Wanting to die but I can't.
I had to kick Patrick out. He was faking an illness so that he wouldn’t have to work or clean up after himself. I’m going to have a newborn baby in 90 days. I can’t deal with another man-child around.
I checked myself into a mental hospital. I wasn’t a danger to myself or others so they wouldn’t admit me. I did a 30-day intensive outpatient program. It didn’t help at all. All they wanted to do was throw different antidepressants at me. I don’t have a serotonin or dopamine deficiency, I have real problems in my life. The pills had no effect on me other than making me tired and giving me hot flashes.
I am supposed to go see my baby today. I paid for a 3D ultrasound. I’m taking Ayla and Miles. The appointment is in 2 hours and I’m laying here crying because I don’t have the energy to clean my house. I’ve offered to pay people but even that didn’t work.
The most useful advice that I’ve gotten from therapy is that people are complete shit and there’s literally nothing you can do about that. I tend to attract those with personality disorders because I was raised by a mother who had an obvious personality disorder… and had an older sister with one… and a father with one… and a grandmother with one… I fall for seemingly intelligent and charismatic people, later realizing that yeah, they might be narcissists and sociopaths. I expect different results from the same type of people because I’m crazy. That’s what crazy people do.
I thought I was just seeing the good in them, but no, I was creating it.
Tony’s birthday is tomorrow. He would have been 30. I am so mad at him. I know it was mental illness that took him, but I can’t help it. He was a grown man; he should have gotten himself help. Instead all he did was pass the pain to someone else and abandon his child.
I meet my new therapist tomorrow. I go back to work Saturday. I still have disability benefits remaining so if anything goes wrong, I will take leave again.. that is, if I can get a doctor to sign off on it. It’s only 60% of my pay but that is still more than what I’ve made at most jobs. 90 days until I can take maternity leave.
Well I’d better go shower.
I checked myself into a mental hospital. I wasn’t a danger to myself or others so they wouldn’t admit me. I did a 30-day intensive outpatient program. It didn’t help at all. All they wanted to do was throw different antidepressants at me. I don’t have a serotonin or dopamine deficiency, I have real problems in my life. The pills had no effect on me other than making me tired and giving me hot flashes.
I am supposed to go see my baby today. I paid for a 3D ultrasound. I’m taking Ayla and Miles. The appointment is in 2 hours and I’m laying here crying because I don’t have the energy to clean my house. I’ve offered to pay people but even that didn’t work.
The most useful advice that I’ve gotten from therapy is that people are complete shit and there’s literally nothing you can do about that. I tend to attract those with personality disorders because I was raised by a mother who had an obvious personality disorder… and had an older sister with one… and a father with one… and a grandmother with one… I fall for seemingly intelligent and charismatic people, later realizing that yeah, they might be narcissists and sociopaths. I expect different results from the same type of people because I’m crazy. That’s what crazy people do.
I thought I was just seeing the good in them, but no, I was creating it.
Tony’s birthday is tomorrow. He would have been 30. I am so mad at him. I know it was mental illness that took him, but I can’t help it. He was a grown man; he should have gotten himself help. Instead all he did was pass the pain to someone else and abandon his child.
I meet my new therapist tomorrow. I go back to work Saturday. I still have disability benefits remaining so if anything goes wrong, I will take leave again.. that is, if I can get a doctor to sign off on it. It’s only 60% of my pay but that is still more than what I’ve made at most jobs. 90 days until I can take maternity leave.
Well I’d better go shower.