Stuff in my head
To the driver of the green 1994 aerostar minivan that goes 5mph uphill and 82mph downhill, please get out of my way and then subsequently off my ass. It appears as though you are operating on one halfheartedly functioning cylinder and are relying mostly on momentum at this point.
So I've been thinking a lot lately about sex and fidelity. Had a good long talk about it with the loverboy too. We agree that open relationships aren't for us, and this makes me happy. He means well, he really does. But when he says that the main reason he doesn't have sex with other people is that past experience has taught him he can't guarantee he won't get caught, I freak out a little. Not because I want him to screw other people, I like that he doesn't. I want to know there are other reasons that come to his mind before the fact that he would get caught. And he would, believe me. MY past experiences have taught me suspicion. In previous relationships I rarely suspected my partner of any wrongdoing. Now I am always hunting for something, always on the lookout. I'm not exactly expecting it, but I won't be caught by surprise. I wasn't always this way, and I hate how I've changed.
Now back to the issue of not cheating because you know you'll get caught. It's a pretty good reason, seeing as how the cheated upon partner would be hurt by it. So, the reasoning of not wanting to be caught could be viewed as protecting one's partner. However, the way I feel about my partner and my relationship makes my reasoning a bit different. I simply cannot entertain the idea of relations with someone else without feeling ill. I don't look at other people in a sexual way (unless you are counting porn, and in that case who can help it?). I don't feel urges and such towards others because I DON'T WANT OTHER PEOPLE. I have no feelings for others because I don't have room for them. The feelings I have for my partner completely fill and occupy me. I am happy this way.
In our culture where everything and everyone is disposable, I want my most important bond to be kept sacred. I dont' want sex thrown in my face, it makes me sick. I am not a prude, I appreciate human beauty, I love sex. But I want some things to be reserved. I have to sanctify my own life in this way because the world sure as hell isn't going to do it for me.
This is what I want. I want someone who doesn't screw around. I want someone who wouldn't screw around even if I said they could, even if I didn't care if they did. I want someone who wants only me, who can't help but want only me. I want that kind of devotion, and I deserve that.
I am happy where I am, for the most part.
So I've been thinking a lot lately about sex and fidelity. Had a good long talk about it with the loverboy too. We agree that open relationships aren't for us, and this makes me happy. He means well, he really does. But when he says that the main reason he doesn't have sex with other people is that past experience has taught him he can't guarantee he won't get caught, I freak out a little. Not because I want him to screw other people, I like that he doesn't. I want to know there are other reasons that come to his mind before the fact that he would get caught. And he would, believe me. MY past experiences have taught me suspicion. In previous relationships I rarely suspected my partner of any wrongdoing. Now I am always hunting for something, always on the lookout. I'm not exactly expecting it, but I won't be caught by surprise. I wasn't always this way, and I hate how I've changed.
Now back to the issue of not cheating because you know you'll get caught. It's a pretty good reason, seeing as how the cheated upon partner would be hurt by it. So, the reasoning of not wanting to be caught could be viewed as protecting one's partner. However, the way I feel about my partner and my relationship makes my reasoning a bit different. I simply cannot entertain the idea of relations with someone else without feeling ill. I don't look at other people in a sexual way (unless you are counting porn, and in that case who can help it?). I don't feel urges and such towards others because I DON'T WANT OTHER PEOPLE. I have no feelings for others because I don't have room for them. The feelings I have for my partner completely fill and occupy me. I am happy this way.
In our culture where everything and everyone is disposable, I want my most important bond to be kept sacred. I dont' want sex thrown in my face, it makes me sick. I am not a prude, I appreciate human beauty, I love sex. But I want some things to be reserved. I have to sanctify my own life in this way because the world sure as hell isn't going to do it for me.
This is what I want. I want someone who doesn't screw around. I want someone who wouldn't screw around even if I said they could, even if I didn't care if they did. I want someone who wants only me, who can't help but want only me. I want that kind of devotion, and I deserve that.
I am happy where I am, for the most part.