(no subject)
Recently I have had a few very interesting things happen.
I've started a new job at Microsoft.
I asked out a girl at the climbing gym I've been going to.
I've re-found a bunch of high school friends on Facebook and gotten to catch up with them.
The job has turned into a long list of things I don't know or can't do, where I sit for hours waiting for other people to fix the things I've broken.
The girl turned me down.
And nearly everybody I add on Facebook impresses me more than I do myself. Ivan Pecel? World-class professional juggler. Kris Daams? California State Senate Deputy. All those honor kids? PhDs galore. Every girl I had a crush on? Happily married. Even all my college girlfriends are married (my most recent girlfriend is getting married this Saturday to complete the set).
Me? I haven't had a date in five years, I haven't ever held a job more than a year, every side project or hobby I try to pick up fails within three months. Every time I think I've finally found some project that I can shine in, that I can do something that I'll be proud of, be it comic strips, or reviews, or designing a game, or writing a novel, or whatever... I drop out or fail before it's finished. I have done precious little that I'm actually proud of.
Seriously, the one non-school, non-work related thing that I can come up with where I actually feel I accomplished something? Starting the Mage LARP back up. But despite the fun there and the enjoyment people have gotten out of it, I have a hard time being proud of it. It's just a game, and I only ran it for a year. I'm sure that if I'd kept going I would've burned out on it long ago.
Unfortunately very few of my other ideas allow handing off to other people like that.
I don't know. I know I'm just being depressed, and it'll get better soon. These moods of mine rarely last more than a few weeks, and I'll snap out of it. It's just hard while I'm here.
I hate the situations I'm in. I hate my job (I know it'll get better, it just isn't there yet). I hate living alone. I hate seeing opportunities walk away because I'm too bitter to be open. I hate believing that I annoy people. I hate feeling that I'm not anybody special, and that I've let down everybody that's believed in me.
It'll get better. It always does. It just sucks now.