I had the most wonderful day!
Well, first I woke up on time unlike yesterday. Then I took a shower in which I had time to relax and think unlike yesterday. I got everything done at work that I wanted to unlike yesterday. Ok so maybe yesterday was just a bad day.
But thanks for reading.
So tired of being boring. I think my silence has given me an air of mystery or at least people ask me stuff they should know about myself. Teri made a comment the other day not realizing how lonely I can get. As if she didn't know. Just because I don't gripe doesn't mean I'm not feeling it; I just got tired of hearing the same stories and words comming from my mouth dooming me to failure so I stopped repeating the same old tune. I still self-defeat in socializing, but I tend to be more quiet about it I think. Only my closest pals know. So I thought I'd lay that out here because now I'm tired of being silent. I'm fucking lonely. The loneliest person you can imagine. And there's no solution. Just have to wait. Despite wanting to be a teacher, despite wanting to learn to cook, despite wanted to write or learn or excercise, these are all things I want to do, but they are not things I truely care about. The one (or two) thing I care about is having someone to share all these components of myself with. And my friends are great. I love all you guys. It just isn't enough for me. Never was. So yeah, if this strikes a cord with any of you just give me a shout out. I don't know exactly who reads this even, but I bet most of you are taken or guys, maybe there're two single girls out there at the most I dunno. I just don't want a repeat of a few years ago where Janene asked me about me and girls. At the time I was a virgin, which she didn't know, and I had never had a gf, which she didn't know. That was absurd. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and on top of that, I'd had a crush on her for years. Had she ever taken the moment to wonder about these things, she's have had her answers. But I guess that's it, no one I'm into cares when I'm still into them. Teri is my closest friend around here, I tell her everything about everything (with words or otherwise) and her wondering if I was lonely just shocked me. If I don't go around bitching about myself does everyone just forget or care even less? Oh well. Renee's been calling me. I'm afraid to meet with her. I want her to do well in life, but I cannot allow her to become a part of mine. She was more dangerous to me as well as herself than I'm willing to cope with. It kills me not to play the hero, but I'm growing tired of all of my games. I need new metaphors. New brains. Oh well. Night ya'll.... I was done there. Then IMed a friend. I like my fucking games. God damn it. I enjoy being silly, and sensensical and using double entondras (sp?) and I just wish it didn't always leave me with the damn bitter aftertaste of lonliness and isolation. But what else can nonesense build besides walls? Here's to conversations that make us drunk with delight and fancy! Here's to the only guy in the room laughing!
(I attempted to go back and break this into paragraphs but I'm afaid my stream of consciousness doesn't flow that way. Sorry for the poor formatting)
But thanks for reading.
So tired of being boring. I think my silence has given me an air of mystery or at least people ask me stuff they should know about myself. Teri made a comment the other day not realizing how lonely I can get. As if she didn't know. Just because I don't gripe doesn't mean I'm not feeling it; I just got tired of hearing the same stories and words comming from my mouth dooming me to failure so I stopped repeating the same old tune. I still self-defeat in socializing, but I tend to be more quiet about it I think. Only my closest pals know. So I thought I'd lay that out here because now I'm tired of being silent. I'm fucking lonely. The loneliest person you can imagine. And there's no solution. Just have to wait. Despite wanting to be a teacher, despite wanting to learn to cook, despite wanted to write or learn or excercise, these are all things I want to do, but they are not things I truely care about. The one (or two) thing I care about is having someone to share all these components of myself with. And my friends are great. I love all you guys. It just isn't enough for me. Never was. So yeah, if this strikes a cord with any of you just give me a shout out. I don't know exactly who reads this even, but I bet most of you are taken or guys, maybe there're two single girls out there at the most I dunno. I just don't want a repeat of a few years ago where Janene asked me about me and girls. At the time I was a virgin, which she didn't know, and I had never had a gf, which she didn't know. That was absurd. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and on top of that, I'd had a crush on her for years. Had she ever taken the moment to wonder about these things, she's have had her answers. But I guess that's it, no one I'm into cares when I'm still into them. Teri is my closest friend around here, I tell her everything about everything (with words or otherwise) and her wondering if I was lonely just shocked me. If I don't go around bitching about myself does everyone just forget or care even less? Oh well. Renee's been calling me. I'm afraid to meet with her. I want her to do well in life, but I cannot allow her to become a part of mine. She was more dangerous to me as well as herself than I'm willing to cope with. It kills me not to play the hero, but I'm growing tired of all of my games. I need new metaphors. New brains. Oh well. Night ya'll.... I was done there. Then IMed a friend. I like my fucking games. God damn it. I enjoy being silly, and sensensical and using double entondras (sp?) and I just wish it didn't always leave me with the damn bitter aftertaste of lonliness and isolation. But what else can nonesense build besides walls? Here's to conversations that make us drunk with delight and fancy! Here's to the only guy in the room laughing!
(I attempted to go back and break this into paragraphs but I'm afaid my stream of consciousness doesn't flow that way. Sorry for the poor formatting)