300
So I saw it, finally, years after the rest of the internet, no doubt.
[monologue, dramatic and slow, summarized]
WE SPARTANS. GRR. MEEEEAN. TUFF.
testosterone! pecs! skin! ONLY GIRLY MEN NEED ARMORS LOL!
slo-mo horse rearing
slo-mo swords clashing
slo-mo badass dudes in different colored armor than previous 1,000,999 badass dudes who all wore armor of other colors and quantity and texture, some of which looked fairly useless as if the costume department couldn't keep up with the demands of "let's impress the audience with the cultural diversity of Alexander's armies YO!"
slo-mo rhino wearing skimpy thongs that wouldn't control a weasel, lolloping while posing for the camera, if CGI critters can pose
long processional in which throne barge the size of the Chrysler building is carried on the backs of the accounting, personnel and maintenance departments, or possibly also public relations, as Alexander rides in leisure at the tippy top of the whole affair
Spartans stand there WAITING and WATCHING in disbelief, not throwing pointy things, because that would make sense
SNEAK ATTAK LOL SO CRAFTY WE ARE
everyone DIES, except Faramir, who is narrating the story without benefit of loudspeaker for 10,000,000,000 CGI Spartans about to go marching out into battle, probably with someone's army with adequate armor and weaponry
Good grief. You could cut the dramatic tension with a spork.
[monologue, dramatic and slow, summarized]
WE SPARTANS. GRR. MEEEEAN. TUFF.
testosterone! pecs! skin! ONLY GIRLY MEN NEED ARMORS LOL!
slo-mo horse rearing
slo-mo swords clashing
slo-mo badass dudes in different colored armor than previous 1,000,999 badass dudes who all wore armor of other colors and quantity and texture, some of which looked fairly useless as if the costume department couldn't keep up with the demands of "let's impress the audience with the cultural diversity of Alexander's armies YO!"
slo-mo rhino wearing skimpy thongs that wouldn't control a weasel, lolloping while posing for the camera, if CGI critters can pose
long processional in which throne barge the size of the Chrysler building is carried on the backs of the accounting, personnel and maintenance departments, or possibly also public relations, as Alexander rides in leisure at the tippy top of the whole affair
Spartans stand there WAITING and WATCHING in disbelief, not throwing pointy things, because that would make sense
SNEAK ATTAK LOL SO CRAFTY WE ARE
everyone DIES, except Faramir, who is narrating the story without benefit of loudspeaker for 10,000,000,000 CGI Spartans about to go marching out into battle, probably with someone's army with adequate armor and weaponry
Good grief. You could cut the dramatic tension with a spork.