a little late night love life whining
so jaimie and i are officially over. good.
I can't help but be really aware that he's living in my house, hanging out with my housemates, my friends, using my stuff, going places i showed him, using local tricks and insights i figured out... I can't 'own' all of this of course, but it's really frustrating, he's living in my life, which i fought really hard to create, then selflessly 'lent' him, then when i email and ask if he could please please please find a couple of sketchbooks of mine and give them to a housemate to photograph so i can include them in my MA application, he can't really be bothered sorting it out, housemate might not be around, too hard, don't have own camera, couldn't possibly employ a little initiative and borrow one, even emailing back is a bit much really...
FUCK !
I gave him a fuking cushy intro to london, he wouldn't have got his shit together to leave NZ any time soon, if ever, if it wasn't for me, little details like, he never bothered to introduce me to his housemates in NZ, never wanted to go out together in NZ, didn't introduce me to any of his friends, didn't realize all this was making me very unhappy!, are really bothering me right now.
So I guess this is more to do with frustration with myself. How did I not notice he's dependent, insecure, antisocial, untrustworthy, close-minded, and not interested in knowing me on any substantial level?! These are things that are the exact opposite of what I know I need in a romantic relationship, someone else could work with that but not me. I know that. I knew it then, but I just went for it anyway. wtf?!!?!?
I feel like I do this again and again; 'date down', people who're not right for me and I know it, people who're leeching off me at some level, not dating down as in they're lesser than me (see I'm trying to be nice here...), just down as in they're inappropriate as a partner for me, and I know it... Down as in, they're less educated, less social, less adventurous, less interesting, less driven, kinda going nowhere, kinda the opposite of who I am/am trying to be..,
I'm still seeing this basil guy, he's amazing, definitely not dating down there. So, I feel inadequate. I'm not used to being the less accomplished one. (considering i've tangibly accomplished fuck all, this says a lot...) it's bringing out this weak, lame side of me who is kinda insecure, in awe, feeling a bit useless... there are certain areas of life I'm more fluent in than he is, but The Lameness has got me to kind of squish these down so we don't notice and it can continue to feel unbalanced. ARHH!! This is also a pattern I recognize; whenever I've been with someone I actually do respect and admire, I become weak and useless. There's this shift in energy, always, every time, either I'm on top and I see them as lame or I'm under and I squish myself down further. Those partners inevitably leave me...
I would love for basil and I to have some kind of future which involves each other. But I'm going back to London, so it's probably not possible. Either way I really wish and hope it can remain this beautiful, magical connection, and not get fukt up by My Issues.
Speaking of London. what the hell am I doing. Where do I belong?! I'm applying for an MA in Digital Fashion. In London. Starts September, goes for 15 months. It sounds so amazing, every time I read about it it gets better sounding! It's really open, project can be computer based - 3D animation, digital illustration, or 3D real life projects, which I'm way more into. They teach laser cutting, digital printing, all these new (to me) technologies and machines and then let you loose to develop a project. Right now I'm excited about interactive clothing, stuff as simple as those shoes little kids have with flashy lights in the soles when you walk... lots of exciting stuff going on in the world of glowing clothes as well, as all you burner kids know!!
So anyway. That's an exciting potential thing to happen. With all my work in london and noone cooperative there it's kinda hard to put a portfolio together.... If I don't get in, I don't know if I even want to be in London. It's still calling me. But I don't know why, didn't figure that out yet, maybe I never will and I should just get on with having a life somewhere else... but. It calls strongly to me.
rah!
I can't help but be really aware that he's living in my house, hanging out with my housemates, my friends, using my stuff, going places i showed him, using local tricks and insights i figured out... I can't 'own' all of this of course, but it's really frustrating, he's living in my life, which i fought really hard to create, then selflessly 'lent' him, then when i email and ask if he could please please please find a couple of sketchbooks of mine and give them to a housemate to photograph so i can include them in my MA application, he can't really be bothered sorting it out, housemate might not be around, too hard, don't have own camera, couldn't possibly employ a little initiative and borrow one, even emailing back is a bit much really...
FUCK !
I gave him a fuking cushy intro to london, he wouldn't have got his shit together to leave NZ any time soon, if ever, if it wasn't for me, little details like, he never bothered to introduce me to his housemates in NZ, never wanted to go out together in NZ, didn't introduce me to any of his friends, didn't realize all this was making me very unhappy!, are really bothering me right now.
So I guess this is more to do with frustration with myself. How did I not notice he's dependent, insecure, antisocial, untrustworthy, close-minded, and not interested in knowing me on any substantial level?! These are things that are the exact opposite of what I know I need in a romantic relationship, someone else could work with that but not me. I know that. I knew it then, but I just went for it anyway. wtf?!!?!?
I feel like I do this again and again; 'date down', people who're not right for me and I know it, people who're leeching off me at some level, not dating down as in they're lesser than me (see I'm trying to be nice here...), just down as in they're inappropriate as a partner for me, and I know it... Down as in, they're less educated, less social, less adventurous, less interesting, less driven, kinda going nowhere, kinda the opposite of who I am/am trying to be..,
I'm still seeing this basil guy, he's amazing, definitely not dating down there. So, I feel inadequate. I'm not used to being the less accomplished one. (considering i've tangibly accomplished fuck all, this says a lot...) it's bringing out this weak, lame side of me who is kinda insecure, in awe, feeling a bit useless... there are certain areas of life I'm more fluent in than he is, but The Lameness has got me to kind of squish these down so we don't notice and it can continue to feel unbalanced. ARHH!! This is also a pattern I recognize; whenever I've been with someone I actually do respect and admire, I become weak and useless. There's this shift in energy, always, every time, either I'm on top and I see them as lame or I'm under and I squish myself down further. Those partners inevitably leave me...
I would love for basil and I to have some kind of future which involves each other. But I'm going back to London, so it's probably not possible. Either way I really wish and hope it can remain this beautiful, magical connection, and not get fukt up by My Issues.
Speaking of London. what the hell am I doing. Where do I belong?! I'm applying for an MA in Digital Fashion. In London. Starts September, goes for 15 months. It sounds so amazing, every time I read about it it gets better sounding! It's really open, project can be computer based - 3D animation, digital illustration, or 3D real life projects, which I'm way more into. They teach laser cutting, digital printing, all these new (to me) technologies and machines and then let you loose to develop a project. Right now I'm excited about interactive clothing, stuff as simple as those shoes little kids have with flashy lights in the soles when you walk... lots of exciting stuff going on in the world of glowing clothes as well, as all you burner kids know!!
So anyway. That's an exciting potential thing to happen. With all my work in london and noone cooperative there it's kinda hard to put a portfolio together.... If I don't get in, I don't know if I even want to be in London. It's still calling me. But I don't know why, didn't figure that out yet, maybe I never will and I should just get on with having a life somewhere else... but. It calls strongly to me.
rah!