(no subject)
I wish that I were not such a discontented sort of person, but really, it is an accurate way to discribe myself - discontented, or disquieted even. Disquieted sounds almost insane, but I guess I don't mean it in that way, just aimlessly and sometimes severly anxious. Someone called me distant today. It is funny when people that you don't know very well try to tell you who you are, but instead they just end up exposing who they are. I felt bad about it all the same and apologized. She is not entirely wrong. I do sort of fall off the face of the planet sometimes. I don't intend to be unkind but I suppose if the impact is that I am being experienced as uncaring, that is some feedback to consider.
Tonight I cooked enough for the whole week. Guthrie, an out-of-town friend's dog and I have been spending the evening very quietly hanging out with each other and eating nibbles of chicken. I don't think he feels like I am distant. If he does, he doesn't say so so he makes fine company. I did the cooking, but not the dishes. Cooking was fun once, but these days I try to avoid tasks that lead to other tasks. Cooking always leads to cleaning, or the more tedious avoidance of cleaning. So there they lay in their filthy water where they will stay until it is no longer reasonable to claim that they need to "soak for a while."
Before I lay down, I vow to drink two large glasses of water. My mood is clearly off and I have heard that mood changes are among the first signs of dehydration. Perhaps I am perpetually dehydrated. All these years, all this discontent, and all I needed was a jug or two of water. Not likely.
I saw my mother recently and when we were talking about my future goals, she told me I should only speak in positive terms. She is one of those law-of-attraction "The Secret" thinkers. I don't believe in that horseshit frankly and as far as I can tell, unless she is telling the universe that she hopes to live the life of an emotionally turbulant alchohlic who pushes her youngest away further by the interaction, it isn't really working for her either. But I didn't say that. I said nothing. If you can't say something positive....So there you are, that is how I end up looking distant.
Since it has been a while since I have posted, I'll just state it again. I plan on using this journal as a place where I can put down my honest thoughts that I want to have, for whatever reason, witnessed. You who read me before will recall that I am indeed not a ray of sunshine most of the time. I don't know why that is, I am just not. I don't really feel like it is my fault, or even that it is a matter of fault, but I feel bad about it all the same and I apologize.
Tonight I cooked enough for the whole week. Guthrie, an out-of-town friend's dog and I have been spending the evening very quietly hanging out with each other and eating nibbles of chicken. I don't think he feels like I am distant. If he does, he doesn't say so so he makes fine company. I did the cooking, but not the dishes. Cooking was fun once, but these days I try to avoid tasks that lead to other tasks. Cooking always leads to cleaning, or the more tedious avoidance of cleaning. So there they lay in their filthy water where they will stay until it is no longer reasonable to claim that they need to "soak for a while."
Before I lay down, I vow to drink two large glasses of water. My mood is clearly off and I have heard that mood changes are among the first signs of dehydration. Perhaps I am perpetually dehydrated. All these years, all this discontent, and all I needed was a jug or two of water. Not likely.
I saw my mother recently and when we were talking about my future goals, she told me I should only speak in positive terms. She is one of those law-of-attraction "The Secret" thinkers. I don't believe in that horseshit frankly and as far as I can tell, unless she is telling the universe that she hopes to live the life of an emotionally turbulant alchohlic who pushes her youngest away further by the interaction, it isn't really working for her either. But I didn't say that. I said nothing. If you can't say something positive....So there you are, that is how I end up looking distant.
Since it has been a while since I have posted, I'll just state it again. I plan on using this journal as a place where I can put down my honest thoughts that I want to have, for whatever reason, witnessed. You who read me before will recall that I am indeed not a ray of sunshine most of the time. I don't know why that is, I am just not. I don't really feel like it is my fault, or even that it is a matter of fault, but I feel bad about it all the same and I apologize.