~He looks as though he's been afflicted with homosexuality

[zarla]

firefly99 asked me to do one of these and I haven't done one in a while SO WHY NOT

Anyway if you're new to the party I take great pleasure in collecting out of context quotes from fic that make me laugh. Some of them are from fic I like, some of them are just mindboggling, and some of them will make you question the existence of loving God. BUT I COLLECT THEM ALL whenever I come across one in my travels along the internet I save it in a text file. IT'S SORT OF BECOME A HOBBY. I've been doing it for quite some time actually.

There may be repeats but get over it these aren't exactly carefully organized

I must stress with all my might that these are NOT SAFE FOR WORK

NOT SAFE FOR WORK
NOT SAFE FOR WORK

There can be some pretty horrifying stuff in here so PLEASE ENTER WITH CAUTION OKAY

I'M WARNING YOU

Oh right, one last thing
Anything in italics is a comment by another person.
Anything in italics and marked with a ~ is a comment by me.


Summary: Roman General Stephanus Colbertus saves Jonathan the Jew from certain death in the Colosseum.

Warnings: Violence, drug use, child abuse, shameless fluff

Disclaimer: DON'T OWN!!!!
A/N: I'm doing this is in script format because that's easier. If you don't like that, well tough cookies!
The story is that Kagome and Inuyasha are fighting again because he was rude to her, and he yelled at her. I don't know why they're fighting but they just are, okay? XDDD
Kagome: That's it, Inuyasha! I've had it with you and your attitude! You can't treat me like this anymore! I'M LEAVING FOR GOOD!!!
Inuyasha: Fine you leave, and just see if I care! I don't need you for anything and nobody here likes you!
So Kagome stomps off but she gets kidnapped by this monster thing, it's like a big bird, it comes out of the sky and grabs her and takes her to the nest.
Kagome: Aaaaaaaaaah!
Will Inuyasha save her in time? Will they forgive each other? R&R TO FIND OUT!!!! NOT UPDATING UNTIL I HAVE AT LEAST 15 REVIEWS!!!!

Jeremy just ignored him this time, his thrusts getting faster. he moaned, "Ugh...uh...you're so tight," he said, oozing pride, "And now I have you all to myself. The Virgin...ahhhh...The Virgin Joey..." he felt climax upon him, but he held out a few moments longer, picking up pace.
The tighter the berry, the sweeter the gift.

But he doesn't let you enjoy your total domination of him for long. "This isn't me, you're fucking, is it?" He's breathing against your neck. "Its him. You've always wanted to slam him against a wall and do this. But no, he's too delicate. He might break. That's why you need me. You need me so you can fulfill your fantasies."
"And if you ever want me to do it again you'll shut your filthy, fucking mouth," you grumble.
"Who says I would want that." Rahm's eyes are twinkling mischievously.
~Yes, Rahm Emanuel.

Plot: The war is over and the good guys won. Harry ends up with Draco as his slave. He treats him horribly, and some scenes are non-con in nature. Harry believes Draco has no say in anything because Harry owns him and uses him accordingly. Over time, Harry forgets he treated Draco so terribly and they fall in love. Then one day, Draco brings up the fact that their relationship began darkly and shows Harry the non-con relationship they started out with. Harry feels sick over the way he treated Draco but in the end, Draco shows him that he still remembered and he's forgiven Harry.

“Why didn’t you free me before? Last fall? Last Christmas? After the Prophet article?”
Harry looked like a deer caught in the headlights. It was not the question he had been expecting.
“Why, Harry? Answer me.”
“I can’t.”
“Coward.”
“Fuck you! The last thing I am is a coward.”
“Then answer the fucking question.”
“I didn’t want you to leave!” yelled Harry and buried his face in his hands. His body convulsed with heavy sobs.

Draco closed his eyes as he whispered, “You want to rape me.”
“But how can I rape you? You belong to me, Draco. Rape implies taking someone against their will, but you have no free will. My will is your will.”

Warning: Mpreg, male one male relationship and confused rape. M for sure possibly NC 17
Summary: what if everything in your life changed because of one small mishap and of course the Weasley Twins are to blame.
[...]
I reach back for his wand trying to pry it from his fingers. He looks at my hand over his and then anger charges through his eyes. He raises his wand and whispers something. My anus feels stretched now, slick and wet. Tears pool behind my eyes, he’s really going to do this. The guy I’ve always wanted, the one person I obsess over, sex god of Slytherin, is going to, rape me.
~Don't really see a lot of confusion there.

He sucked and when he licked underneath all the foreskin he got his first taste of smegma. It tasted like limberg cheese mixed with his sweet boy cream. Yes he had tasted his cream from time to time.

“Hermione, you’re going to have to face facts. Draco is my slave and more specifically my cook. Actually, I think he likes it.”
“Likes being your slave?” she asked in disbelief.
“No, cooking. I think he likes cooking,” Harry said, looking smug.

Pomfrey nodded. “My scans show that you are a hermaphrodite, Harry. Did you know?”
Harry shook his head. “I don’t have any female bits.”
“Inside you do. Inside you have all the reproductive organs of a female.” She cleared her throat. “Your cervix, the opening that leads to your womb, is attached to your rectum."

My son AJ was standing behind me. He kissed me on the neck and then reached into the top of my blouse and gently held my nipple between his fingers. He said "That's the most beautiful thing I ever saw", took his hand out and left without another word.

"You, Peter Petrelli, can transform into Sailor Moon. The leader of a group of super heroes called the Sailor Scouts, Prince of the Old Moon Kingdom, the last salvation of the Earth." Mohinder sighed and leaned back. "I sound insane, don't I?"
~And yet, not as insane as the actual show itself!

“Oh, Hermione,” Harry said with exasperation, “what is it going to take for me to convince you that the only spanked arse I could even think about getting off on is yours?”

Odette was pleased by the Unicorns courtly 'words', and smiled,
pulling his horn back to her lips. She kissed and nibbled at the
hard horn as it it were the soft flesh of a man, and got much the
same reaction of pleasure a man would have demonstrated.
~Horns do not work that way.

You've been warned about the
content, so if you read my stories the consequences are chosen and
borne by you. With that in mind, please take a walk on my
Darkside and cum.

I looked in the mirror and my hair was all red. But my hair isn't red. It was blood!

In a few moments of panic, and confusion, Pippin's small frame was pinning Legolas against the wall. It was pushed away with Legolas' stronger force immediatedly. Pippin's fist connected with Legolas' face, and knocked him away. This was followed up swiftly by a rusty blade jammed up against Legolas' neck. Time stood still for a few moments as Legolas realized what was happening.
"Pippin- wha-" Legolas stammered, before Pippin pushed his lips against Legolas' forecfully. The knife's cool blade was still held against Legolas' throat. As Pippin pulled away, he moved the knife to Legolas' wrist and calmly cut it. It was only a small cut, but a faint trickle of red graced Legolas' skin. Pippin smiled at the sight and whispered into Legolas' ear,
"Remember me, my darling. My angel. My toy."

