~Are you looking up into this wide blue sky?
Woke up from three nightmares/bouts of sleep paralysis over the past ten or so days. I'm hoping this isn't going to be a continuing trend. I usually gasp myself awake out of them, but the last one I can remember trying to call out "help" but I couldn't quite get it out all the way. It was hard to get back to sleep after that one.
It might be because the anniversary is coming up soon. It's sort of hard to describe. It doesn't really feel like time has passed most of the time. It still feels like she just died, or that she didn't even die and she's still alive somewhere, or I'll find her any day or minute, or hear her voice again. When I look back on the last year it's all an indistinct blur of pain. I can barely remember anything that happened. Lately I've been having a lot of moodswings which I'm not super surprised about, considering. I'm expecting they'll probably get worse for a while. Sometimes it's like I don't feel enough, and other times it just hurts so much. Sometimes it's really sudden, like I'll just be doing something or I'll see or hear something or a thought will occur to me and there'll be just this sudden surge of breathtaking agony. Sometimes I relive the night she died in my head without feeling much about it, but I think about movies we watched together and I just want to collapse. Other times I relive the night she died and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. It's not consistent, I guess.
She's still in my dreams constantly, not every dream now but still in like 80% of them. She's been showing up more actively lately though. A lot of the time in dreams she's in a weird dead/not-dead state, where she's alive and we're doing stuff but I know somewhere she's dead, but she's not dead, and maybe it's fine and she's actually alive in the end? It's a weird limbo kind of dream state. In one of the dreams lately there was some nonsense or other but she was there, and she said a long sentence and for some reason it was really significant to hear her voice and hear her talk again. I still have some voicemails she left on my phone if I wanted to hear her voice. But it just felt like I hadn't heard her in a long time. Which I guess technically is true.
I don't really know what to do about it all. This time of year is hard. It's been hard for a long time, thinking about it. I meant to write a more content based post today but I figured I should probably put this in a separate entry.
I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
It might be because the anniversary is coming up soon. It's sort of hard to describe. It doesn't really feel like time has passed most of the time. It still feels like she just died, or that she didn't even die and she's still alive somewhere, or I'll find her any day or minute, or hear her voice again. When I look back on the last year it's all an indistinct blur of pain. I can barely remember anything that happened. Lately I've been having a lot of moodswings which I'm not super surprised about, considering. I'm expecting they'll probably get worse for a while. Sometimes it's like I don't feel enough, and other times it just hurts so much. Sometimes it's really sudden, like I'll just be doing something or I'll see or hear something or a thought will occur to me and there'll be just this sudden surge of breathtaking agony. Sometimes I relive the night she died in my head without feeling much about it, but I think about movies we watched together and I just want to collapse. Other times I relive the night she died and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. It's not consistent, I guess.
She's still in my dreams constantly, not every dream now but still in like 80% of them. She's been showing up more actively lately though. A lot of the time in dreams she's in a weird dead/not-dead state, where she's alive and we're doing stuff but I know somewhere she's dead, but she's not dead, and maybe it's fine and she's actually alive in the end? It's a weird limbo kind of dream state. In one of the dreams lately there was some nonsense or other but she was there, and she said a long sentence and for some reason it was really significant to hear her voice and hear her talk again. I still have some voicemails she left on my phone if I wanted to hear her voice. But it just felt like I hadn't heard her in a long time. Which I guess technically is true.
I don't really know what to do about it all. This time of year is hard. It's been hard for a long time, thinking about it. I meant to write a more content based post today but I figured I should probably put this in a separate entry.
I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!