masculinity is fragile but not nearly as fragile as wokeness
yes, typical masculinity as we've constructed it in our society is fragile in that your Man Card can be taken away at any time
but The Discourse could also declare you Problematic at any given time and the undercurrent of constant fear is pretty much the same in both cases, at least for some of us.
I've seen a couple posts recently that I think *might* have been intended to be reassuring, or at least frank & factual, but that mostly came off as threatening, like: "if you're a privileged person, you will never get it right. you will always be screwing up and there is nothing to do about it but accept the guilt and shame because IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT, PEOPLE. purge yourself of all uncleanliness and beg for forgiveness, and The Discourse may not shun and ostracize you completely."
So, let me try to make some adjustments. "If you're a human being, you will make mistakes, *and that's okay*. Shit's hard and keeps changing. Do your best to be respectful. If someone says you hurt them, listen, apologize as appropriate, and consider what changes you may want to make either for dealing with them specifically, or in general. Strangers and acquaintances will make their own choices about you, and this is ultimately not up to you. Your real friends know that accidents happen and can take your intent into account as well as your impact."
And yes, this does mean that I consider a willingness to assume good faith an essential part of a friendship. Someone who assumes the worst of you isn't being a good friend. Caring about someone means using respectful language, yes, but also being able to say "hey, that really hurt my feelings" or "whoa, that sounded off, is that really what you meant??" and give you a chance to explain yourself.
I realize this is gonna rule out some people. Some folks don't have the energy to deal with anyone who exhibits certain behaviors, intentionally or not. Some folks aren't comfortable with any sort of confrontation or conflict. But for my part, I've realized that (despite years of trying) I cannot be friends with literally everybody, and I can't handle the anxiety involved with trying to say/do/be the correct things without both feedback and grace.
so! I'm happy to be FB-connected with a variety of people at different places in life. Your contributions and different viewpoints are valuable to me. But I'm going to start assuming that if you don't like something I do or say, you'll speak up (in comments, PMs, on the phone, or whatever) and give me a chance to apologize and/or clarify, and if you don't, that's on you and I can't be held responsible for your unspoken expectations.
but The Discourse could also declare you Problematic at any given time and the undercurrent of constant fear is pretty much the same in both cases, at least for some of us.
I've seen a couple posts recently that I think *might* have been intended to be reassuring, or at least frank & factual, but that mostly came off as threatening, like: "if you're a privileged person, you will never get it right. you will always be screwing up and there is nothing to do about it but accept the guilt and shame because IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT, PEOPLE. purge yourself of all uncleanliness and beg for forgiveness, and The Discourse may not shun and ostracize you completely."
So, let me try to make some adjustments. "If you're a human being, you will make mistakes, *and that's okay*. Shit's hard and keeps changing. Do your best to be respectful. If someone says you hurt them, listen, apologize as appropriate, and consider what changes you may want to make either for dealing with them specifically, or in general. Strangers and acquaintances will make their own choices about you, and this is ultimately not up to you. Your real friends know that accidents happen and can take your intent into account as well as your impact."
And yes, this does mean that I consider a willingness to assume good faith an essential part of a friendship. Someone who assumes the worst of you isn't being a good friend. Caring about someone means using respectful language, yes, but also being able to say "hey, that really hurt my feelings" or "whoa, that sounded off, is that really what you meant??" and give you a chance to explain yourself.
I realize this is gonna rule out some people. Some folks don't have the energy to deal with anyone who exhibits certain behaviors, intentionally or not. Some folks aren't comfortable with any sort of confrontation or conflict. But for my part, I've realized that (despite years of trying) I cannot be friends with literally everybody, and I can't handle the anxiety involved with trying to say/do/be the correct things without both feedback and grace.
so! I'm happy to be FB-connected with a variety of people at different places in life. Your contributions and different viewpoints are valuable to me. But I'm going to start assuming that if you don't like something I do or say, you'll speak up (in comments, PMs, on the phone, or whatever) and give me a chance to apologize and/or clarify, and if you don't, that's on you and I can't be held responsible for your unspoken expectations.