with Captain Pike while he was dying.”
“Bones, don’t be ridiculous. Spock was trying to help, weren’t you, Spock? Trying to give him a bit of comfort.”
“Oh yeah, because comfort is so much Spock’s speciality,” snapped Leonard. “Jim, Federation law specifically forbids Vulcans from mind-melding with non-telepathic sentient beings without informed verbal consent. To do otherwise is mental assault. And saying he meant well is not a defense. Anyway, I’m not at all fucking convinced he meant well.”
“Doctor McCoy, your insinuations are not--”
“Shut up, Spock. Jim told me how that last meeting you had with Pike went down. Your charming display of, what did you say? Multiple forms of attitude. And it was pretty damn obvious that while Pike was prepared to fight for Jim, he didn’t want you on the Enterprise. Why would you think he’d even want comfort from you?”
“Doctor McCoy, he was dying, I came to his aid, I have nothing to be ashamed of and did it in a spirit of compassion. I am Vulcan, I cannot lie and this tribunal will recognize that fact,” said Spock loftily.
“There you go, Bones, it’s a storm in a teacup and pretty damned disloyal of you to turn Spock in. You know Spock tells the truth.” Jim glanced over at Spock with a wry smile. “Way too much truth sometimes.”
“Oh yeah, Vulcans can’t lie, that’s such a great line to use on humans. We’ve no way to fight back on that one, which is why the tribunal is not just human.” Leonard turned from Jim to Spock. “You realise there’ll be Vulcans on the panel?”
“Vulcans?” Spock suddenly sounded a lot less sure of himself.
“Oh yeah. Humans may not like being mentally violated by Vulcans but Vulcans really despise one of their own who breaks that law. Fortunately, you won’t need to tell them you meant well. They’ll mind-meld with you, they’ll get to see what you meant, and see what Pike made of it.”
“But that’s not a problem, right Spock?” said Jim. “Like you said, you’re not lying.”
“Telling the truth is not the same as telling the whole truth,” retorted Leonard. “I bet you dimes to dollars he’s leaving out half a sector of detail.”
Spock stood in awkward silence, his hands now clasped tightly behind his back, his face a rigid blank mask.
“Spock?” asked Jim carefully. “Pike was okay with it, right?”
Spock didn’t reply, staring down at the floor and Jim became visibly more agitated as time crept by. Finally he couldn’t contain himself any longer. He moved right into Spock’s space, his hands balled into tight fists. “What the fucking hell went down between you and Pike?”
“Could we please not discuss this in a public concourse?” said Spock at last.
Jim grabbed him by the upper arm and began to steer him towards a flight of stairs that led off the plaza down to a small garden below it. “Bones, come on, I’m getting to bottom of this. You both owe me some explanations.”
Once they were down in the garden, tucked away in a reasonably private arbor incongruously framed by an abundance of pink roses, Jim turned on Leonard. “First, how do you know about this?”
“Nyota told me,” replied Leonard, “not that she realized it was a violation, she was telling me about it as in ‘isn’t it great that my boyfriend’s more in touch with his feelings now’.”
“So you sold Spock out based on a private conversation with his girlfriend? Fuck you, Bones.”
Leonard turned on him incredulously. “Are you seriously suggesting that assault is okay as long as a friend of yours did it? What about Pike? After all he’d done for you? Just because you or me, or even him--” He gestured dismissively at Spock. “Just because we’re good people most of the time, doesn’t give us a free pass when we fuck up. Didn’t you learn anything from Pike?”
Jim glared at him for a moment and then abruptly turned on Spock. “Why did you do it? And spare me the offering comfort crap. Bones is right, for someone who’s such a stickler for rules, you were rude as hell to him and he didn’t want you on his ship. What were you looking for?”
“Having prepared myself to die in the volcano, having come so close and then suddenly.... not, I needed to understand how it might feel to die,” said Spock carefully.
“In the moment of his passing, you were still making it all about you? Fuck, aren’t you a prize,” said Leonard.
“Shut up, Bones. Spock, you could’ve been chasing down Khan, you could’ve been calling for medical help. And you chose to take a moment to consider the meaning of death?” Jim sounded skeptical. “I’m not convinced. What else did you want?”
There was a long uncomfortable silence before Spock finally answered. “I was aware of the significance of not being posted to the Enterprise, I was fully qualified to be the chief science officer if you were to be first officer. I had not expected to be transferred. I had not intended to offend him at that meeting. I did not understand why he now disliked me. I just... I--” Spock paused again. “I wanted to understand what he thought of me.”
“I can tell you why he damned well despised you,” cut in Leonard. “As a command team, your communication was so bad that you didn’t even talk to each other about that fuck-up of a mission. And that falls your shoulders, Spock. You’re older one, the more experienced one. God help us, the supposedly logical, mature one. You were first officer, you should’ve ensured you and your captain were on the same page - and you fucked up completely. And then gave Pike a face full of attitude when he called you on it.”