The serpent spoke, quite suddenly, in a low, raspy voice. Curiously, he had a rather endearing lisp, and a bizarre accent. "Vot is your name?" he asked me, winding his tail (foot, perhaps? I do not know), around a twig.
"My Lord has given me the name Eve," I replied.
The snake nodded, slowly and deliberatedly, one small fang in view. He hissed again, in a strange, amused fashion. "Ze Lord … ze Lord," he rasped. "You … like zis Lord of yours?" he looked at his surroundings, especially eyeing the apples that the Lord had forbidden Adam and I to touch.
"Yes, I do. He he is my Father, and he has been very good to me."
The snake lifted that funny little head of his, and chuckled. "He has not been good, sweet Eve. He has been most unvair …you like zis apple?" he asked, plucking an apple off the tree with his tail and holding it out to me.

Uh oh it looks like John's life turn into zoombie town. Can he live before it is to late? A mutch read.

From the view of his rented suite, Tony Stark sees his city; capricious and wanton, overbearing and alluring, teasing him to come and play in its bosom, but warning him of the dangers if he should lose.
Bright lights, big city. Sin city. His city.
Manhattan is down there, sprawled at his feet. Tony can feel its throb on the air, pressing at the glass. It’s Friday, everything (sin) is fun on a Friday. Tony is in the mood to be seduced, to be lost in an orgy of silken flesh with the first half dozen women that catches his eye.
And then he got really wasted and drunk dialed Captain America for sex.

Jared doesn’t realize quite how low his hands have slipped until he feels the dampness of tears against his face. He pulls back fast. “Jensen? Are you crying?”
“No.”
“Honey... God. Crap. Jen. I’m sorry. I just... I was just trying to tell you...”
“It’s okay,” Jensen glances behind his shoulder, “can you... could you take your hands out of my pants?”

Harry Potter/Smurfs - Harry/Draco Get-together story!!! Both Harry and Draco are supposed to serve detention with Filch on the same night. When they cannot find him, they go and search his office but they only find a blotched potion, Kwikspell scrolls and small blue men from the Forbidden Forest locked in a cage??? Gargamel is Filch's stage name. (And Mrs. Norris is Azrael.) Harry and Draco get turned into Smurfs by accident or intent, live with Smurfs in their village and discover each others' hidden values during time they spend being blue and dumpy. (Yes, I want Smurf-kissing and you get cookies if Draco discovers that smurfs are bald under the hat.) Half-serious humour-fic. (If you are capable of turning parts of it into angst or a darkfic, I'll spontaneously orgasm.)

Harry Potter/Smallville: Lex/Draco Pamela is a witch, Lillian is a squib, and Lex receives a letter from Hogwarts (he was born in England). He is sorted into Slytherin. Draco almost forgets his animosity toward Harry Potter because of his fascination with this bald kid from the colonies. Whenever in clashes with the Slytherins, Harry feels bad because he feels like he’s bullying a chemo patient (a fact that Draco and Lex use shamelessly)

Fandom: Peanuts
Pairing: Charlie Brown/Linus Van Pelt
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1,232
Warnings: Blanket Abuse
Summary: Linus discovers that you don't always need a blanket to feel safe.

The year is 2049, and Jared Padalecki has spent over 7 years going back in time and reviewing old crimes cases in order to help the police prevent similar crimes happening again. Its statistics and logic really, but Jared has taken a keen interest in a 1959 murder of male pin up Jensen Ackles. The case has forever remained unsolved and for some strange reason Jared can't stop looking back into the past. As he keeps taking small trips back to the past, he encounters thee Jensen Ackles and slowly finds himself falling for the kind soul. He knows it'll only end in heartache and he's breaking over 30 laws by doing this but he can't help himself.

"I'd love to," Kirk answered before he could finish. He pressed his lips against Spock's, cleverly opening the clamshell mouth and slipping his tongue inside like an echinoderm's everted cardiac stomach. His helpless victim suckled his tongue and held onto him even more tightly.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, Joel...After a while, jerking off just loses its magic. I've never been so frustrated before in my life! Way back when, at least I could hire a hooker to get some, y'know? But now, there's NO OTHER HUMAN BEING TO FUCK!!! I can't STAND it!" Mike slammed his fist into the wall, then cradled it in his hand when he realized just how much that hurt.
Joel sighed. "I feel your pain, man...I really do." Joel held up his hand, and sure enough, his knuckles were quite bruised from being slammed into walls.
"But wait! Now there is another human!" Mike gave Joel a "look". There's you, and there's me. There's 2 of us. We could..."
"Dance to the Masochism Tango?" Joel blinked.
"No! We could FUCK! EACH OTHER!" Mike cried. "Don't you understand, man? Our sexual needs will be satisfied! We'd never have to masturbate again!!!" Mike smiled. "I really am a genius."
~It's sad that my main objection to this was "Mike hiring a hooker? Mike 'Can't look at a woman for more than five seconds without having a panic attack' Nelson? Good day, sir. >:("

Jensen is a disgruntled uncle on a mission for the perfect tee ball mitt, Jared is the weird guy who hands out stickers at the Wal-Mart entrance - who may or may not be a little slow. He smiles a lot, okay!
~Every time I think fic involving these two poor people can't get any worse/weirder, somehow it does.

She then asked him “ So wots your name?”
“ Edward” he said.
“ Edward, wot love ?” She asked.
He replied embarrassed but he knew the question was coming “ Scissorhands”
Just then she noticed his hand were like scissors. She thought boy Mr. T would love him.

Sam twitched all over and gasped and laughed, prying his eyes open. "Oh, Mr. Frodo," he said, the look in those eyes warming Frodo further yet, "I've got my hands bound and my prick wet, and you ask me how I be. You do talk and talk, me dear."
~holy jesus i can't stop laughing

Jensen and Jared are breading partners.

Jared grew up in a harsh reality where boys are taken from their homes to learn to fight. When Lord Jeffrey picks him to be apprenticed to a gladiator, his fortunes may change, if he has the strength to survive. Jensen's childhood was soft by comparison, a world where Lord Jeffrey gifts him with extravagance, and pleasure is his only duty. Between them there is Jeffrey, and even he has no idea the events set in motion the day he brings Jared to his capital.

"Stop it. Stop it now you bastard..." Kristoph murmured, refusing to look at the man he'd once seen as a good, kind man.
Damon thrusted in hard now as his cock throbbed more and traces of precum started to slip out. He was getting closer. Closer to that orgasm. And yet, he still wanted the younger man to scream. Nay, to cry, for him.
"Cry for me you weak and hopeless unicorn!" Damon roared harshly now, pressing Kristoph hard against the wall.
The blond couldn't take it anymore. The pain. It was too much! "Unh! Stop it! Stop it now! Stop it you madman!"

It was just another day in Hal Emmerich’s life. Subtle, after his wild adventures previous to his quieter time away from business and long time memories, but never in the least bit boring…
~This Sunday, live at the Metrodome! Two sentences go in, but only one comes out!

