Fic: Crossing Borders (12/?)
Title: Crossing Borders (12/?)
Author: zarrati
Rating: R for Language, violent/traumatic themes, and sexual content
Fandom: Parks and Recreation-Leslie/Ben
Summary: Leslie does her best to deal with Ben and the aftermath of Chris’ phone call, and both have a hard time with work/life balance. Cameo by Li’L Sebastian.
Author’s note: It’s finally here!! I did my best to try and balance the angst and drama of the story with some more tender/fluffy Ben/Leslie moments. Enjoy!
When she was eight years old, Leslie awoke from one of the worst nightmares she ever had. She honestly didn’t even remember what it was about. All she knew is that she woke up screaming, crying out so loudly that within minutes, her father was in her room gathering her into his arms. As she sobbed into his chest, she could feel the kisses he peppered into her hair, hear the soft, soothing whispers meant to calm her racing heart.
She felt loved. She felt protected. She felt that as long as her father was there, no monster from her nightmares could ever touch her.
Now, as she held a sobbing Ben to her own chest, she wanted nothing more than impart that same feeling to him. She was going to protect him, even if it was from the things that only existed in his dreams.
Leslie did her best to quell her own fear, tried to steady the shaking hand that ran through Ben’s hair. He didn’t need the added guilt of knowing how much this ordeal had affected her too.
From her bed, she had heard the phone clatter on the ground followed by the loud thump as Ben’s knees hit the wood floor. She called out to him and frantically put her shirt back on when he didn’t respond.
She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but running out and seeing an almost catatonic Ben was nowhere on her list. She yelled his name, ran her hands over his face and chest, but he stared past her like she didn’t exist.
She picked up the abandoned phone and prayed that Chris was still on the line. She demanded answers, frantic as she tried to understand what was happening. The weight on her chest became even heavier as Chris told her about the explosion--about the one person that connected it to Ben.
Just hearing the name made her tremble, and the fact that he might somehow be involved in the plot against her made her sick to her stomach. She hung up the phone and shifted her attentions back to Ben.
He hadn’t moved the entire time she had talked with Chris. His eyes were still vacant and his ears unhearing. She somehow managed to get him up and walking towards the bed, into which he promptly collapsed.
She grabbed every blanket she could find and piled them on top of his quaking body before crawling in next to him. His skin felt flushed and clammy despite the shivers, but she only held him tighter.
She wasn’t sure exactly when he had fallen asleep, but his tense body managed to relax if only for a few moments. Her own body longed to join him in rest, but her mind wouldn’t allow it, not after what just happened.
Barely a half hour had passed before she felt him stirring again, a telltale sign that a nightmare was coming on. Normally when this happens, she can coax him out of it with a small shake or call of his name.
But tonight it didn’t work. His subconscious kept a tight grip on him, and he soon began thrashing about on the bed. His whimpers soon turned to screams, and Leslie quickly moved away from him. She continued to call out his name and shake him, but that only made his screams louder.
When those tortured screams took on the form of her name, she lost it. Deep down, a part of her was afraid that he’d lash out or hurt himself in his sleep, so she did the only thing her terrified brain could think of and slapped him across the cheek.
Looking down on him now, she noticed that his tears had stopped, and he was once again lulled to sleep. She gently ran her thumb over where she had hit him, a small bruise already starting to show. She leaned down to kiss it, careful not to jostle Ben from his rest.
Now that he was finally at peace, she allowed her own emotions to come bubbling to the surface. The fear she felt when she found Ben on the ground, the crushing guilt that his nightmares now revolved around her, it all overwhelmed her.
She eventually closed her eyes and dreamed. She dreamed of a different life, a simpler life where the fate of a country didn’t rest on her shoulders, where she didn’t walk around feeling like she had a target painted onto her back. She dreamed that there was no ICE Town, that Ben was not bound by a traumatic past and could embrace all that life had to offer. In that dream world, all they needed was each other, and they embraced it without reservation.
She dreamed of a life that could never be.
~~~~~
Leslie awoke to the feeling of being watched, a feeling she had become accustomed to over the course of her life. She opened her eyes and found Ben’s looking back at her, finally their usual warm brown as opposed to nearly black and vacant.
He was slowly running his hands through her hair, pushing away the errant strands that always fell in front of her face. It almost felt like any other morning, and for the briefest of moments, she had forgotten about the chaos that was the night before. But when she saw the growing bruise on his cheek, it all came rushing back.
With the back of her hand, she gently brushed his face and grimaced at his wince.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
He brought his hand up to cover hers on his cheek. “Don’t apologize. I’d rather this than wake up and find out that I’ve hurt you.”
“I told you that you didn’t-” she tried to argue, but he interrupted her.
“No, but I could have. If you hadn’t woken me up, I could have done this to you, or worse. If that happened-” He pressed his forehead to hers and released a deep breath. “I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you.”
“You’d never hurt me on purpose.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he shook his head. He pulled away slightly and cupped her face so she looked him straight in the eye. “Listen to me. If that ever happens again and you can’t get me out of it, leave the bed. Please, I’d rather suffer through a nightmare than do anything that could hurt you.”
No, this wasn’t right. He needed her, needed her to free him from the confines of his mind. Today had been a fluke, a trauma brought on by something neither one of them could have prepared for.
“Ben, I-”
“Promise me.”
His voice was still raspy and weak, but there was a power behind it. It was forceful yet pleading, and she had no choice but to agree.
“I promise.”
She could almost see the weight being lifted off of his shoulders, and it broke her heart. After everything that he had gone through in the last few hours, he was still concerned about her above everything else.
“What about you?” she asked. “How are you holding up?”
She honestly had no idea how to broach the subject other than be direct. How else does one ask about your boyfriend’s mental state after going into shock when he heard about the death of the man who was his best friend but tried to kill him? The death of the man who succeeded in killing almost everyone he cared about. The man who turned Ben’s life upside down, leaving him permanently scarred both physically and mentally. The man who died from a bomb that was most likely going to be used in a plot to kill you.
She had no precedent for this, no ‘training’ she had undergone. She was going on pure instinct, her instinct to care for the man that she loved.
He didn’t answer her immediately, something that didn’t shock her. She barely knew how she was feeling. She didn’t expect Ben to be able to fully verbalize everything that was running through his mind.
“It’s weird,” he finally said. “I expected to feel something a lot different if this day ever came. I honestly never thought I’d hear about him again, but I always thought that if he died, I’d have a sense of closure. I’d feel angry or sad or happy that he got what he deserved. I’d feel like justice was finally served, you know? But when Chris told me what happened, I didn’t feel any of that. I was just...numb. I can’t explain it either. I don’t know why I reacted that way. It just brought everything back to the forefront of my mind, and I couldn’t deal with it.”
He ran a finger down her neck. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I just couldn’t help or control myself. I could see you.” His finger moved to trace the path of dried tears. “I saw you crying, saw that you were pleading with me to get up, but I couldn’t. I wanted to more than anything, but I didn’t even feel like I was in control of my own body. And knowing that he might have been involved it what’s happening to you, it just sent me over the edge.”
“And your dream? You were screaming my name.”
But he wasn’t ready to answer that. He closed his eyes and shook his head, as if the mere memory of it was too painful. He burrowed his face into the side of Leslie’s neck, and his breath tickled the sensitive skin there.
She just continued to play with the hairs at his nape. She wasn’t going to push him--no matter how much she wanted to. She needed to know what he dreamed of her, what would cause him to scream her name in a way she never wanted to hear from anyone again.
But she had to wait.
Leslie pressed a kiss to his forehead. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me now.”
He nodded slowly and released a sigh.
“You think you’re up for getting out of bed?” she asked. “Maybe have some breakfast?”
He shook his head and pulled her closer. “Not yet. Can we lay here for a little while longer. I just...I need to hold you right now.”
“Of course. We can stay here as long as you want.”
“Don’t say that,” he laughed softly. “If it was up to me, I’d stay here with you forever.”
Right now, that didn’t sound so bad.
~~~~~
Eventually, hunger and thirst drove them from the bed. Leslie was able to convince Ben to take a nice, hot shower while she made them breakfast, sorely tempted to take him up on the offer to join him.
Leslie stared at the eggs and sausage as they cooked on the stove while she tried to think about what was going to happen moving forward. Up until that point, she had purposely not thought about anything other than what was happening at that moment. She kept her focus on Ben and couldn’t afford to think about anything else.
But the harsh reality was that they did need to have some sort of plan. This whole ordeal might have thrown a new wrench into their investigation, more and more pieces being thrown into a puzzle that was already so complex to begin with.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Ben come up behind her, and she jumped slightly as he wrapped his arms around her.
“It’s okay, it’s just me,” he said as he rested his chin on her shoulder.
She leaned into his embrace, tiny water droplets from his damp hair splashing against her skin. He had put on a soft, cotton t-shirt, one of the ones she loved stealing to sleep in.
“Sorry, you just caught me by surprise.”
