Acceptance.

[zactanic]

I'm trying to accept this. I know I can't talk to her anymore. I know I can't see her anymore. I was just thinking too far into the future. I was thinking about our futures together, forgetting that she hasn't lived a real life without me. I'm not afraid of the restraining order, because I know they couldn't get one (lack of evidence, lack of reason, etc.). I'm not afraid of what her friends say (they probably talk a lot of shit about me). I'm not afraid of what that guy will say or do (he doesn't even know me, let alone know her). I'm afraid of ruining the best friendship I've ever had. I'm afraid that I've already done that. I was just trying to let her go and live her life like she wanted, but it's hard. I had to do it in a way that was rude and angry because I can't just let her go. I needed her to hate me. I needed her to want me to die. That way she would be as offensive and rude as I was. That way I would feel like she really didn't want me at all and she deserves better. I'm sure there is better out there. I'm sure anybody would be better than me. I just want to be her friend, because she was always the one I could talk to. I can't even tell people how messed up my life is, or even how great it is (ex. my new job, my repaired car, etc.). Nobody listens like she used to. I miss our friendship. I miss the smiles and the morning kisses to wake eachother up, the back rubs, the cuddling late at night, the waking up when we lose eachother from our arms, the skipping and dancing in the streets, all the happy times. But I can live without those if I could just talk to her again in a proper manner. We started out the other day doing exactly that, but somehow I caused a fight and then got threatened and harrassed by her friends and family. I don't know how that happened. I'm sorry about that, seriously sorry.

I hope I get to see her this weekend, but I think Shavaughn revoked her invite to the party. I'm better in person. I can stand proud, say directly, with no misinterpretation on either person's part, exactly what I want to say. I miss her dearly, but I know I have to move on since I destroyed any chance of her returning to me in a relationship. I also have possibly ruined our friendship, which is what I regret the most. I do still blame her friends for making her into this girl who wants to party and have a good time and go out with other guys and all that, but it was my stupid reaction that probably ruined our friendship. Damnit, I am such an ass when it comes to things like this. Sorry Dani. I just want you to be happy, so I'm letting you go, but I need some happiness, too, so please consider being my friend again. Although nobody reads this . . .