Ganked from doomspark and notsosaintly
You Know You're From LA When...
You're driving on the 101 and see a clear cut definition of where the smog begins and ends
Actually, driving on the 5 will give you the same clear view. Watch out for the Santa Ana's.
You go to a karaoke bar and battle with seven year old divas-in-training who are trying to steal your thunder
Little brat. Like she can do Norah Jones better than me. That'll teach her.
You're sitting in traffic for at least an hour at any given part of the day
Even at one in the morning, yes. Even at three in the morning. Yes.
You go to the beach and see that real lifeguards actually do look like the lifeguards from Baywatch
Except they're gay, so it really doesn't matter.
You see purple and gold and the word "Threepeat" on every corner
I really hate basketball.
You begin to "lie" to your friends about where you are (i.e. "Yeah I'm like 20 minutes away") - when you know that it'll take you at least an hour to get there).
It's always 20 mins away. And it's always off the 5.
You eat a different ethnic food for every meal
We like to call it "California Cuisine."
You look around at the nice cars around you during traffic, thinking it'll be your favorite Laker or WB star.
WB?
You make a conscious choice to watch Jay Leno over David Letterman
That is so wrong. It's Letterman all the way.
You mourned for Tupac and not for Biggie
I just mourned my lost sanity.
You know it's best not to be on the 405 at 4:05 pm.
It's best to just avoid the 405 at all costs. Just stick to the 5.
Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".
I've already said this, yo!
You know what neighborhood someone lives in by the degree of damage incurred during the riots.
The riots are so yesterday!
You've inadvertently learned Spanish.
?Que?
You've got to bring the cat/plants in when it drops to 55 degrees.
Brrr...poor plants. Though the poinsettias I still have from Christmas are enjoying the weather.
In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.
You mean some people can't?
You've bumped into a celebrity at El Pollo Loco.
Like I really believe that Cameron Diaz ate that leg.
You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
Sigalert: accident on the freeway. PCH: Pacific Coast Highway. Runs from SoCal to NoCal. The Five: The 5 freeway.
Your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros.
I really didn't need that song and dance, either. Who did he think he was? Danny Kaye?
If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving.
Five? Try two. I'm not walking. Have you looked out the window lately?
You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
I actually let mine expire, but Chel and I are discussing this 24-Hour Fitness that's in Irvine.
Your TV show is interrupted by a police chase.
Low Speed chase, no less.
You can't fall asleep without the lull of a helicopter flying overhead.
If you haven't, you don't know what you're missing. Any time I go to San Diego, I can't sleep because it's too quiet!
When tourists ask where they can get souvenirs, you direct them to Venice Beach.
Or Disneyland.
You know someone named Freedom, Rainbow, Persephone or Destiny.
*hangs head in shame*
You've trespassed through private property to get to the "Hollywood" sign.
Actually...no.
You've partied in Tijuana at least once.
And you should know that it's pronounced "Teehwanna", not "Tia Whanna".
You know Hollywood has a "lake".
LOL. Yeah...
You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
I, like, totally paused!
You've lost your car in the Century City Shopping Center parking lot.
No, but I've lost it in the Shops At Mission Viejo parking lot.
You've ever bought oranges, flowers, cherries or peanuts on a freeway off-ramp.
You say that like it's a bad thing...
You think that Venice is a beach.
Venice Beach, duh. Where all the good body modification places are.
You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.
Stupid gas guzzling road hogs.
You've started crossing a street and returned to the curb when the DON'T WALK sign started flashing.
Because I know that a red light in Cali is just a *suggestion*.
You've never listened to NPR.
Huh?
Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.
Why would I want to call one of my neighbors? They're crazy people!
You have a favorite Thai restaurant.
Mmm...Thai Spice...
You think Johnnny Rocket's is an accurate depiction of a diner.
Anyplace that has table jukeboxes is all right by me.
You think Manhattan is a beach.
Manhattan Beach, duh. Where all the gay people hang out.
You eat pineapple on pizza.
Pineapple, mushrooms, and olives to be exact.
You've been to Disneyland more times than Downtown.
Downtown LA? You bet your sweet booty I don't go there!
When giving directions , you follow up with the phrase: "With/Without traffic."
What's this "without traffic" that you speak of?