“Yeah, you’re pretty focused on those eggs,” he teased.
“No, I was just thinking about what’s going to happen now with the investigation.”
Ben nodded slowly. “I have to check back in with Chris and see what they’ve found so far.”
Leslie turned and frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay to do that yet? I’m sure Chris has some people that can handle-”
“No,” he cut her off. “I know you’re trying to be helpful and I appreciate that, but I need to do this. If Yurgin was involved in this somehow, I need to know. I need to be a part of this.”
She tugged on Ben’s wrist and laced their fingers together. “I know you do. I’m just worried.”
“It’s my job-”
“I don’t give a damn about if it’s your job,” she snapped. “I care about you and whether or not this is going to push you over the edge again.”
She pulled away from him and put her face in her hands. “I can’t take this anymore. Too many things have happened to you since you started working for me.”
“What are you saying? Are you thinking of taking me off of this case?”
She looked up and crossed her arms. “I don’t know. I might if I feel that I have to.”
“You can’t do that.”
“You know better than to tell me what to do, Ben Wyatt,” she scoffed.
“And you know better than to let your feelings cloud your judgement. I know Jimmy. I know his group and that mindset. I can get in their heads better than anyone.”
“Well, what do you expect me to do, Ben? I care about you and it’s killing me to see what this is doing to you.”
“I’d resent you forever if you go through with it.”
“You’re going to end up resenting me anyway because it’s all my fault!”
She tried so hard to keep her feelings locked away, but she just couldn’t anymore. Between what happened last night and this morning, the tears that had been welling up inside of her finally broke free and rolled down her cheeks. She tried to hide her face, but that became pointless once the sobs took over.
Ben stepped forward and she halfheartedly resisted his attempts at pulling her to him. But he was persistent, and she finally gave in, letting out all the pent up emotion onto Ben’s shirt.
“I’m so sorry,” she cried. “This is all my fault and I’m so sorry.”
“Shh,” he whispered. “None of this is your fault.”
“Yes it is. If it wasn’t for me you would have never gotten involved in this and never had your past thrown back in your face and wouldn’t have gotten shot. We wouldn’t both be stuck out here and you wouldn’t be screaming my name in your nightmares.”
“Leslie, none of that is true. I know you hate it when I say this, but it is my job. I would have gotten involved sooner or later, and it had nothing to do with you. You aren’t responsible for ICE Town, and you aren’t responsible for what’s happened with this either. The only people at fault here are the ones trying to kill you.”
He pulled her face away from his chest and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I could never blame or resent you, not for this. Believe me, I understand guilt more than anyone, but pulling me off of this investigation isn’t going to solve anything. I can do this. It’ll be hard, but I can. And believe me, for every shitty thing that’s happened in my life, it ultimately led me here to you. I can’t be more grateful.
She screwed her eyes shut and frowned. “Please, don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” He wiped at her tears with his thumb. “I’m on this path in my life because of that moment, and a million different things could have been different, but for some crazy, fucked up reason, I have you. I would trade anything to prevent ICE Town from happening and bring my squad back, but I can’t. But what I can do is find justice for them. These people that killed my friends, they’re out there somewhere, and now they’re after you. I need to bring them to justice. For my brothers and sisters and for you.”
He pulled her into a tight hug, and she could feel his trembling arms vibrating against her back.
“I won’t let them,” he whispered into her hair. “I won’t let them take away someone else that I love.”
Leslie wrapped her arms even stronger around his back, almost like she was trying to pull him inside of her.
He loved her. He said it, in his own way. Despite her already knowing this, hearing him admit to it outloud still shocked her speechless.
But now she knew, she finally understood why he had to do this. This wasn’t out of revenge or fear or hatred. He wasn’t trying to preserve his name or be the hero.
He was doing this out of love, not only for her, but for the men and women he lost so long ago.
If possible, this scared her even more. She knew the risks that people were willing to take for those they loved, and it honestly terrified her the lengths that he’d go.
But she also knew that she couldn’t tell him no.
“They won’t,” she murmured into his chest. “They’ll never be able to take me away from you.”
She ran her hand up past his shoulder and neck, curling her fingers around the hairs at his nape before pulling his lips to her own.
He eagerly returned the kiss until Leslie pulled away sharply when she smelled something burning.
“Oh God, the eggs.” She turned around and pulled the skillet off of the burner. “Shit, I ruined breakfast.”
The last thing she expected to hear was Ben chuckling behind her. His quiet giggles soon turning into full-fledged laughter.
“It’s not funny,” she said weakly, but his laughter was contagious, and she soon found herself smiling along with him.
It felt good to laugh again, even if it was at something so insignificant and stupid.
She tried to stifle her laughs. “Okay, okay.” She shooed him out of the kitchen. “Go call Chris while I try this again without you distracting me.”
He kissed her through their smiles, a somewhat awkward clashing of lips and teeth that neither seemed to mind.
“Thank you,” he said as he made his way out.
“Go do your job, soldier,” she smirked.
His body became ramrod straight as he stood at attention and saluted her. “Yes, ma’am, Madam President, ma’am.”
She threw a dish towel at his face, Ben continuing to laugh as he turned around and walked towards the phone.
With Ben’s muffled voice in the background, Leslie walked to the fridge and grabbed more eggs.
~~~~~
One thing that Leslie had learned throughout her life surrounded by politics was that just because you did the right thing, it didn’t mean that you had to like it.
She knew that Ben continuing on the investigation was the best course of action. He was the resident expert on border conflicts and Eagleton extremist groups. Hell, that’s why he was originally assigned this case months ago.
And this, this was what he had been after since he started with Intelligence.
It made the most logical sense.
But logic meant nothing to her when she saw the permanent bags under Ben’s eyes. It meant nothing when he’d crawl into bed with her in the middle of the night long after she fell asleep, and he was still up before her.
And those were on the days he even bother coming to bed. She’s come out more than a few times and found him asleep over the files on the table.
She hadn’t realized how quickly she had grown accustomed to having him in her bed. Night’s without him felt so much colder and lonelier.
Fuck logic. He was emotionally and physically drained, more so than she had ever seen him, and while she wouldn’t pull him off of the assignment, she can damn well help him relax.
She walked into the dining room which had become Ben’s makeshift office and took in the sight of him. His hair was wild and unbrushed, his face coarse from days of not shaving, and the bags under his eyes were still ever present.
She stood beside him and rested her hip against the armrest of his chair.
“Hey, how’s it going?” she asked while trying to tame his hair with her fingers.
Without looking up from his work, he wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her closer. “Uh, it’s actually going pretty well. A lot of the forensics from the bomb site came back. Again, the explosion destroyed a lot of potential evidence, but they were able to recover some fragments of documents that link them directly with your case. We had suspected as much, but it’s definitely good to know for sure.”
He pulled out some images of charred papers. “This one here looks like a rough draft of the third threat note. And this one is a map of the layout of your parents’ Park and the surrounding buildings. They most likely used the building as a safe house and did a lot of their planning there before actually carrying things out.”
“Okay, that’s good. Based on everything, though, their group had to be much larger than the few bodies that were found inside. Obviously not everyone was present when the bomb went off, so maybe there’s a chance that other members are going to try and go back there no knowing what happened.”
“That’s what we thought, too. Since the bombing, officers have been patrolling the area and keeping an eye out for anyone that looks like they’re trying to go back there. The entire area was basically abandoned until then, so anyone sniffing around there should raise some red flags.”
“I’m assuming no one’s gone back?”
Ben shook his head. “Nope. Either they somehow got word about what happened and were told to stay away, or…”
“Or what?”
He looked up at her for the first time since she entered the room. “Or this wasn’t an accident and they knew not to come back.”
Leslie’s eyes grew wide. “You don’t think this was an accident? I don’t know why I’m surprised. You hardly ever think anything with these people is an accident.”
“I know I say this about just about everything, but I have to think that this was all pre-planned. We can’t rule it out, at least. Whoever is pulling all of the strings is smart and ruthless. He used Joe as a delivery boy then had him killed by Brandt, who was then also killed. The sniper who shot at you did so knowing he wouldn’t make it out of there alive. This guy is not opposed to killing his own people.
“If he felt that site was compromising their objective, he would have had no problem getting rid of it. Maybe he wanted to kill Jimmy and the other members because they were a liability to him. Jimmy’s no stranger around an explosive device. I can’t see a bomb as rudimentary as this malfunctioning under his watch.”
“So, it was either planted there or purposely sabotaged?”
“Yeah, but it’s too soon to tell,” he shrugged. “We have our best forensics people sifting through the wreckage trying to piece together more documents and anything else that could be useful.”
“And I’m assuming no ID on the other bodies either, right?”
“Nothing.”
Leslie sighed. “Of course not. That’d be too much to hope for.”
Ben slipped his finger beneath the waist of Leslie’s pants and rubbed little circles on her hipbone. “I’m sorry, babe.”
