Ketchup, Social Anxiety, Cats... Road Trip?
Gah, keeps being a buncha forevers and I keep not really finding time and/or motivation to update more.
Trip to Wisconsin just... ROCKED, ok? AAAH!! Saying how much it rocked would take like, years, maybe that's why I keep not doing so; it'd be a daunting task overflowing with unhealthy levels of awesome. Everything just worked out, from my car getting its rare light-short at the best possible time (I left the driver-side door not quite closed from arrival at Sqiky's till leaving @_@ ) so luckily no dead battery (And since it was in the garage facing in, I couldn't have gotten a jump from anyone!). And the con was just sooo cool, I reviewed it for the new magazine AniCoz volume 1 (along with Ohayocon), and everyone was just so awesome! We found a great alternate route back, saw a UFO, and stuff was just WOOT!!!! XD
What's happened since then? So much that it's all blurring together, so I can't catch up as well as I'd like. I've had rough times n good times. I'm tired n kinda numb but superficially happy and as usual optimistic despite the occasional need to vent.
Currently, I've made a couple tough decisions. One is to go to Otakon this year. I'll probably have to owe Mom for part of my share and charge it on the credit card instead of us all hand over our wads of cash straight away. First I mostly figured I'd go cuz Annette really really really really REALLY wants to go. But I realized I really need to go for me too. I've gotten so business-efficient, roll-with-the-punches, that I almost forget how to be human. :P I really do think I need it. More social time. Cuz my social anxiety has been getting worse.
Speaking of which, I recently went uber-social. First, last Thursday, Alyssa (from the art class I modeled for) had me go see Pirates 3 with her (which, despite its flaws, was still a great movie. I had fun), stroll the mall a bit, and thumb through manga at Borders. We hope to have other time-spending in the future. I had a great time, but it was tough too, cuz I'm just so socially atrophied. Aside from conventions and family outings, I haven't just gone to town with a friend since... man, years and years and years. And even then those were few and far between. This really put into perspective how bad my social anxiety really is: I dread doing it again even though I've gone on about how desperately lonely I get sometimes, and this even though we had nothing but fun.
I definitely gotta do it again and again till I get more comfy with it. Cuz I just can't keep having that kind of reaction to fun.
I was kind of in denial about having social anxiety till my bro Andrew sort of pointed out the obvious. I just thought I was socially atrophied and naturally uncomfortable.
But after 9 or more months on this store job, I find myself getting more and more nervous/nauseated/shaky about going and doing it instead of less, even though I've gotten so good at it. I even look back at it and other jobs I've done, and I feel sick and wonder how I ever could stand to have done those things involving other people. I thought time would make me better. Blah.
Maybe paaaart of it was that durn guy at Giant Eagle. Even though he's gone, I find myself dreading that place the most. Get over it, me! It wasn't a big deal! Jeez! Well... I think what hurt was a detail I learned after the fact. I was actually feeling fine about going back for weeks afterward. But then some other manager-dude (not the one I reported him to directly but another I had to report to on the phone) came up to me one day, brought up the incident, and said "Well don't worry, he doesn't work here anymore. But he had unrelated attendance problems, so that's why we fired him." I don't remember what else he said before he walked away, but I found myself feeling rather stricken. It was like, the just punishment I thought he'd received for his crime, was undone. He got nothing for what he did to me, just mere tardiness/absence! What the hell?!
That... bothered me. It really did. I dunno, maybe the guy thought I felt guilty and just said that so I wouldn't feel like I got somebody fired single-handedly. I admit, I did feel a little guilty for a while, but soon enough I'd settled in and knew he deserved it. But now this guy tells me he got nothing for that?! I think that's what ruined it for me. I thought I was vindicated. Blaaaah...
