gender, sex, religion, ghosts, the things behind things and the void that binds
I had Rachel over for dinner, and I will spare you the details of how I haven't really gotten to know Rachel, or how, and how I still don't really know if I do... And just jump into it.
A lot of concepts rushing through my brain, half of which I've forgotten, but many (if not all) giving me insights to what's happening, what I'm doing, why I'm doing them... Lots of things coming up. Lots to do with Andrew, which I've applied to a relationship standpoint.
I've done the casual play thing, and I've done the relationship thing. Right now I want to have something that's emotionally binding... I want to have a relationship... And I'm trying something new. It's called 'abstinence', yes, shocking, esp. from me, weird... What does it mean, and why? I don't believe in it. I think if you want to have sex, then fine, you're emotionally strong enough, just do it. That's not the point. I want a relationship where sex is just another dimension. We're going to grow together, become best friends, open up, talk, know inside and out, be confident, share and teach. You will know the things behind things, and be able to see how I do, even if you don't agree. You will learn to move physically in a way that I know, as an extension of you (remembering that you are not your thinking brain, but something that watches and learns), and I will teach intuition and empathy. You will teach me things that I haven't even begun to dream of.
When I say perfect, it's vague. It's complicated, it won't seem perfect right away. In actuality, it might seem really rather sub-perfect. Then, when you're basking in the after-glow, you'll realize why it was with subtle hints and know why.
I'm glad and appreciative of enthusiasm, I would never push it away. This is the part where I contradict myself. Baby steps, presentation is important. I know it's exciting, I know I'm desensitized. This is where we take steps to meet each other. I am still working on feeling again, I'm making progress, but it starts anew with each new person and experience. Your excitement is almost intimidating in a way. Looking to the future, will I still cause that excitement? It something I haven't seen before... And that's after realizing and remembering what I have seen. (I'm trying not to be too full of myself and arrogant, or take myself too seriously.... honest) I wouldn't take it away, and I would never ask you to hide (in fact, I would be hurt if you did), but temper and realize where I am and have come from. I cannot pretend I haven't had that before. I can't pretend that it's new to me.
What I'm looking for isn't that furtive glance, that fresh feeling of holding someone's hand in public or kissing on the bus. I'm not looking to have spontaneous make out sessions in the hallway or mad groping sessions where we pretend we're restraining ourselves. And I would never take away those experiences or the beautiful today.
I'm waiting and growing, developing, and learning, into you... That is what I want, and what I've been missing for a while. I'm serious, and I'm not serious. Something I'm trying to say that really kind of requires poetry, but will have to deal with this stupid.. what do they call them, 'rant' I suppose.
More like an expulsion of the brain that has done more thinking than it realizes, then has seen some shiny distraction before it could put pen to paper.
Anyhow.
Expect nothing and everything, and see what happens. I love that there is no pushing, it's what I want and need. You'll have more than you realized you were getting yourself into, and there will still be some things lacking that you'll have to make do with. I don't mean to be insensitive by saying that... From where I'm coming from, that is how it is. Why isn't the ocean blue when you put it in a cup? Sure, there's probably some 'scientific' reason to explain it away, but isn't it more beautiful if you just accept how you see it?
A lot of concepts rushing through my brain, half of which I've forgotten, but many (if not all) giving me insights to what's happening, what I'm doing, why I'm doing them... Lots of things coming up. Lots to do with Andrew, which I've applied to a relationship standpoint.
I've done the casual play thing, and I've done the relationship thing. Right now I want to have something that's emotionally binding... I want to have a relationship... And I'm trying something new. It's called 'abstinence', yes, shocking, esp. from me, weird... What does it mean, and why? I don't believe in it. I think if you want to have sex, then fine, you're emotionally strong enough, just do it. That's not the point. I want a relationship where sex is just another dimension. We're going to grow together, become best friends, open up, talk, know inside and out, be confident, share and teach. You will know the things behind things, and be able to see how I do, even if you don't agree. You will learn to move physically in a way that I know, as an extension of you (remembering that you are not your thinking brain, but something that watches and learns), and I will teach intuition and empathy. You will teach me things that I haven't even begun to dream of.
When I say perfect, it's vague. It's complicated, it won't seem perfect right away. In actuality, it might seem really rather sub-perfect. Then, when you're basking in the after-glow, you'll realize why it was with subtle hints and know why.
I'm glad and appreciative of enthusiasm, I would never push it away. This is the part where I contradict myself. Baby steps, presentation is important. I know it's exciting, I know I'm desensitized. This is where we take steps to meet each other. I am still working on feeling again, I'm making progress, but it starts anew with each new person and experience. Your excitement is almost intimidating in a way. Looking to the future, will I still cause that excitement? It something I haven't seen before... And that's after realizing and remembering what I have seen. (I'm trying not to be too full of myself and arrogant, or take myself too seriously.... honest) I wouldn't take it away, and I would never ask you to hide (in fact, I would be hurt if you did), but temper and realize where I am and have come from. I cannot pretend I haven't had that before. I can't pretend that it's new to me.
What I'm looking for isn't that furtive glance, that fresh feeling of holding someone's hand in public or kissing on the bus. I'm not looking to have spontaneous make out sessions in the hallway or mad groping sessions where we pretend we're restraining ourselves. And I would never take away those experiences or the beautiful today.
I'm waiting and growing, developing, and learning, into you... That is what I want, and what I've been missing for a while. I'm serious, and I'm not serious. Something I'm trying to say that really kind of requires poetry, but will have to deal with this stupid.. what do they call them, 'rant' I suppose.
More like an expulsion of the brain that has done more thinking than it realizes, then has seen some shiny distraction before it could put pen to paper.
Anyhow.
Expect nothing and everything, and see what happens. I love that there is no pushing, it's what I want and need. You'll have more than you realized you were getting yourself into, and there will still be some things lacking that you'll have to make do with. I don't mean to be insensitive by saying that... From where I'm coming from, that is how it is. Why isn't the ocean blue when you put it in a cup? Sure, there's probably some 'scientific' reason to explain it away, but isn't it more beautiful if you just accept how you see it?