Angst...
Man... made it with an hour and a half to spare. Toward the end I was barely-walking wounded; my feet hurt so bad I had to stand on the outer edges with my legs bowed to alleiviate the pain a little. My legs felt like lead infused with red-hot iron. My neck and head wanted me to loosen the vice that gripped them. But near the end I got a second-wind and barreled on with determination until it was done. I figured I should get bread there since the generic was cheaper than anything in Parkersburg, but I was so past done I didn't care and just plodded to my car. I just wanted to get home and get the job transmitted. So I did.
I stayed in survival mode a little while, realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and so ate, then went right to bed. I slept decently but phonecalls kept waking me up. What part of "Do-Not-Call List" don't they understand?
Blah, I know, it's not like me to actually describe my pain and stuff, I usually just gloss over it amidst a buncha rueful smilies. But this is really getting rough. And now despite being tired and absolutely sore all over, I can't sleep. Had a 4 hour nap but that's it. I need rest before the college work dangit... Dunno what the deal is this time. Maybe survival mode is finding it hard to go away. Maybe I'm in just plain too much pain to sleep, I dunno. It's not just sore muscles; my joints are screaming at me, and my neck and head are tag-teaming me with spiked everythings.
*sigh* As I always say though... oh well. Guess I'll get started on showering, get it over with, since it will end up taking hours in stupid segments anyway. Wish I could just go in n out in 15 minutes or so like a normal person. Instead it's become a rather torturous part of my day (not just the annoying scrubbing and shaving, but the stupid neck pain...), taking away time I need for recovering from the store-work or just plain being creative anymore. I wanna make AMVs, I wanna draw pictures, I wanna finish backstories for both RPGs I'm in. I NEED to get a freakin' manga started so I can get on the map and have something art-related to put on my resume. But, all that has to take the back-burner when I have so little day left all the time.
And... some dude I'd rather forget somehow went and added me to his Yahoo friend list. Dunno how he found my new Yahoo ID. But he did. He's a guy who I was very close friends with online; we'd voice-chat nights and nights away. He called me on the phone a lot. He liked to hear me sing Japanese songs. He started on teaching me Japanese. He was so into anime and Japan that he was taking advanced cultural courses, and last I knew was getting ready to take a test where he had to give a whole big speech in Japanese. The winner would get a trip to Japan.
Well, at some point years ago, back when we lived at our old house (at least 5 or 6 ago then), he had told me he would love to come to Otakon with me and Annette. I was getting excited; Otakon's fun, I'd get to meet Jeff face-to-face, we could juuuust handle the hotel costs with his help, etc. But, as time wore on, he kept not being online. I left him emails, phone messages, offline messages, everything, wanting to know what our arrangements would be. No answer, no answer...
Finally, on like two nights (or maybe the very night) before Otakon, he had the gall to come online, with his traditional happy greating "Hola chica!". I was like "Crap man! What are we gonna do about Otakon?!" Jeff said something like "Huh... I forgot about that."
I went "Well we gotta do something! I don't think we can afford the hotel by ourselves!" (I forget if we had other ppl also planned to be there or not, my memory sucks, but it was still very questionable whether or not we could afford our portion) So Jeff goes, "Well, it's too short a notice. Besides, I'm not that much into anime anyway."
..........Not.......into........anime?
For a moment I wondered if it wasn't him. I might have interrogated him to find out what he knew about me and he tested positive. It was really Jeff. And there he was, saying that he wasn't into anime. This guy, who had obsessed over Dragonball Z and Kenshin and so many other things with me for YEARS, who has Role-Played as a Saiya-jin with me on Yahoo Chat which is HOW I MET HIM..... wasn't into anime. He didn't say "anymore" or anything. To my query on that, he said, "I never really did."
.......That freakin' did it. It's not that I was mad at him for not coming to Otakon, leaving us to drastically shorten our hotel time (and maybe other drastic measures which once more I forget). It's not that I was mad at him for not liking anime. I was mad at him for either doing a damned good job of deceiving me all those years, or suddenly doing a complete 180 on me as to what kind of person he is. He said a lot of hurtful things after that, which I once more can't remember for my blur of tears and anger.