Anyway, Friday I accidentally got my elderly neighbor's electric bill (still haven't gotten mine... looking through other mailboxes quickly, everyone got the wrong ones, couldn't find mine among them though), and since I'd habitually opened it already, I figured I better give it to him by hand to let him know of the error instead of shoving it back into his mailbox. He invited me in, and ended up buying me beer (which I tried to drink out of politeness but the stuff was just yuck, plus on an empty stomach it gave me quite a buzz @_@ ), we watched The Jerk (which was a pretty good movie, though the humor sure was... unique :) ), and he showed me his record collection n stuff. He clearly is really lonely; he told me repeatedly I could come anytime, even just walk in cuz he doesn't lock his door. He wants to bring me to the retiree club and cook for me and everything. He was a little clingy too; when I finally asserted I had to go (was getting late for the wcrpg session), he hugged me twice and kissed me once (I gave him my cheek) and was crying.
I know... when you're old and lonely, you can be really clingy. I can understand that. There's been days where I've been so lonely I felt I could huggle a robber should one come in. But it was pretty uncomfortable. I sort of regretted already committing myself to spending some of July 4th with him. Dreading more like. I feel good that I gave an old fellow some company, but it's hard to converse cuz our generations are so different, and yeah... for me, my past experiences, and my social anxiety, it was an even harder thing to take. Plus I felt so sorry for him.
All that mix of feelings had me on the verge of breaking down already. And then came the session where, in the chatting beforehand, a very trusted friend launched a misunderstanding that led to me finally breaking down. We're clear now so I won't get into it... but here's the lesson from it: If you're clearly being misunderstood, do NOT keep defending that misunderstanding for fifteen-twenty minutes like you mean it! Change your darn wording so you ARE saying what you mean. He knows that now, factually at least, but this hasn't been the first time. I want it to be the last...
No rest for the weary, the next day I went home to my parents' place. Paul had me go walking with him at nightfall, and we were out for hours. I did have fun with that; walking without a flashlight down the dirt roads, through fields, in the darkness under forest trees. He had a sword and I had a dagger, and a flashlight with low batteries in case of emergency, but we never ended up using it. We thought we'd have the full moon light, but it was completely overcast. The nice thing though, it was a bloodmoon. Not only that, but when it was rising and still visible before the clouds concealed it, it was SO BRIGHT, it looked like a sunrise/sunset all over again! It wasn't just that orange-ish tint like most bloodmoons I've seen, but bright glowing RED. Fitting since our mission for the night was "werewolf hunters." >:)
Boots came with us for the whole journey except the first road. When we came back from that, poof, she was at the end of our driveway and came with us the other directions we went. It was a good bonding experience; Paul had stopped liking her since all she seemed to do was have kittens, nurse kittens, and sleep. But that night she showed her sense of adventure and loyalty, as well as heavy nuzzling.
At one point, the last part of the journey took us down a super dark, thickly wooded road, where Paul has seen/heard/felt a lot of strange, creepy entities before. This was why he'd asked to be able to use my old sword (which I gave to him, the handle was rotting anyway, cheapo Pakistan model. He and a friend made a new handle), because walking that way, it gave him a sense of security.
The creepy thing was... down that road, the lightning-bugs blinked in extreme slow-motion compared to any others in the whole county. The place did indeed feel sinister. And my night vision went completely awry; I saw blue spots everywhere as if I'd just stared right into a huge spotlight, even though I hadn't even looked at the fireflies at the time.
Then at one point, Paul signalled a halt, and obviously was feeling creeped out. And then Boots growled. o.o Ooookay, that did it for us. We agreed to GTFO. The cat, instead of figure-8ing around us like usual, led the way back at an accelerated walk, as fast as she could without us losing sight of her. She wanted no petting, did not do her usual tripping or rolling, she just wanted to get home, and quick. And yet, she didn't abandon us either. On most casual walks when cats go with me, they run the rest of the way on their own once over the final crest of our driveway. But she kept us in her range, to make sure we too got back safely. Only once in the closed breezeway did she gush over us with relief and clinginess.
Needless to say, Paul respects her greatly again, I totally believe him that there's something sinister down that way, and well, despite it being creepy, I had fun. Everyone needs some adventure sometimes, and that was definitely thrilling.
