(no subject)
Today is the day I will never forget... I will never forget any of it...
We were driving back from a ventilation training from Friendship and I was still in my bunker pants because I didn't want to get out of all my gear. The sun was out and it looked like a beautiful day... We were quite tired because we were lifting ladders up onto roofs the entire morning so I just wanted to sleep while the heat from the sun kinda rested on my face... It felt like the spring... We turn left and we're on a road back towards Alfred and we notice a guy standing out in the middle of the road waving at us to stop. We look around and we see a car completely smashed against a tree. We run out and I begin to size up the scene. At first, I think that everything is fine and that the victim got out okay because I couldn't see anyone in the car. I've been through quite a few motor vehicle accidents where I've seen cars torn up but the victim was responsive or walking around just dazed... However, the man standing there tells me that there is some guy in the car and that there was no pulse... I look again and I realize that the victim is completely crushed in by his car. First thing we do is call in for medical attention. There is only so much we can do because we're only firefighters and not EMTs... We also don't have the right equipment to pull him out or attempt to start working on the car... For the next 5 minutes, all I could do was hope to God he was okay and to clear out the scene. We wait and wait and finally the fire department and ambulance roll in.
We start working on the car and the extrication is horrible. The front part of the car was completely crushed into his body and the car itself was caved in so that basically, it wasn't a straight car, but rather in a 90 degree angle... It was horrible... The things I saw fucked me over... I still got the job done, helped out as much as I could. Finally, we got Belmont's hydrolic tools to get push and pull the car straight and then to push out the front car from his body. We got him out an hour later because it was so difficult and got him onto Mercy Flight... I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just lost it... I felt like I couldn't do this anymore and my hands started to shake. I wanted this kid to live... I kept saying to myself fight buddy, fight. I hope he makes it... I can only imagine what his parents or friends are going through now. I definately don't want people to go through anything like that over me.
Today, I reevaluated everything in my life... I don't wanna wait anymore for things... I know that this is my life and that fucking one thing up can cause a chain reaction for you and everyone else. I thought about this kid's parents and friends. What they might be going through... Idk... When people tell me I did a good job and that I'm a hero, I really don't feel like it at all... I feel like they're mocking me in some way and I know they're not trying to be a jackass or trying to make fun of me. I know that they're absolutely serious, but I feel that the real heros were everyone that helped out. I feel that the heros were the Mercy Flight Crew, the Belmont Fire Department, the Amitty Fire Department, the Amitty Ambulance, and everyone else that was there for this kid. I don't consider myself to even be close to where they are. What I saw is unexplainable. AND, what I hate the most is when people think its no big deal. That I should just get over it. I don't fucking remember them telling me how they pulled out a kid from a fucking truck that was so crushed that it looked like the size of a trunk! Seeing is a lot different from being there and prying at a door and lifting him out of the car. Fuck that and fuck people who think that because they have absolutely no idea what it's like. They don't know what I saw and what we had to do. They think oh yeah, I've been through tough shit like that. Bullshit, cuz how the hell would they know how bad the things i've seen? I've never seen or done anything this close to what i've done today and I'm pretty sure that people who have been through this type of ordeal wouldn't be saying get over it. I'm pretty sure they'd be supportive and be able to understand the fucking things i just went through... Obviously, I'm not going to get caught up on this for the rest of my life, but if this really makes me reevaluate my life and makes me wanna be better and safer, than let me do what I want. Seriously...
I just dont fucking know anymore... Earlier, I even thought about why I really did Firefighting and if I actually wanted to do this anymore... It's all real now and I'm probably gonna have to deal with shit thats even more fucked up than today. I know it and I wondered if I could really deal with it... If I could really be able to complete what I have to do to rescue someone and not have that wierd feeling I had today... But eventually, I realized that I'm probably like everyone else... You do the job, and seriously just get through the day... Is there any glory to it all? Idk.. I really don't want it to tell you the truth... I feel like I don't deserve it. There is no satisfying feeling either... The feeling like you did something right like getting an A on a test... It's about the long run I guess... You look back and you can tell yourself that yeah, I helped save lives and to know that you havent wasted your own and didnt accomplish anything... We'll see...