She bent over and pressed a kiss to his hair. “It’s not your fault. I know all of you are doing the best that you can and working hard.” She paused, bringing her finger to his chin and angling his face towards hers. “Too hard, if you ask me.”
“Someone once told me when I said something similar to her that, and I quote, ‘There is no such thing as working too hard’.”
“That was for me, so it’s different,” she teased. “Besides, I was sleeping alone then by choice. Now, you being overworked is depriving me of some serious naked cuddle time.”
He closed his eyes and smiled wistfully. “Mmm, naked cuddle time. I miss that.”
“Well, you have no one to blame but yourself, buddy.” She pouted playfully. “Sometimes I sleep naked and wait for you to come, but you never do.”
Ben let out a painful groan. “You’re killing me, here.”
“Not my fault,” she smirked. “I just guess these files are more interesting than a naked girlfriend.”
His face grew serious and he pulled her onto his lap. “Hey, I know you’re half-joking, but please don’t forget why I’m doing this. Believe me, I hate not being able to spend as much time with you as before, but-”
“I know, I know, and you’re right. I know how we both get when we’re obsessed with something.” She rested her head against his. “This is just so hard for you and it hurts me to see you hurting.”
“Of all people, I know you probably understand this driving need to see this through the most. Trust me, nothing is more interesting or important than you--especially naked.”
Leslie couldn’t help but chuckle, pulling away to look at him. “I still think you’re overworking yourself, which is why I’m here.” She hopped off of his lap and extended her hand towards him. “Come on, Major. You’re taking a break.”
“Leslie, I really shouldn’t-”
“No arguments. You’ve made a lot of progress so far, and you can at least take the rest of the night off. I have a surprise for you in my bedroom.”
His eyes grew wide and he took her hand tentatively. “Honey, I really want to, but I don’t know if I have the energy-”
She grinned as she threw her weight and pulled him up. “I didn’t mean that. Although, I won’t object if you manage to get a second wind, but no, that’s not what I have planned.”
She dragged him down the hall and into her room. The lights were off, two candles lit on her nightstand.
“Okay, now strip.”
“Uhm, how is this not what I thought before?” he said as he slowly began unbuttoning his shirt.
“It isn’t. Remember when I was working on that U.N. presentation and I hadn’t slept for like three days?”
“Oh yeah, those were some dark days.”
“Right, and even though we had barely become friends at that point, you kidnapped me from my office and forced me to watch movies and eat junk food.”
“I got you that L-shaped eclair.”
“Yes, you did, and I almost jumped you because of it. But anyway, my point is that you got me to relax, and even though I resented it at first, I was glad to take my mind off of everything. I’m returning the favor, girlfriend style.” She reached over and grabbed a bottle of oil from the dresser. “So, hurry up and take those clothes off, because I’m going to give you a nice, soothing massage.”
That got Ben’s interest, and his fingers worked faster. “That sounds pretty damn amazing. My back has been killing me.”
“That’s what happens when you don’t sleep in a proper bed for days on end.”
When he was stripped down to his boxers, he laid down on Leslie’s bed on his stomach with his arms pillowing his head.
“Okay,” Leslie started as she straddled his legs. “You just relax and let me know if you like or dislike anything. If you’re good, this might have a happy ending.”
Ben’s chuckle was muffled, but she felt the vibrations throughout his body.
She poured some of the oil into her palms and rubbed them together to warm it up before starting to massage his shoulders.
He was beyond tense, and the built up scar tissue that riddled his back made it difficult, but her fingers dug into the knotted muscles, and she felt them loosen beneath her touch.
She hit a particularly sore spot, and Ben let out a delicious groan that shot straight through to her core. She was no stranger to the contended noises he was making, and her body was reacting against her will.
“This feel okay?”
“Better than okay.” His voice was still muffled and his words sounded slurred with fatigue. “Baby, your fingers are even more magical than I thought. And I thought they were pretty damn fantastic to begin with.”
“I’m a woman of many talents.”
“I’ll say. Those fingers sign laws and treaties and can also give one hell of a backrub. Is there anything they can’t do?”
“Well, they can’t make good soup or do a handstand in a pool. But that’s pretty much it.”
“Thank them for me. My back is still in shock. It’s not used to being treated so well outside of physical therapy.”
She knew he meant it innocently enough, but that statement struck her. When they first became friends, she often forgot how unaccustomed he was to small gestures of kindness or affection. Even now that they were dating, he still seemed surprised by the little things she enjoyed doing to show him how much she cared.
It was unfathomable to her that someone who cared and loved so deeply like Ben had experienced so little in return.
Every so often, Leslie traced the lines of his scars with her lips as well as her fingers. She was telling him that he was beautiful, that he deserved to be pampered at any opportunity.
He was worth so much more than he knew.
She scooted down his legs so she could focus on his lower back, paying extra special attention to the firm muscles of his ass. She slowly and sensuously cupped each cheek with her palms before kneading.
“Mmm, I have a feeling that is more for your benefit than mine,” Ben mumbled with amusement.
“It might be, but we’re both enjoying it, so I don’t see a problem,” she answered while taking another nice squeeze.
“Definitely no problem at all.”
The massage continued until she noticed his steady, gentle breathing.
While she wouldn’t have been opposed to some naked cuddling, her ultimate goal was to get Ben to catch up some much needed rest, and in that respect, she succeeded.
She pressed a gentle kiss at the base of his neck before going to the bathroom to wash the excess oil from her hands.
She came back to find that he hadn’t moved, still fast asleep.
Grabbing an extra blanket, she curled up beside him and draped the fabric over them before snuggling next to him. Even in his sleep he was aware of her presence, shifting onto his side so he could wrap his arm around her.
She welcomed his embrace and pressed a kiss to his bare chest just above his heart.
“I love you,” she whispered into his skin.
She closed her eyes before she could see Ben’s smile.
~~~~~
Ben’s relaxation time was short lived, but he at least made an effort to come to bed at a reasonable hour.
Thankfully, Andy was able to bring her more work to help quell her growing cabin fever, but along with that came news of a whole new set of problems.
It was hard trying to run a country from the middle of nowhere. Ron was technically acting as her proxy, but she had to still keep a close watch on things or else he’d do something stupid like get rid of the military or remove all traffic lights.
The biggest problem, however, was the mere fact that she had been gone for so long. She left the Capital after the shooting in such a hurry that the country was left in a state of shock it still hadn’t quite recovered from.
Pawneans weren’t known for being the most patient or understanding of people. They were notoriously prone to spells of widespread panic, panic that the media did nothing but stoke.
The more unscrupulous “news” sources were saying that she and Ben had died and that there was a huge conspiracy to cover the truth. Another claimed that the whole thing was staged, from the threats to the shooting. It was all an elaborate political scheme put together by the president and her lover to boost approval ratings and gain sympathy.
But the bottom line was this: her people were terrified. They had every right to be, to be honest. They witnessed their leader get shot at--not by a single madman, but by a highly trained military officer who was a member of an even larger terrorist organization.
The biggest worry was that they still had no idea what their ultimate objective was. Kill Leslie, but then what? How much death and destruction were they willing to cause? Did their next big plot involve a large scale terrorist attack?
The bomb fragments that were found in the safehouse wreckage certainly suggested as much. Too many lives had already been lost and they were no closer to uncovering the truth. Pawnee had every right to be afraid, and her absence only made things worse.
There were mass protests being held across the country, some in her favor and others calling for her resignation. The unrest was far greater than she had ever seen, and she could do nothing but watch from the sidelines, being fed bits of information here and there by Andy and Chris.
She couldn’t go back now, no matter how much she wanted to. They still had no idea how high up this conspiracy went, how many Eagleton plants could be walking the halls of the Capitol.
Maybe this was their plan all along, to create such a state of civil unrest that the country just collapsed on itself. Killing Leslie would just be the final nail in the coffin, the real damage being done long before the pull of the trigger.
Leslie put her head in her hands and tried to calm the overwhelming wave of anxiety. Nothing short of uncovering the group’s plan would solve this, and that seemed more and more unlikely as the days progressed.
She had faith in Ben and everyone investigating the case, but that didn’t change facts. Whoever’s controlling everything is nothing short of a genius, and has been steps ahead of them from the very beginning.
She hated it, but there was absolutely nothing she could do. For the most powerful person in the country, she truly felt powerless.
Ben walked slowly into the room and she peered at him from between her fingers.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I guess your update with Andy didn’t go so well?”
She shook her head as Ben took a seat next to her. “No. Things are getting worse. They don’t know where I am or what’s happened to me and they’re scared. Well, some are scared, others want me to stay right where I am and never come back.”
Ben reached out and grabbed her hand, and she held onto it with everything she had.
“Riots are starting to happen all over the country,” she continued. “And there have been far too many reports of Eagletonian immigrants being victimized or their homes and businesses vandalized. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, either. I’m a spectator watching from miles away as my country either destroys itself or gets destroyed by a group of radicals.”
“Neither of those things will happen, Leslie.”
