Mine is not a new story, but it is to me.
So. I have dumped LiveJournal until right now. This very minute. I have another hour until I can even pretend to pick up my backpack and go down to Biology. Staying here for my break was a good idea in the aspect of getting my sources, but I guess I forgot how fast I work and how much I don't like being here for 10 hours at a time. Oh well.
Life has gotten a lot different. Way a lot different than I could have ever guessed. These next couple months are going to be rough, but it is almost over. It is almost treated and it is almost entirely part of everyday life.
I miss. I miss Paul. I'm so glad that his birthday is on Friday because I don't want to go another week without seeing him. Three weeks is long enough. When I look over my computer screen I can see out the huge windows in the front of the college. I wish Kelly and I could have gone cross country skiing over break. I wish I could just go. Through my stuff in my trunk and go. Maybe I needed to leave for school, but I'm glad I didn't. Besides, I'm needed at home more now, and I like to have the familiarity of it all. I can't stop thinking about Spring Break though. I've looked up so many rates for hotels I think I could be a walking advertisement. I want to watch Children Of The Corn with Tricia so we can scream and be creeped out. I want to be able to wake up and not have 7+ things on my mind, 7+ deadlines I have to meet, 7+ things I have to make time for in order for my day to be completed. The more I think about it, there is a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, history is starting to semi repeat itself, but it makes me think that the history never ended. I don't know how much more I can bend my mind around things to try to see it from another person's point of view. I'm tired of trying to see it from the other side. The other side is cruel, and I don't belong over there. I'm so much more cautious about things now. Now that I can see so plainly that: yes, it can happen to you. It is strange to me how people don't learn from what they are living through.
I can't stop looking outside. I can feel the anxiety build just sitting here. I feel like I could just scream and yell and cry. Why? I still have 4 more hours. Why do I want so badly out of where I am? I like the routine of my life better than before. I talk to Paul every night, write to Kelly about every week and a half, what could there possibly be left inside of me causing me to feel like this. No, don't ask that, I know what it is. I know exactly what it is. I can't confront it either. I've tried. Sat there and heard the right moment enter and leave the room. I remember sitting there. I could hear the words in my head, I could move my tongue to make the sound, my mouth was open, but I wouldn't give it air. I remember screaming to myself to say it, but I wouldn't give up that air. It really was better that I didn't say it. Better that that night went to bed like it usually does. Better to have let the elephant stay still. But the elephant in the room is running now, it has stomped through the entire house. I know the truth of what I feel. No words of mine will make it stop. It was been too long. Roughly 5 years. No wonder this foreign window and vacant snowy hills seem so gorgeous to me right now. I wonder how long I have to resist. How long can I be my own anxious cure?
LiveJournal is not a place to write all of this. But let's face it, those half dozen notebooks under my bed don't seem to be doing anything different.
I didn't move my car. I have to walk nearly a mile to my car tonight. I'm almost looking forward to it. I need this weekend. I wonder what my eyes look like right now. I wonder if my lab station will be able to read my difficulties. They feel open, but they feel empty too.
How did that window pull so much out of me?
Life has gotten a lot different. Way a lot different than I could have ever guessed. These next couple months are going to be rough, but it is almost over. It is almost treated and it is almost entirely part of everyday life.
I miss. I miss Paul. I'm so glad that his birthday is on Friday because I don't want to go another week without seeing him. Three weeks is long enough. When I look over my computer screen I can see out the huge windows in the front of the college. I wish Kelly and I could have gone cross country skiing over break. I wish I could just go. Through my stuff in my trunk and go. Maybe I needed to leave for school, but I'm glad I didn't. Besides, I'm needed at home more now, and I like to have the familiarity of it all. I can't stop thinking about Spring Break though. I've looked up so many rates for hotels I think I could be a walking advertisement. I want to watch Children Of The Corn with Tricia so we can scream and be creeped out. I want to be able to wake up and not have 7+ things on my mind, 7+ deadlines I have to meet, 7+ things I have to make time for in order for my day to be completed. The more I think about it, there is a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, history is starting to semi repeat itself, but it makes me think that the history never ended. I don't know how much more I can bend my mind around things to try to see it from another person's point of view. I'm tired of trying to see it from the other side. The other side is cruel, and I don't belong over there. I'm so much more cautious about things now. Now that I can see so plainly that: yes, it can happen to you. It is strange to me how people don't learn from what they are living through.
I can't stop looking outside. I can feel the anxiety build just sitting here. I feel like I could just scream and yell and cry. Why? I still have 4 more hours. Why do I want so badly out of where I am? I like the routine of my life better than before. I talk to Paul every night, write to Kelly about every week and a half, what could there possibly be left inside of me causing me to feel like this. No, don't ask that, I know what it is. I know exactly what it is. I can't confront it either. I've tried. Sat there and heard the right moment enter and leave the room. I remember sitting there. I could hear the words in my head, I could move my tongue to make the sound, my mouth was open, but I wouldn't give it air. I remember screaming to myself to say it, but I wouldn't give up that air. It really was better that I didn't say it. Better that that night went to bed like it usually does. Better to have let the elephant stay still. But the elephant in the room is running now, it has stomped through the entire house. I know the truth of what I feel. No words of mine will make it stop. It was been too long. Roughly 5 years. No wonder this foreign window and vacant snowy hills seem so gorgeous to me right now. I wonder how long I have to resist. How long can I be my own anxious cure?
LiveJournal is not a place to write all of this. But let's face it, those half dozen notebooks under my bed don't seem to be doing anything different.
I didn't move my car. I have to walk nearly a mile to my car tonight. I'm almost looking forward to it. I need this weekend. I wonder what my eyes look like right now. I wonder if my lab station will be able to read my difficulties. They feel open, but they feel empty too.
How did that window pull so much out of me?