We were driving back from a ventilation training from Friendship and I was still in my bunker pants because I didn't want to get out of all my gear. The sun was out and it looked like a beautiful day... We were quite tired because we were lifting ladders up onto roofs the entire morning so I just wanted to sleep while the heat from the sun kinda rested on my face... It felt like the spring... We turn left and we're on a road back towards Alfred and we notice a guy standing out in the middle of the road waving at us to stop. We look around and we see a car completely smashed against a tree. We run out and I begin to size up the scene. At first, I think that everything is fine and that the victim got out okay because I couldn't see anyone in the car. I've been through quite a few motor vehicle accidents where I've seen cars torn up but the victim was responsive or walking around just dazed... However, the man standing there tells me that there is some guy in the car and that there was no pulse... I look again and I realize that the victim is completely crushed in by his car. First thing we do is call in for medical attention. There is only so much we can do because we're only firefighters and not EMTs... We also don't have the right equipment to pull him out or attempt to start working on the car... For the next 5 minutes, all I could do was hope to God he was okay and to clear out the scene. We wait and wait and finally the fire department and ambulance roll in.
We start working on the car and the extrication is horrible. The front part of the car was completely crushed into his body and the car itself was caved in so that basically, it wasn't a straight car, but rather in a 90 degree angle... It was horrible... The things I saw fucked me over... I still got the job done, helped out as much as I could. Finally, we got Belmont's hydrolic tools to get push and pull the car straight and then to push out the front car from his body. We got him out an hour later because it was so difficult and got him onto Mercy Flight... I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just lost it... I felt like I couldn't do this anymore and my hands started to shake. I wanted this kid to live... I kept saying to myself fight buddy, fight. I hope he makes it... I can only imagine what his parents or friends are going through now. I definately don't want people to go through anything like that over me.
Today, I reevaluated everything in my life... I don't wanna wait anymore for things... I know that this is my life and that fucking one thing up can cause a chain reaction for you and everyone else. I thought about this kid's parents and friends. What they might be going through... Idk... When people tell me I did a good job and that I'm a hero, I really don't feel like it at all... I feel like they're mocking me in some way and I know they're not trying to be a jackass or trying to make fun of me. I know that they're absolutely serious, but I feel that the real heros were everyone that helped out. I feel that the heros were the Mercy Flight Crew, the Belmont Fire Department, the Amitty Fire Department, the Amitty Ambulance, and everyone else that was there for this kid. I don't consider myself to even be close to where they are. What I saw is unexplainable. AND, what I hate the most is when people think its no big deal. That I should just get over it. I don't fucking remember them telling me how they pulled out a kid from a fucking truck that was so crushed that it looked like the size of a trunk! Seeing is a lot different from being there and prying at a door and lifting him out of the car. Fuck that and fuck people who think that because they have absolutely no idea what it's like. They don't know what I saw and what we had to do. They think oh yeah, I've been through tough shit like that. Bullshit, cuz how the hell would they know how bad the things i've seen? I've never seen or done anything this close to what i've done today and I'm pretty sure that people who have been through this type of ordeal wouldn't be saying get over it. I'm pretty sure they'd be supportive and be able to understand the fucking things i just went through... Obviously, I'm not going to get caught up on this for the rest of my life, but if this really makes me reevaluate my life and makes me wanna be better and safer, than let me do what I want. Seriously...
I just dont fucking know anymore... Earlier, I even thought about why I really did Firefighting and if I actually wanted to do this anymore... It's all real now and I'm probably gonna have to deal with shit thats even more fucked up than today. I know it and I wondered if I could really deal with it... If I could really be able to complete what I have to do to rescue someone and not have that wierd feeling I had today... But eventually, I realized that I'm probably like everyone else... You do the job, and seriously just get through the day... Is there any glory to it all? Idk.. I really don't want it to tell you the truth... I feel like I don't deserve it. There is no satisfying feeling either... The feeling like you did something right like getting an A on a test... It's about the long run I guess... You look back and you can tell yourself that yeah, I helped save lives and to know that you havent wasted your own and didnt accomplish anything... We'll see...