“They already are. We’re stuck here twiddling our thumbs and grasping at straws and useless clues while everything I’ve worked for--everything my father worked for-- goes up in flames. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Ben. I was supposed to lead us into a golden age of prosperity and rise as a world power. I was going to go down in history books as the greatest leader that Pawnee had ever seen. But now, no matter what I do or what happens, this will be how I’m remembered. It doesn’t matter what the facts are. I’ll be known as the leader that hid from everything like a coward.”
He didn’t answer her because they both knew she was right. Their country had become a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
“Tom’s been doing a lot to try to handle things,” Leslie continued. “He said that a few of our allies are willing to back us up with military support should it come to that.”
“That’s good, right?”
“I guess,” Leslie shrugged. “But it’s not like we’ll know in advance if or when we’d need it. I just hope it never comes to that. I mean, I’m at a loss at this point, too. We barely know who these people are. No one has been able to track them down in twenty years. We can’t just roll some troops into Eagleton and demand they give us information about a group that they may or may not be affiliated with.”
Ben nodded thoughtfully. “Well, we’re currently trying to see if we can work with the U.N. and pressure the Eagletonian government into giving us the information we need. They claim they don’t trust us having any kind of access to their records for national security reasons, so maybe having some kind of third party mediator will help.”
“Like Eagleton would ever agree to that,” Leslie snorted.
“They might. If not, we use more forceful tactics. Threaten when asking politely doesn’t work anymore.”
Leslie threw her hands in the air. “Great! Now I can add “warmonger” to my list of accomplishments. I hate Eagleton and everything they stand for, but how are we any better if we do this?”
“Leslie, whether their government knows who’s behind this or not, they are withholding vital information that can help us solve this case. They are purposely hindering the investigation of an assassination attempt.”
“I don’t want to go to war.”
“Neither do I, but this is how wars start. I know you hate it, but threatening them with war to get what we need to save your life is better than having to actually start one. The U.N. is on your side on this. We just need your okay to officially present everything and have them vote.”
She sighed. “Fine, but no threats of violence just yet. This will only be to petition the United Nations to make the recommendation that Eagleton supply us with the information that we need. If they don’t comply, then we’ll talk about what to do next.”
“Fair enough, but Leslie, you need to be prepared for the possibility that they won’t agree so easily. Our countries have hated one another for hundreds of years. A “recommendation” by the U.N. might not be enough.”
He spoke slowly, almost as if he was explaining this to a child instead of a grown woman who had spent most of her life immersed in politics.
“I know that, Ben. I’m not a naive idiot,” she snapped.
He reached forward and once again held onto her hands. “I know that. I know you know what you’re doing. I’m not suggesting any different. But I also know you, and I know that sometimes you have trouble making the tough decisions. No one wants a conflict with Eagleton, certainly not me. I’ve barely gotten a taste of what war is like, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if we find out that they are somehow involved and knowingly harboring terrorists hellbent on killing you and destroying everything that Pawnee stands for, you can be damn sure that I’ll be on the front lines. As far as I know, they declared war on us the second that sniper fired at you.”
She stared at their joined hands and bit her lip in thought. “No matter what, it will be my final option.”
“That’s reasonable.” He moved a hand under her chin and raised her face. “Let’s just hope Ron doesn’t dismantle the Pawnee military before then, right?” he said with a crooked smile. “Then we’ll be shit out of luck and I’d be unemployed.”
She gave a weak quirk of her lips. “Can’t have that. What will everyone think if I have a deadbeat for a boyfriend?”
“That you weren’t attracted to me because of my job, but something much more important--my devastatingly good looks.”
“Damn right.”
The two sat in a much more comfortable silence, Ben’s thumb tracing intricate patterns on the inside of her wrists as his smile slowly faded.
“We ok?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “This is just...a lot to deal with all at once. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, they do.”
“I know the feeling.”
She looked at him and cocked her head to the side, studying him. “You do, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question. He knew probably better than anyone. “How do you handle it?”
“Well, I wasn’t so good at it for a while, but then I just eventually learned to focus on other things, focus on solving the problem. It helped a little, but in the process it hardened me and made me impossible to deal with. Then someone very special showed me that the beautiful thing was that I didn’t have to handle it all on my own.”
He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “So, I’m going to tell her the same thing, that there are people around her who love her and are doing everything they can to help.”
Standing up, Ben extended his hand towards her, mimicking her actions from only a few days prior.
“What, is it my turn for a massage?”
“Something like that,” Ben shrugged. “It does involve a bed, you stripping naked, and possibly some oil.”
Leslie took his hand with a raised eyebrow and he led her to his bedroom.
It was so much better than a massage.
~~~~~
Wrapped in Ben’s arms beneath the thin, cotton sheet, Leslie watched as the moonlight trickled in from the window.The moon was bright and full, far too beautiful to be shining down on an earth that sometimes seemed so undeserving.
She never thought she’d see a circumstance that tested her like this one had. To question the inherent goodness in her fellow man was something that never happened. She wasn’t like Ben, whose suspicious and distrusting nature turned her off to him almost immediately. She grew to appreciate that about him but never fully understood it.
Until now, that is.
“You’re thinking bad and depressing thoughts,” the chest beneath her ear rumbled.
“How can you tell?”
“I just can.”
She waited for him to ask what was wrong or at least try to talk to her about it, but he didn’t.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory?” he asked instead and it took her by surprise.
“What?”
“You know, when you were a kid, what’s the greatest thing you remember happening to you?”
Leslie smiled, not even having to think. “That’s easy. The day my mom and dad got me Li’l Sebastian.”
“The pony?”
She raised her head from his chest to look him square in the eye. “He wasn’t a pony, Ben, he was a mini horse. Completely different. And he was a national treasure.”
Ben gave her a wry smile and nodded. “I remember that. He was everywhere. Wasn’t there a petition to have him be the on the face of some money or something.”
“Yes,” Leslie huffed, “and it would have happened too if there wasn’t already some stupid law about only dead leaders being allowed on any Pawnee currency.”
“Pity.” He didn’t sound all that convincing. “Anyway, tell me more about it. I honestly never fully understood the obsession with him.”
She gave him a stern look. “You realize that statement was close to treason.”
“I do, I do,” he said quickly. “Which is why I want you to tell me about him. About that day and your experiences with him. Maybe you’ll finally be able to open my eyes.”
She felt his arms squeeze her tighter as she took a deep breath and thought back to that day.
“It was my 10th birthday and my parents got him for me as a gift. We had horses, but this was the first one that was exclusively mine. I had no idea horses that small even existed, but when I saw him, I knew he was going to be one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me.
“Something that amazing and adorable couldn’t stay a secret for long, and before I knew it, he was a national sensation. He was practically the country mascot, going on tours both in and out of Pawnee. He was more well liked than any politician could ever dream of being. I was sometimes starstruck by him, and he was my horse.”
She sniffled and pressed her face into Ben’s side. “When he died, it was probably one of the worst days of my life. The whole nation was in mourning. I think that’s the only time I’ve ever seen Ron cry. He had been so special to me for twenty five years, and I still wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.”
Ben pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I remember seeing the Memorial Service on television. I didn’t expect so many people to have gone in person.”
She nodded. “Thousands came from all across Pawnee. Some even from outside of the country. I try to visit his memorial statue whenever I can.”
“You know why I think he was so special?”
“Because he was a perfect mini horse?”
“Yeah, that,” he chuckled, “but there’s more. He was a symbol that united a nation. To you, he was your beloved pet, but to thousands upon thousands, he was an icon. Everybody saw him as something they could get behind and support. I might not have “gotten” it at the time, but his memorial service was amazing. I never would have guessed so many people cared, that so many people mourned him because of who he was and what he meant to them.
“In your eulogy, you said that he saw the good in everyone and everything. I think that’s what made him so special. Why he had the impact that he did. People believed that, and maybe that made them see the good in themselves too.”
“How do you do it?” Leslie asked after a brief pause. “How do you always seem to know what I’m thinking and then say exactly what I need to hear.”
He reached over and swept some invisible hairs away from her face. “I get into peoples’ heads. It’s what I’m good at. Plus, I know you. I know you’re beating yourself up and getting frustrated and losing your faith in humanity. I don’t want that to happen to you. I hate that it happened to me, and I am slowly learning to gain that trust back. Take it from someone who has been on the other side. It’s not fun assuming the worst of people. That’s what drew me to you. You were so different from me.
“At first, I thought you were just naive, but you aren’t. You don’t always see people and circumstances as they are, but what they have the potential to be, and that’s what makes you a good leader. That’s what you and Li’l Sebastian have in common, and just like with him, when push comes to shove, your people will rally behind you.”
More than anything else, she wanted him to be right, wanted to believe what he said was true. She didn’t feel like the same person that said those words at the funeral and wasn’t sure if she’d ever be again. That thought terrified her instead of comforted her.
“I wish we could be certain. I just hope that we won’t have to wait until my memorial service to find out.”
“We won’t, you’ll see.”
