Faltering...In Which I Try to Save Myself
Dear X,
Fuck...today was such an awesome day too! I had a fantastic weekend that was filled with hanging out with friends, watching great anime and starting Korra second season. Finally breaking out Gloom and having home made hamburgers with cool people and seeing Thor 2. Today just rocked with so much positivity and just...you know when a day just seems to have a great feel to it? People are easy to talk to, you have time to enjoy all the small things and the big things are nice.
This melancholy feeling that is overwhelming me came upon my slowly and then all at once. (Hat tip to John Green but it fits in this sad situation) I was going through my old tweets and saw some incredible gems in it that reminded me of some important things I'd forgotten. Then I saw a friend of mine who I've realized over the last few months is an individual that is so much like me barring some pretty opposite reactions to certain things. I saw a lot of myself in him and it hit me that there is still much work for me to do. Its funny how seeing things I do in that situation that I was in allowed me a clarity I hadn't noticed before. I saw why I reacted the way I did and what pushed me away from certain people. Realizing how I did the same thing I saw other memories of him in situations and saw how they could mirror what I've done in some situations. It was a sad experience. I don't quite know why yet.
Maybe its knowing there's work to be done before I can honestly say I am becoming the person I want to be? Maybe its that I saw so much potential in ourselves that we aren't moving towards? Maybe its that I noticed that I'm a fraud. I like to think of myself in a certain way and tonight I saw more clearly than I ever have that I can be this person that I've thought that I was, but its going to come at a price of changing myself and possibly moving away from things I am comfortable with. Maybe I'm just in fear of mourning my old self?
Now I'm googling how to stop being a troll. How to stop being that guy who can't take any situations seriously and always tries to turn it into a joke. Do I do that because I want attention? I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I'll look this over and say that it doesn't matter and that I enjoy that part of myself and have no intention of changing it. Well...lets see what tomorrow brings.
Sincerely,
J.R.
Fuck...today was such an awesome day too! I had a fantastic weekend that was filled with hanging out with friends, watching great anime and starting Korra second season. Finally breaking out Gloom and having home made hamburgers with cool people and seeing Thor 2. Today just rocked with so much positivity and just...you know when a day just seems to have a great feel to it? People are easy to talk to, you have time to enjoy all the small things and the big things are nice.
This melancholy feeling that is overwhelming me came upon my slowly and then all at once. (Hat tip to John Green but it fits in this sad situation) I was going through my old tweets and saw some incredible gems in it that reminded me of some important things I'd forgotten. Then I saw a friend of mine who I've realized over the last few months is an individual that is so much like me barring some pretty opposite reactions to certain things. I saw a lot of myself in him and it hit me that there is still much work for me to do. Its funny how seeing things I do in that situation that I was in allowed me a clarity I hadn't noticed before. I saw why I reacted the way I did and what pushed me away from certain people. Realizing how I did the same thing I saw other memories of him in situations and saw how they could mirror what I've done in some situations. It was a sad experience. I don't quite know why yet.
Maybe its knowing there's work to be done before I can honestly say I am becoming the person I want to be? Maybe its that I saw so much potential in ourselves that we aren't moving towards? Maybe its that I noticed that I'm a fraud. I like to think of myself in a certain way and tonight I saw more clearly than I ever have that I can be this person that I've thought that I was, but its going to come at a price of changing myself and possibly moving away from things I am comfortable with. Maybe I'm just in fear of mourning my old self?
Now I'm googling how to stop being a troll. How to stop being that guy who can't take any situations seriously and always tries to turn it into a joke. Do I do that because I want attention? I don't know. Maybe tomorrow I'll look this over and say that it doesn't matter and that I enjoy that part of myself and have no intention of changing it. Well...lets see what tomorrow brings.
Sincerely,
J.R.