Hey, you can't always fuck up.whighFebruary 3 2004, 23:25:00 UTC
I only know you from Gaia, but I know that you don't always fuck up, no one does.
I'm going to start at the bottom and try to prove you wrong from the bottom, up. Why, because every so often someone's got to help someone else.
You say that you own nothing, not even yourself. Perhaps you might feel that because you don't work for things in your life, and that you have the chance to enjoy some things that people never get the chance to even dream about, that doesn't mean that you own nothing. You have your thoughts, you have your own friends. No one gave them to you, you earned them through trust and through loyalty. Your mistakes and your triumphs have been paid for through your sweat, struggle, and through your failure. I'm not saying that failing is the only thing you do, but even when you fail, you still have something to look at, so that's something. And you can't always be failing, I'm sure that there are things that you have succeeded in. Look at me, I'm posting here and I'v known you for about three months. You have people you care about out there, no matter how badly you think your life is going. And no matter how badly your life may seem to be going, as long as you have those people to lean on, and to talk to, you've made something that you can call your own in the world: connections.
And you have connections in your family as well. Your sister probably can't fault you for being late all the time, you do have things that you're doing, and perhaps you run late. And besides, she's your family, she'll forgive you, no matter how much she might not show it, she's still your sister. And the present your mother still hasn't recieved that she doesn't seem to care about, well perhaps she does care about it, but she knows you will get it to her eventually. Mothers are like that, forgiving. No matter how much they might not seem to be, they will always forgive their child's shortcomings, no matter how minor or major they might be.
Now, about feeling bad that you lost your sister's present; that means you care, that you give a damn about something, and that you are doing your best (or at least want to do your best) that something won't get messed up means that you care about something. And if your sister doesn't seem to care, that's because she trusts you to get her something, maybe not on her birthday, but she's family, she'll forgive you.
Your classes. Well, the only thing that I can say as advise is work hard at it, don't give up, and always do your best. With classes you get what you put in, if you don't put any effort and dedication in, you won't get anything back. I just hope that you can find the motivation to work hard and to help yourself get that passing grade. If necessary, look for someone to help you. They're there, if you look hard enough and have the courage to put aside pride and ask.
As for being empty inside, and doing things to match peoples expectations, everyone does that. What you have to do is stop and take a deep look inside you, around you, and all over the place for something to fill yourself. Maybe a purpose in life, maybe love, maybe anything, but you have to know yourself first. Look inside yourself and do some soul searching. It works, trust me. Life isn't as bleak as it may seem, and people do pay attention to you. Even when you fuck up. They might not point it out to you, and you may consider that not caring, but they just don't want to make you feel down because they noticed that you did something wrong. Most people consider having their mistakes pointed out to them as ridicule.
Besides, if you want someone to point out where you fucked up, I can point something out right now. You assumed that no one cared about you, but you were wrong. Someone you've barely met, someone you hardly know, has taken the time to respond to your own self-loathing with advice (which need not be heeded) because they feel that no one should feel that way about themselves.
Za, take a look around you and stop being pessimistic and cynical. The world isn't intrinsically like that. You do good things, people notice and good things start to happen, but when you get stuck in the loop of bad karma, you can either end up stuck there, or step out.
I'm going to start at the bottom and try to prove you wrong from the bottom, up. Why, because every so often someone's got to help someone else.
You say that you own nothing, not even yourself. Perhaps you might feel that because you don't work for things in your life, and that you have the chance to enjoy some things that people never get the chance to even dream about, that doesn't mean that you own nothing. You have your thoughts, you have your own friends. No one gave them to you, you earned them through trust and through loyalty. Your mistakes and your triumphs have been paid for through your sweat, struggle, and through your failure. I'm not saying that failing is the only thing you do, but even when you fail, you still have something to look at, so that's something. And you can't always be failing, I'm sure that there are things that you have succeeded in. Look at me, I'm posting here and I'v known you for about three months. You have people you care about out there, no matter how badly you think your life is going. And no matter how badly your life may seem to be going, as long as you have those people to lean on, and to talk to, you've made something that you can call your own in the world: connections.
And you have connections in your family as well. Your sister probably can't fault you for being late all the time, you do have things that you're doing, and perhaps you run late. And besides, she's your family, she'll forgive you, no matter how much she might not show it, she's still your sister. And the present your mother still hasn't recieved that she doesn't seem to care about, well perhaps she does care about it, but she knows you will get it to her eventually. Mothers are like that, forgiving. No matter how much they might not seem to be, they will always forgive their child's shortcomings, no matter how minor or major they might be.
Now, about feeling bad that you lost your sister's present; that means you care, that you give a damn about something, and that you are doing your best (or at least want to do your best) that something won't get messed up means that you care about something. And if your sister doesn't seem to care, that's because she trusts you to get her something, maybe not on her birthday, but she's family, she'll forgive you.
Your classes. Well, the only thing that I can say as advise is work hard at it, don't give up, and always do your best. With classes you get what you put in, if you don't put any effort and dedication in, you won't get anything back. I just hope that you can find the motivation to work hard and to help yourself get that passing grade. If necessary, look for someone to help you. They're there, if you look hard enough and have the courage to put aside pride and ask.
As for being empty inside, and doing things to match peoples expectations, everyone does that. What you have to do is stop and take a deep look inside you, around you, and all over the place for something to fill yourself. Maybe a purpose in life, maybe love, maybe anything, but you have to know yourself first. Look inside yourself and do some soul searching. It works, trust me. Life isn't as bleak as it may seem, and people do pay attention to you. Even when you fuck up. They might not point it out to you, and you may consider that not caring, but they just don't want to make you feel down because they noticed that you did something wrong. Most people consider having their mistakes pointed out to them as ridicule.
Besides, if you want someone to point out where you fucked up, I can point something out right now. You assumed that no one cared about you, but you were wrong. Someone you've barely met, someone you hardly know, has taken the time to respond to your own self-loathing with advice (which need not be heeded) because they feel that no one should feel that way about themselves.
Za, take a look around you and stop being pessimistic and cynical. The world isn't intrinsically like that. You do good things, people notice and good things start to happen, but when you get stuck in the loop of bad karma, you can either end up stuck there, or step out.
So step out and brighten up, people care.
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