(no subject)
He canceled. As usual, it's not his fault, so it's not really fair to be mad at him. And this is far from the first time he cancels last-minute, so I should pretty much used to it. And I had the girls to hang out with, so I didn't feel as pathetic as I should have about being stood up.
But when he called to apologize, and then tell me that it'll be another two weeks before he can book out again, I just...I don't know. Broke.
Okay, I actually cried. I don't know really know why. I can't really remember crying over anything to with him - even if I did, it probably wasn't a big deal, since I can't remember. But today - oh God, I don't know. When he started promising, as usual, that'd he'd make up for it, that if I really need him I just have to call, I was thinking, "I'm so sick of this." I just couldn't say it out loud.
These past few months especially...I've been so close to telling I want a break. A time-off. Just stop for a while. I know this has to be hard on him too...But God, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of scrambling to keep my schedule free to meet him, not because he asks me too, but because I want to see him. I'm tired of looking forward to seeing him and then ending up crushed when he cancels. I'm really tired constantly wondering when the heck I'll see him next. It's really not as bad as it could have been. It used to be a lot worse - I'd see him once a month back then, if I was lucky. With his new posting I'll probably see him on most weekends. And while I don't tell him, I know he sees that I'm frustrated. He's been trying to call more often, he occasionally kisses ass to get a day off so he can see me. But I'm bloody fucking horrible. He's doing so much, but I just don't have the energy to keep this up. I don't know if I want to.
It's so bloody late now...I'll just keep making less and less sense if I keep writing.