You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second class. Best area code: "310."
I grew up with a 310 area code...I miss it sometimes...
Driving along, you see a high-speed police chase approaching in your rear view mirror. You don't panic or even flinch. Instead, you call your friends on your car phone and tell them you're on TV.
"Can you see the pink turtles on my car? Can you? Cool! Hi!"
You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.
Not even two miles.
Your cell phone has left a permanant impression on the side of your head.
Can you hear me now? Good!
You never, ever go into the water at the Beach. You barely touch the sand.
Ew. No way! I wouldn't go in there!
Everyone you know has 3+ phone numbers. Home, Office, mobile, pager, two-way, voicemail.....
Doesn't everyone?
It is not unusual for your waitress at a restaurant to have blue streaked hair, a dragon tattoo and tounge piercing.
Doesn't everyone?
You are awakened in the middle of the night by a moderate earthquake. Your reply: "That ain't even a 5-pointer" and go back to sleep.
I doubt I'd even wake up.
You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It don't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.
You live 10 miles from work. It takes you 60 minutes to get home.
Actually, I live 6 miles from work, and it takes me 30 mins to get home.
Walking out of Jamba Juice, you see that a movie is being shot on-location across the street.
They take all the good parking places, too.
You are not happy, or even slightly exited that there may be a movie star there. You just say, " They f*ckin better not be blocking my parking space."
Exactly!
You have to yell at your bank teller through a 2 inch thick wall of plexi-glass.
Just the bank teller?
That last one goes for your local convienience store man, too.
Totally.
You go to Las Vegas for a weekend getaway and the whole trip cost you $50.
That's just for gas.
You personally know at least 5 people with agents.
*sigh* Yeah.
You personally know at least 3 people who have been in a movie or TV show.
Yeah.
You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.
But we don't have Sonic here, so I guess it's even. Oooh...now I want french fries...
You know that not everyone in Beverly Hills is a millionaire.
Especially not the guy asking for money on the street corner.
You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.
LOL! Fred!
You've done something on a street corner in an attempt to get money (i.e. sang, tap danced, told jokes).
No, but I sold rootbeer floats one summer for band.
You've gotten parking tickets from parking in the red zone in front of your house.
No, but Brozo did!
You say you live in LA when really you live in a subsection of a subsection of a subsection of southern LA.
Where I grew up, yes. Now I'm just in SoOC.
Any major movie star is picking out the best portobello mushrooms next to you at the grocers and you don't notice.
Well, I notice, but it's mostly to push her boney little arse out of my way because she's hogging the sprouts!
The guy at 8:30 in the morning at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Unfortunately, it's Danny DeVito.
You really can never be too rich or too thin.
Nope.
The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday.
Treadmill hogs...
The workday starts at 10am...or whenever you get out of your therapy session.
I resemble that remark!
Any invitation comes with, "Starts at 8pm or as soon as you can get through traffic."
They make it sound like you really *can* get through traffic.
You have never met a waiter that wasn't really an "Actor."
Ha!
You never go to a coffee house without a copy of a script - any script.
Actually, I go without one and make everyone nervous, because I must be the only real filmwriter among them.
It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH '05"
Actually, this year it was actually warranted. Just ask the folks in Brentwood who were sliding down the hill.
You call 911 and they put you on hold.
Ha. Yeah. That happened to me once.
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:30 tae-bo class.
He's such a jerk in real life.
The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe lying on the shoulder.
We were all wondering if it was our size, and if the mate would be on the road up ahead.
A nurse can look at you in all seriousness and ask, "you don’t drink or smoke, right?"
They don't even ask any more...
All the "cool gyms" allow pedestrians on the street a full-view of those working out. Literally, you can’t drive by Wilshire without staring into L.A. Fitness. Perhaps a new form of window shopping?
Like I really want to see a butt hanging out of a thong at 3:30 am. And he didn't even wax!
The hot seasonal party favor is a candied apple from Neiman's. The apples are called "Skinny Dippers."
They're just apple wedges that you dip into fat-free caramel dip. Not low carb AT ALL!
The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.
...and you say, "No, I'm saving that for the dessert!"
Bars card. For real.
Just because you can dress like a hoochie doesn't mean that you are one.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Los Angeles.
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