Well and people wonder why im crazy
Oh boy wendsday, well it has been a decent day i have had much better and much worse though. Well another court thing coming up, my car is totaled gone not coming back. Yea so no car for josh until he can buy his own joy..... Then on top of all that they are uping the hours at work and may make us work saturdays from now on. I really hope not i dont think i could stand that at the moment. Im surronded by negativity most of the time at work and home. I usually handle it well but today its just been there in bulk, im gonna go nuts. My mother has decided that i am just a bad kid and that i hate her guts because i tell her how i feel on things and dont sugar coat them. Im sorry if you cant handle the truth dont ask me for it. Well on top of that and i have let my mind wander on somethings and the results that have come back from those contemplations have been quite interesting. I want to be happy and i just cant be. Im only happy when im out of the house for a while, sometimes at work, and just about always when im at church. I want to know what its like to not go through life all bummed out and just be happy and enjoy it once and a while. My friends help me alot, but its just hard for me to be happy without them. The other thing that came to my mind when i was thinking was the whole issue of love. I see alot of my friends (everywhere) that have great relationships and that brings me joy, but i also think will that ever be me? I want to know what its like to be loved, and to just not be the one who shows it, i would like to see what a mutal love is like. I really wonder sometimes if i am fated to walk the rest of my days alone. I have had people tell me oh yea you will make someone a great boyfriend one day, psh maybe but will that one day ever come? I know it may seem frivilous to some, and this may seem like jibberish, but i just want to be happy and appreciated... I know i am by some people but its not that, i want to be that one person someone turns to when there day was bad. I want to be the rock that is steady for that one person. I want to be loved for who i am, not what i can give. I want to know that im a reason someone can get up with a smile on thier face, i just want to feel needed. I know i can turn to my friends for help and its greatly appreciated and often is alot of what pulls me through, but this is something they cant fix. I gotta work through it and maybe i can.