~"I don't know how I got back, but I know why." "It wasn't for revenge, was it?"
AGH I've been neglecting writing entries againn. I'm spread across a lot of different social media accounts nowadays, it gets hard to remember the one that doesn't have in-site image hosting, haha. That'd make it a lot easier to just toss an image up here.
Anyway, the last couple weeks have been... strange, let's say? I was having some real struggles with feeling emotions for a while, which coincided with a sort of creative block, where whenever I tried to think of an idea, or play out a scenario in my head, or just do the thing I've done like my whole life, my thoughts would just scatter like random sheep and I couldn't focus. That's really unusual and I did not care for that feeling at all. :/ I was stuck on a Handplates script for a while because I just couldn't get the conversation to play out to my satisfaction, but I finally made some headway on that and was able to move past it, and I think that helped jostle the creative clog, as it were, so things seem to be going back to normal on that front, at least. Emotionally, it's still a bit touch and go. It's better than it was, I think. Sometimes there are little bright flashes of emotion that feel normal, like sadness at that Alex Trebek thing recently, or happiness at a pop music mash-up for the decade, but they're pretty short lived. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I don't really know what feeling an emotion is...? Like maybe I have this weird internalized vision of feeling an emotion from popular media that doesn't actually reflect the reality of emotions, and I'm actually feeling emotions totally normally. I DUNNO. It's a weird feeling to want to feel something and just, not feel anything.
I have been trying this mindfulness app before I go to bed, I've been told to do more mindfulness exercises to try and stop detaching, but it's easier to do with an actual schedule and some guidance which the app can do. The non-emotional thing goes hand in hand with a sort of depersonalization feeling where it can get hard to feel parts of my body? Or feel like they're attached to me, so the mindfulness thing is helping with that, I think. It's just basically some loosely guided meditation, but it is kind of relaxing. I'm not sure if it's really helping me feel super connected to my body, exactly... although on the other hand, it does feel like things are improving since I've started it, though correlation isn't causation, but might as well keep going with it, you know? I don't mind it at all, even if it's hard to not let my mind wander.
I think maybe sometimes I'm a bit too good at compartmentalizing things, if that makes sense. Can you be too good at that? Hmm.
Oh, let's see... in other news, my foot has healed but I still get consistent pain while I'm walking, so I ended up getting some orthotics made which my insurance decided not to cover. :/ So that was a chunk of change, but in the long run being able to walk without pain is probably important... the doctor said that EVENTUALLY I'll probably have to get surgery to take care of the bunion on my big toe bone, but for now, at least orthotics will make it a bit easier to walk.
I also noticed an odd red spot on the top of my head, sort of like eczema or something like that? Well, I didn't notice it, Moro did, but still. I remember my brother pointing out something similar on top of my head once a long time ago, and I got nervous it might be something serious, so I went to a dermatologist to get it checked out. They just used a straight razor blade to cut it right out! It didn't hurt or anything, but now I just have to be careful cause you can't really put a bandage on a wound on your scalp. I haven't heard back from them on what it is though... I'm sure it's nothing, but it's better to get these things checked out early, really.
Still having really vivid dreams, it gets really disorienting. My brain is clever enough now to figure out that if I know I'm in a dream, I'll wake up, so it'll go to great lengths to convince me I'm not in a dream. Like several times lately I'll have moments in the dream where I'll think, quite confidently, that this can't be a dream.
Although then again, last night I remember talking to a group of people and saying "well, this is just a dream anyway so it doesn't matter" and they all went "what? :o" so I guess it's not super consistent.
Nana still shows up in them almost every night.
In less personal news, Sword and Shield is out! I have no opinion on it since I'm going to play it with Alex when he gets the time sometime this December, so I'm trying to avoid all the spoilers I can until then. I got a new hard drive to replace the old dying one in my computer with lots of space which is very nice! And also quite fast. I should really get a bigger SSD drive for the main one, but I'm not sure how to transfer the data from that one to another drive when it's the drive with the OS... eh, not a huge concern right now. I might get some more RAM if my computer keeps having little issues, but the new hard drive has smoothed a lot out so far. One of my externals is also not in great shape, but those are a lot easier to replace.
Moving data around took a bit of time, so while I picked up Death Stranding, I haven't had a chance to play it yet. I did play a bit of Luigi's Mansion 3 with Robyn and it was ADORABLE. River City Girls was also really fun!
I'M SO EXCITED FOR STEVEN UNIVERSE FUTURE
Handplates is gonna hit its fourth anniversary on the 25th... I actually do have something planned out this time for it, which is a relief, haha. I wonder if I'll have the story done by the fifth anniversary...? This story is so long aaaaa
Just lots of little things piling up...
