Comments | zanfur: Sexual Exclusivity 101

zanfur

Sexual Exclusivity 101

Aug 19, 2006 20:20

I don't understand the reasoning behind limiting yourself to one sexual partner. I mean, it's just another physical act, like going on a rollercoaster, or kissing, or dancing. It just seems rather arbitrary to me ( Read more... )

questions, relationships, rants, philosophy, psychology

Comments 67

jezel August 20 2006, 03:38:18 UTC

Hon, you already know the answer to that. While you see it as similar to dancing and a rollercoaster ride, most other people don't. They feel emotionally attached to the people they have sex with, and feel territorial about them. That could be evolutionary, or it could be culture-based. Either way, you're best to stick to other people who feel the same way that you do about sex, and therefore tend to have more partners.

feignedapathy August 20 2006, 03:43:37 UTC

hey, iawtc. I clicked this post, said, "I'm not touching that," and clicked away. This pretty much does it.

And I'm definitely not religious.

zanfur August 20 2006, 03:52:05 UTC

query: Does "iawtc" mean "I agree with that comment"? Yay for context and all that, but it's a new one to me.

feignedapathy August 20 2006, 03:52:30 UTC

You got it. :)

Thread 13

(The comment has been removed)

zanfur August 20 2006, 06:06:45 UTC

Would you mind separating "comfortable" and "societal expectations" more clearly? I'm probably just missing something obvious, but those seem like the same thing at first glance.

Congratulations on your recent marriage, by the way! I'd still like to get coffee sometime, when your schedule slows down a bit.

(The comment has been removed)

zanfur August 21 2006, 18:51:30 UTC

Lunch in Seatown sounds grand. My lunch hours are incredibly flexible, except on Tuesdays. What day will you be doing your DOL thing?

Thread 8

ex_tara_fir August 20 2006, 05:08:12 UTC

Sex is just a different thing for different people. I'm one of the "only one partner" people, myself. It just means something different to me than it does to those who are not "only one partner" people. And that's neither better nor worse, just different.

zanfur August 20 2006, 05:55:10 UTC

What does sex mean to you? I know what it means to me, and I know that it means different things to me depending on who the other party is, but I don't know what it means to other people.

ex_tara_fir August 20 2006, 07:47:22 UTC

It's kind of cliche, but to me it is (beyond just being fun) an extremely personal expression of love that I reserve only for my romantic partner. It also can be something of a spiritual act for me (not to be confused for religious, since I'm agnostic). Of course, I recognize that everyone's take on sex is their own and I don't pretend to think mine is the "correct" take.

zanfur August 21 2006, 18:59:03 UTC

I've often wondered: Is it the fact that you do it exclusively as a personal expression of love that makes it such a personal expression of love, or is it something that can be done as a personal expression of love even if that's not the only time you do it? What do you think?

In my experience, it can be a very personal expression of love, even if that's not the only time it happens. I call that "making love" to differentiate it from other sex, and it really feels different. I also have had sex just fuck, and that's not so personal or loving. But, if there's something extra that comes from using it only as such an expression, it's been so long since that was the case that I've forgotten it.

No worries, I completely understand the difference between "spiritual" and "religious". I'm pantheist myself, very spiritual, not religious much at all.

Thread 9

omgnatalie August 20 2006, 05:52:29 UTC

i like to feel a deep, unyielding bond with whoever im having sex with.

i think because im a woman, if i have sex with someone i dont love, i feel used afterward. its a terrible feeling, and i think that sex (although it is, in definition, purely a physical act) should be MORE than just sex. it should be something that you do with someone you really care about. it shouldnt just be some primal thing that you do with whoever.

and i have a hard time believing you have ever had any feelings for anyone that went beyond "liking" them. i cant see how you could love someone and want to fuck someone else. it doesnt make sense to me.

zanfur August 20 2006, 06:05:11 UTC

Ugh. I know what you mean. I've had exactly one one night stand, and I felt kinda gross afterwards. I don't think I'll ever do that again.

