Uni, life, then and now and where to again?
everything in life is cyclical... around and around we go like creatures on a carousel, up down and in circles, bright colours, plastic faces and blinded by mirrors.
the great karmic wheel of death and rebirth, cycles of souls throughout lives and the smaller wheel within those lives, the passage of the seasons and tides, days following nights, orbits of the planets, rules of three, zodiacs and Tao and moon cycles and on and on into infinity...
this is my chance to start again, resolve the issues that i had last time i attempted this stage in my life. after trying and failing and traveling some world and a hell of a lot of psyche, im almost back to the start. the situations are the same as three years ago; living out of home, no job, black sheets, collaged walls, stuck to a computer screen, packet pasta with tomato and tuna, strange geeky boyfriend, still getting stoned, still drinking too much, still painting cause i cant help it, still wearing the same pinstripe jeans, still kinda lost and not sure where im going.
there are differences though, this time around i feel like ive got my shit more in order, i have more chance of passing. im stable in my house and in my confidence. as opposed to being swamped in an overwhelming sea there's a slow burning anger now that every time ive tried all ive proved is how much i can fail. i want to pass more so i can prove to myself that my brain hasn't wasted away, that i still have the smarts and the passion to carry myself where i want to be. right now im not feeling that, just a grudge against myself that i got so distracted, that i let all these other things rule my life cause i didnt know what i wanted, or how to get there.
im not as scared. im completely over working in jobs that dont help me at all... they just take in the wrong directions, waste my time and my energy and leave me stranded wonder what the fuck to do. thats not who i want to be anymore.
i want to be an artist; i want my painting and drawing skills to improve, i wasnt my visualization and imagination to improve, i want to be practicing and selling and inspiring. i want to pass my courses, i want to do well and retain the knowledge ive learned, and help it make everything i do better. i want to know the history, i want to believe the theory.
i want to teach. i want to guide people, to help people navigate this shit hole of a system into a semblance of a better life. i want to ease the confusion, and get the good vibes coming back out. i want to see us progress, evolve, grow above the money-grubbing selfish short sighted society we are into something beautiful.
i want my spirituality back. i want to study Reiki and Buddhism and Tao and Confucianism and see the beauty in the world and learn how to flow with it, to change it and to love it. i want to know it, inside and out. i want a giant purple yellow and turquoise aura, i want to be settled in my center and having a constant flow of energy in and out.
i want to eat awesome food, and stop feeling constantly starving or nauseous, and stop having nightmares and not sleeping or sleeping too much. i want my scabs to heal, my hair to stop falling out, and my feet to carry me firmly on. i want to not rely on myself for EVERYTHING, but have the flexibility to ask for help and accept it when its offered. i want to trust again, not be wary and flinching inside every time i talk to people. i want easy conversation, where i can be strong in my ideas and not so confused by the endless possibilities that i retreat into silence.
i want these edges of madness to stop creeping in... or if i cant stop it embrace it and keep going, and not be paralyzed by fear. i want to not feel so alone and embattled in my head.
but most of all, i want out of this rut that i keep falling into. i want to stop being bored, but unable to be passionate. seems the only time im alive im drunk, and then im unpredictable and barely remember in the morning. i want to feel there's something in this reality to sustain me, i want to be sustained.
the great karmic wheel of death and rebirth, cycles of souls throughout lives and the smaller wheel within those lives, the passage of the seasons and tides, days following nights, orbits of the planets, rules of three, zodiacs and Tao and moon cycles and on and on into infinity...
this is my chance to start again, resolve the issues that i had last time i attempted this stage in my life. after trying and failing and traveling some world and a hell of a lot of psyche, im almost back to the start. the situations are the same as three years ago; living out of home, no job, black sheets, collaged walls, stuck to a computer screen, packet pasta with tomato and tuna, strange geeky boyfriend, still getting stoned, still drinking too much, still painting cause i cant help it, still wearing the same pinstripe jeans, still kinda lost and not sure where im going.
there are differences though, this time around i feel like ive got my shit more in order, i have more chance of passing. im stable in my house and in my confidence. as opposed to being swamped in an overwhelming sea there's a slow burning anger now that every time ive tried all ive proved is how much i can fail. i want to pass more so i can prove to myself that my brain hasn't wasted away, that i still have the smarts and the passion to carry myself where i want to be. right now im not feeling that, just a grudge against myself that i got so distracted, that i let all these other things rule my life cause i didnt know what i wanted, or how to get there.
im not as scared. im completely over working in jobs that dont help me at all... they just take in the wrong directions, waste my time and my energy and leave me stranded wonder what the fuck to do. thats not who i want to be anymore.
i want to be an artist; i want my painting and drawing skills to improve, i wasnt my visualization and imagination to improve, i want to be practicing and selling and inspiring. i want to pass my courses, i want to do well and retain the knowledge ive learned, and help it make everything i do better. i want to know the history, i want to believe the theory.
i want to teach. i want to guide people, to help people navigate this shit hole of a system into a semblance of a better life. i want to ease the confusion, and get the good vibes coming back out. i want to see us progress, evolve, grow above the money-grubbing selfish short sighted society we are into something beautiful.
i want my spirituality back. i want to study Reiki and Buddhism and Tao and Confucianism and see the beauty in the world and learn how to flow with it, to change it and to love it. i want to know it, inside and out. i want a giant purple yellow and turquoise aura, i want to be settled in my center and having a constant flow of energy in and out.
i want to eat awesome food, and stop feeling constantly starving or nauseous, and stop having nightmares and not sleeping or sleeping too much. i want my scabs to heal, my hair to stop falling out, and my feet to carry me firmly on. i want to not rely on myself for EVERYTHING, but have the flexibility to ask for help and accept it when its offered. i want to trust again, not be wary and flinching inside every time i talk to people. i want easy conversation, where i can be strong in my ideas and not so confused by the endless possibilities that i retreat into silence.
i want these edges of madness to stop creeping in... or if i cant stop it embrace it and keep going, and not be paralyzed by fear. i want to not feel so alone and embattled in my head.
but most of all, i want out of this rut that i keep falling into. i want to stop being bored, but unable to be passionate. seems the only time im alive im drunk, and then im unpredictable and barely remember in the morning. i want to feel there's something in this reality to sustain me, i want to be sustained.