I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
Anyway, the last couple weeks have been... strange, let's say? I was having some real struggles with feeling emotions for a while, which coincided with a sort of creative block, where whenever I tried to think of an idea, or play out a scenario in my head, or just do the thing I've done like my whole life, my thoughts would just scatter like random sheep and I couldn't focus. That's really unusual and I did not care for that feeling at all. :/ I was stuck on a Handplates script for a while because I just couldn't get the conversation to play out to my satisfaction, but I finally made some headway on that and was able to move past it, and I think that helped jostle the creative clog, as it were, so things seem to be going back to normal on that front, at least. Emotionally, it's still a bit touch and go. It's better than it was, I think. Sometimes there are little bright flashes of emotion that feel normal, like sadness at that Alex Trebek thing recently, or happiness at a pop music mash-up for the decade, but they're pretty short lived. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I don't really know what feeling an emotion is...? Like maybe I have this weird internalized vision of feeling an emotion from popular media that doesn't actually reflect the reality of emotions, and I'm actually feeling emotions totally normally. I DUNNO. It's a weird feeling to want to feel something and just, not feel anything.
I have been trying this mindfulness app before I go to bed, I've been told to do more mindfulness exercises to try and stop detaching, but it's easier to do with an actual schedule and some guidance which the app can do. The non-emotional thing goes hand in hand with a sort of depersonalization feeling where it can get hard to feel parts of my body? Or feel like they're attached to me, so the mindfulness thing is helping with that, I think. It's just basically some loosely guided meditation, but it is kind of relaxing. I'm not sure if it's really helping me feel super connected to my body, exactly... although on the other hand, it does feel like things are improving since I've started it, though correlation isn't causation, but might as well keep going with it, you know? I don't mind it at all, even if it's hard to not let my mind wander.
I think maybe sometimes I'm a bit too good at compartmentalizing things, if that makes sense. Can you be too good at that? Hmm.
Oh, let's see... in other news, my foot has healed but I still get consistent pain while I'm walking, so I ended up getting some orthotics made which my insurance decided not to cover. :/ So that was a chunk of change, but in the long run being able to walk without pain is probably important... the doctor said that EVENTUALLY I'll probably have to get surgery to take care of the bunion on my big toe bone, but for now, at least orthotics will make it a bit easier to walk.
I also noticed an odd red spot on the top of my head, sort of like eczema or something like that? Well, I didn't notice it, Moro did, but still. I remember my brother pointing out something similar on top of my head once a long time ago, and I got nervous it might be something serious, so I went to a dermatologist to get it checked out. They just used a straight razor blade to cut it right out! It didn't hurt or anything, but now I just have to be careful cause you can't really put a bandage on a wound on your scalp. I haven't heard back from them on what it is though... I'm sure it's nothing, but it's better to get these things checked out early, really.
Still having really vivid dreams, it gets really disorienting. My brain is clever enough now to figure out that if I know I'm in a dream, I'll wake up, so it'll go to great lengths to convince me I'm not in a dream. Like several times lately I'll have moments in the dream where I'll think, quite confidently, that this can't be a dream.
Although then again, last night I remember talking to a group of people and saying "well, this is just a dream anyway so it doesn't matter" and they all went "what? :o" so I guess it's not super consistent.
Nana still shows up in them almost every night.
In less personal news, Sword and Shield is out! I have no opinion on it since I'm going to play it with Alex when he gets the time sometime this December, so I'm trying to avoid all the spoilers I can until then. I got a new hard drive to replace the old dying one in my computer with lots of space which is very nice! And also quite fast. I should really get a bigger SSD drive for the main one, but I'm not sure how to transfer the data from that one to another drive when it's the drive with the OS... eh, not a huge concern right now. I might get some more RAM if my computer keeps having little issues, but the new hard drive has smoothed a lot out so far. One of my externals is also not in great shape, but those are a lot easier to replace.
Moving data around took a bit of time, so while I picked up Death Stranding, I haven't had a chance to play it yet. I did play a bit of Luigi's Mansion 3 with Robyn and it was ADORABLE. River City Girls was also really fun!
I'M SO EXCITED FOR STEVEN UNIVERSE FUTURE
Handplates is gonna hit its fourth anniversary on the 25th... I actually do have something planned out this time for it, which is a relief, haha. I wonder if I'll have the story done by the fifth anniversary...? This story is so long aaaaa
Just lots of little things piling up...
I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!