special handling
The truth is: I should be making more money than I am making right now. I bust my ass for my dad, I showed up after throwing up two days straight, and having a root canal and went to work. I work faster than the other guy who works with us. I get shit done. I clean up. I am nice to all the clients. I try to do everything that will make us money, and get the job done. I am motivated enough cause I want to do this work. Why can't I atleast make 6 bills a week? I would have not much to worry about if I could make inbetween 5-6 a week. Maybe after this year?
The worst part is: I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I feel totally lost alot of the time. I know that I can do almost anything that I put my mind to - my mother has reminded me of this every single time I have failed to do so or failed to complete something in my 21 years. I just don't feel like I have the energy anymore, or it is the little things that really cut me down at the knees. I just I need to not be able to be torn down as easily as I have been in the past. Where is that stone-cold-girl I used to be? Why do I really care about almost everything these days? Can't I just shrug things off, why must I be cursed with weak ankles and weak ability?
The things I want: I want a place to live that cannot be taken away from me. From the age of 7 I have been moved from here to there, and then when I finally moved out on my own, I have been finding myself in the worst of roommate situations, or housing that will soon be sold or taken out from beneath my feet much like a carpet, then I end up on my ass having to crawl back to my parents and asking them for help. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be proud of that fact.
Things I am proud of: My sisters. They rock. They have dealt with my parent's indecision much better than I have. They made a point of gaining the building blocks for college, and the like that I blew right past on my way to doing nothing-good with my time when I was a teenager. I am partially proud of myself --- I don't want to say for "surviving" cause that is petty, but, for being able to succeed at the things I have, or being able to keep it together as well as I have been able to lately. I think another person might be totally blindsided by the things I have dealt with lately. But I have mostly kept my head on my shoulders. I am glad of that. Someone has to stand up straight and do all the right things when they can...
I regret: not always being able to speak my mind, letting really good opportunities pass me by, not going to college, doing the stupid rebellious things I've done, the lost time, letting people walk all over me, not standing up for people when I know I should, forgetting where I am from - even for a second, forgetting the things that are genuinely important in life. Not being able to say sorry.
The worst part is: I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I feel totally lost alot of the time. I know that I can do almost anything that I put my mind to - my mother has reminded me of this every single time I have failed to do so or failed to complete something in my 21 years. I just don't feel like I have the energy anymore, or it is the little things that really cut me down at the knees. I just I need to not be able to be torn down as easily as I have been in the past. Where is that stone-cold-girl I used to be? Why do I really care about almost everything these days? Can't I just shrug things off, why must I be cursed with weak ankles and weak ability?
The things I want: I want a place to live that cannot be taken away from me. From the age of 7 I have been moved from here to there, and then when I finally moved out on my own, I have been finding myself in the worst of roommate situations, or housing that will soon be sold or taken out from beneath my feet much like a carpet, then I end up on my ass having to crawl back to my parents and asking them for help. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be proud of that fact.
Things I am proud of: My sisters. They rock. They have dealt with my parent's indecision much better than I have. They made a point of gaining the building blocks for college, and the like that I blew right past on my way to doing nothing-good with my time when I was a teenager. I am partially proud of myself --- I don't want to say for "surviving" cause that is petty, but, for being able to succeed at the things I have, or being able to keep it together as well as I have been able to lately. I think another person might be totally blindsided by the things I have dealt with lately. But I have mostly kept my head on my shoulders. I am glad of that. Someone has to stand up straight and do all the right things when they can...
I regret: not always being able to speak my mind, letting really good opportunities pass me by, not going to college, doing the stupid rebellious things I've done, the lost time, letting people walk all over me, not standing up for people when I know I should, forgetting where I am from - even for a second, forgetting the things that are genuinely important in life. Not being able to say sorry.