What the fuck am I doing?
Everyone wants to know how DC is going. What am I up to? Hows life? Well as of right now it sucks. I mean really when you look at the logical side of it yeah lifes good, but on the emotional side it fucking sucks. I make enough money to pay my rent, go to a movie every now and then, and go out about once a week sometimes not even that. I am so drained. I just hate getting up every day to work at my shitty job at the Spy Museum. I mean they pay decent money and all but I feel like im not accomplishing anything by working there. I just can't afford to take any risks right now. And with all the drama at work it sucks to even go there. I'm not going to write about whats going on because the people that should know already do and if you don't sorry, i've bothered enough people with my problems. I just hate having no one in my life. I hate that I go to work, come home, and sit and watch dvd's at night. I have no one to speak to that thinks the same way I do and talking on AIM isn't the same. I just want someone to be ther pyhsically. I'm tired of being the friend in all of relationships with girls. I fucking hate that. I hate seeing people I truly care about go from guy to guy and then break-up and find someone else. People in DC aren't friendly at all. If your not in your out. It is a very fake and dreary place to live. It reminds me of the scene in Swingers when Michael goes to talk to the girl at the party and she's like what kind of a car do you drive? Fuck cars, take the metro. I'm getting older and not finding someone is going to be harder and harder for me and I just don't feel like trying when it comes down to it. I think I just pretend that im happy when im really not at all. Come to think of it I don't even know what truly makes me happy. I try and compinsate with other things but those things just don't do it. I want to do so much more with my life but I can't, I'm stuck here. I can't move back home there's nothing there, and what I really want to do, go to graduate school, I can't do becuase I can't afford it. I mean I still have to take the GRE and I'm no good at standaredized tests so I know thats not going to make me feel any better or get scholarships for that matter. I feel like my soul if floating above me looking down at a dissapointing person. I feel like I put too much faith in other people, and I try and think everyone is good when they are not. I just want to have what others have and I know thats not going to happen. Not until I get a an awesome job and making beaucoup bucks, but then i'll just be one of them pretentious and snobby not appreciating what I really have. But then again maybe I won't, maybe since I have been in this rut for so long I will break the mold. Music is nmot soothing my pain anymore like it did in high school and college, it just fuels my unhappiness. I just want to move some where else I guess when it comes down to it. I just want to be in a friendly city where people are chill and not concerned with being one of the many extremes of the social and political spectrum like many people are in DC. Fuck. I'm tired of putting on my happy front. I am not happy and things aren't going good I really hate evereything about what I have done so far moving down to DC. I mean I have never been so happy when I was out in LA with CTY, that was an amazing experience and I met some cool people as well. I just feel deep down that I have not learned everything I need to learn and that I really need to go to Grad school and get a higher degree. But that might not be the best option either, since all the jobs here in DC are either with the government or with shitty non-profits. And I will never work for a world peace, help this, save that organization. Although they all have admirable aims they are all junk. They are like good drug dealers, give us money and you will get a good piece of mind and a tax right off. Retarded. Another issue I have is with race down in DC. I mean come on how hard is it to get a job at McDonald's? seriously get a job leave me alone, I'm not borrowing you money til next week when you get your undeserved welfare check. I do have a lot of respect for Hispanics in DC. Man those people work their asses off for dirt wages, sellling fruit, cleaning buildins and offices, doing construction, or working at a resturant. If onyl everyone white, black, yellow, pink had thier work ethic. I mean I don't even think I could do the shit they do everyday. Now I am just ranting on and on. I really need this though you don't even know. O well I have to get going now becuase I have to get up at 8 to get on the metro to be to work by 9:30 then get out of work and go to work again at 5pm then go back on the metro and come back to my cold and empty apartment to go to sleep to do it all again just so I can say I live in DC. I MADE MANY SPELLING ERRORS DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!