But upon waking late the next day (since that resulted in us going to bed so late it was early), I had to make a tough decision about the cats; I was to take Boots with me, and her two kittens. I plan to put Silver (also called Pretty Boy by my family) in the paper and on fliers n stuff to get him a new home, and keep Poopanook (Yeah... great name... blame my dad and brother Paul :P ), the runt with the short tail, for my brother should he ever get his own place someday. It'd have been easier to leave them home and the parents would have put them in the animal shelter. But... they wouldn't have a chance. There's so many kittens in the paper, and most folks wouldn't go through the adoption process with all the evaluations n fees n stuff, when they could get a kitten for free. But my parents were at their wits' end. And me, well, I passed that years ago, so I figured I can take on one more challenge there.
I put them all in a box with two hand-hold holes and otherwise sealed with duct tape. Put it in the back seat, started down the driveway. Heard chewing. By the time I was at the end of our mile driveway, Boots was out and I just barely kept her from jumping out my open window. Heh, great. ^_^;; I closed the window to just a crack, and figured the kittens would soon be under my pedals. But you know what? They stayed in the box, quiet as could be, and even fell asleep. While Boots ran around bawling and bawling as usual. Even though she's done this a zillion times, she just won't stay calm anymore like the first few times. So much for a traveling cat, it's just not her thing after all. :P
Well, I knew when I got to the apartment things could easily become chaos. I found out the kittens were still in the box, so I picked it up, but Boots came out the open door. Luckly she ran under the car rather than away. I left the door open so she could go back in if she felt like bolting anywhere, and prayed she wouldn't be lost as I carried the box into the apartment building and up the stairs.
But then I heard noise, and looked back. She was running up the stairs. She remembered the way up and down since I'd taken her on a leash so many times. Yaaay! So she waited for me by the door until I got it unlocked, and flowed right in.
They all settled down nicely. Kittens adapt readily, and she knew this place. I went to Kroger and got some cheap catfood, then Mooly Mart for some vitamins to supplement it (it said it was nutritionally complete, but so many corn/wheat ingredients, I don't think cats actually absorb that stuff too well), so I crumble vitamins into the food for them. Mostly to fatten up poor skinny Boots. They're sucking her dry when she gives in to 'em. All the more reason to get rid of one or both. I plan to bring Poopanook back to them for a while maybe next week to give her time to dry up. Then bring her back the next week for Otakon since being alone for nearly a week would suck for her.
But... this is hard. I teared up about it a few times. Silver's just so gentle and quiet sometimes. He looks right in my eyes, watches everything, learns so much just from watching me keep the other cats in line, and he cuddles and purrs so gently. But Poopanook's got that unique tail, and is constantly following me like Jeffy the duckling used to, looking at me adoringly, getting on my lap any instant it can be considered a lap. Plus Paul really wants him.
I feel bad favoring him over Silver. Silver's smartness and quiet contemplative look makes it seem like he's aware of it and everything. And when that made me bawl, he wrapped his arms around my arm and snuggled, purring really loudly. That made me bawl worse. :/
I need to look at it this way: He's such a wonderful cat, someone out there really needs a companion like him. But dangit... I worry they won't appreciate his intelligence. Plus... Gaaah! I really shouldn't have lumped this on myself with everything else going on. But I just couldn't leave him to the mercy of an overcrowded shelter that practices necessary murder regularly.
*siiiiiiiigh*
Anyway, now the latest development even as I was writing all that: Another auditor from Indiana is overrun by her work schedule, is even a week behind, due to family tragedy. She's got jobs in Louisville, Kentucky, that need done as soon as possible. I figured, I only had the CPG check this week, and boy do I need extra income. So I'm taking it.
This'll be quite an adventure. I hope I don't wreck while being confused. @_@ And the holiday traffic will probably cause problems. But, I'll do my bestest. I'll have to find a cheap hotel and give the receipt to my company so they can reimburse me. Doing my usual job in a different place in a different state in a different way will be like, whoah! ^_^;; But... I love road trips, I needs munny, and she needs help. So, fwee!
