(no subject)
This was quite an eventful weekend.
its cold... my nipples are hard ....yeah... anyways :p......
Well yeah, I went to work, and then to tj to spend some time with diego, I wanted to drink absinthe so bad. but yeah the liquor store was closed,
i still dont think he went to look for it…. i kinda have an idea why but im not sure. I kinda jump to conclusions too fast, and my conclusions are NEVER accurate, they're always more complicated :p
but yeah, this one conclusion kinda makes sense.. hnm..
well yeah, the clubs were really fun and stuff. and then we went back and yeah, Alex2 (alex’s boyfriend) told me something about diego that really bothered me... like hardcore..
after Alex2 told me that thing about diego, immediately i saw diego with different eyes. I saw him from a completely different perspective
It was a really ugly view it was not a nice perspective,
i saw him empty..
well i was kinda tipsy... yeah tipsy.......... okay i was DRUNK, but not that drunk,….just a little drunk :p
so my reaction was just to suppress everything i felt at that moment and to just be like whatever, so i was like nothing had happened,
well except that i was checking out other guys.. kinda more intensely than what i usually do . and ignoring diego..
so yeah, then we went back to alex's place and stuff and it was time to go to sleep.
i was not mad. i was just really disappointed.
but oh well, i thought that these things happen. And that I had to get over it.
I consider my self an emotionally strong person. I’ve been through really bad things, so when something like this happens
I am never going to start crying. I’m just going to be there with a blank face. All the sadness and anger and all those feelings
are just going to be internal, I don’t really show my emotions. I tend to hide them. And later on they build up and just get out
some way or another. Im usually by myself when this happens. So no one really knows this side of me….
Well yeah going back to my other point
I was telling diego some things indirectly. I wanted some time to think about stuff. So I was just saying that I knew that something was wrong and that my tarot cards told me. And that I needed to do another reading to find out what it was. So yeah…
He probably thought I was crazy lol….
He sent a text message to my alex, and yeah, he told him through the text about the tarot cards, alex and I were laughing because
it did sound like I was crazy lol. But yeah, I just said that to get some time. I really would not break up with someone because
of the tarot cards. I do believe in them. But something like that I would have to see it.
(ugh he said that I said this thing about “no te necesito” and I DO KNOW AS A FACT THAT I DID NOT SAY THAT HE MIGHT
HAVE understood that, BUT I DID NOT SAY THAT, I WAS NOT THAT DRUNK, AND THOSE WORDS DO NOT SOUND
LIKE ME, I WOULD NEVER REALLY SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT, NOT EVEN ON DRUGS, AND MUCH LESS ALCOHOL….
Now I do remember what I said, and I can tell diego exactly what I said.)
Ugh…. Yeah….
Well yeah, when we were laying down I told him that something was not right.. I did not even wanna touch him nor anything..
Yeah Alex2 told me that diego had just got fucked by his ex, and that diego told him that he was only going to top me
and that he had one to top him and that he had me as his bottom….he swears . Isn’t that gross? That really disgusted me….
So well diego left…after I told him what Im supposedly unable to remember because I was so drunk.
After a while Alex2 came back from his conversation with diego, and well, Alex2 and I
Began talking about their conversation.. what really stood out that diego was mad about was about the money that he
spends on going to see me and all about money money money…. Damn well that really made me think that he is a SERiosly materialistic person, I knew before that he was materialistic. But not really to that extent. I clearly remember he said once “el amor cuesta”
I had never seen love like a way of spending money. Although it is true, but it was just a really material thought.
One thing about me is that I really hate materialistic people. It is good to have tons of money, but it is not good when it becomes an obsession.
Well.. I have to give him credit for not being really ALL about money. He is actually a …. Well I don’t know how to say it in English, so ill write it in Spanish “humilde” like he actually does not look down at people with less than him. He actually helps people.. that’s a really good thing when you think about it. I guess that was one of the major reasons that I made an exception with him.. I guess that to him it is not that MUCH of an obsession…
Well yeah, he told me also other stuff about diego’s ex…I don’t remember his name, so lets call him “X”
Well, his x really seems (according to what I was told) to not wanting even to get over diego.. well a four year relationship is a really long time. I bet it is hard… and I bet his x is probably still in love with him. It’s probably going to take him a lot longer to get over diego, than diego over his X.
Well yeah, after that conversation I really thought of X like an obsessed maniac, willing to tell diego’s parents about his sexual preference if he doesn’t go back with him. Well I was told that he did already :S……….
And well yeah. At that moment I felt sorry for him.
Well yeah, after the conversation between efren and Alex2 happened, we went to sleep. I woke up like at 8. and then like yeah. Later on that day diego came to “visit” so well, I thought that he’s at least gonna know what he lost.
So I was all wearing my jeans all low, and I was wearing some hot underwear. And I was shirtless, (my abs are coming back)
so yeah it was hot :p.
Aaaanndd ummm…. Yeah im going to get an even better body, I really want to find out if I am genetically blessed… 80 percent of men DO have an 8 pack hidden under their fat. Hopefully I do belong to that 80 percent, so yeah, ive been working out hard to develop it, and im on a diet.. well not really, im vegan and lactose intolerant, so saturated fats are like non existent in my body, and Im eating really helthy.. and A LOT.. so its all good. I am losing body fat, and gaining muscle, so I should have all my 8 pack like in one month (hopefully)
Ummm…. Yeah, diego wanted to talk to me and stuff… and we talked… he said that he did have sex with his X but that
it was when we were getting to know each other, there was really no bond between us…
I was okay with that, it was his right, plus…
I was messing around with another guy that had red hair, and had braces, and was a really nice guy.
he baked cookies for me once :p
And umm.. yeah, we never had sex, we were makeout buddies. He did like me though, I just saw it as a physical thing.