The peepers bedded down. The chill hour: owl owns all, lovers live, pale moon loses some of its luster by comparison.
The mountain felt a black cathedral, this its choir, pews scratching posts for horses. God was all but that which was man. Everything was mixed. Evil was heaven; a man's own labor, woe. Never one without the other.
They painted beautiful, plunged creative. The kingfisher, silent, did not remove his belt. He too was acquainted with sky, knew chasing wind. Ennis suppressing the expanse in orbs: a sky that never rained for him.
The kingfisher settled into his wait.

"Pardon me, Mr. Gant, but...why didn't you make eye contact with me? I...take it you don't trust my defense?" Kristoph frowned now, a little nervous that perhaps this client of his didn't trust him. "Or...is it something else, sir?"
"I couldn't help but admire those well-manicured fingernails. That's a rare thing now, seeing a man take such good care of himself." Damon commented offhandedly.
Kristoph could feel his cheeks becoming slightly pink. "I...have a manicure once a week. I believe that outward appearance is a very strong indicator of a man's well-being."
"And such lovely, slender fingers." Damon commented. "If I could reach through the Plexiglas confine and touch them, I'll bet they're very smooth and supple, like those hands of yours appear to be."
Kristoph felt his cheeks become redder. "I use an imported German hand lotion on my hands. Keeps the skin moisturized. After all, appearance is a sign of a man's well-being."
~lololol kristoph blushing
lolol

The boy’s Master was looking at him with a gentle smile. “You don't want that sweetheart.”
Anakin drew back a little, confused. “What?”
Obi Wan’s smile broadened. “You don’t want me inside you.” He ran his hand down Anakin’s chest, his eyes dancing. Now that his lover was beginning to feel better he could allow himself to relax. “You want to be inside me. Don’t you?”
“Yes.” The reply was a whisper.
Obi Wan’s smile faded for a second. “You have never been reticent to tell me when you want to be the one inside. Don’t you dare start now. Your fears are groundless, as I’ve already told you. So when you want to fuck me you can damn well fuck me. Every single time, alright?”
~Is it just me or is it difficult to picture Obi Wan swearing?

The usually taciturn young attorney could feel tears running down his cheeks and clutched to himself now, his fingers digging into the folds of orange fabric surrounding him. Suddenly, a gloved hand reached between the bars. Kristoph could feel his curling spiral of golden hair loosen and flutter over his shoulder in loose curls
"You did your best. I've told you that dozens of times, Krissy." Damon's voice resounded gently.
Kristoph leaned into the touch, sniffling some as the tears kept rolling. "Then...how come I'm out here and you're in there? Why can't we both be outside the iron fetters that bind you?"
Damon Gant leaned in, pressing his lips against Kristoph's forehead. "No need for tears, Krissy. I think I like it better confined here anyways. Much...more peaceful. Besides, I never had a thing to look forward to when I was on the outside. It was always paperwork and evidence. But in here, I have something--or, rather, someone--to look forward to."
~oh wow

Jensen lifts his head just as the smell of very, very good food starts to curl into his nose. Two tiny little asian people are putting food down on their table, and suddenly he's not so sure this place is Chinese after all, because even though there's rice and meat and vegetables and rolls of things, it still doesn't look like any Chinese food he's ever had. But it smells like a million bucks, and Jared's looking too. "Go on, load up," Jeff tells them, bowing slightly to the oriental people, who are bowing back to him, talking away merrily about something Jensen doesn't understand. Jeff chats back at them, in their own language, and the three of them laugh. Jensen tries bowing a little too, just a nod of the head in thanks. Jared's a second ahead of him, and the owners of the restaurant bow to them too, and gesture emphatically that they should eat.

Now, in the last twenty years, there is one such man - a Japanese citizen, born in Tokyo - who has risen past his peers, straight through the ranks. He is known for his honor above all, his devout loyalty to his Shogun. It is said, in whispers between the towers of Tokyo, that if you wanted to point to the most Japanese of all the mainlanders in the world, you would point to him. His sword can cut one hair on your head and leave all others untouched. His aim with a pistol is unsurpassed. When he strikes with his fist, it's like watching the wind blow. In Japan, he is called Daiki Nihonjiro, samurai-sama, and there is not a soul who does not bow to him, save Emperor Kurosawa himself.
In Dallas, where his parents raised him, his name was Jensen Ackles.
~i just
what do you say to that

"Your highness: the Dono of Takai House, honored samurai, your servant, Colonel Jensen Ackles."

Jensen thinks perhaps this explains why his young student is so skittish - Westerners can be a simplistic people, valuing only the material and practical. He is a Westerner himself, after all; it took him some time to accept the idea of shudo. Why it should be so emphasized that there be friendship, even love, that the bond between teacher and student be so strong.

These days, the people of the village refer to the resident of that house as the samurai-sama of Takai - it's a word game, a popular pastime in Japan.
Takai means the next world, which can be anything from heaven to the spirit world - a reference to the temple. But if you change the character, it becomes any of expensive, high up, or tall. Put the accent on the first syllable, instead of the second, and it means mountain.
Samurai of the holy, samurai of the mountain, warrior of undisputed honor. Samurai who stands out like a sore thumb amidst his shorter subjects, samurai who got the best house in the whole of Japan, wink wink nudge nudge.
~>:(

Around the beginning of the twentieth century, Japanese culture was heavily into sexual repression. Certain things were not discussed, certain things were to be hidden and mysterious. Thai culture, on the other hand, held that there were two sorts of girls - the kind you marry and the kind you rent. One was supposed to be chaste until marriage, the other was part of a longstanding tradition, the sort of girl who's around when a man could have fun and be himself.
This division would have been easily accepted, were it not for the geisha.
There was, it is told, a great and powerful meeting of the minds during this time: Tokyo's premiere geisha met the woman who was responsible for running a huge section of Bangkok bordellos. The story goes that the geisha was getting off her boat to meet with some high-ups in the Thai government, and the madam's carriage pulled up. The madam got out, surrounded by servants and covered in jewels, and the geisha's foot touched on the wharf at the same moment. Their eyes met, and the two women nodded respectfully, each recognizing the other's profession even though the two groups didn't get along - the Thai believed in open sale of sex for money, where the geisha were primarily focused on art and entertaining, and on sex only as a sideline, if the geisha herself were interested. Both believed their way was more respectful to the woman involved, and neither approved of the other view.

Doc smiled. Now he remembered. They had come back to the house, he had plopped down on the couch to check Marty’s photograph with the teen, and then. . . . Well, he must have fallen asleep. It had been an extremely long day for him - both of them - after all, what with sneaking around the high school and trying to get George and Lorraine together - not to mention his own work on getting the DeLorean ready for time travel again. Marty must have followed him into the land of dreams shortly afterwards.
Marty squirmed again, trying to push his head into Doc’s chest. Doc’s smile brightened. There was something - surprisingly comforting about having Marty sleep next to him like this. As if --
As if they were family.
~Something about this makes me very uncomfortable.

