Feeling Feelings
It's taking the breath out of me to rewire these songs that I listened to on repeat those nights when the only cure to the loud voices were the louder music. As lovely as the rhythms, the words and their intentions were they coupled with my internal turmoil, the self inflicted suffering and my preference for destruction. Now, the rotten past that this beautiful melody revives can no longer relate to my Today. So, I'm playing through my favorite hits engraving them with these new moments, these new experiences and memories that I am making for myself.
I have found something that helps me continue working towards a better me and that is gratitude. I remember how hollow I felt with all these "what could be but never were" things that I had going for me simply because I had no idea how to practice appreciation. It saddens me sometimes remembering those moments I lost because I didn't know their value. I wish I had the ability to look at them then the way I look at them Today. It wasn't so and that's okay. I replay the images and the sounds in my head adding what I would have felt if I knew how to feel. The best thing is knowing that I am creating new memories and experiencing the feelings. As much as I begged, pleaded and worked to numb my being I realize that there is nothing more rewarding than being... than being alive and living humanly.
There's more to Life than I ever understood and that I will ever understand. I didn't choose to exist, I despised that I had to sometimes, but Today what I do choose is to live. Mere existance was dull and the journey I am walking through now a days is much more exciting.
I have found something that helps me continue working towards a better me and that is gratitude. I remember how hollow I felt with all these "what could be but never were" things that I had going for me simply because I had no idea how to practice appreciation. It saddens me sometimes remembering those moments I lost because I didn't know their value. I wish I had the ability to look at them then the way I look at them Today. It wasn't so and that's okay. I replay the images and the sounds in my head adding what I would have felt if I knew how to feel. The best thing is knowing that I am creating new memories and experiencing the feelings. As much as I begged, pleaded and worked to numb my being I realize that there is nothing more rewarding than being... than being alive and living humanly.
There's more to Life than I ever understood and that I will ever understand. I didn't choose to exist, I despised that I had to sometimes, but Today what I do choose is to live. Mere existance was dull and the journey I am walking through now a days is much more exciting.