Pondering
am·bi·tion : \am-ˈbi-shən\ noun
1 a: an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power b: desire to achieve a particular end2: the object of ambition ambition is to start her own business>3: a desire for activity or exertion ambition>
Once again it is late at night and I have spent far too much time in the last few days shut away in my own head; which always leads to pondering. Tonight I ponder ambition; or rather the lack there of.
It has been my long standing belief that ambition (in what ever form it takes) requires passion. There are many things in my life that I am truly passionate about, but I shy away form pursuing any of them to become an integral part of my daily life, be it my work or my hobbies. It is as if I fear doing anything that I am truly passionate about, as if I fear ambition. This is where my pondering has brought me.
I can not figure out if I leaned at a young age to abandon my passions and subsequently my ambition, or if it something that I have learned over the course of my life through trial and error. Secondarily do I fear the success or the failure of my efforts?
I was taught growing up that I could be anything that I dreamed of being. I wonder now if that is true. If I truly dedicated myself to being what I dream would I succeed, or is that something that parents tell their children to protect them from the realities of this world?
Am I smart enough to realize that my passions are things that are fun to think about but in reality would never actualize, or am I dumb enough to hold myself back because of fear?
I question if I fear not only the success or failure my efforts, but the effort itself. Do I fear the work it would take to pursue my passions? Have I gotten to the point where I am just comfortable enough with my reality on most days to convince myself that the time and effort to do more is just too great, the work load too overwhelming? Untimely, am I lazy?
I feel as thought I am waiting for a sign, be it divine or otherwise that will tell me “Yes, follow this path, this will take you to where you wish to go, you will not fail, and in the end you will find that satisfaction and contentment that you have been searching for”. I feel as thought without that the risk is too great, the effort to much to tackle. I need a safety net before I jump.
I know that the step I need to take to achieve what I want will not be handed to me. I know that I just need to take the leap and hope I land in a semi-upright position with all of me relatively still intact. I must take a leap of faith, a faith that I am strong enough, smart enough and resilient enough to take whatever comes from jumping.
So I guess my pondering has brought me to me. I have, like any good therapy patient, answered my own thoughts with a mirror. It is not that I lack passion or ambition, it is not that I fear failure or success, I don’t think I even fear the work it would take to get me to my goal, nor have I become to comfortable in my life; for if I had I would not be spending this amount of time wondering how to move on. There is absolutely nothing in my way except for myself. A lack of faith, esteem, or trust in myself, is the only thing holding me back from following my passions, dreams and goals.
Wow. That is a harsh reflection to be staring at……………
1 a: an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power b: desire to achieve a particular end2: the object of ambition ambition is to start her own business>3: a desire for activity or exertion ambition>
Once again it is late at night and I have spent far too much time in the last few days shut away in my own head; which always leads to pondering. Tonight I ponder ambition; or rather the lack there of.
It has been my long standing belief that ambition (in what ever form it takes) requires passion. There are many things in my life that I am truly passionate about, but I shy away form pursuing any of them to become an integral part of my daily life, be it my work or my hobbies. It is as if I fear doing anything that I am truly passionate about, as if I fear ambition. This is where my pondering has brought me.
I can not figure out if I leaned at a young age to abandon my passions and subsequently my ambition, or if it something that I have learned over the course of my life through trial and error. Secondarily do I fear the success or the failure of my efforts?
I was taught growing up that I could be anything that I dreamed of being. I wonder now if that is true. If I truly dedicated myself to being what I dream would I succeed, or is that something that parents tell their children to protect them from the realities of this world?
Am I smart enough to realize that my passions are things that are fun to think about but in reality would never actualize, or am I dumb enough to hold myself back because of fear?
I question if I fear not only the success or failure my efforts, but the effort itself. Do I fear the work it would take to pursue my passions? Have I gotten to the point where I am just comfortable enough with my reality on most days to convince myself that the time and effort to do more is just too great, the work load too overwhelming? Untimely, am I lazy?
I feel as thought I am waiting for a sign, be it divine or otherwise that will tell me “Yes, follow this path, this will take you to where you wish to go, you will not fail, and in the end you will find that satisfaction and contentment that you have been searching for”. I feel as thought without that the risk is too great, the effort to much to tackle. I need a safety net before I jump.
I know that the step I need to take to achieve what I want will not be handed to me. I know that I just need to take the leap and hope I land in a semi-upright position with all of me relatively still intact. I must take a leap of faith, a faith that I am strong enough, smart enough and resilient enough to take whatever comes from jumping.
So I guess my pondering has brought me to me. I have, like any good therapy patient, answered my own thoughts with a mirror. It is not that I lack passion or ambition, it is not that I fear failure or success, I don’t think I even fear the work it would take to get me to my goal, nor have I become to comfortable in my life; for if I had I would not be spending this amount of time wondering how to move on. There is absolutely nothing in my way except for myself. A lack of faith, esteem, or trust in myself, is the only thing holding me back from following my passions, dreams and goals.
Wow. That is a harsh reflection to be staring at……………