It doesn't sound like a big deal in text here... But it's really hard to explain. I mean sheesh, I might have grown to love that guy for crying out loud. For him to just suddenly change, denying the very thing which had brought us together... That was too much. So he went on my Ignore list.
Later, I took a different Yahoo name, leaving my Sonja the Saiya-jin RPG character behind, and also, Jeff.
But now, the other day, here's a new friend-notification, and I instantly recognize the email address. He found me. When I'd thought I could just forget about him and leave it all behind me.
So I went "Ahh what the hell, at worst I can chew him out, or maybe he can explain what the heck happened with him those years ago." So I accepted the adding and added him. He was online. And so, I waited. Waited for him to be a man and message me first.
Waited.... waited....
Day went by, nothing. Finally at night I closed Yahoo. Woke up, opened it, he was gone. Haven't seen him since. Been maybe two, three days. Maybe four. I dunno, it all blurred with that sleepless working.
I guess next time, if he ever shows up again, I'll be forced to take the initiative. But what the heck can I say? *sigh* Wish he'd use the same balls he used to say that crap to me years ago, and used to add me to his list, to freakin' say WHY he'd tracked me down.
......Once more, oh well. Gonna go take the stupid shower. Then I'll cut my wrists and cry, causing my black eye-liner to flow down my cheeks, marking the paths of my misery. (extreme sarcasm there, btw) :P Heh, don't worry about me, I'm not as emo as I sound. Just venting the buildup so I can move on.
("One Thousand Apologies"... most sincere apology-song I've ever heard. Sometimes I like to imagine folks who've broken my heart being that sorry. Helps me forgive 'em. Which is why I tend not to carry grudges very long (except in this case with Jeff... I really was forgetting about it till now though @_@ ). Hmm, anyone know of any other rock songs that effectively use bagpipes? This one only has a little in the refrain but it's still cool. I also like "Spielmannsfluch" by In Extremo for the bagpipe usage (more upbeat/fun, that song is). I guess I'm on a skillful-use-of-bagpipes-in-rock phase... someone feed meh!)
I stayed in survival mode a little while, realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and so ate, then went right to bed. I slept decently but phonecalls kept waking me up. What part of "Do-Not-Call List" don't they understand?
Blah, I know, it's not like me to actually describe my pain and stuff, I usually just gloss over it amidst a buncha rueful smilies. But this is really getting rough. And now despite being tired and absolutely sore all over, I can't sleep. Had a 4 hour nap but that's it. I need rest before the college work dangit... Dunno what the deal is this time. Maybe survival mode is finding it hard to go away. Maybe I'm in just plain too much pain to sleep, I dunno. It's not just sore muscles; my joints are screaming at me, and my neck and head are tag-teaming me with spiked everythings.
*sigh* As I always say though... oh well. Guess I'll get started on showering, get it over with, since it will end up taking hours in stupid segments anyway. Wish I could just go in n out in 15 minutes or so like a normal person. Instead it's become a rather torturous part of my day (not just the annoying scrubbing and shaving, but the stupid neck pain...), taking away time I need for recovering from the store-work or just plain being creative anymore. I wanna make AMVs, I wanna draw pictures, I wanna finish backstories for both RPGs I'm in. I NEED to get a freakin' manga started so I can get on the map and have something art-related to put on my resume. But, all that has to take the back-burner when I have so little day left all the time.
And... some dude I'd rather forget somehow went and added me to his Yahoo friend list. Dunno how he found my new Yahoo ID. But he did. He's a guy who I was very close friends with online; we'd voice-chat nights and nights away. He called me on the phone a lot. He liked to hear me sing Japanese songs. He started on teaching me Japanese. He was so into anime and Japan that he was taking advanced cultural courses, and last I knew was getting ready to take a test where he had to give a whole big speech in Japanese. The winner would get a trip to Japan.