Gonna call Mom for some last minute tips, and study the handbook on transmitting my work from hotels, and compare the lists since I can't get the physical scan list I need. This'll be tough! And no time to even let it sink in! Aaaah! XD Anyone wanna come with me? LOL
Trip to Wisconsin just... ROCKED, ok? AAAH!! Saying how much it rocked would take like, years, maybe that's why I keep not doing so; it'd be a daunting task overflowing with unhealthy levels of awesome. Everything just worked out, from my car getting its rare light-short at the best possible time (I left the driver-side door not quite closed from arrival at Sqiky's till leaving @_@ ) so luckily no dead battery (And since it was in the garage facing in, I couldn't have gotten a jump from anyone!). And the con was just sooo cool, I reviewed it for the new magazine AniCoz volume 1 (along with Ohayocon), and everyone was just so awesome! We found a great alternate route back, saw a UFO, and stuff was just WOOT!!!! XD
What's happened since then? So much that it's all blurring together, so I can't catch up as well as I'd like. I've had rough times n good times. I'm tired n kinda numb but superficially happy and as usual optimistic despite the occasional need to vent.
Currently, I've made a couple tough decisions. One is to go to Otakon this year. I'll probably have to owe Mom for part of my share and charge it on the credit card instead of us all hand over our wads of cash straight away. First I mostly figured I'd go cuz Annette really really really really REALLY wants to go. But I realized I really need to go for me too. I've gotten so business-efficient, roll-with-the-punches, that I almost forget how to be human. :P I really do think I need it. More social time. Cuz my social anxiety has been getting worse.
Speaking of which, I recently went uber-social. First, last Thursday, Alyssa (from the art class I modeled for) had me go see Pirates 3 with her (which, despite its flaws, was still a great movie. I had fun), stroll the mall a bit, and thumb through manga at Borders. We hope to have other time-spending in the future. I had a great time, but it was tough too, cuz I'm just so socially atrophied. Aside from conventions and family outings, I haven't just gone to town with a friend since... man, years and years and years. And even then those were few and far between. This really put into perspective how bad my social anxiety really is: I dread doing it again even though I've gone on about how desperately lonely I get sometimes, and this even though we had nothing but fun.
I definitely gotta do it again and again till I get more comfy with it. Cuz I just can't keep having that kind of reaction to fun.
I was kind of in denial about having social anxiety till my bro Andrew sort of pointed out the obvious. I just thought I was socially atrophied and naturally uncomfortable.
But after 9 or more months on this store job, I find myself getting more and more nervous/nauseated/shaky about going and doing it instead of less, even though I've gotten so good at it. I even look back at it and other jobs I've done, and I feel sick and wonder how I ever could stand to have done those things involving other people. I thought time would make me better. Blah.
Maybe paaaart of it was that durn guy at Giant Eagle. Even though he's gone, I find myself dreading that place the most. Get over it, me! It wasn't a big deal! Jeez! Well... I think what hurt was a detail I learned after the fact. I was actually feeling fine about going back for weeks afterward. But then some other manager-dude (not the one I reported him to directly but another I had to report to on the phone) came up to me one day, brought up the incident, and said "Well don't worry, he doesn't work here anymore. But he had unrelated attendance problems, so that's why we fired him." I don't remember what else he said before he walked away, but I found myself feeling rather stricken. It was like, the just punishment I thought he'd received for his crime, was undone. He got nothing for what he did to me, just mere tardiness/absence! What the hell?!
That... bothered me. It really did. I dunno, maybe the guy thought I felt guilty and just said that so I wouldn't feel like I got somebody fired single-handedly. I admit, I did feel a little guilty for a while, but soon enough I'd settled in and knew he deserved it. But now this guy tells me he got nothing for that?! I think that's what ruined it for me. I thought I was vindicated. Blaaaah...