“That’s enough, Bones. Spock, what did you find out?” demanded Jim.
“I did feel loneliness and fear within him, I told you the truth, Jim, but it was a truth without substance.”
“What a wonderful euphemism,” muttered Leonard.
Spock regarded him stoically for a moment. “Very well Dr McCoy. It was a lie. The fear and loneliness I felt within him was quite unlike what I feel within myself. He was frightened by dying, but he was proud of his life and his thoughts were of his friends. Mostly he felt he was failing those he was leaving behind. He thought of you, Captain. He was concerned that other officers would be put off by your brashness and would not recognize the brilliance - and the vulnerability - that lay beneath it. He loved you. He believed you could be a great captain, if you could just find a way to constructively focus your talent.”
“Fuck!” Jim covered his face in his hands and then pushed his fingers into his hair. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I hate myself for not trying to save him, haring off to chase Khan instead. I should have... If only...” His voice broke.
Leonard squeezed Jim’s shoulder gently. “He believed in you, kid, never forget that.”
“He thought of you too, doctor,” continued Spock.
“Me? In relation to Jim?”
“Yes, but not exclusively. He was proud of you, Dr McCoy. He believed you were one of the very best of all the recruits he brought into Starfleet. He was proud of the way you rebuilt your career and he was deeply grateful for all you did for him after his incarceration by Nero. He cared a great deal for you.”
“Well, fuck,” muttered Leonard, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“He thought too of Dr Boyce, I had not realized they shared an intimate--”
“That’s enough, Spock,” interrupted Leonard. “His thoughts of other people are not yours to discuss or ours to know. That’s private.”
“I understand that now, Dr McCoy, I regret that I did not do so before.” After a moment of silence, Spock continued stoically. “The truth is that he did not want me in his mind, he tried to push me away. He did not think much of me, but mostly he did not think of me at all. His thoughts were with those he loved.”
“Fuck you, Spock,” spat Jim. “How could you?”
“Captain, I--” Spock stopped abruptly. “I have no excuse.”
“Spock,” said Leonard, his voice now thoughtful rather than angry, “you said your fear and loneliness were not like his. What are yours like?”
Spock drew up himself up and turned to Leonard, his voice snippy once more. “Doctor McCoy, I do not have to answer to--”
“If you ever want to serve on a ship with me again, you will answer the questions my CMO is asking you, Mr Spock. Do you understand?” said Jim with grim authority.
Spock deflated, with shoulders hunched and eyes downcast. “I understand, Captain.” He looked uneasily across at Leonard. “I found from Admiral Pike that fear and loneliness do not automatically come inextricably intertwined with self-hatred. I had not known that.”
“But--” started Jim. Leonard waved him into silence.
“What do you think that self-hatred is about?” asked Leonard.
“I am aware that a common outcome of surviving catastrophic events is survivors’ guilt. Why should I be here and healthy when so very many far better than I died on Vulcan?”
“You get support from Nyota, though, don’t you?” asked Jim.
“I do, and I am grateful for that. But even that brings obligations of its own that I often fail to meet, as you saw on the shuttle, Captain.”
“I’m sure that’s all very true, but it’s also a damn convenient place to park all the blame, don’t you think?” challenged Leonard. “No one’s gonna disagree that a Vulcan survivor is probably a traumatized fuck-up. But Spock, this attitude shit in the face of authority, you had that going before Vulcan went down, didn’t you?”
“Jeez, Bones, give the guy a break, after all he’s--”
“That’s the dammed trouble, Jim. Every time someone gives the poor Vulcan survivor who watched his mom die in front of his eyes a break, Spock gets to avoid the real issue. And Spock, I bet you know what I’m talking about, if you’re honest with yourself. Think about the Kobayashi Maru tribunal.”
Jim and Leonard waited while Spock stared down at the grass, hands clenched achingly tight behind his back. “I do know what you mean, Doctor,” he admitted at last. “But I don’t know why it happens, I.. My control... I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” replied Leonard. “D’you want to hear what I think is going on?”
Spock looked at him skeptically. Leonard huffed out an aggrieved sigh. “I do have a doctorate in psychology, Spock. Try trusting me for once.”
“Very well, Doctor. Please proceed.”
“You get a fistful of snippy attitude when your own guilt runs up against authority. Something happens that leaves you ashamed. With the Kobayashi Maru a mere human cadet hacked your code. After Nibiru, your report got your captain into serious trouble. You’re up in front of authority having to explain yourself and you’re feeling defensive and humiliated. Admiral Barnett with the Kobayashi Maru, Admiral Pike this time. And you take offense as the best defense with a flood of fancy worded aggression, waving around logic like a weapon when it’s all just about your humiliated emotions.
“I don’t know why you’re like that, whether it’s just an unfortunate mix of Vulcan and human characteristics. Or it’s got something to do with you turning down the Vulcan Science Academy to come to Starfleet instead. I’m sure your childhood wasn’t a picnic either. Whatever, you’re an adult now, it’s a problem and that problem is yours to deal with. But you’ve gotta stop hiding behind logic and superiority and imploded planet trauma.”
