~Can you not breathe directly into my mouth
Ultramega Ok! recordings! First one
彩音 ~xi-on~ - Touhou - Native Faith
Ace Waters ft. RockTheJake - Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds - Lorule Overworld
RichaadEB ft. Tsuko G & Eruption - Undertale - EXCEPTION
insaneintherain - Undertale - Megalovania (Jazz Cover)
Ace Waters - Undertale - Esoteric
SixteeninMono - Undertale - Core (Metalcore Remix)
And second one!
DJ Achromatic - Pokemon Diamond/Pearl - Game Corner
WillRock - Megaman 2 - Mechanical Flare
Dinnick the 3rd - Undertale - Waterfall
RichaadEB - Undertale - Arachnophilia
RichaadEB - Undertale - Wratch and Cowardice
Ace Waters ft. RichaadEB - Undertale - Penultimate
DM DOKURO - Undertale - Dino Dork
OMNI - Undertale - Dogsong
I really need to queue up some new stuff but even that feels so tiring lately.
I should be updating here more but whenever I'd try to organize recent events in my head into some kind of post, it'd send me into an introspective downward spiral so I'd end up putting it off. That and it just seems tiring. I'm always tired (according to my sleep app, I've apparently been alternating between 5 hours and 12 hours of sleep a night for the past week) but lately it's not just a physical tiredness, but a mental and emotional one as well. Things that would have bothered me before barely even seem to register, situations that would have stressed me out or made me upset or seemed so important it's just like, shrug. I don't know if nothing seems worth feeling about or if at this point I'm just so worn out from it all that it's some kind of act of self-preservation. I mean, it does make things easier day to day I guess. That's all it really is, getting from one day to the next.
Recent events, recent events... I went with Mom to my grandparents condo to look through their stuff for things I might want to keep. This is the kind of thing that feels like it should have been emotionally charged but I didn't really feel much of anything throughout. I don't know if I'd even say it was a numbness, really. It was just a kind of distance from it that's hard to describe. Heh, the artificial flower's sense of distance.
Anyway, I didn't find very much... just little things. Grandma had a bunch of skeins of yarn, and some half-finished projects on her knitting needles, which was a melancholy image. I ended up taking some of the skeins of yarn even though I don't know how to knit just because I like yarn, and the colors were nice. I can directly blame Vargas for this yarn thing I have but whatever. I also went through and tried to find some headscarves for Nana, since she was always talking about how she loved this one Grandma gave her. I did find some of those.
Mom was looking for pictures, so I sat down for a while and sifted through some boxes they had under the TV. I found a lot of pictures of people I didn't know, and Christmas cards and letters and such from friends of theirs. I gave them to Mom to look through, but she didn't want to read them since they were about people she didn't know or care about, as she put it, so why bother. So I guess they're going to be thrown away. It makes me feel kind of bad for these people. I don't know them either, but I read through a lot of the letters and such, and news about their families, and the questions they asked my grandparents about how their "Hollywood" kids were doing, and things like that. It just seems sad to me that these relationships they had and this affection they shared, these connections are just gone, just like that. Letters sent with love and interest just thrown into the trash, just strangers now without my grandparents to know them. I don't know, it was a strange feeling to sit there and read these things and think about how temporary it all is. All these tenuous connections we make to each other on Earth, all the thousands of relationships we each build, all the tiny details of our lives that no one ever completely knows. These tiny webs we build from one person to the other that get swept away when we die. So many people have died, and so many of these webs have vanished with time. Someday someone's going to go through my cabinet, with all the letters and pictures and gifts people have given me, and it's not going to mean anything to them, either. Maybe they'll throw them away. What did it all come to? I don't know. It was a weird state of mind. I sort of wanted to keep the cards and letters, even though I didn't know these people, just cause I felt bad thinking of all these sentiments just being thrown away. But what use do I really have for them? I don't know them either, really. It just seems sad to throw away evidence that someone cared for someone else, even if you don't know them. But I forgot to take them with me when we left.
I did find some pictures, and I found a travelogue that my grandma's friend wrote back when they were young girls, typewritten on this old paper with all these old photos with grandma and her friends. Mom was excited I found that one, and I'm glad I found it too. It was in pretty good shape, considering how old it was. I'd hate to think that it could have gotten thrown away by accident.
