on "punching up"
In my experience, there's really no such thing as punching up. Whenever you mock someone from group X for having Y trait, unless you word it *very* carefully, you're saying that anyone who is *either* in group X or has Y trait is bad.
If you make fun of "people of Wal-Mart" for being fat, your fat friends hear you. If you mock them for wearing sweats, your disabled, poor, and chronically ill friends hear you. And if you mock them for going to Wal-Mart, your friends who don't have the resources to go anywhere else hear you.
Somewhat more controversially: if you mock Christians for believing in an "imaginary friend in the sky", your friends who are Muslim, Jewish, or followers of other spiritual traditions hear you. If you attempt to counter fatphobia by mocking "skinny bitches", your friends with eating disorders hear you.
Even more controversially: if you say "men are trash. seriously, they're just disgusting," your trans friends hear you (whether they're AMAB and dysphoric, or NB/masc and feeling particularly attacked for having intentionally chosen certain masculine traits.) If you say "Blue states contribute more to the federal budget, so we should just give up and kick out all these red states and keep our money, and let them see how they do without our help," your friends who happen to live in "red" states but have been fighting tirelessly for their rights and going online to get support hear you. And so do your friends who live in red states and are just trying to survive and count on federal programs. If you say "You SHOULD have anxiety about approaching women," your friends with capital-A Anxiety that they're trying to get treatment for hear you.
In general, any time you make a disparaging comment about group X, it's going to land hardest on the members of that group who are the most vulnerable and marginalized in other ways, and they'll be genuinely hurt and wonder what you must think about them. The people you're probably picturing when you say it, who really are on top and are arrogant about it, probably won't even see your comment (because they're not friends with you) and if they do, they'll probably immediately shrug it off, because they're on top and arrogant about it.
Most controversially of all, in my experience: if you insult *anyone* for their appearance, your friends who happen to be thin, or curvy, or flat, or pale, or tan, or who appreciate the aesthetics of a Trilby, or can't afford certain clothes, or like makeup, or don't like makeup, or like showing a lot of skin, or *don't* like showing a lot of skin, or otherwise have visual traits that they either can't do anything about, or chose deliberately, hear you.
If you mock the ignorant, your friends who couldn't afford college, or have limited Internet access, or don't have time to read about the plight of the working class because they're too busy working, or are just generally new to something because we're not born knowing stuff and everyone has to be new sometime, hear you. If you mock rednecks and hicks, your friends from the South (or rural communities in the North) who might have deep affection for their communities, or feel connected to their roots, even as they acknowledge the problems, hear you.
And if you mock men, or Christians, or heterosexuals, or white people, your friends who are in those categories hear you, too, and what they most likely hear, in aggregate, is "you are unwelcome. you are unwanted." And while it's important to have designated spaces for members of marginalized groups to vent freely, without particularly thinking about their language; and to have designated spaces for members of privileged groups to work out their own shit; it's *also* important to have integrated spaces for discussion, and if you say e.g. "people of all genders are welcome as long as they behave," it's important to mean it.
So I know that my position deviates from The Discourse, and is certainly influenced by my experiences and my own position in society. But nonetheless, I stand by it: just don't hurt people if you can avoid it. Hurting privileged people is still hurting, not helping. Before you say something, ask yourself: would I be comfortable saying this to someone I liked?
None of that is to excuse problematic behavior, for the record. If I'm doing something sexist or racist, by all means call me on it. Racists should be embarrassed to be racist. Nazis *should* feel bad... *about being nazis*. And we should make fun of them for being Nazis, partly because it's been shown that it matters, e.g. people will straight-up stop holding white supremacist rallies over time if you use sufficient amounts of glitter to make them feel silly doing it. But we shouldn't make fun of them for being short, or fat, or single, partly on general principle and partly because that's how you get Nazis - people often just keep looking until they find a group that accepts them.
If you make fun of "people of Wal-Mart" for being fat, your fat friends hear you. If you mock them for wearing sweats, your disabled, poor, and chronically ill friends hear you. And if you mock them for going to Wal-Mart, your friends who don't have the resources to go anywhere else hear you.
Somewhat more controversially: if you mock Christians for believing in an "imaginary friend in the sky", your friends who are Muslim, Jewish, or followers of other spiritual traditions hear you. If you attempt to counter fatphobia by mocking "skinny bitches", your friends with eating disorders hear you.
Even more controversially: if you say "men are trash. seriously, they're just disgusting," your trans friends hear you (whether they're AMAB and dysphoric, or NB/masc and feeling particularly attacked for having intentionally chosen certain masculine traits.) If you say "Blue states contribute more to the federal budget, so we should just give up and kick out all these red states and keep our money, and let them see how they do without our help," your friends who happen to live in "red" states but have been fighting tirelessly for their rights and going online to get support hear you. And so do your friends who live in red states and are just trying to survive and count on federal programs. If you say "You SHOULD have anxiety about approaching women," your friends with capital-A Anxiety that they're trying to get treatment for hear you.
In general, any time you make a disparaging comment about group X, it's going to land hardest on the members of that group who are the most vulnerable and marginalized in other ways, and they'll be genuinely hurt and wonder what you must think about them. The people you're probably picturing when you say it, who really are on top and are arrogant about it, probably won't even see your comment (because they're not friends with you) and if they do, they'll probably immediately shrug it off, because they're on top and arrogant about it.
Most controversially of all, in my experience: if you insult *anyone* for their appearance, your friends who happen to be thin, or curvy, or flat, or pale, or tan, or who appreciate the aesthetics of a Trilby, or can't afford certain clothes, or like makeup, or don't like makeup, or like showing a lot of skin, or *don't* like showing a lot of skin, or otherwise have visual traits that they either can't do anything about, or chose deliberately, hear you.
If you mock the ignorant, your friends who couldn't afford college, or have limited Internet access, or don't have time to read about the plight of the working class because they're too busy working, or are just generally new to something because we're not born knowing stuff and everyone has to be new sometime, hear you. If you mock rednecks and hicks, your friends from the South (or rural communities in the North) who might have deep affection for their communities, or feel connected to their roots, even as they acknowledge the problems, hear you.
And if you mock men, or Christians, or heterosexuals, or white people, your friends who are in those categories hear you, too, and what they most likely hear, in aggregate, is "you are unwelcome. you are unwanted." And while it's important to have designated spaces for members of marginalized groups to vent freely, without particularly thinking about their language; and to have designated spaces for members of privileged groups to work out their own shit; it's *also* important to have integrated spaces for discussion, and if you say e.g. "people of all genders are welcome as long as they behave," it's important to mean it.
So I know that my position deviates from The Discourse, and is certainly influenced by my experiences and my own position in society. But nonetheless, I stand by it: just don't hurt people if you can avoid it. Hurting privileged people is still hurting, not helping. Before you say something, ask yourself: would I be comfortable saying this to someone I liked?
None of that is to excuse problematic behavior, for the record. If I'm doing something sexist or racist, by all means call me on it. Racists should be embarrassed to be racist. Nazis *should* feel bad... *about being nazis*. And we should make fun of them for being Nazis, partly because it's been shown that it matters, e.g. people will straight-up stop holding white supremacist rallies over time if you use sufficient amounts of glitter to make them feel silly doing it. But we shouldn't make fun of them for being short, or fat, or single, partly on general principle and partly because that's how you get Nazis - people often just keep looking until they find a group that accepts them.