this boy
so it's been a super-long time since i've updated this, but it's been a super-long time since i've wanted to write anything. i need somewhere to talk about this and i don't really want it to be where just i can read it (like my diary) or where all my friends can read it (like myspace). if they all see it, i may be slightly embarrassed or they'll just all hate me or something i don't really know. but i especially don't want the person it concerns to read it. but i also really really do want him to know it.
so around christmas, december 28th actually, me and my friend scotty get invited to see a movie (Milk) with our friend Nelson and his b/f Billy. i love them to death and was super excited. then we get to Billy's community and his friend Ashley is there, who was in one of my classes, and their friend Oprah also, who i'd heard about but never met. then they say they are waiting for just one more person, Cory, who i had never met or heard of. he shows up in a minivan, we all get in, and suddenly are careening down 95 to boca to see this movie cause it's the only place it's playing and we're late. i was sitting in the very back seat behind the driver's side and all i could see of Cory was his hat. and that he was a bad driver. but for some reason i couldn't help wondering what he was like. i already liked him. i could tell, even though i knew it was ridiculous. we get to the movie and he drops us off to go park and the first time i actually see him is when he shows up in line beside me. he was really tall and it was kinda dark, but from what i gathered, he was pretty average-looking, but certainly not bad. i saw him one more time on christmas break, at a party, and i had been hoping and hoping to see him, but of course didn't say a word to him, and that night really ended up sucking for me so much, for a lot of reasons.
after school started again, i was texting Billy and i asked him when we were gonna see them again, and this is when i find out that Cory and Oprah both go to college in ft. myers. i didn't know at the time how often they visited but i was sure all hope was lost. i started talking to them both on myspace though, and seemed to hit it off with them. it was only about 2 weeks before they came to visit for the first time. by then, everyone was suspecting and asking questions and telling me he liked me and so on. i was excited but very girlish and nervous. i thought he was amazing. he had a lovely voice, he was sweet and quiet, but with a bubbly personality. i thought it interesting that he was religious, because i am so not, but his views aren't exactly traditional and i thought it would at least make for good conversation. most of our communication took place on myspace. cheesy i know, but it was easy. we texted too, but he was always busy and didn't like texting so they were usually short and ended whenever he stopped responding. but i was okay with it cause i knew he liked me and and it just wasn't a big deal.
he was the first to say, well write, something to me about where we were headed. he asked me a few questions, like about my ex boyfriends, because i had mentioned to him that a had several and they were all just for fun and didn't last, and he asked me where i saw myself in 5 years and what do i consider to be the purpose of dating. he said he wanted to be married by the time he was 25 or 26 and didn't see the point in dating unless you were working towards something like marriage. his mom married her first boyfriend and apparently he always had it in his head that he would marry his first girlfriend. i told him that high school just hadn't been my time for serious relationships because they were just trouble, but that i really liked him and was serious about him and wanted it to last. things like this would be said between us a few times in future, and he always seemed happy about it. as for the purpose of dating, i told him you can't decide ahead of time, well this is the person i want to date so this is the person i'm going to marry; dating is to figure out if that person is the person you are going to marry. relationships help you grow, learn about yourself and other people. this seemed to be okay with him. he told me the religious question wasn't a big deal, at least not yet. we said we'd talk about it, but we never did.
every time i saw him, which was about every two weeks, i always got excited and girly again, and always very sad when he left. we emailed back and forth, and texted usually at night, if for nothing else but to say good night. spring break came along and he and Oprah were here for a week. i saw him every day. and all i wanted was to be close to him while i could. i would of course have liked to talk to him more, but the only times we were really alone was really super late at night when i was too tired to really think. the weekend they went back to school was the weekend my spring break started. and i was having a bit of a crisis. i had planned to go visit them for a couple days with Ashley, but her dad said no and i went by myself. i stayed in Oprah's dorm. i love spending time with her, i think she is one of the best people i know to talk to and it's fun to just sit and hang out and talk to her. but of course i was hoping to spend time with Cory too. but the only time he was with us, he never sat near me. it was almost like he did it on purpose. if i was sitting on the couch by myself, he would sit on the chair on the opposite end of the couch. i was already really depressed, and had issues with some friends at home, and my mom was sick, and now after a week of cuddling, he suddenly barely even looked at me. needless to say, my getaway didn't exactly help clear my head. but i wouldn't have done much better at home.
once i got back, i was really upset and decided i needed to talk to him about it, and so i texted him. he said he was sorry, it's just that he wasn't really used to being with someone and he didn't think about things like that. i told him not to be sorry, it wasn't his fault, i was over-reacting, and he said that he did something, it upset me, he didn't want that and would try to avoid it in future. so now the end of the year was coming and he was bogged down with work. still managed to get one message from him on myspace every day, but most texts i sent him led to nothing or were ignored so i pretty much gave up. the next time they were to visit, Cory didn't come because he had too much homework. now, i know he was busy, but i couldn't help thinking that he could find 5 minutes in his day for a "hi how are you i'm fine sorry gotta go" conversation. i mean, he used to text me during his break at work or while he was getting ready for bed. surely downtime like that didn't just disappear? i tried to talk to him about it. he said he was sorry but that things tended to get dropped the lower they were on his priority list, which went god, family, school, friends. now, i assume i'd be in the friend category, but as a girlfriend (if that's what i was), i would expect to at least be on his mind a bit more.