Spock stared down at the grass for several minutes before finally replying. “You are right, Doctor, in every regard. I do not have the empathy to be human, or the control to be Vulcan. I apologize, Captain, for everything. I have nothing to offer you,” said Spock stiffly. “I will resign my Starfleet commission.”
He turned neatly on his heel and began to walk away from them.
“Spock, wait--” started Jim.
“Coward!” yelled Leonard.
Spock spun round. “What did you call me?”
“Coward. Fucking drama queen. It’s all about you, even when it comes to falling on your sword.” Leonard stalked over to where Spock stood.
“See him?” Leonard gestured back towards Jim. “He’s been busted back down to first officer, he’s serving on the USS Kenyatta under Captain One while the Enterprise is repaired. But ten years from now? He’ll be Captain Kirk, no one doubts that. It may take him two years to get there, it may take three, but by then this’ll all be old history. An amusing tale to tell at the bar, an encouraging story for young officers trying to work their way up. And you?”
Leonard stabbed his finger in Spock’s chest. “Where’ll you be in ten years time if you do this? You’ll be a fucking footnote in Starfleet history, long forgotten. Suck it up, the way Jim’s doing, the way I am, try actually admitting to your mistakes for once and learning something, and then move on!”
“You have not made egregious errors, Dr McCoy,” replied Spock in a tight, tense voice.
“Not on your scale, no, but I haven’t exactly covered myself in glory either. I got my ass handed to me by Dr Boyce over Jim’s demotion.”
“You did? Why the hell?” demanded Jim. “None of it was your fault.”
“Well, that’s not quite true,” replied Leonard. “Boyce was Pike’s CMO for years, and he made it crystal clear to me that a CMO doesn’t just fix broken bones and wipe runny noses. The CMO’s supposed to keep the captain on the straight and narrow and I did a pretty poor job there. And honestly Spock, I recognized that my first officer had problems, but did nothing about it? That doesn’t reflect well on me, no matter how damned difficult you are to deal with. I’m on an accelerated rotation through the med-bays of a couple of other ships before I get back on the Enterprise. The truth is none of us did all that well, we were too busy playing space-cowboys to really get the importance of our jobs.”
“It is not possible to recover from such a significant mistake,” said Spock stubbornly.
“Oh, get over yourself. Both of you, you’re so fucking young. You still think a successful career is a one-way ride up into the sky. Let an old man tell you something--”
“You’re not old, Bones, come off it.”
“It’s the mileage that counts, kid. While you two were still being fucking annoying teenagers - don’t give me the evil eye, Spock, I bet you were a specialist at the epic sulk. Anyway, as I was saying, I was busy going down in flames with my first go-round at a professional career. What with my divorce and some messy stuff with my dad dying, I let my work go into a tail-spin. I only wasn’t fired because they strongly suggested I resign. Do y’all think it was fun for me to be back in a dorm in my thirties, with class-mates with pimples, whose voices had hardly broken? I’d been an attending cardiothoracic surgeon at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the US. I was humiliated to be a cadet, but I sucked it up, got back in the game, and when Jim’s finally a captain for more than five minutes at a time, I’ll be there as his CMO. Where are you gonna be, Spock?”
“What do you suggest I do?” said Spock eventually.
“Face the tribunal. Admit you were wrong and take whatever they dish out. And for the love of God, try to understand why you got it wrong. Get yourself some therapy. Even if some of the higher-ups are moribund, and a few like Marcus are just plain evil, doesn’t mean there ain’t knowledge to be learned from them. We don’t need to be perfect, Spock, but we damned well shouldn’t think we’ve nothing to learn. We just need to keep on trucking, trying to do better next time. Two years, Spock, and we can all be back on the Enterprise, but not if you resign.”
“One year!” interrupted Jim. “I’m gonna get her back in one, and I’m gonna get us a deep space mission.”
“Dammit, Jim--”
“One year, Bones,” said Jim, now deadly serious. “You’re right and Pike was right, we can be better than this. In memory of Captain Pike and everything I’ll never be able to learn from him, I’m gonna get this right and I’m gonna get her back. Are you in?” Jim extended his arm, hand balled into a fist.
Leonard closed his hand over Jim’s. “I’m in. In memory of the best captain we’ll never serve under.” He looked over to Spock. “Well? Are you in or ain’t you?”
After a moment of hesitation, Spock put his hand over Leonard’s. “I will do all I can to convince Starfleet to let me continue to serve. And I will work to earn back your trust, Dr McCoy, and yours, Captain.”
Jim put his other hand on Spock’s. “It’s commander, Spock, again.”
Leonard put his hand over Jim’s. “Yeah, yeah, what he’s trying to say in his constipated Vulcan way is that you’re our captain, whatever the brass call you.”
Spock complete their pile with his other hand. “Dr McCoy is correct, about this and other things. We do this together, in memory of Captain Pike.”
- THE END -