My grandparents had a lot of little pretty things in their place. One of the ones I liked was this blue glass vase with a stopper, so it was one of the few things I decided to take. Of course I promptly dropped it and broke it literally in the garage when I got home, which seems par for the course for my life at this point. On the other hand, the break seems pretty clean for the neck, so maybe I can superglue it back together. There's a crack down the side though so it's never going to be able to pour stuff without leaking. But then again I probably wasn't going to actually use it for anything. It was more of a decorative thing.
I didn't even look in some of the other rooms, so I'm going to have to go back eventually so I can look through things more carefully. It all feels so strange.
The other night me and Nana were coming back from getting some food, and she went to move the garbage cans around, so I waited in the garage for her to come back. While she was walking back, I saw her looking up at the sky, and she waved at something. She saw me watching, and she said that she liked thinking that her mom was in the moon watching over her, so she always waves to her.
Like most things lately I didn't really know what to say. It's like the social part of my brain in real life has just shut down, or is stuck on the barest minimum required to get through whatever conversation is happening. It's hard to make an effort.
I found out on Friday that Aunt Joyce has leukemia. I don't know if it's really sunk in yet. She's not keeping it a secret or anything, so everyone knows. Today, me and Nana went in for the second round of chemo, and it turned out Joyce was getting blood drawn at the same hospital. What are the odds, right? So we chatted for a bit, and Beez and Uncle John were there too, so I got to talk to them. It's weird, they had all this info and these appointments for the early stages of this whole thing, and it's all familiar to me now. All the lab reports, the formatting, it's all the same. I wasn't expecting to see them there and I don't think they were either, but they seemed happy to see us and catch up a little bit. Understandably it's not a place where you want to run into people you know unexpectedly.
I feel like I should have some kind of advice or understanding that'd make it easier but I don't really. I don't know if I've really learned anything from any of this. All I do is go one day at a time, and try not to let myself get sucked into a death spiral of bad thoughts. Whatever gets me through the day. It feels like it's all I can manage at this point.
I used to update a lot more frequently, and with more content and such, but it just feels so hard lately.
I recently picked up Ace Water's Duality album, which I'm enjoying a lot. I particularly liked Arbutus Menziesii.
I've also been playing a lot of Stardew Valley. It almost perfectly hits the same spot in my brain that the old SNES Harvest Moon hit, but with even more things to do and discover. It's super addictive, I'm really enjoying it.
That's all I can think of right now.
I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
彩音 ~xi-on~ - Touhou - Native Faith
Ace Waters ft. RockTheJake - Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds - Lorule Overworld
RichaadEB ft. Tsuko G & Eruption - Undertale - EXCEPTION
insaneintherain - Undertale - Megalovania (Jazz Cover)
Ace Waters - Undertale - Esoteric
SixteeninMono - Undertale - Core (Metalcore Remix)
And second one!
DJ Achromatic - Pokemon Diamond/Pearl - Game Corner
WillRock - Megaman 2 - Mechanical Flare
Dinnick the 3rd - Undertale - Waterfall
RichaadEB - Undertale - Arachnophilia
RichaadEB - Undertale - Wratch and Cowardice
Ace Waters ft. RichaadEB - Undertale - Penultimate
DM DOKURO - Undertale - Dino Dork
OMNI - Undertale - Dogsong
I really need to queue up some new stuff but even that feels so tiring lately.
I should be updating here more but whenever I'd try to organize recent events in my head into some kind of post, it'd send me into an introspective downward spiral so I'd end up putting it off. That and it just seems tiring. I'm always tired (according to my sleep app, I've apparently been alternating between 5 hours and 12 hours of sleep a night for the past week) but lately it's not just a physical tiredness, but a mental and emotional one as well. Things that would have bothered me before barely even seem to register, situations that would have stressed me out or made me upset or seemed so important it's just like, shrug. I don't know if nothing seems worth feeling about or if at this point I'm just so worn out from it all that it's some kind of act of self-preservation. I mean, it does make things easier day to day I guess. That's all it really is, getting from one day to the next.
Recent events, recent events... I went with Mom to my grandparents condo to look through their stuff for things I might want to keep. This is the kind of thing that feels like it should have been emotionally charged but I didn't really feel much of anything throughout. I don't know if I'd even say it was a numbness, really. It was just a kind of distance from it that's hard to describe. Heh, the artificial flower's sense of distance.
Anyway, I didn't find very much... just little things. Grandma had a bunch of skeins of yarn, and some half-finished projects on her knitting needles, which was a melancholy image. I ended up taking some of the skeins of yarn even though I don't know how to knit just because I like yarn, and the colors were nice. I can directly blame Vargas for this yarn thing I have but whatever. I also went through and tried to find some headscarves for Nana, since she was always talking about how she loved this one Grandma gave her. I did find some of those.