Anyway, Friday I accidentally got my elderly neighbor's electric bill (still haven't gotten mine... looking through other mailboxes quickly, everyone got the wrong ones, couldn't find mine among them though), and since I'd habitually opened it already, I figured I better give it to him by hand to let him know of the error instead of shoving it back into his mailbox. He invited me in, and ended up buying me beer (which I tried to drink out of politeness but the stuff was just yuck, plus on an empty stomach it gave me quite a buzz @_@ ), we watched The Jerk (which was a pretty good movie, though the humor sure was... unique :) ), and he showed me his record collection n stuff. He clearly is really lonely; he told me repeatedly I could come anytime, even just walk in cuz he doesn't lock his door. He wants to bring me to the retiree club and cook for me and everything. He was a little clingy too; when I finally asserted I had to go (was getting late for the wcrpg session), he hugged me twice and kissed me once (I gave him my cheek) and was crying.
I know... when you're old and lonely, you can be really clingy. I can understand that. There's been days where I've been so lonely I felt I could huggle a robber should one come in. But it was pretty uncomfortable. I sort of regretted already committing myself to spending some of July 4th with him. Dreading more like. I feel good that I gave an old fellow some company, but it's hard to converse cuz our generations are so different, and yeah... for me, my past experiences, and my social anxiety, it was an even harder thing to take. Plus I felt so sorry for him.
All that mix of feelings had me on the verge of breaking down already. And then came the session where, in the chatting beforehand, a very trusted friend launched a misunderstanding that led to me finally breaking down. We're clear now so I won't get into it... but here's the lesson from it: If you're clearly being misunderstood, do NOT keep defending that misunderstanding for fifteen-twenty minutes like you mean it! Change your darn wording so you ARE saying what you mean. He knows that now, factually at least, but this hasn't been the first time. I want it to be the last...
No rest for the weary, the next day I went home to my parents' place. Paul had me go walking with him at nightfall, and we were out for hours. I did have fun with that; walking without a flashlight down the dirt roads, through fields, in the darkness under forest trees. He had a sword and I had a dagger, and a flashlight with low batteries in case of emergency, but we never ended up using it. We thought we'd have the full moon light, but it was completely overcast. The nice thing though, it was a bloodmoon. Not only that, but when it was rising and still visible before the clouds concealed it, it was SO BRIGHT, it looked like a sunrise/sunset all over again! It wasn't just that orange-ish tint like most bloodmoons I've seen, but bright glowing RED. Fitting since our mission for the night was "werewolf hunters." >:)
Boots came with us for the whole journey except the first road. When we came back from that, poof, she was at the end of our driveway and came with us the other directions we went. It was a good bonding experience; Paul had stopped liking her since all she seemed to do was have kittens, nurse kittens, and sleep. But that night she showed her sense of adventure and loyalty, as well as heavy nuzzling.
At one point, the last part of the journey took us down a super dark, thickly wooded road, where Paul has seen/heard/felt a lot of strange, creepy entities before. This was why he'd asked to be able to use my old sword (which I gave to him, the handle was rotting anyway, cheapo Pakistan model. He and a friend made a new handle), because walking that way, it gave him a sense of security.
The creepy thing was... down that road, the lightning-bugs blinked in extreme slow-motion compared to any others in the whole county. The place did indeed feel sinister. And my night vision went completely awry; I saw blue spots everywhere as if I'd just stared right into a huge spotlight, even though I hadn't even looked at the fireflies at the time.
Then at one point, Paul signalled a halt, and obviously was feeling creeped out. And then Boots growled. o.o Ooookay, that did it for us. We agreed to GTFO. The cat, instead of figure-8ing around us like usual, led the way back at an accelerated walk, as fast as she could without us losing sight of her. She wanted no petting, did not do her usual tripping or rolling, she just wanted to get home, and quick. And yet, she didn't abandon us either. On most casual walks when cats go with me, they run the rest of the way on their own once over the final crest of our driveway. But she kept us in her range, to make sure we too got back safely. Only once in the closed breezeway did she gush over us with relief and clinginess.
Needless to say, Paul respects her greatly again, I totally believe him that there's something sinister down that way, and well, despite it being creepy, I had fun. Everyone needs some adventure sometimes, and that was definitely thrilling.
