Plymouth
I'm no longer depending on parents, i finally found my independance here, at uni, living with andy and yet... i'm afraid of being alone. Andy's gone back to Bristol, this is the first night i have been alone for 6 weeks. I'm looking up at the photos of all my friends and family on the pin board and i realise how much i miss everyone.
Things weren't the same this summer. We weren't school kids anymore. Everyone works all the time and everyone was tired when weren't working. I wasn't close to kirsty, the person who in the years before was my venture companion. So I worked over-time, I counted down the days until uni.
I get to uni and it is awesome there's no question, i really am enjoying it. Meeting new people, going out and actually dancing. But i miss clevedon, i miss feeling safe, i miss my friends because no one here compares to them.
sigur ros really isn't helping settle my emotions right now.
People treat me differently here. It's like they admire me, which is weird, but i get compliments all the time and everyone talks to me like an adult, rather than a silly girl. I am more confident, i talk more in seminars and share my opinion. I've never had this much confidence throughout school and college, orchestra, sunday school, girl guides, every institution i ever belonged to really. I was so shy.
I'm going to London tomorrow with Holly and i can't wait to see her as well as the art work!
I've been reading up about Rothko and i watched a film on him too. He wanted his artworks to make people feel miserable. At orchestra last night i was talking to people about an exhibition at uni and they were all saying how the work made the feel creeped out and awful.
This reminded me of my work during foundation, when at the exhibition a women shrieked with despair and said she felt as if she was in a nightmare. This was such a strong and shocking reaction and at the time i felt guilty for making her feel that way, but on reflection i realised it was an accomplishment to have had a reaction so strong to my work at all. Rothko said that his greatest achievement is creating work that made people break down and cry.
Where does my work come from? Why is it so dark? I know it comes from me, i often create it spontaneously without much of a plan, yet i don't understand where these deep, dark, heavy feelings derive from. I know i have some problems, though don't most people? Compared to others i don't feel that i have the right to even call the things on my mind 'problems'. Or perhaps me communicating the feelings that others can relate to is what affects them so? Even my doodles over the years have been so dark, i know some of it must be anxiety, i want to know what's going on in my subconcious mind. I realise my paintings are the result of it, from interpretation of them i can gan some understanding but not completely.
Things weren't the same this summer. We weren't school kids anymore. Everyone works all the time and everyone was tired when weren't working. I wasn't close to kirsty, the person who in the years before was my venture companion. So I worked over-time, I counted down the days until uni.
I get to uni and it is awesome there's no question, i really am enjoying it. Meeting new people, going out and actually dancing. But i miss clevedon, i miss feeling safe, i miss my friends because no one here compares to them.
sigur ros really isn't helping settle my emotions right now.
People treat me differently here. It's like they admire me, which is weird, but i get compliments all the time and everyone talks to me like an adult, rather than a silly girl. I am more confident, i talk more in seminars and share my opinion. I've never had this much confidence throughout school and college, orchestra, sunday school, girl guides, every institution i ever belonged to really. I was so shy.
I'm going to London tomorrow with Holly and i can't wait to see her as well as the art work!
I've been reading up about Rothko and i watched a film on him too. He wanted his artworks to make people feel miserable. At orchestra last night i was talking to people about an exhibition at uni and they were all saying how the work made the feel creeped out and awful.
This reminded me of my work during foundation, when at the exhibition a women shrieked with despair and said she felt as if she was in a nightmare. This was such a strong and shocking reaction and at the time i felt guilty for making her feel that way, but on reflection i realised it was an accomplishment to have had a reaction so strong to my work at all. Rothko said that his greatest achievement is creating work that made people break down and cry.
Where does my work come from? Why is it so dark? I know it comes from me, i often create it spontaneously without much of a plan, yet i don't understand where these deep, dark, heavy feelings derive from. I know i have some problems, though don't most people? Compared to others i don't feel that i have the right to even call the things on my mind 'problems'. Or perhaps me communicating the feelings that others can relate to is what affects them so? Even my doodles over the years have been so dark, i know some of it must be anxiety, i want to know what's going on in my subconcious mind. I realise my paintings are the result of it, from interpretation of them i can gan some understanding but not completely.