~History repeats itself, somehow getting worse each time
I guess I should make an entry about what's happened? I don't really know what I can say that a ton of people are already saying everywhere. There's a pall over everything and everyone in real life or online. I'm angry and frustrated, despairing and hopeless and helpless, I feel sick and have a headache and food is like ash in my mouth. The only thing that makes the catastrophizing stop is forcing something else into my head, like TF2 or Larrykabu or Pokemon or just anything that lets me forget for a second. I want to wake up in a different timeline, I want to rewind time, what else is there to say? Everywhere I look it's doomposting. Going anywhere or reading anything makes me physically nauseous. I ended up setting up a list on twitter of just Japanese larrykabu fanartists so I could look at something that might make me smile at least for a second.
Last time he was elected, I was able to find some kind of comfort in thinking it couldn't be as bad as I imagined, I could believe in the exhortations to not lose hope or keep fighting or keep your head up or all that. All of it seems like empty platitudes now. Maybe I'm too old to keep that kind of hope anymore. The future looks incredibly bleak. I'll keep going as I always keep going. I guess I haven't lost all ability to hope because I keep hoping for some kind of miracle, some hail mary. I'm sure he committed election fraud. I'm positive of it, we literally have proof of him doing it before. We know he does that. He did it this time. I don't think it'd do anything if we did find out, but I guess I'd find some comfort in knowing. There won't be consequences. Not for anything. There's no justice. Nothing changes until it breaks, and who knows what'll happen then.
This is just more doomerism really. I'm not really helping anything with this. I guess I'm hoping that maybe getting it out will help a little but mostly it makes me feel more dead inside. I have to hold onto the things that I can, whatever can get me out of here for a few seconds. I know that. I know that. These in-between moments when it's just everywhere surrounding me are difficult. Last time was an insane ride, I was hoping something like that would happen again. I hate this. I hate all of this so much. I hate what's going to happen to so many people because of this.
Just more and more of the same. I'm trying to think of anything unrelated. I think my Larrykabu site is cute. I did a little sprite and made a button for it finally.
I want to have them hug or kiss or something like that, I don't know. Something fluffy. Right now I kind of hate everything I'm drawing, it feels like it all sucks and looks bad and it should look better, after all this time it should look a lot better. Lazy, off-model, weird looking, off-putting. I know it's just a reflection of my mindset right now and the anxiety leading up to this conclusion. Given the circumstances I don't know when that'll change. I don't intend to stop though. I have to keep drawing. I have to keep making things. It's kept me sane through so many things. It kept me sane the first time. It's the golden rope that showed up in that Handplates page. I have to keep doing it. Even if it sucks and no one likes it, even if it's just for me. I have to, I have to keep doing it. I have to hold onto what ideas I have and make them real, otherwise it's just huddling in the dark thinking about the end of the world.
I have to write something positive so this isn't just a huge downer. I managed to finish all my Halloween contracts in TF2 right at the very last moment. I didn't get the Hunter head but I did get the Princess outfit for Heavy which is cute, and the zombie skins for Soldier, Heavy, and Sniper. I like the items that give you more voice lines.
I'm playing the Indigo Disk DLC in Pokemon. I'm looking forward to seeing Larry again. Maybe get some shots of dialogue of his I can use for something. I have some ideas for fics. Maybe I can sit down and write something. I don't know. It's hard to start anything right now. This song keeps getting stuck in my head.
dw post
Last time he was elected, I was able to find some kind of comfort in thinking it couldn't be as bad as I imagined, I could believe in the exhortations to not lose hope or keep fighting or keep your head up or all that. All of it seems like empty platitudes now. Maybe I'm too old to keep that kind of hope anymore. The future looks incredibly bleak. I'll keep going as I always keep going. I guess I haven't lost all ability to hope because I keep hoping for some kind of miracle, some hail mary. I'm sure he committed election fraud. I'm positive of it, we literally have proof of him doing it before. We know he does that. He did it this time. I don't think it'd do anything if we did find out, but I guess I'd find some comfort in knowing. There won't be consequences. Not for anything. There's no justice. Nothing changes until it breaks, and who knows what'll happen then.
This is just more doomerism really. I'm not really helping anything with this. I guess I'm hoping that maybe getting it out will help a little but mostly it makes me feel more dead inside. I have to hold onto the things that I can, whatever can get me out of here for a few seconds. I know that. I know that. These in-between moments when it's just everywhere surrounding me are difficult. Last time was an insane ride, I was hoping something like that would happen again. I hate this. I hate all of this so much. I hate what's going to happen to so many people because of this.
Just more and more of the same. I'm trying to think of anything unrelated. I think my Larrykabu site is cute. I did a little sprite and made a button for it finally.
I want to have them hug or kiss or something like that, I don't know. Something fluffy. Right now I kind of hate everything I'm drawing, it feels like it all sucks and looks bad and it should look better, after all this time it should look a lot better. Lazy, off-model, weird looking, off-putting. I know it's just a reflection of my mindset right now and the anxiety leading up to this conclusion. Given the circumstances I don't know when that'll change. I don't intend to stop though. I have to keep drawing. I have to keep making things. It's kept me sane through so many things. It kept me sane the first time. It's the golden rope that showed up in that Handplates page. I have to keep doing it. Even if it sucks and no one likes it, even if it's just for me. I have to, I have to keep doing it. I have to hold onto what ideas I have and make them real, otherwise it's just huddling in the dark thinking about the end of the world.
I have to write something positive so this isn't just a huge downer. I managed to finish all my Halloween contracts in TF2 right at the very last moment. I didn't get the Hunter head but I did get the Princess outfit for Heavy which is cute, and the zombie skins for Soldier, Heavy, and Sniper. I like the items that give you more voice lines.
I'm playing the Indigo Disk DLC in Pokemon. I'm looking forward to seeing Larry again. Maybe get some shots of dialogue of his I can use for something. I have some ideas for fics. Maybe I can sit down and write something. I don't know. It's hard to start anything right now. This song keeps getting stuck in my head.
Click to viewdw post