One night I was going to see diego, to tj, but ……..
…. Omg I forgot his name……….
Well yeah, that other guy that had braces.. omg I feel low……….
Well lets call him “Z”
Well yeah, Z wanted to go with me to extasis, but diego was going to be there. And if I would have taken Z to xtasis im sure he would’ve had a bad time there. so I stopped talking to Z. Z was a nice guy, i think it was better to stop messing around and just let Z go. I would not like him to really start liking me..........
and went to TJ with diego. After that I never talked to Z again. I was looking forward to more with Diego.
After a while I asked diego if we were now exclusive for each other. Since we were together but not officially. And he said that yeah, that we now were. So I was just with diego and that’s it.
I know that Diego is going to read this. And I want him to know what I did too. For a moment I thought about not telling him. But if I didn’t then it would begin to bother me, and probably end up eating me up inside.
This feels like Karma doing it’s job…
I did the same to my ex. And I did tell him. I did feel like shit.. I even cried over it, I felt like if I had cheated.
I was not really interested when I met him though… Im the kind of person that if I see that something good might happen, then I give it a try… to see what happens…
My alex knows that.
With time I did become more interested in diego. Probably we would have a stronger relationship if we would have not
been messing around with anyone else while we were dating…..
One thing that still doesn’t fit in my head at all is that if Alex2 and diego are as good friends as they seem,
then why the hell would alex^2 tell me that about Diego..
I mean he is taking shit about diego… I still don’t get it…. It just doesn’t fit in my head that a friend would do that..
Maybe they just don’t really understand each other, I guess they have communication problems or something….
But yeah.. when I’m with diego I feel happy, but when alex^2 is around I feel stupid for being with diego. Why?
…..
Well, if alex^2 truly believes what he told me about diego, think about what he thinks of me..
That I am some stupid guy that is being played with…
I feel that way when alex^2 is around now. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to believe, neither what to think. Two friends don’t do that…
I don’t know who to trust. I know that Alex^2 did not tell me that with bad intentions. And that he jumps to conclusions…
sounds like me :S
Well yeah, what would get me out of these doubts and questions would be to know HOW did alex^2 get to these conclusions. And where did he derive these conclusions from. I guess I still need to talk to him. I can’t be comfortable with these doubts. If I don’t get these doubts cleared up I am not even be able to be fully comfortable with diego.
I need to stop going to clubs and stuff….
I was going out with Adrian when I stopped going clubbing for the first time in two years. We were away from the entire gay scene. We were isolated in our own little realm..
No matter where we were, no matter how many people there was around us, there was always that feeling of privacy. It only felt like only us existed.
I am never gonna forget that time when we spent approximately 24 hours in the back of his jeep, just talking and making out.
In those 24 hours we were not hungry, neither thirsty, and neither had the necessity to go to the restroom. It seriously felt like we had
the entire world for ourselves.
The same happened in the beach. In the middle of the day, or in the morning and sometimes at night we used to just go there,
sit down, eat ice cream, make out, and talk…(ugh once a seagull took a shit on me…. When I Adrian and I were hanging out)
well yeah. We used to talk about everything. We both were fans of books… we both were able to see beauty in many things that people don’t usually see. The beauty in loneliness and depression were the major ones. It’s really difficult to explain, but yeah,
believe it or not those are really powerful emotions that are expressed more beautifully than any other emotions. That’s why really powerful poems are usually about pain, depression and loneliness. Those are the people that able to see and to put those
emotions into words.
Well yeah…
Actually Adrian got me out of a psychological problem. I had a problem of self-identity. It is hard to explain. But it is where
you make everyone believe you are someone that you are not. And well, since everyone thinks your are who you told them
who you were, then you begin believing it yourself. And you get lost in that false identity that you created and you are not yourself anymore. Your are who you said you were. You become the lies that you created for yourself.
It’s probably confusing, but yeah, I don’t want to go into detail about it. Its really sad, and yeah, embarrassing too. But yeah, that happened because of the entire gay scene, the party, sex, and money. I was living my false reality.
And yeah…
That is another reason that I really stopped going clubbing. I was better off in my little realm with Adrian. That way there is no drama, nor rumors, nor all that crap that creates problems between couples.
I actually do want that…
When im with diego, there is something to talk about. Those moments of silence really don’t exist when we are together.
We don’t have to go to the theater, neither to eat, we can just be walking down the street. And just talk, or just be in his room….
Not necessarily messing around but just spending time u know, hanging out.
I’m glad Im writing this.
I had forgotten many things.
Well in the end diego and I were making out and stuff in front of the door of alex’s apartment because we went outside to talk…
I do like this guy. But I really don’t fully trust him. I guess it is going to take time to get that trust. And I really have to find out where did alex^2 come up with that. I have to know before I move on.
Well yeah, its gonna be 1:00am in 5 minutes so im going to go to sleep…
And umm… yeah if I have time, im going to do some tarot readings and im going to put the results online.
And ummm… yeah, im going to sleep then, see you people later. And yeah...
well lets see what happens....