But upon waking late the next day (since that resulted in us going to bed so late it was early), I had to make a tough decision about the cats; I was to take Boots with me, and her two kittens. I plan to put Silver (also called Pretty Boy by my family) in the paper and on fliers n stuff to get him a new home, and keep Poopanook (Yeah... great name... blame my dad and brother Paul :P ), the runt with the short tail, for my brother should he ever get his own place someday. It'd have been easier to leave them home and the parents would have put them in the animal shelter. But... they wouldn't have a chance. There's so many kittens in the paper, and most folks wouldn't go through the adoption process with all the evaluations n fees n stuff, when they could get a kitten for free. But my parents were at their wits' end. And me, well, I passed that years ago, so I figured I can take on one more challenge there.
I put them all in a box with two hand-hold holes and otherwise sealed with duct tape. Put it in the back seat, started down the driveway. Heard chewing. By the time I was at the end of our mile driveway, Boots was out and I just barely kept her from jumping out my open window. Heh, great. ^_^;; I closed the window to just a crack, and figured the kittens would soon be under my pedals. But you know what? They stayed in the box, quiet as could be, and even fell asleep. While Boots ran around bawling and bawling as usual. Even though she's done this a zillion times, she just won't stay calm anymore like the first few times. So much for a traveling cat, it's just not her thing after all. :P
Well, I knew when I got to the apartment things could easily become chaos. I found out the kittens were still in the box, so I picked it up, but Boots came out the open door. Luckly she ran under the car rather than away. I left the door open so she could go back in if she felt like bolting anywhere, and prayed she wouldn't be lost as I carried the box into the apartment building and up the stairs.
But then I heard noise, and looked back. She was running up the stairs. She remembered the way up and down since I'd taken her on a leash so many times. Yaaay! So she waited for me by the door until I got it unlocked, and flowed right in.
They all settled down nicely. Kittens adapt readily, and she knew this place. I went to Kroger and got some cheap catfood, then Mooly Mart for some vitamins to supplement it (it said it was nutritionally complete, but so many corn/wheat ingredients, I don't think cats actually absorb that stuff too well), so I crumble vitamins into the food for them. Mostly to fatten up poor skinny Boots. They're sucking her dry when she gives in to 'em. All the more reason to get rid of one or both. I plan to bring Poopanook back to them for a while maybe next week to give her time to dry up. Then bring her back the next week for Otakon since being alone for nearly a week would suck for her.
But... this is hard. I teared up about it a few times. Silver's just so gentle and quiet sometimes. He looks right in my eyes, watches everything, learns so much just from watching me keep the other cats in line, and he cuddles and purrs so gently. But Poopanook's got that unique tail, and is constantly following me like Jeffy the duckling used to, looking at me adoringly, getting on my lap any instant it can be considered a lap. Plus Paul really wants him.
I feel bad favoring him over Silver. Silver's smartness and quiet contemplative look makes it seem like he's aware of it and everything. And when that made me bawl, he wrapped his arms around my arm and snuggled, purring really loudly. That made me bawl worse. :/
I need to look at it this way: He's such a wonderful cat, someone out there really needs a companion like him. But dangit... I worry they won't appreciate his intelligence. Plus... Gaaah! I really shouldn't have lumped this on myself with everything else going on. But I just couldn't leave him to the mercy of an overcrowded shelter that practices necessary murder regularly.
*siiiiiiiigh*
Anyway, now the latest development even as I was writing all that: Another auditor from Indiana is overrun by her work schedule, is even a week behind, due to family tragedy. She's got jobs in Louisville, Kentucky, that need done as soon as possible. I figured, I only had the CPG check this week, and boy do I need extra income. So I'm taking it.
This'll be quite an adventure. I hope I don't wreck while being confused. @_@ And the holiday traffic will probably cause problems. But, I'll do my bestest. I'll have to find a cheap hotel and give the receipt to my company so they can reimburse me. Doing my usual job in a different place in a different state in a different way will be like, whoah! ^_^;; But... I love road trips, I needs munny, and she needs help. So, fwee!
Gonna call Mom for some last minute tips, and study the handbook on transmitting my work from hotels, and compare the lists since I can't get the physical scan list I need. This'll be tough! And no time to even let it sink in! Aaaah! XD Anyone wanna come with me? LOL