my silence - copyrighted

[zanmoran]

So this is old, about four years, but i thought I'd compare this poem with the one that follows. Four years and the same situations still cause the same pain.

my silence

i am silent, eerily silent
yet i am screaming deep within me
my soul is screetching a sound so wretched,
the devil rejoices in it’s voice
as my soul screams
my heart weeps
crying an ugly jagged noise
and when the Angels hear it
They break
and though these sounds,
these terrible sounds,
come from within me
i show nothing,
NOTHING on the outside
for i can no longer feel it
i do not let myself feel it
i just let myself be used
like a doormat
something that says:
“Welcome,
come wipe Your feet on my face”
because a part of me has given up
i walk numb through my life
Feeling, Showing nothing
so i can no longer hurt
so i can no longer let myself be hurt
for feeling nothing is better
better than the pain and hurt i feel
better than the betrayal and heartbreak i feel
yet somewhere within me
Something argues
it tells me that if i cannot hurt,
i cannot live
for life has it’s pain,
however long it may stay,
but if you cannot feel pain,
you cannot feel the joy life has
and with that idea,
the numbness disappears
and everything crashes down
so when my soul screams that wretched scream,
You can hear me screaming along
and when my heart cries
You can hear my ugly jagged sobs
for i am not a doormat,
though welcome is what i say
I say
just as I say that I shall Live
and Feel and Cry and Scream
and when you treat me like that
like I have no Life that is worth to Live
I will stop you
for you can no longer wipe your feet on My face
so instead of screaming within Me,
I will scream at you
I’m no longer silent.

-zan