anyway, the weeks went by and i started getting more and more upset about not ever talking to him. then, easter weekend, he decides he wants to come home. so he and Oprah get here friday night and we all go to the hookah bar. he sat next to me only because Ashley told him to. and even that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't moved because he had sat far away from me before. but he barely spoke to me, barely looked at me. it was as if i was less than a friend to him. an acquaintance, more like. a couple months ago it had been a totally different story. and i wondered what had happened. i ended up crying over it. a few times. i wrote to him saying that sometimes i felt as if he couldn't care less about me and he ignored it. i asked him why and he said because it was crazy talk. this was slightly reassuring, but i'm sure that was a lot of wishful thinking on my part. as it came down to the last few days before he came home for his break before summer classes, i started to get more pointed and eventually said that in my opinion, if you cared about someone, you would make an effort to communicate with them. he didn't respond. so a few days later i wrote again, still nothing.
the day he comes home, i get nothing. so the next day i text him saying "you really don't give a damn do you?" he played dumb. i told him to act like my existence means something to him or to just fucking tell me it doesn't. so then he's like "of course it does but i don't really see us working out and i want us to just be friends." that simple. could have been said ages ago. he said that easter weekend was his test to see if he felt anything and didn't, had been having doubts for a while, but wanted to have the conversation in person because that's when he's at his best. he didn't give any indication of that, however. never once even a "hey i want to talk to you when i get home."
he didn't think it was even remotely significant that for over two weeks, he just pretty much ignored me. doesn't think it would have changed the fact that i got angry if he would have said something earlier. he said that i needed a lot of attention and that he wasn't the type of person who was willing or able to devote any extra attention to one person, to the exclusion of everyone else. and yet he was the one who seemed so intent on having a relationship that was working towards something more serious. well i got news for ya buddy, relationships take work. when you are in a relationship with someone, there is a certain expectation that you make a certain amount of commitment to that person and put forth the effort required to build foundations for a strong bond. and honestly, i think even a friend should have thought my feelings worth the time needed to let me know what they were thinking. as a friend, i would think i mattered enough that they would recognize that the way they handled the situation was needlessly hurtful. but he won't even respond to the last message i sent him. what i want is to talk to him in person, like he was just oh so determined to do, and try to explain some of this to him. but i doubt that will happen. in the meantime i am just trying to move on with my life and ace my finals and not be sick anymore and try to have fun this summer.
so around christmas, december 28th actually, me and my friend scotty get invited to see a movie (Milk) with our friend Nelson and his b/f Billy. i love them to death and was super excited. then we get to Billy's community and his friend Ashley is there, who was in one of my classes, and their friend Oprah also, who i'd heard about but never met. then they say they are waiting for just one more person, Cory, who i had never met or heard of. he shows up in a minivan, we all get in, and suddenly are careening down 95 to boca to see this movie cause it's the only place it's playing and we're late. i was sitting in the very back seat behind the driver's side and all i could see of Cory was his hat. and that he was a bad driver. but for some reason i couldn't help wondering what he was like. i already liked him. i could tell, even though i knew it was ridiculous. we get to the movie and he drops us off to go park and the first time i actually see him is when he shows up in line beside me. he was really tall and it was kinda dark, but from what i gathered, he was pretty average-looking, but certainly not bad. i saw him one more time on christmas break, at a party, and i had been hoping and hoping to see him, but of course didn't say a word to him, and that night really ended up sucking for me so much, for a lot of reasons.
after school started again, i was texting Billy and i asked him when we were gonna see them again, and this is when i find out that Cory and Oprah both go to college in ft. myers. i didn't know at the time how often they visited but i was sure all hope was lost. i started talking to them both on myspace though, and seemed to hit it off with them. it was only about 2 weeks before they came to visit for the first time. by then, everyone was suspecting and asking questions and telling me he liked me and so on. i was excited but very girlish and nervous. i thought he was amazing. he had a lovely voice, he was sweet and quiet, but with a bubbly personality. i thought it interesting that he was religious, because i am so not, but his views aren't exactly traditional and i thought it would at least make for good conversation. most of our communication took place on myspace. cheesy i know, but it was easy. we texted too, but he was always busy and didn't like texting so they were usually short and ended whenever he stopped responding. but i was okay with it cause i knew he liked me and and it just wasn't a big deal.