Once upon a time, in a land not far from this one, there lived a little boy. His favorite thing in the world was his body: a strange country, just like yours. One you could spend the days and years of your life mapping, journeying, and never without a strange new discovery. It was the chariot he rode. It was wonderfully and terribly made, and the songs it wrote upon itself were wordless. He knew he would never know it fully, not in a way you can say out loud, because those songs were songs that had no words. Sometimes it surprised him. The little boy had no parents to speak of, but it was a good life: right on the edge of the forest, where day becomes night and men become beasts. Where witches and wolves and worse dwelt, calling to him all day and all night: "Come and find out!"
~Whoever wrote this needs a slap.

Summary: Gender identity crises, sneaking into physics seminars, daring rescue schemes, and the complicated relationship between sex and eating. Oh, plus they're all insects (and one arachnid).
~Oh SGA Fandom.

"Nnhh..." Near moans, eyelids fluttering at the faint scrape of Mello's teeth. "It's so good, feeling how passionate you are, your fire."

“I - I guess it’s not the same without you here,” she said, her voice quivering a bit. She held her breath for a second in anticipation; Rahm Emanuel had an overtly sexual presence that even the most faithful married woman couldn’t deny.

Malfoy was as sleek and muscular as a seal

Bodies, limbs shimmering in golden sweat. A heat so hot it was almost combustible. Eyes dark, glittering, hooded, pleading. Kisses hard, bitter, bruising. Tongues pushing, pulling, tasting.

She had the thought to scream before a tentacle emerged and clasped about her throat, tight enough to choke her, the tip then rising up and staring down at her. She then realised that she was a metre off the ground. "Open for me, little slut," something spoke to her, ancient, evil and malevolent. Her mouth opened and the tentacle plunged into her, her tongue stroked it lovingly and her hands squeezed it, an intense sensation of lust overcoming her as she accepted it deeper and deeper down her throat. It punched into her stomach and then down into her intestines, making them bulge through her almost non-existent waistline till it exploded from her asshole, the girl spasming as she felt unimaginably bloated.
~and also spasming from feeling, you know, dead.

Barely a week after the book arrived, she slipped and fell to the floor, a butcher knife in her hand slipping up and coming straight down and into the meat of her left tit, halving her nipple, the knife was one of the smaller ones and it's weight only pushed it half way into her tit and her first instinct was to scream in pain but.... But her pussy spasmed and she orgasmed, hard. The knife shaking and cutting the insides of her tit and only made the orgasm more intense till it eventually slipped out of her ruined globe and only then did it stop.
~Hypothesis - A fic referring to breasts as "globes": almost always written by a man? y/n

I chose that occasion to reopen the conversation with my mother about my life as her unfulfilled abortion desire. My mother, in turn, decided to start calling me by the name of Abortus, and to insist that all the ladies of the club call me by that name as well. She continued by telling me that it might be amusing for the ladies of her club to watch me being killed for no particular reason except sheer amusement.
“Great!” I answered. “How soon can that happen?”
“As soon as I can arrange it”, she replied with a wink and a smile.

Shane could not believe how wonderful the sensations had been - better than anything his young body had ever felt. He had always wondered why sex was forbidden to boys his age. It was indeed a cruel twist of nature that the most wonderful sex coupling in the world - Woman and boy was illegal - made so by puritanical Adults determined to limit child rights. Perhaps in primal fear that women may turn to boys instead of men if sex with boys was legal.
~No... no I don't think that's it.

but when the guitarist's tongue darter out to swipe at Ofdensen, it was as carefully as Skwisgaar could manage. The very tip was like a pad of heavy wet velvet, covering the older man from knees to breastbone and rubbing warm and wet everywhere in between.
~In this fic, Ofendenson is a six-inch fairy. No, I'm not lying or making a joke, that's actually what's happening here.

His tongue was pretty damn flexible, but it was slowly soaking the tiny manager, and the pressure was relentless and intense

"I feel like I'm drowning," the older man moaned. It wasn't quite a complaint.

His lower lip - hugely thick to Ofdensen - lodged between the older man's thighs as the tongue relentlessly worked the tiny cock, balls, and ass all in one go.

a quivering mess of wings and limbs, practically dripping with sweat and saliva.

It was a beautiful specimen of manhood, straight and firm and perfect. Most normal-sized people would probably be intimidated by it. At his size, Ofdensen should have been terrified. It stood taller than he was! A pillar of hot, salty flesh the size of a tree trunk.

Trying to be helpful, Ofdensen wrapped his arms around the pillar as well as he could, and used his wings to lift himself up.

In his surprise, he'd pressed his cheek against the slit, so his face was already slick with pre-cum.

But y'know, I really gotta say, you think he's evil, don't you? You're reading all this and shaking you're head and going, "What a twisted bastard, he deserves to die." But see, what if your whole life you've just been pushed away and rejected and outdone by a little white thing that doesn't even look at you without a hint of smugness in its eyes? What if that one man you idolized and respected and maybe even - it's a forbidden emotion, you know what it is - loved was killed by some bastard, and the only thing you can do now is watch as your rival - that smug white son of a bitch - goes about methodically disposing of the criminal?
Wouldn't you also hang on your ever action to bring about your own twisted sort of justice? Wouldn't you set up that bomb - TNT dynamite cherry red and cute - and push the switch?
~This technically isn't a fanfic, but an excerpt from a Matt/Mello shipping manifesto. I just thought this was too hilarious to pass up.

Okay, okay, so maybe these two are another pair of pretty faces tossed into the rag-tag bang-bang mess of a world that everyone sees, and maybe, maybe, they have something for each other. But why would anyone want to root for them? Because they don't sing a love song, no, their tune is a grim remix of a death march, baby, you can hear it if you listen hard enough, it's a sick sick melody that they thrive in. Two twisted kids (because, really, they're just kids, y'know. two young boys shoved into a crisis) brought together by need and boredom, they ain't no Romeo and Juliet.

Zeke likes to go to bed early at night, and he loves sleeping late in the morning. Zeke has this recurring dream. He knows it's a dream because his life wasn't (isn't) like this. He was a pretty driven guy. While he was married, Zeke never took the days off; he spent more time with his partner than he spent with his wife. He had a thick folder of commendations. It's only now, now that he's dead, that he's been taking the time to smell the flowers (acid, burning scent).
Zeke can (still) distinguish a dream (sharp, tactile) from reality (blunted, blurred).
Zeke knows his wife (widow) isn't here with him, in this room, in his bed.
~needs (less) parenthetical asides (yes)

And so Basement Cat cajoled Cheezburger Cat, urged him onward with teeth and tongue and paw, until he hesitantly centered his tongue on the filthiest part of Basement Cat's body, and began to lick. As the rough surface of Cheezburger Cat's tongue traced circles against against his most sensitive skin Basement Cat shivered and moaned (for he was the sort of cat who took pleasure in such pain); he spread his legs wider, kneading his forepaws against the towel, capable of nothing more than crying out to Cheezburger Cat, "MOAR! MOAR!"