She might not have faith in herself at the moment, but it was okay. Ben had enough for the both of them.
Author: zarrati
Rating: R for Language, violent/traumatic themes, and sexual content
Fandom: Parks and Recreation-Leslie/Ben
Summary: Leslie does her best to deal with Ben and the aftermath of Chris’ phone call, and both have a hard time with work/life balance. Cameo by Li’L Sebastian.
Author’s note: It’s finally here!! I did my best to try and balance the angst and drama of the story with some more tender/fluffy Ben/Leslie moments. Enjoy!
When she was eight years old, Leslie awoke from one of the worst nightmares she ever had. She honestly didn’t even remember what it was about. All she knew is that she woke up screaming, crying out so loudly that within minutes, her father was in her room gathering her into his arms. As she sobbed into his chest, she could feel the kisses he peppered into her hair, hear the soft, soothing whispers meant to calm her racing heart.
She felt loved. She felt protected. She felt that as long as her father was there, no monster from her nightmares could ever touch her.
Now, as she held a sobbing Ben to her own chest, she wanted nothing more than impart that same feeling to him. She was going to protect him, even if it was from the things that only existed in his dreams.
Leslie did her best to quell her own fear, tried to steady the shaking hand that ran through Ben’s hair. He didn’t need the added guilt of knowing how much this ordeal had affected her too.
From her bed, she had heard the phone clatter on the ground followed by the loud thump as Ben’s knees hit the wood floor. She called out to him and frantically put her shirt back on when he didn’t respond.
She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but running out and seeing an almost catatonic Ben was nowhere on her list. She yelled his name, ran her hands over his face and chest, but he stared past her like she didn’t exist.
She picked up the abandoned phone and prayed that Chris was still on the line. She demanded answers, frantic as she tried to understand what was happening. The weight on her chest became even heavier as Chris told her about the explosion--about the one person that connected it to Ben.
Just hearing the name made her tremble, and the fact that he might somehow be involved in the plot against her made her sick to her stomach. She hung up the phone and shifted her attentions back to Ben.
He hadn’t moved the entire time she had talked with Chris. His eyes were still vacant and his ears unhearing. She somehow managed to get him up and walking towards the bed, into which he promptly collapsed.
She grabbed every blanket she could find and piled them on top of his quaking body before crawling in next to him. His skin felt flushed and clammy despite the shivers, but she only held him tighter.
She wasn’t sure exactly when he had fallen asleep, but his tense body managed to relax if only for a few moments. Her own body longed to join him in rest, but her mind wouldn’t allow it, not after what just happened.
Barely a half hour had passed before she felt him stirring again, a telltale sign that a nightmare was coming on. Normally when this happens, she can coax him out of it with a small shake or call of his name.
But tonight it didn’t work. His subconscious kept a tight grip on him, and he soon began thrashing about on the bed. His whimpers soon turned to screams, and Leslie quickly moved away from him. She continued to call out his name and shake him, but that only made his screams louder.
When those tortured screams took on the form of her name, she lost it. Deep down, a part of her was afraid that he’d lash out or hurt himself in his sleep, so she did the only thing her terrified brain could think of and slapped him across the cheek.
Looking down on him now, she noticed that his tears had stopped, and he was once again lulled to sleep. She gently ran her thumb over where she had hit him, a small bruise already starting to show. She leaned down to kiss it, careful not to jostle Ben from his rest.
Now that he was finally at peace, she allowed her own emotions to come bubbling to the surface. The fear she felt when she found Ben on the ground, the crushing guilt that his nightmares now revolved around her, it all overwhelmed her.
She eventually closed her eyes and dreamed. She dreamed of a different life, a simpler life where the fate of a country didn’t rest on her shoulders, where she didn’t walk around feeling like she had a target painted onto her back. She dreamed that there was no ICE Town, that Ben was not bound by a traumatic past and could embrace all that life had to offer. In that dream world, all they needed was each other, and they embraced it without reservation.
She dreamed of a life that could never be.
~~~~~
Leslie awoke to the feeling of being watched, a feeling she had become accustomed to over the course of her life. She opened her eyes and found Ben’s looking back at her, finally their usual warm brown as opposed to nearly black and vacant.
He was slowly running his hands through her hair, pushing away the errant strands that always fell in front of her face. It almost felt like any other morning, and for the briefest of moments, she had forgotten about the chaos that was the night before. But when she saw the growing bruise on his cheek, it all came rushing back.
With the back of her hand, she gently brushed his face and grimaced at his wince.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
He brought his hand up to cover hers on his cheek. “Don’t apologize. I’d rather this than wake up and find out that I’ve hurt you.”
“I told you that you didn’t-” she tried to argue, but he interrupted her.
“No, but I could have. If you hadn’t woken me up, I could have done this to you, or worse. If that happened-” He pressed his forehead to hers and released a deep breath. “I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you.”
“You’d never hurt me on purpose.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he shook his head. He pulled away slightly and cupped her face so she looked him straight in the eye. “Listen to me. If that ever happens again and you can’t get me out of it, leave the bed. Please, I’d rather suffer through a nightmare than do anything that could hurt you.”
No, this wasn’t right. He needed her, needed her to free him from the confines of his mind. Today had been a fluke, a trauma brought on by something neither one of them could have prepared for.
“Ben, I-”
“Promise me.”
His voice was still raspy and weak, but there was a power behind it. It was forceful yet pleading, and she had no choice but to agree.
“I promise.”
She could almost see the weight being lifted off of his shoulders, and it broke her heart. After everything that he had gone through in the last few hours, he was still concerned about her above everything else.
“What about you?” she asked. “How are you holding up?”
She honestly had no idea how to broach the subject other than be direct. How else does one ask about your boyfriend’s mental state after going into shock when he heard about the death of the man who was his best friend but tried to kill him? The death of the man who succeeded in killing almost everyone he cared about. The man who turned Ben’s life upside down, leaving him permanently scarred both physically and mentally. The man who died from a bomb that was most likely going to be used in a plot to kill you.
She had no precedent for this, no ‘training’ she had undergone. She was going on pure instinct, her instinct to care for the man that she loved.
He didn’t answer her immediately, something that didn’t shock her. She barely knew how she was feeling. She didn’t expect Ben to be able to fully verbalize everything that was running through his mind.
“It’s weird,” he finally said. “I expected to feel something a lot different if this day ever came. I honestly never thought I’d hear about him again, but I always thought that if he died, I’d have a sense of closure. I’d feel angry or sad or happy that he got what he deserved. I’d feel like justice was finally served, you know? But when Chris told me what happened, I didn’t feel any of that. I was just...numb. I can’t explain it either. I don’t know why I reacted that way. It just brought everything back to the forefront of my mind, and I couldn’t deal with it.”
He ran a finger down her neck. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I just couldn’t help or control myself. I could see you.” His finger moved to trace the path of dried tears. “I saw you crying, saw that you were pleading with me to get up, but I couldn’t. I wanted to more than anything, but I didn’t even feel like I was in control of my own body. And knowing that he might have been involved it what’s happening to you, it just sent me over the edge.”
“And your dream? You were screaming my name.”
But he wasn’t ready to answer that. He closed his eyes and shook his head, as if the mere memory of it was too painful. He burrowed his face into the side of Leslie’s neck, and his breath tickled the sensitive skin there.
She just continued to play with the hairs at his nape. She wasn’t going to push him--no matter how much she wanted to. She needed to know what he dreamed of her, what would cause him to scream her name in a way she never wanted to hear from anyone again.
But she had to wait.
Leslie pressed a kiss to his forehead. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me now.”
He nodded slowly and released a sigh.
“You think you’re up for getting out of bed?” she asked. “Maybe have some breakfast?”
He shook his head and pulled her closer. “Not yet. Can we lay here for a little while longer. I just...I need to hold you right now.”
“Of course. We can stay here as long as you want.”
“Don’t say that,” he laughed softly. “If it was up to me, I’d stay here with you forever.”
Right now, that didn’t sound so bad.
~~~~~
Eventually, hunger and thirst drove them from the bed. Leslie was able to convince Ben to take a nice, hot shower while she made them breakfast, sorely tempted to take him up on the offer to join him.
Leslie stared at the eggs and sausage as they cooked on the stove while she tried to think about what was going to happen moving forward. Up until that point, she had purposely not thought about anything other than what was happening at that moment. She kept her focus on Ben and couldn’t afford to think about anything else.
But the harsh reality was that they did need to have some sort of plan. This whole ordeal might have thrown a new wrench into their investigation, more and more pieces being thrown into a puzzle that was already so complex to begin with.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Ben come up behind her, and she jumped slightly as he wrapped his arms around her.
“It’s okay, it’s just me,” he said as he rested his chin on her shoulder.
She leaned into his embrace, tiny water droplets from his damp hair splashing against her skin. He had put on a soft, cotton t-shirt, one of the ones she loved stealing to sleep in.
“Sorry, you just caught me by surprise.”
“Yeah, you’re pretty focused on those eggs,” he teased.
