Out with the old, in with the new
Everything feels like a new beginning. I'm not even sure where to start. My life has changed a lot over the last few weeks and I think I'm still reeling with the force of it. So yeah, I've been out of touch, and yeah, I haven't really been around, and yeah, even when I have been, I may not be the most attentive person. I've been having that sort of month.
Get the personal out of the way: Arthur and I broke up last night officially, rather than over a teary-rage-induced text message, which I would have expected from either side really. The reasons were many, but all boiled down to the fact that neither of us felt like we were equipped to handle one another's shortcomings as a partner. There was only so much "working it out" we could do before we were both tired, and with the both of us still unsure of where we stand in our own lives, we take up far too much of each other's energy. I'm not sure how everything will work out since we're still very much in love with each other. (I'm not so good at conveying that, which was part of the problem, and maybe he still has doubts about it, but it's true.) I'm a little relieved, a little sad, and a little hopeful.
My bird died, which might seem like an odd thing for me to post about, but I think anybody who's owned a pet would understand. I've had her for fifteen years, so it was pretty much getting to the point where I couldn't remember ever NOT owning a bird. She was an extremely intelligent, albeit ill-tempered little brat. She got away with it by being a fluffy little green parrot rather than a person. She started pooping blood mid-August and went through a series of ups and downs before she finally went on Labour Day. As to what actually went wrong with her, the vets couldn't say. Her tests results were clean and even a post-mortem didn't reveal anything. I'm waiting on results from the veterinary clinic now. As for Pinch herself, she's now buried in the backyard underneath a plot of black-eyed Susans. We're holding a ceremonial funeral for her (since we had to bury her right away... there's no embalming for a pet) the date is yet to be set. Since she was such a feisty one, it's going to be a Viking funeral with a paper mache boat and offerings. It's a little light-hearted, but a bit work intensive. She's worth it, though. In a weird way, she was one of my best friends in the entire world: never demanding (at least, in comparison to humans, she was never demanding), she never stayed mad at me for long, and she was always fun to be around.
Most of you will know that I started a new degree. I started out in the arts thinking that I could make a difference, only to be disappointed with the environment, the people, everything. Re-prioritizing, I now know that whatever I had to say, or whatever I'd make an impact on was ultimately frivolous. We're only given one lifetime, and I'm going to make whatever small amount of time allotted to me worth it. Money is temporal, glory is fleeting, fame is shallow. I want to be a part of something larger. I want to chase knowledge. I want to die knowing that I have had a part in building the world of tomorrow. No matter how small, I want to know that I've done SOMETHING. However, I'm still lacking confidence. Still unsure of my capabilities. I'm not stupid, but am I taking on too much?
Ansai and I are taking up a new project. I don't want to say too much about it when we don't have anything that concrete yet. But it's a creative one that we're working on together, very labour-intensive, but hopefully rewarding.
Tell me I'm crazy.
Get the personal out of the way: Arthur and I broke up last night officially, rather than over a teary-rage-induced text message, which I would have expected from either side really. The reasons were many, but all boiled down to the fact that neither of us felt like we were equipped to handle one another's shortcomings as a partner. There was only so much "working it out" we could do before we were both tired, and with the both of us still unsure of where we stand in our own lives, we take up far too much of each other's energy. I'm not sure how everything will work out since we're still very much in love with each other. (I'm not so good at conveying that, which was part of the problem, and maybe he still has doubts about it, but it's true.) I'm a little relieved, a little sad, and a little hopeful.
My bird died, which might seem like an odd thing for me to post about, but I think anybody who's owned a pet would understand. I've had her for fifteen years, so it was pretty much getting to the point where I couldn't remember ever NOT owning a bird. She was an extremely intelligent, albeit ill-tempered little brat. She got away with it by being a fluffy little green parrot rather than a person. She started pooping blood mid-August and went through a series of ups and downs before she finally went on Labour Day. As to what actually went wrong with her, the vets couldn't say. Her tests results were clean and even a post-mortem didn't reveal anything. I'm waiting on results from the veterinary clinic now. As for Pinch herself, she's now buried in the backyard underneath a plot of black-eyed Susans. We're holding a ceremonial funeral for her (since we had to bury her right away... there's no embalming for a pet) the date is yet to be set. Since she was such a feisty one, it's going to be a Viking funeral with a paper mache boat and offerings. It's a little light-hearted, but a bit work intensive. She's worth it, though. In a weird way, she was one of my best friends in the entire world: never demanding (at least, in comparison to humans, she was never demanding), she never stayed mad at me for long, and she was always fun to be around.
Most of you will know that I started a new degree. I started out in the arts thinking that I could make a difference, only to be disappointed with the environment, the people, everything. Re-prioritizing, I now know that whatever I had to say, or whatever I'd make an impact on was ultimately frivolous. We're only given one lifetime, and I'm going to make whatever small amount of time allotted to me worth it. Money is temporal, glory is fleeting, fame is shallow. I want to be a part of something larger. I want to chase knowledge. I want to die knowing that I have had a part in building the world of tomorrow. No matter how small, I want to know that I've done SOMETHING. However, I'm still lacking confidence. Still unsure of my capabilities. I'm not stupid, but am I taking on too much?
Ansai and I are taking up a new project. I don't want to say too much about it when we don't have anything that concrete yet. But it's a creative one that we're working on together, very labour-intensive, but hopefully rewarding.
Tell me I'm crazy.