RANDOMNITY. (~DEMNITY?
*- had lunch with my mum today.
we went to see a tax lady about my trust money. it seems this trust thing is the way to go, the ten grand will generate a fair amount of interest that i can keep tax free, and its safe there and i can take it out to go travelling. am considering putting the other money ive saved in the same account, cause noone can touch it and did i mention interest is tax free? ive also been thinking about getting a visa debit card, cause then i can buy music cds cheap online from south africa, and im getting charged lots of fees in my bank as is. also, despite all this windfall, my current spending money is really really small. after i pay rent and library fees and FINALLY get the photos from melbourne developed, im pretty much flat broke. and next pay, its rent and electricity bills!!! yay no food or beer for me. no beer, of course is the sadder plight. :P
*- cannot fail more than two subjects at uni;
else overseas student exchange is impossible. so i have to write two essays in a week to pass art theory, and work like mad on my group project for glass. im sure councelling is fucked, i havent done any of the assignments so i have no marks, but ill have a crack at the exam anyway. im sure itll backfire horribly, but if im not expecting to get anything out of it, maybe ill be happy with whatever terrible mark i do get. ahhhhhhh!!!!
*- despite encourageing post that i wrote last week ((that subsequently didnt actually post cause uni computers are a peice of shit, but yes!! i WAS encouraging!!)), im thinking of defferring next semester for a year. mhairis going on a quick round the world tour in april next year, for just five grand ((plus extra for spending)) and it would be awesome to go with her ((just like we planned in year ten!! LOL! oh we were so cute!)). im over this study thing for a while. i really really need to get something new in me. i need something crazy and life changing to face my demons with. mouldering away reading about enlightenment theory, the historical sublime and material signifiers just doesnt work anymore. i really do want this degree, but i dont want it enough to deal with the bullshit. so, i'll deal with myself first, and maybe the inspiration will come after. but to afford it i need to defer uni, get a second job, take a year to navel-gaze and sky-search, save a buttload of money, and just generally be awesome. its huge, but i gotta do something cause all this shit aint getting me nowhere. see below.
*- struggling not to feel replaced and depressed.
i know we're all seperate entities and i have no claim over anyone else life but fuck its so tempting to lose my shit and demand things i dont deserve. i want to cave in. i want the release of tension, i want the anger and the savage grief, i want to let these psychotic impulses free and rip and tear and shread myself and everyone around me till theres nothing left but darkness and freedom. i want to blame everyone else for this pain. i want storms and self-righteousness and rage and wild jealousy and letting the hurt free instead of fester. but fuck. i cant. we tried that already and got nowhere. so instead i sit here and try not to feel anything when everyone else has more place in your life than i do. reduced to nothing, once again.
*- have finally started making a stomputer room of my own.
i have a desk and a chair and a computer, and i have an easle and a chest of drawers that i painted black and did little gold swirls on the handles. theres also my dodgy cane bookshelf and a smaller used-to-be-an-encyclopedia-bookself, but these are kinda out of place in this room and im cosidering moving them again. i just need to stick all my stuff back up on the walls and get a dropsheet or two, and im set. its good to have something to hold onto, its only a small achievement but its a foothold. step by tiny agonising step im rebuilding my place in the world. did i mention tiny and agonising?????
*- apparently lists are the way to the future. i might try it out. so much to do... so little everything else.
we went to see a tax lady about my trust money. it seems this trust thing is the way to go, the ten grand will generate a fair amount of interest that i can keep tax free, and its safe there and i can take it out to go travelling. am considering putting the other money ive saved in the same account, cause noone can touch it and did i mention interest is tax free? ive also been thinking about getting a visa debit card, cause then i can buy music cds cheap online from south africa, and im getting charged lots of fees in my bank as is. also, despite all this windfall, my current spending money is really really small. after i pay rent and library fees and FINALLY get the photos from melbourne developed, im pretty much flat broke. and next pay, its rent and electricity bills!!! yay no food or beer for me. no beer, of course is the sadder plight. :P
*- cannot fail more than two subjects at uni;
else overseas student exchange is impossible. so i have to write two essays in a week to pass art theory, and work like mad on my group project for glass. im sure councelling is fucked, i havent done any of the assignments so i have no marks, but ill have a crack at the exam anyway. im sure itll backfire horribly, but if im not expecting to get anything out of it, maybe ill be happy with whatever terrible mark i do get. ahhhhhhh!!!!
*- despite encourageing post that i wrote last week ((that subsequently didnt actually post cause uni computers are a peice of shit, but yes!! i WAS encouraging!!)), im thinking of defferring next semester for a year. mhairis going on a quick round the world tour in april next year, for just five grand ((plus extra for spending)) and it would be awesome to go with her ((just like we planned in year ten!! LOL! oh we were so cute!)). im over this study thing for a while. i really really need to get something new in me. i need something crazy and life changing to face my demons with. mouldering away reading about enlightenment theory, the historical sublime and material signifiers just doesnt work anymore. i really do want this degree, but i dont want it enough to deal with the bullshit. so, i'll deal with myself first, and maybe the inspiration will come after. but to afford it i need to defer uni, get a second job, take a year to navel-gaze and sky-search, save a buttload of money, and just generally be awesome. its huge, but i gotta do something cause all this shit aint getting me nowhere. see below.
*- struggling not to feel replaced and depressed.
i know we're all seperate entities and i have no claim over anyone else life but fuck its so tempting to lose my shit and demand things i dont deserve. i want to cave in. i want the release of tension, i want the anger and the savage grief, i want to let these psychotic impulses free and rip and tear and shread myself and everyone around me till theres nothing left but darkness and freedom. i want to blame everyone else for this pain. i want storms and self-righteousness and rage and wild jealousy and letting the hurt free instead of fester. but fuck. i cant. we tried that already and got nowhere. so instead i sit here and try not to feel anything when everyone else has more place in your life than i do. reduced to nothing, once again.
*- have finally started making a stomputer room of my own.
i have a desk and a chair and a computer, and i have an easle and a chest of drawers that i painted black and did little gold swirls on the handles. theres also my dodgy cane bookshelf and a smaller used-to-be-an-encyclopedia-bookself, but these are kinda out of place in this room and im cosidering moving them again. i just need to stick all my stuff back up on the walls and get a dropsheet or two, and im set. its good to have something to hold onto, its only a small achievement but its a foothold. step by tiny agonising step im rebuilding my place in the world. did i mention tiny and agonising?????
*- apparently lists are the way to the future. i might try it out. so much to do... so little everything else.