Well, at some point years ago, back when we lived at our old house (at least 5 or 6 ago then), he had told me he would love to come to Otakon with me and Annette. I was getting excited; Otakon's fun, I'd get to meet Jeff face-to-face, we could juuuust handle the hotel costs with his help, etc. But, as time wore on, he kept not being online. I left him emails, phone messages, offline messages, everything, wanting to know what our arrangements would be. No answer, no answer...
Finally, on like two nights (or maybe the very night) before Otakon, he had the gall to come online, with his traditional happy greating "Hola chica!". I was like "Crap man! What are we gonna do about Otakon?!" Jeff said something like "Huh... I forgot about that."
I went "Well we gotta do something! I don't think we can afford the hotel by ourselves!" (I forget if we had other ppl also planned to be there or not, my memory sucks, but it was still very questionable whether or not we could afford our portion) So Jeff goes, "Well, it's too short a notice. Besides, I'm not that much into anime anyway."
..........Not.......into........anime?
For a moment I wondered if it wasn't him. I might have interrogated him to find out what he knew about me and he tested positive. It was really Jeff. And there he was, saying that he wasn't into anime. This guy, who had obsessed over Dragonball Z and Kenshin and so many other things with me for YEARS, who has Role-Played as a Saiya-jin with me on Yahoo Chat which is HOW I MET HIM..... wasn't into anime. He didn't say "anymore" or anything. To my query on that, he said, "I never really did."
.......That freakin' did it. It's not that I was mad at him for not coming to Otakon, leaving us to drastically shorten our hotel time (and maybe other drastic measures which once more I forget). It's not that I was mad at him for not liking anime. I was mad at him for either doing a damned good job of deceiving me all those years, or suddenly doing a complete 180 on me as to what kind of person he is. He said a lot of hurtful things after that, which I once more can't remember for my blur of tears and anger.
It doesn't sound like a big deal in text here... But it's really hard to explain. I mean sheesh, I might have grown to love that guy for crying out loud. For him to just suddenly change, denying the very thing which had brought us together... That was too much. So he went on my Ignore list.
Later, I took a different Yahoo name, leaving my Sonja the Saiya-jin RPG character behind, and also, Jeff.
But now, the other day, here's a new friend-notification, and I instantly recognize the email address. He found me. When I'd thought I could just forget about him and leave it all behind me.
So I went "Ahh what the hell, at worst I can chew him out, or maybe he can explain what the heck happened with him those years ago." So I accepted the adding and added him. He was online. And so, I waited. Waited for him to be a man and message me first.
Waited.... waited....
Day went by, nothing. Finally at night I closed Yahoo. Woke up, opened it, he was gone. Haven't seen him since. Been maybe two, three days. Maybe four. I dunno, it all blurred with that sleepless working.
I guess next time, if he ever shows up again, I'll be forced to take the initiative. But what the heck can I say? *sigh* Wish he'd use the same balls he used to say that crap to me years ago, and used to add me to his list, to freakin' say WHY he'd tracked me down.
......Once more, oh well. Gonna go take the stupid shower. Then I'll cut my wrists and cry, causing my black eye-liner to flow down my cheeks, marking the paths of my misery. (extreme sarcasm there, btw) :P Heh, don't worry about me, I'm not as emo as I sound. Just venting the buildup so I can move on.
("One Thousand Apologies"... most sincere apology-song I've ever heard. Sometimes I like to imagine folks who've broken my heart being that sorry. Helps me forgive 'em. Which is why I tend not to carry grudges very long (except in this case with Jeff... I really was forgetting about it till now though @_@ ). Hmm, anyone know of any other rock songs that effectively use bagpipes? This one only has a little in the refrain but it's still cool. I also like "Spielmannsfluch" by In Extremo for the bagpipe usage (more upbeat/fun, that song is). I guess I'm on a skillful-use-of-bagpipes-in-rock phase... someone feed meh!)