I mean, I ask you! Well, I gave that man a stropping he won't forget His arse was pink and striped when I was done, and he was snorting like the fine stallion he was.
"Have you had enough now? What comes next, my man?"
"I need--- you to take me. Please. Sir."
In an instant, I had several pillows under his hips and was searching for the oil we use on me.
"No need, sir. I've.... prepared myself."
So he did. I sank a finger into his well oiled arse and he bucked against me, begging me to just bugger him now, please god!
I was by this time so hard I had trouble seeing. I climbed behind him on the bed and slowly sank into that red hotness.
How can I describe the heat? The tightness and the incredible softness? The feeling like I was driving my prick into a heaving force of nature? I could only hang on as I pounded into the willing flesh of my man.
Suddenly Jeeves bellowed like a bull, and came everywhere, and I bit down on the back of his neck and released my own fluid deep.

They stood together, tip to tail, scenting each other, teasing with breath and whiskers. Cheezburger Cat pressed his nose to Basement Cat's rear, "HOW CAN HAZ?" and Basement Cat smiled secretively, quietly. "IZ EZ," he assured Cheezburger Cat, his voice low and comforting, a paw still teasing at Cheezburger Cat's whiskers, and told Cheezburger Cat how to begin.

"So that's Grabthar's hammer." Jason took the urinal beside Alexander and let fly.

Matilda's kiss is quick and tender and deep, full of knowing that Miss Honey will never share. Her hands are so small, her brain so big, and her heart so unfathomable that Jenny can only shake her head and burrow down in the deep blankets and new love that keep her warm.

When he looked at her she got the impression that she was being unzipped, opened from her chest plate down to her clit. His eyes on her made her feel like he could see straight into that secret, hollow space that shivered and convulsed between her legs.
0
On the other hand, the skin around Nathan's cock felt thick ... maybe it was thicker than normal? In Toki's mind this made perfect sense - otherwise it would just bust open when the centaur got an erection, wouldn't it.

I Love You!
" I love you...Kevin!" yelled Joe
" I'm your brother...you can't love me like that!" yelled Kevin. Nick just sat their watching...thanking god his parents weren't home.
" Kevin...I can't help." said Joe quietly starting cry.
" Joe...please don't cry." said Kevin softly. Kevin looked at Joe who was now looking at the floor tears pouring down his face.
" Kevin...do you want me to leave?" asked Nick quietly.
" No...don't leave." went Kevin. NIck walked over to Joe and hugged him. Joe and Nick sat on the bed. Soon Joe stopped crying. Joe leaned into Nick and kissed him. The kiss started off slow...but then got passionate.
" Joe...stop." Nick whined. " Kevin...make him stop." Kevin started to pull Nick away from Joe.
" No...Stop Kevin!" whined Joe. Keivn got Nick away from Joe. Joe started to cry. Kevin held Joe close.
" Stop crying Joe...please for me." said Kevin.
" OK...Kevin." said Joe softly. Kevin kissed Joe softly. Then laid him down.
" Nick go do something." said Kevin.
" OK...I get the drift." said Nick laughing as he left the room. Kevin unbuttoned Joe's shirt and slipped it off. Then Kevin took off his own shirt. Kevin then pulled Joe close...their bare chest touching..

"DUDE MERLIN MAN WE HAVE TO COME UP WITH A FUCKING CHARACTER PROFILE FOR THIS 'FORCE' THING WHAT THE FUCK," he sends as an email to Merlin.
"Wiki it," is the completely unhelpful message that Arthur gets back.
"What the fuck, you think I haven't googled the shit out of that?" Arthur replies. "There isn't anybody else who we can make into Merlin's advisor or whatever the fuck."
There's barely a second before Arthur gets a reply, which basically shows how much Merlin's concentration is on this project right now. "So make one up," the message says. "It's not even, like, 2% of our grade, it'll be fine."

He leaned into Napoleon again, rubbed against him like a cat. A cat with a half-engorged penis

"Turn over" James growled into Nicky's ear as he climbed off his torso, Nicky smiled and obeyed, Nicky has always wanted a chance to be the submissive one since he was always the dominent one when he was with Richey and now it looks as though he is getting his chance, he turned on his front "Now get onto your hands and knees" James commanded, Nicky obeyed again lifting himself onto his hands and knees, shivering slightly, he felt James' hand run upand down his inside thighs and grasping hold of his already hardening cock like a dog breeder checking out the equipment of his male dog

Title: The One Where Arthur Despoils Merlin in a Cave Because, IDK, It Was Necessary to the Plot or Something

Emerald Twilight » by Bittersweet Alias
AU:Slash:Non-Magic: Crossover-Twilight. When Harry moves to Forks to be with his dad, he never expected to fall in love with a classic vampire. Nor did he expect to have a nomad vampire named Tom Riddle Jr. madly obsessed with him. Harry/Edward
Complete - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 149,942 - Reviews: 1583

“What are you reading boy?”
Harry blinked and turned his emerald eyes upon her. “Anita Blake.”

“Hi dad!” Harry said patting his father on the arm.
“Bambi!” He crowed placing a kiss to his small son’s cheek. “I’ve missed you!”
Harry’s cheeks coloured very deeply when he remembered his father’s nickname for him. “Dadddd!” He then complained.
Chuckling, James grinned. “You’re still my little deer.”
“Argh, only in private.” Harry said shaking his finger.
“Sure thing! My God you’ve gotten gorgeous, Bambi!”

Pairing: Main Merlin/Arthur. Various combinations involving Jack and Ianto
Crossover: Torchwood
Rating: PG-13. At least until Jack shows up.
Summary: Tea and Dress-Up Merlin. (New Doll, to be released in very limited quantities. Prince Arthur confiscated them all. Sorry)

The smile became a broad grin. "I like you. Caldwell is right. You are arrogant, egocentric, and obnoxious. I look forward to breaking you, to seeing you crawling on your hands and knees begging for me to take my pleasure in your soft body and firm ass." He trapped Rodney up against the wall and reached out to knead the firm curves of Rodney's perfect heart-shaped ass.

He buried his face in her cleavage when he came, which was after what seemed like far too short a time. In a tangle of arms and legs, they lay sprawled on the rumpled bed. "So you see," said Joan, as if she'd never been interrupted, "we couldn't possibly be characters on a TV show."
"Mmm," Abe said, kissing the curve of her neck. "We could be if we were on HBO."
"Oh Abe, don't be silly," she laughed. "HBO doesn't have cartoons."

Merlin froze in the doorway, and Arthur ran right into him. "Fucking hell, Merlin!" Arthur's words died off when he looked past Merlin and saw Robert Downey Jr sitting on Ari's lap in an arm chair.
"This is not as gay as it looks," Ari said evenly.
"Yes, it is, Ari, don't lie to the children," Robert replied.
Ari stood up abruptly, and Robert fell onto the floor.
"Now that's just mean," Robert said, sprawled on the floor. "You used to love playing teacher and naughty schoolboy."

"Mayflower," Fred said casually, which was their code word for "Someone wants you and can I pretend to be you and have sex with them please?" "Lance Bass."
George's eyes widened. "Lance Bass wants me?"
Fred's heart sank. That wasn't the right response, as far as he was concerned. "Yeah?"
"Since when?"
"Now?"
"I didn't even know he was here," George said, looking around furtively, and Fred's heart sank even more. This didn't look promising.