I don't know about "should" be more than a physical act, but I do know that it's much more satisfying to me when I actually care about the person. Orders of magnitude better. It's like the ultimate expression of a hug, mutually expressing that you care. Sex when I don't care much about the person just kinda feels like a notch above masturbation. Still, masturbation does feel kinda nice.

I don't know what to say to the "liking" comment. I'm certain I've loved, and loved deeply. I think my requirements for liking someone enough to sleep with them are probably much lower than yours, though. I go to "clothing optional" parties, where kissing strangers is common, and in general the touch/sexuality barrier just doesn't really exist (and no, there are no drugs involved, often not even alcohol). Things are a little different when you're making out with each other merely as friends.

pixxelpuss August 20 2006, 15:48:21 UTC

I'm just jumping in randomly, here, but Do you know what she means? While you're as subject to societal expectations of monogamy as anyone else (you defy them), you weren't raised female, and as such haven't had decades of powerful socialization telling you to feel used or ashamed for expressing your sexuality outside of a loving monogamous relationship. Sexual expectations for men are vastly different from those for women. I don't mean to criticize, but it is worth noting that we often Do experience the world as gendered individuals ( ... )

zanfur August 21 2006, 19:06:19 UTC

I hadn't considered it, but I think you're right. I'd feel gross about it for very different reasons. I don't have that moral structure. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't were I female, either, but that's mainly due to my parents explicitly and thoroughly stripping me of a lot of societal brainwashing, including the sex-related mumbo-jumbo.

The basic psychological level reward for fitting in what I was referring to by "religious preference", above. I essentially meant, "Is it just a 'Drinking the Kool-Aid' issue?" but didn't really know how to word it at the time.

Thread 5

cow August 20 2006, 06:50:12 UTC

Everyone's already answered the commitment angle, so I figured I'd ask...

> STD's are now an issue, of course, but if you're concerned about that you can both get tested first and exchange test results,

Don't some diseases take longer (i.e. months) to show up on tests? That's a pretty scary window in between. (I often wonder about the disease level in certain subsets of the poly community.)

pixxelpuss August 20 2006, 15:51:58 UTC

You're probably thinking of HIV, and yes there's a hefty window there. I think that's because it takes awhile to build up sufficient viral load to measure. Also, there are plenty of STDs that are transmitted in spite of safe sex. There is some research indicating that herpes can be spread between outbreaks via viral shedding, and crabs, scabies, chancroid, and HPV can all be transmitted through skin to skin contact without penetration occurring.

ariata August 20 2006, 17:57:56 UTC

http://www.stdresource.com/concern/c1_d_3_a.php

The incubation period for Gonorrhea is usually 2 to 7 days.

Chlamydia
The incubation period for Chlamydia is usually 2 to 6 weeks, but can be longer.

Syphilis
The incubation period for Syphilis is usually 10 to 90 days.

HIV
The window period for HIV is usually 2 weeks to 3 months, but could be up to 6 months.

Hepatitis A
The incubation period for Hepatitis A is 15 to 50 days.

Hepatitis B
The incubation period for Hepatitis B is usually 45-180 days, with an average of 60 to 90 days.

Hepatitis C
The incubation period for Hepatitis C ranges from 2 weeks to 6 months - commonly, 6 to 9 weeks.

lumiere August 21 2006, 12:07:31 UTC

Window periods depend on the test method used. The newest HIV tests are sensitive 12 days after infection. Talk to your testing provider about the window periods for the tests they use, and have your partner(s) talk to theirs.

Or, use this handy list of FDA-approved donor-screening and HIV tests and do some investigation of your own.

Hepatitis: Hep A & B have vaccines. The vaccine for Hep B will protect against Hep D. Hep E is rare in the U.S., and not chronic. Hep C is blood-born, and rarely transmitted via sexual contact. (Blood play could be a different matter though.)

HPV has a vaccine, approved in the U.S. for women aged 9-26. It's being tested in men currently. HPV has a direct test that determines the presence of HPV and which strains are present, but it's only used for research and for cancer treatment. HPV is indirectly tested for via clinical identification of warts, and by the pap smear ( ... )