Free floating miasmas and other silly excuses
I haven’t slept well lately; I keep waking up startled and/or anxious; my days have been wasted -I walk around in a half haze worrying about projects I need or want to finish or pursue. I thought perhaps this unsettling state of mind was just another free-floating miasmic episode (very common in these southern tales of woe-miasmas and swamp gas- at least I seemed to have skipped the gas-at least for the moment…). There’s a lot of chaos in my life- my brother is in the hospital and has been for over a week, he recently found out that he’s going to need dialysis and is freaking out and when he freaks out I’m his support- his life bleeds all over mine. My uncle is in town lamenting days past, commending me on the sacrifices I’ve made to keep the family afloat and exuding sympathy - I’ve had to constantly reassure him that everything will be fine. It’s been a tiring and incredibly annoying. Annoying not because I don’t appreciate my Uncles sincere desire to be supportive and not because I find my brother’s plight unworthy but because It all feeds my urge to blame my mucky head space on the family . Me thinks me smells BULLSHIT!
Today I realized that every time there’s a family drama I shut down my life and go into caregiver/fixer of all things mode. It is so much easier to deal with problems outside myself than to push forward with the things that enrich my life. I do go on and on…
Anyway- I started writing a new song today and felt immediately more focused. I need to keep up this momentum and not lose track of me.