When Jared dreams, he dreams of Jensen's six little dead girls. He dreams of them lying side by side in the dry yellow cornstalks of the fields where Jensen brought them to kill them: tiny, candy-sweet blondes, who all look like the baby sister that caught fever and died when Jensen was only eight.

His cock is fat and hard, incongruously big on his coltish frame.

When Jared comes, it's as Jensen's printing the plump, scarlet butterfly-bow of his lips down the length of Jared's inner thigh.

It's a secret language that belongs on the walls of pyramids and temples and in the dust of alien planets, and Jensen is sharing it with Jared.

"You know what I'm gonna do?" Jared says. Jensen doesn't answer, of course - Jensen doesn't even know Jared's talking - but Jared politely leaves a space for Jensen to speak before he continues. "I'm gonna slice your ears off, one after the other, and I'm gonna eat them. And that way, I'll know. Because the words, the noises, they have to go somewhere. Don't they? Like, you know when you put a seashell to your ear, you hear the sea?"

"If I eat your ears, I'll hear them screaming, won't I? And I'll hear me, telling you how much I love you. I'll hear me. I'll know that I've really said it, because sometimes I don't know if I've said it or if it's just in my head, and you can't tell me."

"I really believe that Snape and Lupin are meant for one another. If you examine the antagonistic attitude that Snape maintains towards the werewolf in canon, one can find at the bottom of it the seeds of an inexplicable attraction. The sheer tension between them grows thicker and thicker as the series goes on, culminating at the death of Sirius but growing stronger after. Lupin finds himself unable to resist the temptation to apologize to Snape, and that only makes it stronger. Snape himself can never either forget or forgive Lupin, and one without forgetfulness or forgiveness remains in one's life forever. Forever is long enough to become life partners.
"I seriously urge you to consider this, because you seem interested in Snape's psychology and this is the most psychological and complex relationship Snape could have."

Title:untitled for now
Pairing:Thor/Loki
Rateing PG
Summery: Fariy tails are harsh

"Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I want to hear."
"You are a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder."
"How about something I don't already know? "
"...I have a sweet tooth."

Merlin blinked at the phone as though Gwen could see him. "Help him how?"
"You'll think of something, Merlin."
"I will?"
"Well, unless you want him to run off with some Brad Pitt-clone you will."
The thought of Arthur running off with Brad Pitt made Merlin's blood run cold. Hadn't that non-acting, greasy, home-wrecker-turned-philanthropist done enough damage?
Oh, wait, maybe he was thinking of Angelina Jolie.

Title: What Have I Become, My Sweetest Friend
Series: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report
Pairings: Jon/Stephen
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: angst, swearing, self-injury, mansex, hurt/comfort

Elrond went further by clutching Picard with his fingers, pulling at the fabric of his slacks to feel what was underneath. The telltale bulge in the elf's leggings stood out between them, especially with the weight it had against Picard's thigh. Elrond moved over Picard's body like a serpent and sharply nibbled at a peaked nipple.

"Mmm" he caressed his nipples, they poked up and slightly resembled AK bullets. Before no time his cock was hard and standing. "Its time" He violently grasped ahold of it, and begun jerking it fevorishly. "mmm" his toes clenched, he jerked it harder, his head hitting the headboard. biting his tongue several time. his eyes squeezed shut tighter and tighter, and he grited his teeth as his mouth foamed with blood. his back arched, and his ass cheeks tightened. He continued slamming his cranium into the headboard.

Akito readily lets Junta drag him to the bed and push him down. When Junta leans closer, he's shocked to see a flat, circular disk pressed tight to Akito's anus. The words "For Junta~ ♥" are markered cutely across it, and Junta stares uncomprehending for a moment before it clicks.

"I bit him once, early on," said Ed. "I was mad."
"That was dumb," said Al.
Ed nodded. Dumb was an understatement. Futile would be a better word. "He healed up right away. It didn't even hurt him that much."
" Ed had to give head to almost everyone in the family including me until he got it right."
Ed rubbed his throat. "My jaw was sore by the end of that day. It wasn't fun."

Flight 1549 by SrslyNo
What if House and Wilson were on yesterday’s US Airways flight 1549?

Reid followed the silent invitation and climbed into Hotch's lap, straddling him. He looked into Hotch's eyes for a moment. "Why?"
"Because you're intelligent and handsome and vulnerable," Hotch murmured, sliding his arms around Reid. He leaned in to mouth at his jaw. "Because you gave me that message. Because you hugged me." He kissed Reid's mouth. "Because you're you."

But apparently Arthur knew it better (which shouldn’t have surprised him), and he pushed in with little to no resistance and a chuckle. Merlin felt the ripe fruits bursting deep inside him, juices sliding against Arthur's cock as he eased himself fully in, felt some of the fleshy red sweetness being pushed out and dripping down his legs.
"Oh my god, Arthur, I can feel them squishing," he moaned, relishing the unfamiliar feeling of the sluggish, wet slide of Arthur's cock inside him as it pounded the strawberries into him. "Oh god, don't stop."
~Hey guys, there's even a community for this specific fetish!

And then Arthur sped up, the sound of his cock squelching slightly as it crushed the strawberries to a pulp inside him driving Merlin mad as he could feel the fruit enveloping Arthur within himself.
Then Arthur’s thumb flicked over the head of his cock with an expert twist, angled his hips and hit just there (ohgodyes) and Merlin saw white as the strawberries oozed deep inside him.
Arthur tumbled over the edge with him, just two more thrusts and then he stilled and Merlin felt his hot flood merge with the fruit, and closed his eyes. Arthur’s breath came heavy and laboured on the back of his neck and he felt his legs tremble as they supported them both.
He whimpered slightly as Arthur pulled out of him, and then the cloth was wiping him carefully, down between his thighs, and he had to admit that he felt better for it, and Arthur’s other hand was gentle on his hip as he pulled his breeches up.
"I'm going to be shitting out strawberries for a while, aren't I?" he said with a groan, and Arthur moved around in front of him. He shone in the moonlight.

Part the First: In which Princess Lillian arrives and Arthur coerces Merlin into having sex with a watermelon.

Lex gaped unattractively, staring at the itty-bitty thing sticking straight out from Kal’s smooth groin. Kal’s cock couldn’t be three inches long and the width of two fingers- two woman’s fingers. He had huge balls swinging down between his legs, his scrotum the size of a softball, quite larger than average and what Lex had been hoping.
But his cock! Aliens were supposed to be hung! They kidnapped humans to use as sex slaves, raping them in every hole with their massive pricks! Lex had been expecting tentacle porn and all he got was a pencil nub?
He might actually cry.

Kal almost conked their heads as he looked down, to see between them. Lex felt the tip of Kal’s cock kiss his hole.

“I can be tighter.” Lex squeezed his ass muscles. Kal’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Lex stroked his hands up Kal’s straining chest and tweaked his nipples. “All you need to do now is start mooooooooooooooo-”
Lex’s word turned into a bovine howl as Kal’s cock flipped a switch to super-vibrate. The tiny cock hammered against his prostate in the absolute perfect spot. Orgasm melted his brain within moments, his body jerking, spitting come on his chest. He clasped his hands behind Kal’s neck and held on as another pleasure-wave slammed into him. He would never disparage tiny alien penises again.