“No, I was just thinking about what’s going to happen now with the investigation.”
Ben nodded slowly. “I have to check back in with Chris and see what they’ve found so far.”
Leslie turned and frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay to do that yet? I’m sure Chris has some people that can handle-”
“No,” he cut her off. “I know you’re trying to be helpful and I appreciate that, but I need to do this. If Yurgin was involved in this somehow, I need to know. I need to be a part of this.”
She tugged on Ben’s wrist and laced their fingers together. “I know you do. I’m just worried.”
“It’s my job-”
“I don’t give a damn about if it’s your job,” she snapped. “I care about you and whether or not this is going to push you over the edge again.”
She pulled away from him and put her face in her hands. “I can’t take this anymore. Too many things have happened to you since you started working for me.”
“What are you saying? Are you thinking of taking me off of this case?”
She looked up and crossed her arms. “I don’t know. I might if I feel that I have to.”
“You can’t do that.”
“You know better than to tell me what to do, Ben Wyatt,” she scoffed.
“And you know better than to let your feelings cloud your judgement. I know Jimmy. I know his group and that mindset. I can get in their heads better than anyone.”
“Well, what do you expect me to do, Ben? I care about you and it’s killing me to see what this is doing to you.”
“I’d resent you forever if you go through with it.”
“You’re going to end up resenting me anyway because it’s all my fault!”
She tried so hard to keep her feelings locked away, but she just couldn’t anymore. Between what happened last night and this morning, the tears that had been welling up inside of her finally broke free and rolled down her cheeks. She tried to hide her face, but that became pointless once the sobs took over.
Ben stepped forward and she halfheartedly resisted his attempts at pulling her to him. But he was persistent, and she finally gave in, letting out all the pent up emotion onto Ben’s shirt.
“I’m so sorry,” she cried. “This is all my fault and I’m so sorry.”
“Shh,” he whispered. “None of this is your fault.”
“Yes it is. If it wasn’t for me you would have never gotten involved in this and never had your past thrown back in your face and wouldn’t have gotten shot. We wouldn’t both be stuck out here and you wouldn’t be screaming my name in your nightmares.”
“Leslie, none of that is true. I know you hate it when I say this, but it is my job. I would have gotten involved sooner or later, and it had nothing to do with you. You aren’t responsible for ICE Town, and you aren’t responsible for what’s happened with this either. The only people at fault here are the ones trying to kill you.”
He pulled her face away from his chest and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I could never blame or resent you, not for this. Believe me, I understand guilt more than anyone, but pulling me off of this investigation isn’t going to solve anything. I can do this. It’ll be hard, but I can. And believe me, for every shitty thing that’s happened in my life, it ultimately led me here to you. I can’t be more grateful.
She screwed her eyes shut and frowned. “Please, don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” He wiped at her tears with his thumb. “I’m on this path in my life because of that moment, and a million different things could have been different, but for some crazy, fucked up reason, I have you. I would trade anything to prevent ICE Town from happening and bring my squad back, but I can’t. But what I can do is find justice for them. These people that killed my friends, they’re out there somewhere, and now they’re after you. I need to bring them to justice. For my brothers and sisters and for you.”
He pulled her into a tight hug, and she could feel his trembling arms vibrating against her back.
“I won’t let them,” he whispered into her hair. “I won’t let them take away someone else that I love.”
Leslie wrapped her arms even stronger around his back, almost like she was trying to pull him inside of her.
He loved her. He said it, in his own way. Despite her already knowing this, hearing him admit to it outloud still shocked her speechless.
But now she knew, she finally understood why he had to do this. This wasn’t out of revenge or fear or hatred. He wasn’t trying to preserve his name or be the hero.
He was doing this out of love, not only for her, but for the men and women he lost so long ago.
If possible, this scared her even more. She knew the risks that people were willing to take for those they loved, and it honestly terrified her the lengths that he’d go.
But she also knew that she couldn’t tell him no.
“They won’t,” she murmured into his chest. “They’ll never be able to take me away from you.”
She ran her hand up past his shoulder and neck, curling her fingers around the hairs at his nape before pulling his lips to her own.
He eagerly returned the kiss until Leslie pulled away sharply when she smelled something burning.
“Oh God, the eggs.” She turned around and pulled the skillet off of the burner. “Shit, I ruined breakfast.”
The last thing she expected to hear was Ben chuckling behind her. His quiet giggles soon turning into full-fledged laughter.
“It’s not funny,” she said weakly, but his laughter was contagious, and she soon found herself smiling along with him.
It felt good to laugh again, even if it was at something so insignificant and stupid.
She tried to stifle her laughs. “Okay, okay.” She shooed him out of the kitchen. “Go call Chris while I try this again without you distracting me.”
He kissed her through their smiles, a somewhat awkward clashing of lips and teeth that neither seemed to mind.
“Thank you,” he said as he made his way out.
“Go do your job, soldier,” she smirked.
His body became ramrod straight as he stood at attention and saluted her. “Yes, ma’am, Madam President, ma’am.”
She threw a dish towel at his face, Ben continuing to laugh as he turned around and walked towards the phone.
With Ben’s muffled voice in the background, Leslie walked to the fridge and grabbed more eggs.
~~~~~
One thing that Leslie had learned throughout her life surrounded by politics was that just because you did the right thing, it didn’t mean that you had to like it.
She knew that Ben continuing on the investigation was the best course of action. He was the resident expert on border conflicts and Eagleton extremist groups. Hell, that’s why he was originally assigned this case months ago.
And this, this was what he had been after since he started with Intelligence.
It made the most logical sense.
But logic meant nothing to her when she saw the permanent bags under Ben’s eyes. It meant nothing when he’d crawl into bed with her in the middle of the night long after she fell asleep, and he was still up before her.
And those were on the days he even bother coming to bed. She’s come out more than a few times and found him asleep over the files on the table.
She hadn’t realized how quickly she had grown accustomed to having him in her bed. Night’s without him felt so much colder and lonelier.
Fuck logic. He was emotionally and physically drained, more so than she had ever seen him, and while she wouldn’t pull him off of the assignment, she can damn well help him relax.
She walked into the dining room which had become Ben’s makeshift office and took in the sight of him. His hair was wild and unbrushed, his face coarse from days of not shaving, and the bags under his eyes were still ever present.
She stood beside him and rested her hip against the armrest of his chair.
“Hey, how’s it going?” she asked while trying to tame his hair with her fingers.
Without looking up from his work, he wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her closer. “Uh, it’s actually going pretty well. A lot of the forensics from the bomb site came back. Again, the explosion destroyed a lot of potential evidence, but they were able to recover some fragments of documents that link them directly with your case. We had suspected as much, but it’s definitely good to know for sure.”
He pulled out some images of charred papers. “This one here looks like a rough draft of the third threat note. And this one is a map of the layout of your parents’ Park and the surrounding buildings. They most likely used the building as a safe house and did a lot of their planning there before actually carrying things out.”
“Okay, that’s good. Based on everything, though, their group had to be much larger than the few bodies that were found inside. Obviously not everyone was present when the bomb went off, so maybe there’s a chance that other members are going to try and go back there no knowing what happened.”
“That’s what we thought, too. Since the bombing, officers have been patrolling the area and keeping an eye out for anyone that looks like they’re trying to go back there. The entire area was basically abandoned until then, so anyone sniffing around there should raise some red flags.”
“I’m assuming no one’s gone back?”
Ben shook his head. “Nope. Either they somehow got word about what happened and were told to stay away, or…”
“Or what?”
He looked up at her for the first time since she entered the room. “Or this wasn’t an accident and they knew not to come back.”
Leslie’s eyes grew wide. “You don’t think this was an accident? I don’t know why I’m surprised. You hardly ever think anything with these people is an accident.”
“I know I say this about just about everything, but I have to think that this was all pre-planned. We can’t rule it out, at least. Whoever is pulling all of the strings is smart and ruthless. He used Joe as a delivery boy then had him killed by Brandt, who was then also killed. The sniper who shot at you did so knowing he wouldn’t make it out of there alive. This guy is not opposed to killing his own people.
“If he felt that site was compromising their objective, he would have had no problem getting rid of it. Maybe he wanted to kill Jimmy and the other members because they were a liability to him. Jimmy’s no stranger around an explosive device. I can’t see a bomb as rudimentary as this malfunctioning under his watch.”
“So, it was either planted there or purposely sabotaged?”
“Yeah, but it’s too soon to tell,” he shrugged. “We have our best forensics people sifting through the wreckage trying to piece together more documents and anything else that could be useful.”
“And I’m assuming no ID on the other bodies either, right?”
“Nothing.”
Leslie sighed. “Of course not. That’d be too much to hope for.”
Ben slipped his finger beneath the waist of Leslie’s pants and rubbed little circles on her hipbone. “I’m sorry, babe.”
She bent over and pressed a kiss to his hair. “It’s not your fault. I know all of you are doing the best that you can and working hard.” She paused, bringing her finger to his chin and angling his face towards hers. “Too hard, if you ask me.”
