(no subject)
“Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer” says Pintsize, the anthroPC sidekick in J. Jacque’s Questionable Content. The tiny party-loving robot speaks true. Yet each year hundreds of innocent adolescents and young adults are drawn like moths to the hipster flame. Among subcultures hipsters hold a unique place. They are perhaps the only subculture since the Greek sophists to actively deny their own existence. However, the emphatic denial of their origins does not appear to have had any effect on the growing numbers of skinny jean owning, PBR drinking, spectacle wearing, main-stream loathing hipsters.
They pass through urban society with little more than a ripple in used music shops and independent coffee houses. Yet in this hyper-connected world hipster traits are quickly adopted by the mainstream. Many hipsters even admit to adopting mainstream clothing and music tastes to avoid being identified by the masses. Ex. hipster Shaila Lewis explains her Death Cab For Cutie cds with a shrug, “We’re undermining them from within,” she says, “It’s very 1980s soviet-style.” However, this group still constitutes a minor percentage of the sub-genre. Most stick to the well known hipster adage of ditching their favorite bands as soon as the bands sign onto major labels-causing bands like The Shins, The Decemberists, and Nugget Violin to actually decrease in popularity. Decemberists’ lead man Colin Meloy has been quoted crying: “Why do you hate us when we show you nothing but love?” In a comment at Stereogum (the music blog) Zachary Mendez, self-proclaimed hipster replied with the ultimate combination of irony and self-loathing, “Because.”
However, the authenticity of the above source has been called into question by statute 135# of the Hipster’s Official Urban Handbook (or to call it by its one word market code-name: Wool).
“135#: No hipster shall ever admit to being a hipster, even under threat of non-fair trade coffee and Dave Matthews Band”
In fact, this tenant of the sub-culture has led to several disturbing incidents in the locality of Portland, Oregon. When asked by a passerby if she was a hipster Dora Burns (19) spontaneously combusted from pure irony. Christopher Knox (25) described this occurrence as “common, especially in the area around American Apparel outlets”.
However, the subculture itself is under threat from an unexpected source. With the numbers of vintage clothing dropping at landmark speeds hipsters may soon have to turn to ‘90s clothing as their last option in thrift clothes. Though many hipsters are resigned to the fate, Faye Martin (23) swears, “I’ll never turn to ‘90s clothing-I’d rather start drinking Miller Light”. However, other hipsters, especially in the area of San Francisco, say they have high hopes of clothing from the 1890s. Robert Duvall (27) even goes so far to call it, “the Alaska of vintage, but without the moose”.
This serious problem posing an important nonexistent sub-culture is being ignored by society at large, with the hipsters being dismissed as “damn hippies without the smell.” Yet, even as disaster looms the hipster elite is being flooded with huge numbers of hipsters and fake-hipsters alike. The recent population boom can be seen in the rise of Pitchfork Media, the increasing number of French degrees, and the popularity of Jean Luc Godard. When asked about the impending end of his subculture Jared Lee was nonchalant, “It’s not a big deal-we’ll find a way. We are hipst--” The rest of Mr. Lee’s comment is unfortunately lost to us, as he burst into flames several seconds later.