Mischievousness caught hold, and Lex dipped his fingertips into Kal’s smooth armpit and tickled.
“EEEYOYOYOYOYOYOYOY.” Kal’s back arched off the couch, nearly throwing Lex off him.
Lex grabbed on, caught his balance, and pushed up. Straddling Kal’s waist, he looked questioningly at Kal. Kal’s face was twisted and flushed red. Puffing breaths came from between his lips.
Lex quirked a brow. Hmm. He darted his hand beneath Kal’s arm and wiggled his fingertips against his armpit.
Kal threw his head back and yodeled. “EEEYOYOYOYOYOYOYOY.”
A roguish grin spread across Lex’s lips. “So, you’re ticklish.”
Panting, Kal threw both arms over his head. “Do again.”
That gave Lex pause. Most people didn’t like being tickled. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Yes!” Kal squirmed on the couch under Lex. “It feeling good.”
“It feels good,” Lex half-corrected, half-hummed. Did he stumble upon a sweet spot.
There was only one way to find out.
“EEEEEEEEYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOY.”

Lex rolled out of bed and swayed dizzily for a second. Eating lunch was probably a good idea. He hoped he wasn’t getting sick, though that would explain his recent bout of tiredness.
He wished it would explain his constant constipation. He labored on the toilet as he read Issue #78 of Warrior Angel. He hadn’t allowed Kal to fuck him because he felt plugged up. In fact, Kal hadn’t fucked him since their first days as a married couple. That was just wrong. He would have to swallow his embarrassment over his body problems and see if Kal could diagnose him in the medical room, or else a trip back to Earth would be in order.
Or maybe not, because something seemed to finally be moving down there. Painfully moving, like he’d swallowed a knife and it was now coming out the other end. Lex set aside Warrior Angel, grabbed hold of his knees, and whined with the strain. Shitting was so undignified. The Kryptonians had it so much better, puking once a day.
“Oh, fuck,” Lex rasped, squeezing his eyes shut. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt…
It was out, with a really gross, squelchy fart.
And it bit his testicles.
“Ieep!” Lex yipped and his eyes flew open as another sharp bite landed on his flaccid cock. His gaze shot downward, as two subsequent bites pricked his skin, higher and higher on his abdomen. His eyes rounded in horror as a fist-sized piece of shit crawled over the mound of his belly. A claw with five needle-sharp points extended from the shit and sank into his flesh.
Lex screamed bloody-murder.
“Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!” He tried to bat it off, but in his panic flailed ineffectually. The shit’s claws pierced his skin and clung on. “Aaah! Aaah!”
Kal burst through the door as soon as it slid open, his face ferocious, ready to do battle. “Lex! I am here!”
“Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me!” Lex screeched.
Kal dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and grabbed Lex’s thrashing arms. The second Lex stopped hitting the shit-monster, it began climbing again.
Lex squealed like a stuck pig. The thing reached the lower curve of his man-breast, extended a claw, and pulled itself over it. A maw opened, ringed with pointed teeth. The shit reared back and struck fast. The teeth pierced around Lex’s nipple, sealing around his flesh. He could feel it begin to suck.
Lex’s eyes rolled wildly and he fought against Kal’s hold. “Get it off! Get it off!”
Instead of helping, Kal made comforting noises in the back of his throat. “Lex, be calm.”
“BE CALM?! THERE IS A SHIT-MONSTER ATTACHED TO MY MAN-BREAST!”
“I know not what is ‘shit-monster’,” Kal said, “but that is baby.”
Lex stopped fighting abruptly. “What?”
“It is baby,” Kal repeated and beamed a smile.
~Wow, I am honestly speechless.

Belle stared at him in disbelief. “So basically, you told him, ‘Stay away from Belle, she’s mine! Leave town now and you won’t get hurt. Oh…and have a safe trip’?”
Gaston brightened. “Yes! See, I was trying to be nice there! Polite, like you said.”
Belle sighed. Sometimes she just wanted to shake him till his teeth rattled. “Gaston…threatening someone is never nice,” she said in exasperation. “No matter what you say afterward. It doesn’t make it any better.”
“Oh.” Gaston looked disappointed.

Gaston gallantly offered his arm to Belle. She smiled and took it. “You’ve become quite the gentleman!” she said teasingly.
“No one’s as polite as Gaston!” he said with a charming grin
~:DDDD

“A book?” Gaston burst out laughing. He cuffed LeFou on the head for such a ridiculous suggestion. “Why would I want to get her a book? I hate books!”
“I know you hate books. So do I. But Belle likes them,” LeFou pointed out, rubbing his head.
Gaston thought about that. “That’s true,” he said. The wheels in his head were turning, albeit slowly. “Belle likes books. So if I give her a book, she’ll like me!” He grinned. “It’s brilliant! I’m a genius!”
~I am honestly in love with this fic. I'm not even joking. :D

Throw Yourself Away
A baby boy is born on the bathroom floor during prom night. Who are his parents? Why was his birth hidden? Why would anyone throw something so precious away? Based off of the song by the same name, by Nickleback Its not as cliche as it soun Abuse, Anal, Angst, AU/AR, H/C, HJ, Inc, Language, M/M, N/C, Oral, Preg, SH, Shouta, SoloM, Spank, Yaoi
Naruto > Kakashi/Naruto

"So what if you don't know where the monster dens are. You get out there and smash 'em. Maybe one day you'll get rid of the monsters for-Hey, over there!"

The boilerman pointed behind the truck. A small but threatening monster was giving chase. Barret pointed the end of his right arm at the monster and fired without bothering to get a bead. The creature's body shattered to the ratta-tatta of rapid-fire bullets.
"Sucks to be a monster today," commented Barret.
When Barret turned to tell the boilerman not to worry, he noticed that the boilerman's gaze was fixed on his right arm. It was the same look as the woman from Junon. Maybe I'm the monster. "You know, man, the monsters' den might be somewhere inside me."
The boilerman wasn't kind enough to answer.
~barret - conversation killer

As they eventually draw closer, thanks to a set of coincidences and school projects they learn more about one another, but soon a shattering revelation will change these people forever, or something.

Tonight: a drink. Can I buy you one? Your answer ... may surprise you.

"You should lie down," said John, in a calm and authoritative tone that would have been comforting if Jon hadn't heard him use the same tone to say "humans born with prehensile tails will no longer be immediately drafted into the secret army."

I lose stories very easily
It was
really good
It was
by one of the better writers

Well Rodney is sick and
McKay's legs have been amputated and he's dying of radiation poisoning,
and Weir is carrying his child.

and he told John
he wanted to quit the team.
John immediately told him,
no, request denied. Something about
being his commanding officer
and not letting him quit the team.

Alright,
I'm looking for a fic,
It was either McShep
or gen
most definately McShep.