“Someone once told me when I said something similar to her that, and I quote, ‘There is no such thing as working too hard’.”
“That was for me, so it’s different,” she teased. “Besides, I was sleeping alone then by choice. Now, you being overworked is depriving me of some serious naked cuddle time.”
He closed his eyes and smiled wistfully. “Mmm, naked cuddle time. I miss that.”
“Well, you have no one to blame but yourself, buddy.” She pouted playfully. “Sometimes I sleep naked and wait for you to come, but you never do.”
Ben let out a painful groan. “You’re killing me, here.”
“Not my fault,” she smirked. “I just guess these files are more interesting than a naked girlfriend.”
His face grew serious and he pulled her onto his lap. “Hey, I know you’re half-joking, but please don’t forget why I’m doing this. Believe me, I hate not being able to spend as much time with you as before, but-”
“I know, I know, and you’re right. I know how we both get when we’re obsessed with something.” She rested her head against his. “This is just so hard for you and it hurts me to see you hurting.”
“Of all people, I know you probably understand this driving need to see this through the most. Trust me, nothing is more interesting or important than you--especially naked.”
Leslie couldn’t help but chuckle, pulling away to look at him. “I still think you’re overworking yourself, which is why I’m here.” She hopped off of his lap and extended her hand towards him. “Come on, Major. You’re taking a break.”
“Leslie, I really shouldn’t-”
“No arguments. You’ve made a lot of progress so far, and you can at least take the rest of the night off. I have a surprise for you in my bedroom.”
His eyes grew wide and he took her hand tentatively. “Honey, I really want to, but I don’t know if I have the energy-”
She grinned as she threw her weight and pulled him up. “I didn’t mean that. Although, I won’t object if you manage to get a second wind, but no, that’s not what I have planned.”
She dragged him down the hall and into her room. The lights were off, two candles lit on her nightstand.
“Okay, now strip.”
“Uhm, how is this not what I thought before?” he said as he slowly began unbuttoning his shirt.
“It isn’t. Remember when I was working on that U.N. presentation and I hadn’t slept for like three days?”
“Oh yeah, those were some dark days.”
“Right, and even though we had barely become friends at that point, you kidnapped me from my office and forced me to watch movies and eat junk food.”
“I got you that L-shaped eclair.”
“Yes, you did, and I almost jumped you because of it. But anyway, my point is that you got me to relax, and even though I resented it at first, I was glad to take my mind off of everything. I’m returning the favor, girlfriend style.” She reached over and grabbed a bottle of oil from the dresser. “So, hurry up and take those clothes off, because I’m going to give you a nice, soothing massage.”
That got Ben’s interest, and his fingers worked faster. “That sounds pretty damn amazing. My back has been killing me.”
“That’s what happens when you don’t sleep in a proper bed for days on end.”
When he was stripped down to his boxers, he laid down on Leslie’s bed on his stomach with his arms pillowing his head.
“Okay,” Leslie started as she straddled his legs. “You just relax and let me know if you like or dislike anything. If you’re good, this might have a happy ending.”
Ben’s chuckle was muffled, but she felt the vibrations throughout his body.
She poured some of the oil into her palms and rubbed them together to warm it up before starting to massage his shoulders.
He was beyond tense, and the built up scar tissue that riddled his back made it difficult, but her fingers dug into the knotted muscles, and she felt them loosen beneath her touch.
She hit a particularly sore spot, and Ben let out a delicious groan that shot straight through to her core. She was no stranger to the contended noises he was making, and her body was reacting against her will.
“This feel okay?”
“Better than okay.” His voice was still muffled and his words sounded slurred with fatigue. “Baby, your fingers are even more magical than I thought. And I thought they were pretty damn fantastic to begin with.”
“I’m a woman of many talents.”
“I’ll say. Those fingers sign laws and treaties and can also give one hell of a backrub. Is there anything they can’t do?”
“Well, they can’t make good soup or do a handstand in a pool. But that’s pretty much it.”
“Thank them for me. My back is still in shock. It’s not used to being treated so well outside of physical therapy.”
She knew he meant it innocently enough, but that statement struck her. When they first became friends, she often forgot how unaccustomed he was to small gestures of kindness or affection. Even now that they were dating, he still seemed surprised by the little things she enjoyed doing to show him how much she cared.
It was unfathomable to her that someone who cared and loved so deeply like Ben had experienced so little in return.
Every so often, Leslie traced the lines of his scars with her lips as well as her fingers. She was telling him that he was beautiful, that he deserved to be pampered at any opportunity.
He was worth so much more than he knew.
She scooted down his legs so she could focus on his lower back, paying extra special attention to the firm muscles of his ass. She slowly and sensuously cupped each cheek with her palms before kneading.
“Mmm, I have a feeling that is more for your benefit than mine,” Ben mumbled with amusement.
“It might be, but we’re both enjoying it, so I don’t see a problem,” she answered while taking another nice squeeze.
“Definitely no problem at all.”
The massage continued until she noticed his steady, gentle breathing.
While she wouldn’t have been opposed to some naked cuddling, her ultimate goal was to get Ben to catch up some much needed rest, and in that respect, she succeeded.
She pressed a gentle kiss at the base of his neck before going to the bathroom to wash the excess oil from her hands.
She came back to find that he hadn’t moved, still fast asleep.
Grabbing an extra blanket, she curled up beside him and draped the fabric over them before snuggling next to him. Even in his sleep he was aware of her presence, shifting onto his side so he could wrap his arm around her.
She welcomed his embrace and pressed a kiss to his bare chest just above his heart.
“I love you,” she whispered into his skin.
She closed her eyes before she could see Ben’s smile.
~~~~~
Ben’s relaxation time was short lived, but he at least made an effort to come to bed at a reasonable hour.
Thankfully, Andy was able to bring her more work to help quell her growing cabin fever, but along with that came news of a whole new set of problems.
It was hard trying to run a country from the middle of nowhere. Ron was technically acting as her proxy, but she had to still keep a close watch on things or else he’d do something stupid like get rid of the military or remove all traffic lights.
The biggest problem, however, was the mere fact that she had been gone for so long. She left the Capital after the shooting in such a hurry that the country was left in a state of shock it still hadn’t quite recovered from.
Pawneans weren’t known for being the most patient or understanding of people. They were notoriously prone to spells of widespread panic, panic that the media did nothing but stoke.
The more unscrupulous “news” sources were saying that she and Ben had died and that there was a huge conspiracy to cover the truth. Another claimed that the whole thing was staged, from the threats to the shooting. It was all an elaborate political scheme put together by the president and her lover to boost approval ratings and gain sympathy.
But the bottom line was this: her people were terrified. They had every right to be, to be honest. They witnessed their leader get shot at--not by a single madman, but by a highly trained military officer who was a member of an even larger terrorist organization.
The biggest worry was that they still had no idea what their ultimate objective was. Kill Leslie, but then what? How much death and destruction were they willing to cause? Did their next big plot involve a large scale terrorist attack?
The bomb fragments that were found in the safehouse wreckage certainly suggested as much. Too many lives had already been lost and they were no closer to uncovering the truth. Pawnee had every right to be afraid, and her absence only made things worse.
There were mass protests being held across the country, some in her favor and others calling for her resignation. The unrest was far greater than she had ever seen, and she could do nothing but watch from the sidelines, being fed bits of information here and there by Andy and Chris.
She couldn’t go back now, no matter how much she wanted to. They still had no idea how high up this conspiracy went, how many Eagleton plants could be walking the halls of the Capitol.
Maybe this was their plan all along, to create such a state of civil unrest that the country just collapsed on itself. Killing Leslie would just be the final nail in the coffin, the real damage being done long before the pull of the trigger.
Leslie put her head in her hands and tried to calm the overwhelming wave of anxiety. Nothing short of uncovering the group’s plan would solve this, and that seemed more and more unlikely as the days progressed.
She had faith in Ben and everyone investigating the case, but that didn’t change facts. Whoever’s controlling everything is nothing short of a genius, and has been steps ahead of them from the very beginning.
She hated it, but there was absolutely nothing she could do. For the most powerful person in the country, she truly felt powerless.
Ben walked slowly into the room and she peered at him from between her fingers.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I guess your update with Andy didn’t go so well?”
She shook her head as Ben took a seat next to her. “No. Things are getting worse. They don’t know where I am or what’s happened to me and they’re scared. Well, some are scared, others want me to stay right where I am and never come back.”
Ben reached out and grabbed her hand, and she held onto it with everything she had.
“Riots are starting to happen all over the country,” she continued. “And there have been far too many reports of Eagletonian immigrants being victimized or their homes and businesses vandalized. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, either. I’m a spectator watching from miles away as my country either destroys itself or gets destroyed by a group of radicals.”
“Neither of those things will happen, Leslie.”