Mom was looking for pictures, so I sat down for a while and sifted through some boxes they had under the TV. I found a lot of pictures of people I didn't know, and Christmas cards and letters and such from friends of theirs. I gave them to Mom to look through, but she didn't want to read them since they were about people she didn't know or care about, as she put it, so why bother. So I guess they're going to be thrown away. It makes me feel kind of bad for these people. I don't know them either, but I read through a lot of the letters and such, and news about their families, and the questions they asked my grandparents about how their "Hollywood" kids were doing, and things like that. It just seems sad to me that these relationships they had and this affection they shared, these connections are just gone, just like that. Letters sent with love and interest just thrown into the trash, just strangers now without my grandparents to know them. I don't know, it was a strange feeling to sit there and read these things and think about how temporary it all is. All these tenuous connections we make to each other on Earth, all the thousands of relationships we each build, all the tiny details of our lives that no one ever completely knows. These tiny webs we build from one person to the other that get swept away when we die. So many people have died, and so many of these webs have vanished with time. Someday someone's going to go through my cabinet, with all the letters and pictures and gifts people have given me, and it's not going to mean anything to them, either. Maybe they'll throw them away. What did it all come to? I don't know. It was a weird state of mind. I sort of wanted to keep the cards and letters, even though I didn't know these people, just cause I felt bad thinking of all these sentiments just being thrown away. But what use do I really have for them? I don't know them either, really. It just seems sad to throw away evidence that someone cared for someone else, even if you don't know them. But I forgot to take them with me when we left.
I did find some pictures, and I found a travelogue that my grandma's friend wrote back when they were young girls, typewritten on this old paper with all these old photos with grandma and her friends. Mom was excited I found that one, and I'm glad I found it too. It was in pretty good shape, considering how old it was. I'd hate to think that it could have gotten thrown away by accident.
My grandparents had a lot of little pretty things in their place. One of the ones I liked was this blue glass vase with a stopper, so it was one of the few things I decided to take. Of course I promptly dropped it and broke it literally in the garage when I got home, which seems par for the course for my life at this point. On the other hand, the break seems pretty clean for the neck, so maybe I can superglue it back together. There's a crack down the side though so it's never going to be able to pour stuff without leaking. But then again I probably wasn't going to actually use it for anything. It was more of a decorative thing.
I didn't even look in some of the other rooms, so I'm going to have to go back eventually so I can look through things more carefully. It all feels so strange.
The other night me and Nana were coming back from getting some food, and she went to move the garbage cans around, so I waited in the garage for her to come back. While she was walking back, I saw her looking up at the sky, and she waved at something. She saw me watching, and she said that she liked thinking that her mom was in the moon watching over her, so she always waves to her.
Like most things lately I didn't really know what to say. It's like the social part of my brain in real life has just shut down, or is stuck on the barest minimum required to get through whatever conversation is happening. It's hard to make an effort.
I found out on Friday that Aunt Joyce has leukemia. I don't know if it's really sunk in yet. She's not keeping it a secret or anything, so everyone knows. Today, me and Nana went in for the second round of chemo, and it turned out Joyce was getting blood drawn at the same hospital. What are the odds, right? So we chatted for a bit, and Beez and Uncle John were there too, so I got to talk to them. It's weird, they had all this info and these appointments for the early stages of this whole thing, and it's all familiar to me now. All the lab reports, the formatting, it's all the same. I wasn't expecting to see them there and I don't think they were either, but they seemed happy to see us and catch up a little bit. Understandably it's not a place where you want to run into people you know unexpectedly.
I feel like I should have some kind of advice or understanding that'd make it easier but I don't really. I don't know if I've really learned anything from any of this. All I do is go one day at a time, and try not to let myself get sucked into a death spiral of bad thoughts. Whatever gets me through the day. It feels like it's all I can manage at this point.
I used to update a lot more frequently, and with more content and such, but it just feels so hard lately.
I recently picked up Ace Water's Duality album, which I'm enjoying a lot. I particularly liked Arbutus Menziesii.
I've also been playing a lot of Stardew Valley. It almost perfectly hits the same spot in my brain that the old SNES Harvest Moon hit, but with even more things to do and discover. It's super addictive, I'm really enjoying it.
That's all I can think of right now.
I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!