I am no one
"It takes time. I'm never truly alone. I just need to learn how to find more people. I'll make new friends and find new people. It'll just take a while."
It hurts to think that way. It hurts to expect people to be around me or to expect myself to find people. It hurts to find no one around and to keep hoping that someone will finally be there. It hurts to find no one online or find people who won't talk to you after you try sending them a hello. It hurts to think "Maybe I can talk to someone tomorrow" or "Maybe so-and-so won't be busy today." It hurts to think that I can keep this up while I have less and less people to interact with each day.
"You're never going to find anyone to fill the void of not having a close friend by your side. You're never going to find anyone, and you may as well just accept the fact that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life. Don't expect anything from anyone, because people change, and people leave. You're alone, and anyone appearing in your life is merely a temporary treat that won't last. Your friends are an illusion, and your hopes of finding a relationship are foolish dreams."
It feels better to believe in a harsher reality, because then I stop expecting someone to come through that door to keep me company. I'm not expecting Walter to come in and watch a movie with me. I'm not expecting Linda to give me a text message to tell me how she's doing. I'm not expecting my parents to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. (They called me today. They're "borrowing" more of my money.) I'm not expecting to meet friendly people wherever I go. I'm not expecting to achieve that sense of family I've always longed for. I'm not expecting to find the loving relationship that I've always failed to achieve.
This is what it's gonna feel like after I graduate, isn't it? I'm never going to have any children. I won't have any brothers or sisters. I won't have a boyfriend. I won't have a face to come home to. I won't have a home for the holidays. I won't have a smile for the weekends. I won't have a friendly voice for each day.
I don't want to be alone. But it feels better to accept it than to fight a losing battle.
Maybe I won't make a difference in the world. Maybe I won't become a good person. Maybe I'm destined to spend my entire life battling my emotions.
Maybe I should stop hoping for a better life. Maybe I should stop hoping to find a boyfriend.
All it took was one person, and he made everything feel so great. He was there. And when he wasn't, it wasn't so bad, because I knew he'd be there tomorrow or the next day. And people keep telling me that I have to learn to feel that way BY MYSELF? I have to learn how to feel that way with having only friends, the same friends who go home to their families for the holidays? The same friends who, out of the big handfuls that I have, I don't have enough to find at least one person to hang out with a day? I spent a lifetime in my childhood growing up alone, and now I have to spend days on end in my adult life doing the same?
You don't know how tiring it is to follow every piece of advice on your counselor's sheet of "Things to do to relieve loneliness." You don't know how tiring it is to reach out to people and fail or have limited success. You don't know how tiring it is to distract yourself with so many things. You don't know how much strength it takes me just to make myself feel okay.
I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with Liz and her family. I hope I feel better by then, or I hope spending time with them will cheer me up. Because this really sucks.
It's 3 in the morning, and I'm too distraught to sleep. Maybe I'll go for a walk outside in the freezing cold. Maybe I'll go die in the snow somewhere.
I wish someone were here. Someone. Anyone. A face. A friendly smile. Something. I'm tired of going to sleep and waking up to see and hear no one.
I know I'm not thinking clearly right now. But I can't do much about it.
Maybe if I hug this pillow tight enough and close my eyes, I can pretend that someone is here with me right now.
It hurts to think that way. It hurts to expect people to be around me or to expect myself to find people. It hurts to find no one around and to keep hoping that someone will finally be there. It hurts to find no one online or find people who won't talk to you after you try sending them a hello. It hurts to think "Maybe I can talk to someone tomorrow" or "Maybe so-and-so won't be busy today." It hurts to think that I can keep this up while I have less and less people to interact with each day.
"You're never going to find anyone to fill the void of not having a close friend by your side. You're never going to find anyone, and you may as well just accept the fact that you're going to be alone for the rest of your life. Don't expect anything from anyone, because people change, and people leave. You're alone, and anyone appearing in your life is merely a temporary treat that won't last. Your friends are an illusion, and your hopes of finding a relationship are foolish dreams."
It feels better to believe in a harsher reality, because then I stop expecting someone to come through that door to keep me company. I'm not expecting Walter to come in and watch a movie with me. I'm not expecting Linda to give me a text message to tell me how she's doing. I'm not expecting my parents to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. (They called me today. They're "borrowing" more of my money.) I'm not expecting to meet friendly people wherever I go. I'm not expecting to achieve that sense of family I've always longed for. I'm not expecting to find the loving relationship that I've always failed to achieve.
This is what it's gonna feel like after I graduate, isn't it? I'm never going to have any children. I won't have any brothers or sisters. I won't have a boyfriend. I won't have a face to come home to. I won't have a home for the holidays. I won't have a smile for the weekends. I won't have a friendly voice for each day.
I don't want to be alone. But it feels better to accept it than to fight a losing battle.
Maybe I won't make a difference in the world. Maybe I won't become a good person. Maybe I'm destined to spend my entire life battling my emotions.
Maybe I should stop hoping for a better life. Maybe I should stop hoping to find a boyfriend.
All it took was one person, and he made everything feel so great. He was there. And when he wasn't, it wasn't so bad, because I knew he'd be there tomorrow or the next day. And people keep telling me that I have to learn to feel that way BY MYSELF? I have to learn how to feel that way with having only friends, the same friends who go home to their families for the holidays? The same friends who, out of the big handfuls that I have, I don't have enough to find at least one person to hang out with a day? I spent a lifetime in my childhood growing up alone, and now I have to spend days on end in my adult life doing the same?
You don't know how tiring it is to follow every piece of advice on your counselor's sheet of "Things to do to relieve loneliness." You don't know how tiring it is to reach out to people and fail or have limited success. You don't know how tiring it is to distract yourself with so many things. You don't know how much strength it takes me just to make myself feel okay.
I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with Liz and her family. I hope I feel better by then, or I hope spending time with them will cheer me up. Because this really sucks.
It's 3 in the morning, and I'm too distraught to sleep. Maybe I'll go for a walk outside in the freezing cold. Maybe I'll go die in the snow somewhere.
I wish someone were here. Someone. Anyone. A face. A friendly smile. Something. I'm tired of going to sleep and waking up to see and hear no one.
I know I'm not thinking clearly right now. But I can't do much about it.
Maybe if I hug this pillow tight enough and close my eyes, I can pretend that someone is here with me right now.