"They were only supposed to put in a uterus!" cried Stephen. "A duderus! I didn't sign up for dude udders, or whatever it is that makes milk. What would you even call those? Dudders?"

Hotch's hand reached up around his neck and dragged him down. "C'mere," Hotch murmured, and held him against his cheek. "You are my brilliant lover and if orgasm gives you inspirations I'll learn to live with it."

I mentally manifested the entire concept of the female orgasm into a unicorn.
Yes. A unicorn.
A very pretty, white, majestic, non existent mythical creature that everyone talks about, but you never actually see first hand.
That is… unless that hand belongs to a certain Edward Cullen.
It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Well, technically it was nothing I had ever felt before. I wondered if Edward even realized he granted me two pretty white unicorns.
The first time was great beyond all comparison. But then, just as I was coming down, I felt him shudder lightly beneath me and groan huskily into my neck while I had my hand wrapped as far around him as I could through his jeans. Then I felt… it… twitching in my palm while he continued rubbing me shakily and gasping against my skin. And the realization that I was giving Edward a unicorn of his very own made me fall over the edge once more.

The Doctor decides to bring Reinette aboard the TARDIS and is blissfully happy. Rose is heartbroken and turns to a deadly, addictive habbit. Will The Doctor realise the truth before it's too late?
~The title of this fic is "Cut" by the way.

The bed creaks along with the increasingly rough menstruations

Sam's hair was hanging in his face and he was panting, the girl just lying back and taking it; he was fucking her so hard and fast and even though her tight heat was incredible, what was really making him hot was Dean's hand down there, his fingers circling the base of Sam's cock, stroking and sliding through the girl's wetness as Sam fucked her. And Sam could feel Dean's cock pressing hard against his ass, nudging his still-wet hole from when they fucked half an hour before, and he's desperate to bend over a little and spread his legs and let Dean in, but Dean won't let him, won't let him stop fucking the girl whose name he can't even remember anymore.
Wow, hate your own vagina more.

Title: Dear Dean Winchester, are you there? It's me, God.

Joey’s waiting in silence when Chandler comes from the doctor’s office and says, “Well, Monica said I should lose weight; I knew I couldn’t stick to the Atkin’s diet, so I got myself cancer instead,” and though Joey starts crying almost right away, he’ll forever feel guilty for his first reaction being that he wondered whether Chandler was just itching all the cab ride home to say that.
~This is surprisingly in-character.

He’d collected them for years. His mother had teased him over his fascination with the handsome Aussie actor, but Gabriel had waved her away in annoyance. Now his eyes glistened with tears as he traced over the film titles in his collection, each of them containing a man he would never meet, a man who was gone now.
He smiled as he looked at 10 Things I Hate About You, trying to imagine Heath sitting on a couch eating spaghetti-os and watching Wheel of Fortune.
He frowned as he lightly touched Monster’s Ball, biting his lip at the fate of Heath’s character.
He laughed when he reached The Brother’s Grimm. How painful it must have been to hang on those ropes next to Matt Damon.
And then it all came crashing out of him, and he took in a sharp breath as tears spilled down his cheeks when he reached Brokeback Mountain. Tragic Ennis. Such a beautiful tale. Gabriel pulled the movie off the shelf, and held it up to an empathetic Mohinder.
“Let’s watch this one.”

They journeyed toward the Grey Havens. Gimli took a side-trip to Michel Delving to stock up on ale, because who knew if those pointy-eared prats across the sea would have any? When he caught up with Legolas at Mithlond, the boat was already waiting for them. It looked awfully small and flimsy for an ocean-going craft, but then, Gimli would have been uncomfortable even in a mithril-reinforced supertanker.
"Do you like it?" Legolas asked hopefully. "I built it."
~Hee. :D

Arthur sniffed as they tied their horses to a great oak tree. “I smell deer.”
Merlin sniffed, too. “I can only smell poo.”
Riveting dialogue.

Across the mattress he heard Tony mutter something, roll over, and then slam his head violently into the pillow. Steve opened his eyes, and looked over at his lover's pale back in the dim light of the bedroom. Steve didn't need to see Tony's face to know that he was probably upset about the shield being in the bed yet again.

Anyway, what I meant was that you, and my shield, are the two things I always want to take into a fight with me. You're my two best weapons.” Steve said.
“Oh, okay, I get it now.” Tony said.
“And you always protect me, just like my shield.” Steve said.
“Yeah, I guess you can say that....” Tony said.
“And you're made of metal, just like my shield.” Steve said.
“More or less, yeah.” Tony said.
“And, if I throw you away, you always come back to me, just like my shield. I hope you'll aways come back to me, anyway.” Steve said.

And Merlin felt all his power rushing to his heart, which swelled and swelled until it was full to the brim with ancient songs.
All the times that Merlin had imagined love, he had never come up with anything quite so spectacular.

He doesn't babble like Iron Man does, a flood of hot, urgent words, but he can't help the short, breathy cries of pleasure each time he buries himself in Iron Man's snug, eager ass.

He flexed, admiring the play of sweat and light over his own muscles in the mirror, admiring how big he looked next to the form crouched between his thighs.
"Oh, yes," he growled, smiling his devastating smile. "No one travels through time to find a friend with benefits like Gaston!"
Unfortunately for Gaston, no one was as prone to unfortunate timing for using his teeth during a blowjob like Zapp Branigan.

The lifeless hands slid off her slightly fat tummy and onto the mattress just exploded inside her.

I'm looking for a fic in which Mr. Filch has sex with Mrs. Norris. Not just any fic in which they have sex, in this fic Mrs. Norris was Chuck Norris but someone put a spell on him. I believe it was noncon if that helps.

This is a song fic based on Nickelback's song 'Never Again'. Draco's an Auror and Ginny lives next door with her abusive boyfriend.

I heard the men talking. They're always talking. Jayne is the loudest. He says you prefer penises. Do you prefer penises, Simon? Would you marry me if I were a man and had a penis?

“Your p-pants, unzipped. Cock…out.” So hard SOHARD. She wanted him in her mouth or her pussy, wherever! Just filling her. Fucking her!

“Lowered me. On your cock. Big cock.” He’d moved back enough so that she could see he was stroking it. “Big cock. Oh god.”

Dean laughs, rough and low, jerks his dick with a hand slick from Sammy's spilled shampoo and comes with his asshole still gasping for something he can't get
~I'm sorry, what's gasping?

“Come, Darcy,” said Mr. Bingley, “I hate to see you standing by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance.”
“I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it.”
“I would not be as fastidious as you are for a kingdom! I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and several of them are uncommonly pretty.”
Before Mr. Darcy could respond, a chorus of screams filled the assembly hall, immediately joined by the shattering of window panes. Unmentionables scrambled in, their movements clumsy yet swift; their burial clothing in a range of untidiness.
Guests who had the misfortune of standing near the windows were seized and feasted on at once. Elizabeth watched Mrs. Long struggle to free herself as two female dreadfuls bit into her head, cracking her skull like a walnut, and sending a shower of dark blood spouting as high as the chandeliers.

Still have a good chunk to go!