Today
Yet another long, boring day. I worked for my landlord a while, cleaning up his newest purchase, another little cabin in the middle of nowhere. I got filthy cleaning up 20 years worth of trash and shit. Rat shit that is. And lots of it. There's also a giant dead rat in the main room of the cabin. I really hope that after I left someone cleaned that beast up because it was rather disgusting.
I still feel awefully alone. I was being a creep earlier this morning and reading through some of Dani's livejournals and I loved reminiscing about the good memories that she put up. I also read from the time that I broke up with her to "live my own life." Of course she was really depressed, probably about the same as I am now, and I would read her journals because I still cared for her. The weather, the area, all these things made us both really depressed while we were seperated. But now, she lives in a gorgeous area with great friends and has a decent job. I live far away, in a shitty town with no friends to really speak of (nobody that I like to hang out with) and no real job. I'm working on changing all those things. But, basically what I am saying is that she won't come to me for comfort any more because she is surrounded by comfort. And I can't go to her for comfort anymore because I made her angry at me.
I want to call her, talk to her, IM her, e-mail her and just read her words, hear her voice. I want to apologize for my immature attitude, and for ruining probably the best friendship I'll ever have. But, it's going to be a while before I'll even get the courage. I feel like I am in high school again, watching her come onto campus with her poodle skirts and watching her hang out with her friends, from a distance, always too afraid to talk and say the wrong thing. Oh well, it'll be a while, but we will be friends again . . . I hope.
Tonight I am going to get drunk again and temporarily fill my depression with retarded stumblings around town (to the Beatnik of course) and then tomorrow I have more shoveling to do (I'm making $18 an hour, so I can't complain too much) and I have to call a couple lawyers (I have a list of guys with openings in their offices from up here to Palm Desert, so I am going to get something full time that gets me legal experience, kind of) and, finally, I must get my engine in my car. It's all ready, I just have to do it. Then I'll have the freedom to go where I want when I want and perhaps that will make me feel better. Maybe . . .
I still feel awefully alone. I was being a creep earlier this morning and reading through some of Dani's livejournals and I loved reminiscing about the good memories that she put up. I also read from the time that I broke up with her to "live my own life." Of course she was really depressed, probably about the same as I am now, and I would read her journals because I still cared for her. The weather, the area, all these things made us both really depressed while we were seperated. But now, she lives in a gorgeous area with great friends and has a decent job. I live far away, in a shitty town with no friends to really speak of (nobody that I like to hang out with) and no real job. I'm working on changing all those things. But, basically what I am saying is that she won't come to me for comfort any more because she is surrounded by comfort. And I can't go to her for comfort anymore because I made her angry at me.
I want to call her, talk to her, IM her, e-mail her and just read her words, hear her voice. I want to apologize for my immature attitude, and for ruining probably the best friendship I'll ever have. But, it's going to be a while before I'll even get the courage. I feel like I am in high school again, watching her come onto campus with her poodle skirts and watching her hang out with her friends, from a distance, always too afraid to talk and say the wrong thing. Oh well, it'll be a while, but we will be friends again . . . I hope.
Tonight I am going to get drunk again and temporarily fill my depression with retarded stumblings around town (to the Beatnik of course) and then tomorrow I have more shoveling to do (I'm making $18 an hour, so I can't complain too much) and I have to call a couple lawyers (I have a list of guys with openings in their offices from up here to Palm Desert, so I am going to get something full time that gets me legal experience, kind of) and, finally, I must get my engine in my car. It's all ready, I just have to do it. Then I'll have the freedom to go where I want when I want and perhaps that will make me feel better. Maybe . . .