my journal, read or not, dont matter i write it anyway

[zanza34]

Well as it seems i do have some time to sit down and write in this thing at the moment and i think i shall put it to good use. My life has been busy, but it has also been enjoyable. Everyone is gone on mission trip this week, i wish i was there with them but thats part of having a job is having to work even at times you really dont want to. I've had alot of things on my mind recently, somethings that constantly stay on them and some that just flicker and go and just happen. Alot in my life is going to be different soon... and as that time approaches my mind wanders... sometimes thats good sometimes not. As i am sure anyone that knows me knows that i am not a normal person by any leaps or bounds. I'm weird, i am nutty... and just otherwise unlike most. I have yet to determine if thats a good or bad thing. Anyway, i also have this thing where if my mind is made up on something its near impossible to change, because it takes quite a bit for me to concrete myself in something. There were times i have questioned alot about myself and my motives but i gave it to the Big Man and He helped me sort my thoughts out. Its amazing how opposite and similar emotion and logic are. Without one the other cannot exist, and yet they contridict each other quite often. I wont lie there are times i wish i was more normal and had grown up in more normal circumstances, but upon talking with my accountability partner on that i feel alot better about that playing a large part of making me who, or what i am today. Its amazing how much of an effect some words of encouragement and recriprication of emotion can do for a person who is not used to getting either of those. It also ties back into you never ever know who is watching you... no pressure eh? and you may never know the impact you have made on someone, so if anyone tells you that you have affected them a great deal take that with a very big smile on your face and joy in your heart because that is truly and accomplishment. You will be lucky if you find one, or two people like that in your life, and trust me you know them when you find them. And yes i suppose one can tie these things that i have written down back to love, because it holds true there as well, for if you are fortunate enough to find someone you truly love and get that feeling that only the ones of us who have been submersed in love can understand the feeling. Then dont let it just go if you see signs of impedement. I know for me, if i am happy and it lasts for a while, that during the later hours of my rising my mind drifts. I get to thinking that i dont deserve any of the things i have in my life, and especially not the one i love. And that problem had been quite big until i got it out last night, and i just let it out to someone other than my own mind. I know you have said many times you dont need thanks, you dont ask for them, but no matter, Thank you for everything and without your willingness to bear with me on alot i cant guarantee you i would have stopped that habit. I had tried before and had made little to no change in it....... Its just amazing how if your one who tends to be pessimistic how much that changes when your living your life for someone other than yourself... It really is awe inspiring. But as the night draws on i dont want to put everything on my mind here so i shall leave you guys with a quote, and you can take it how you may.

"Dreams only die when the person who has them loses the courage to pursue them, so chase after your dreams with all your might, and pray that they may come true."