A bit much for a Friday
I rode K8!'s bike to the Wal-Mart(fucking evil motherfuckers) on Navy Blvd. yesterday. It's a long ride for me since I have not really biked in a long time. As I rode over the bridge I started thinking about plans. The plan was to jump. When it first got built and You couldn' drive over it I would walk over sometimes on my way home from Sluggos and think "when I have to, that's the way I'll do it" I even made up a little song about it. Sometime when I didn't think I could stand it anymore I would sing under my breath and wait to be on top looking down. I feel bad for the discomfort of passersby watching some crazy lunatic walking home in the middle of the night crying and smiling as he sang his bridge songs. Things seem silly when you are not inside them. When the situation is reversed we'll see you dancing on railings both figurative and literal. There came a day when something changed. No stars crashed into the sidewalk and no there was no voice in the sky. One day I took a look, a real look, and came to a point where it was either jump or not. Put up or shut up as Lou Reed's Coloured girls would say. My blood started burning and I felt like I was going to incinerate right there on the sidewalk. I had an answer after a long time of wanting to die. Joe Strummer's "should I stay or should I go" had a lot more meaning back then. That day I stopped. I decided no. I didn't stop hurting I just stopped looking for a way out. Somebody once said the only real question is whether or not to kill yourself.
not
next question....
I realize that it may seem a bit palled to drone on on a Friday morning when the new Hellboy is in theaters and I can yell "Fuck Me N****r" when Selma comes on screen. Bear with me good people of teh Live Urinal. Some times when you make a choice ( not every time, but some times) that's it and you never look back. I made that choice. Life is not easy esp. when you're crazy or when you're lonely or when your name is James Hagan. Life or death that was the choice. I am not saying that I don't want to die sometimes or that I don't get depressed but you keep going. You stare every day in the face and say fuck you I'm still standing.
I say all this because that Monday I woke up trying to remember if I killed anyone. When I got to work and four shot glasses fell out of my tool belt. When I was randomly throwing up because I couldn't keep food down anymore. When I was blacked out swerving on the roads near where my family lives and my sisters play When I knew it was either kill or be sober. I made another choice.
sober
next question...
Don't think you know me cause we drank together and I made you laugh and I made you cringe.
"There's plenty of truth, maybe even some truth left in me, and there's all sorts of things that you can't see"
I am not trying to say I am gonna be a good person now or that I won't fuck up. Just don't come up to me at the z rolling your eyes and say, Oh I've seen that trick before. Because you haven't and I will rip your fucking throat out if you ever talk to me like that again.
Love, Dale
p.s. four months coming up
not
next question....
I realize that it may seem a bit palled to drone on on a Friday morning when the new Hellboy is in theaters and I can yell "Fuck Me N****r" when Selma comes on screen. Bear with me good people of teh Live Urinal. Some times when you make a choice ( not every time, but some times) that's it and you never look back. I made that choice. Life is not easy esp. when you're crazy or when you're lonely or when your name is James Hagan. Life or death that was the choice. I am not saying that I don't want to die sometimes or that I don't get depressed but you keep going. You stare every day in the face and say fuck you I'm still standing.
I say all this because that Monday I woke up trying to remember if I killed anyone. When I got to work and four shot glasses fell out of my tool belt. When I was randomly throwing up because I couldn't keep food down anymore. When I was blacked out swerving on the roads near where my family lives and my sisters play When I knew it was either kill or be sober. I made another choice.
sober
next question...
Don't think you know me cause we drank together and I made you laugh and I made you cringe.
"There's plenty of truth, maybe even some truth left in me, and there's all sorts of things that you can't see"
I am not trying to say I am gonna be a good person now or that I won't fuck up. Just don't come up to me at the z rolling your eyes and say, Oh I've seen that trick before. Because you haven't and I will rip your fucking throat out if you ever talk to me like that again.
Love, Dale
p.s. four months coming up