he was the first to say, well write, something to me about where we were headed. he asked me a few questions, like about my ex boyfriends, because i had mentioned to him that a had several and they were all just for fun and didn't last, and he asked me where i saw myself in 5 years and what do i consider to be the purpose of dating. he said he wanted to be married by the time he was 25 or 26 and didn't see the point in dating unless you were working towards something like marriage. his mom married her first boyfriend and apparently he always had it in his head that he would marry his first girlfriend. i told him that high school just hadn't been my time for serious relationships because they were just trouble, but that i really liked him and was serious about him and wanted it to last. things like this would be said between us a few times in future, and he always seemed happy about it. as for the purpose of dating, i told him you can't decide ahead of time, well this is the person i want to date so this is the person i'm going to marry; dating is to figure out if that person is the person you are going to marry. relationships help you grow, learn about yourself and other people. this seemed to be okay with him. he told me the religious question wasn't a big deal, at least not yet. we said we'd talk about it, but we never did.
every time i saw him, which was about every two weeks, i always got excited and girly again, and always very sad when he left. we emailed back and forth, and texted usually at night, if for nothing else but to say good night. spring break came along and he and Oprah were here for a week. i saw him every day. and all i wanted was to be close to him while i could. i would of course have liked to talk to him more, but the only times we were really alone was really super late at night when i was too tired to really think. the weekend they went back to school was the weekend my spring break started. and i was having a bit of a crisis. i had planned to go visit them for a couple days with Ashley, but her dad said no and i went by myself. i stayed in Oprah's dorm. i love spending time with her, i think she is one of the best people i know to talk to and it's fun to just sit and hang out and talk to her. but of course i was hoping to spend time with Cory too. but the only time he was with us, he never sat near me. it was almost like he did it on purpose. if i was sitting on the couch by myself, he would sit on the chair on the opposite end of the couch. i was already really depressed, and had issues with some friends at home, and my mom was sick, and now after a week of cuddling, he suddenly barely even looked at me. needless to say, my getaway didn't exactly help clear my head. but i wouldn't have done much better at home.
once i got back, i was really upset and decided i needed to talk to him about it, and so i texted him. he said he was sorry, it's just that he wasn't really used to being with someone and he didn't think about things like that. i told him not to be sorry, it wasn't his fault, i was over-reacting, and he said that he did something, it upset me, he didn't want that and would try to avoid it in future. so now the end of the year was coming and he was bogged down with work. still managed to get one message from him on myspace every day, but most texts i sent him led to nothing or were ignored so i pretty much gave up. the next time they were to visit, Cory didn't come because he had too much homework. now, i know he was busy, but i couldn't help thinking that he could find 5 minutes in his day for a "hi how are you i'm fine sorry gotta go" conversation. i mean, he used to text me during his break at work or while he was getting ready for bed. surely downtime like that didn't just disappear? i tried to talk to him about it. he said he was sorry but that things tended to get dropped the lower they were on his priority list, which went god, family, school, friends. now, i assume i'd be in the friend category, but as a girlfriend (if that's what i was), i would expect to at least be on his mind a bit more.
anyway, the weeks went by and i started getting more and more upset about not ever talking to him. then, easter weekend, he decides he wants to come home. so he and Oprah get here friday night and we all go to the hookah bar. he sat next to me only because Ashley told him to. and even that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't moved because he had sat far away from me before. but he barely spoke to me, barely looked at me. it was as if i was less than a friend to him. an acquaintance, more like. a couple months ago it had been a totally different story. and i wondered what had happened. i ended up crying over it. a few times. i wrote to him saying that sometimes i felt as if he couldn't care less about me and he ignored it. i asked him why and he said because it was crazy talk. this was slightly reassuring, but i'm sure that was a lot of wishful thinking on my part. as it came down to the last few days before he came home for his break before summer classes, i started to get more pointed and eventually said that in my opinion, if you cared about someone, you would make an effort to communicate with them. he didn't respond. so a few days later i wrote again, still nothing.
the day he comes home, i get nothing. so the next day i text him saying "you really don't give a damn do you?" he played dumb. i told him to act like my existence means something to him or to just fucking tell me it doesn't. so then he's like "of course it does but i don't really see us working out and i want us to just be friends." that simple. could have been said ages ago. he said that easter weekend was his test to see if he felt anything and didn't, had been having doubts for a while, but wanted to have the conversation in person because that's when he's at his best. he didn't give any indication of that, however. never once even a "hey i want to talk to you when i get home."
he didn't think it was even remotely significant that for over two weeks, he just pretty much ignored me. doesn't think it would have changed the fact that i got angry if he would have said something earlier. he said that i needed a lot of attention and that he wasn't the type of person who was willing or able to devote any extra attention to one person, to the exclusion of everyone else. and yet he was the one who seemed so intent on having a relationship that was working towards something more serious. well i got news for ya buddy, relationships take work. when you are in a relationship with someone, there is a certain expectation that you make a certain amount of commitment to that person and put forth the effort required to build foundations for a strong bond. and honestly, i think even a friend should have thought my feelings worth the time needed to let me know what they were thinking. as a friend, i would think i mattered enough that they would recognize that the way they handled the situation was needlessly hurtful. but he won't even respond to the last message i sent him. what i want is to talk to him in person, like he was just oh so determined to do, and try to explain some of this to him. but i doubt that will happen. in the meantime i am just trying to move on with my life and ace my finals and not be sick anymore and try to have fun this summer.