“They already are. We’re stuck here twiddling our thumbs and grasping at straws and useless clues while everything I’ve worked for--everything my father worked for-- goes up in flames. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Ben. I was supposed to lead us into a golden age of prosperity and rise as a world power. I was going to go down in history books as the greatest leader that Pawnee had ever seen. But now, no matter what I do or what happens, this will be how I’m remembered. It doesn’t matter what the facts are. I’ll be known as the leader that hid from everything like a coward.”
He didn’t answer her because they both knew she was right. Their country had become a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
“Tom’s been doing a lot to try to handle things,” Leslie continued. “He said that a few of our allies are willing to back us up with military support should it come to that.”
“That’s good, right?”
“I guess,” Leslie shrugged. “But it’s not like we’ll know in advance if or when we’d need it. I just hope it never comes to that. I mean, I’m at a loss at this point, too. We barely know who these people are. No one has been able to track them down in twenty years. We can’t just roll some troops into Eagleton and demand they give us information about a group that they may or may not be affiliated with.”
Ben nodded thoughtfully. “Well, we’re currently trying to see if we can work with the U.N. and pressure the Eagletonian government into giving us the information we need. They claim they don’t trust us having any kind of access to their records for national security reasons, so maybe having some kind of third party mediator will help.”
“Like Eagleton would ever agree to that,” Leslie snorted.
“They might. If not, we use more forceful tactics. Threaten when asking politely doesn’t work anymore.”
Leslie threw her hands in the air. “Great! Now I can add “warmonger” to my list of accomplishments. I hate Eagleton and everything they stand for, but how are we any better if we do this?”
“Leslie, whether their government knows who’s behind this or not, they are withholding vital information that can help us solve this case. They are purposely hindering the investigation of an assassination attempt.”
“I don’t want to go to war.”
“Neither do I, but this is how wars start. I know you hate it, but threatening them with war to get what we need to save your life is better than having to actually start one. The U.N. is on your side on this. We just need your okay to officially present everything and have them vote.”
She sighed. “Fine, but no threats of violence just yet. This will only be to petition the United Nations to make the recommendation that Eagleton supply us with the information that we need. If they don’t comply, then we’ll talk about what to do next.”
“Fair enough, but Leslie, you need to be prepared for the possibility that they won’t agree so easily. Our countries have hated one another for hundreds of years. A “recommendation” by the U.N. might not be enough.”
He spoke slowly, almost as if he was explaining this to a child instead of a grown woman who had spent most of her life immersed in politics.
“I know that, Ben. I’m not a naive idiot,” she snapped.
He reached forward and once again held onto her hands. “I know that. I know you know what you’re doing. I’m not suggesting any different. But I also know you, and I know that sometimes you have trouble making the tough decisions. No one wants a conflict with Eagleton, certainly not me. I’ve barely gotten a taste of what war is like, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if we find out that they are somehow involved and knowingly harboring terrorists hellbent on killing you and destroying everything that Pawnee stands for, you can be damn sure that I’ll be on the front lines. As far as I know, they declared war on us the second that sniper fired at you.”
She stared at their joined hands and bit her lip in thought. “No matter what, it will be my final option.”
“That’s reasonable.” He moved a hand under her chin and raised her face. “Let’s just hope Ron doesn’t dismantle the Pawnee military before then, right?” he said with a crooked smile. “Then we’ll be shit out of luck and I’d be unemployed.”
She gave a weak quirk of her lips. “Can’t have that. What will everyone think if I have a deadbeat for a boyfriend?”
“That you weren’t attracted to me because of my job, but something much more important--my devastatingly good looks.”
“Damn right.”
The two sat in a much more comfortable silence, Ben’s thumb tracing intricate patterns on the inside of her wrists as his smile slowly faded.
“We ok?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “This is just...a lot to deal with all at once. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, they do.”
“I know the feeling.”
She looked at him and cocked her head to the side, studying him. “You do, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question. He knew probably better than anyone. “How do you handle it?”
“Well, I wasn’t so good at it for a while, but then I just eventually learned to focus on other things, focus on solving the problem. It helped a little, but in the process it hardened me and made me impossible to deal with. Then someone very special showed me that the beautiful thing was that I didn’t have to handle it all on my own.”
He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “So, I’m going to tell her the same thing, that there are people around her who love her and are doing everything they can to help.”
Standing up, Ben extended his hand towards her, mimicking her actions from only a few days prior.
“What, is it my turn for a massage?”
“Something like that,” Ben shrugged. “It does involve a bed, you stripping naked, and possibly some oil.”
Leslie took his hand with a raised eyebrow and he led her to his bedroom.
It was so much better than a massage.
~~~~~
Wrapped in Ben’s arms beneath the thin, cotton sheet, Leslie watched as the moonlight trickled in from the window.The moon was bright and full, far too beautiful to be shining down on an earth that sometimes seemed so undeserving.
She never thought she’d see a circumstance that tested her like this one had. To question the inherent goodness in her fellow man was something that never happened. She wasn’t like Ben, whose suspicious and distrusting nature turned her off to him almost immediately. She grew to appreciate that about him but never fully understood it.
Until now, that is.
“You’re thinking bad and depressing thoughts,” the chest beneath her ear rumbled.
“How can you tell?”
“I just can.”
She waited for him to ask what was wrong or at least try to talk to her about it, but he didn’t.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory?” he asked instead and it took her by surprise.
“What?”
“You know, when you were a kid, what’s the greatest thing you remember happening to you?”
Leslie smiled, not even having to think. “That’s easy. The day my mom and dad got me Li’l Sebastian.”
“The pony?”
She raised her head from his chest to look him square in the eye. “He wasn’t a pony, Ben, he was a mini horse. Completely different. And he was a national treasure.”
Ben gave her a wry smile and nodded. “I remember that. He was everywhere. Wasn’t there a petition to have him be the on the face of some money or something.”
“Yes,” Leslie huffed, “and it would have happened too if there wasn’t already some stupid law about only dead leaders being allowed on any Pawnee currency.”
“Pity.” He didn’t sound all that convincing. “Anyway, tell me more about it. I honestly never fully understood the obsession with him.”
She gave him a stern look. “You realize that statement was close to treason.”
“I do, I do,” he said quickly. “Which is why I want you to tell me about him. About that day and your experiences with him. Maybe you’ll finally be able to open my eyes.”
She felt his arms squeeze her tighter as she took a deep breath and thought back to that day.
“It was my 10th birthday and my parents got him for me as a gift. We had horses, but this was the first one that was exclusively mine. I had no idea horses that small even existed, but when I saw him, I knew he was going to be one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me.
“Something that amazing and adorable couldn’t stay a secret for long, and before I knew it, he was a national sensation. He was practically the country mascot, going on tours both in and out of Pawnee. He was more well liked than any politician could ever dream of being. I was sometimes starstruck by him, and he was my horse.”
She sniffled and pressed her face into Ben’s side. “When he died, it was probably one of the worst days of my life. The whole nation was in mourning. I think that’s the only time I’ve ever seen Ron cry. He had been so special to me for twenty five years, and I still wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.”
Ben pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I remember seeing the Memorial Service on television. I didn’t expect so many people to have gone in person.”
She nodded. “Thousands came from all across Pawnee. Some even from outside of the country. I try to visit his memorial statue whenever I can.”
“You know why I think he was so special?”
“Because he was a perfect mini horse?”
“Yeah, that,” he chuckled, “but there’s more. He was a symbol that united a nation. To you, he was your beloved pet, but to thousands upon thousands, he was an icon. Everybody saw him as something they could get behind and support. I might not have “gotten” it at the time, but his memorial service was amazing. I never would have guessed so many people cared, that so many people mourned him because of who he was and what he meant to them.
“In your eulogy, you said that he saw the good in everyone and everything. I think that’s what made him so special. Why he had the impact that he did. People believed that, and maybe that made them see the good in themselves too.”
“How do you do it?” Leslie asked after a brief pause. “How do you always seem to know what I’m thinking and then say exactly what I need to hear.”
He reached over and swept some invisible hairs away from her face. “I get into peoples’ heads. It’s what I’m good at. Plus, I know you. I know you’re beating yourself up and getting frustrated and losing your faith in humanity. I don’t want that to happen to you. I hate that it happened to me, and I am slowly learning to gain that trust back. Take it from someone who has been on the other side. It’s not fun assuming the worst of people. That’s what drew me to you. You were so different from me.
“At first, I thought you were just naive, but you aren’t. You don’t always see people and circumstances as they are, but what they have the potential to be, and that’s what makes you a good leader. That’s what you and Li’l Sebastian have in common, and just like with him, when push comes to shove, your people will rally behind you.”
More than anything else, she wanted him to be right, wanted to believe what he said was true. She didn’t feel like the same person that said those words at the funeral and wasn’t sure if she’d ever be again. That thought terrified her instead of comforted her.
“I wish we could be certain. I just hope that we won’t have to wait until my memorial service to find out.”
“We won’t, you’ll see.”
She might not have faith in herself at the moment, but it was okay. Ben had enough for the both of them.