(no subject)
hello to All Of you. I know its been near forever sence I last posted. But Things in my Life have been odd of late and I haven't felt the will to write take me again till tonight. Hopefully now it will stay with me sence I once again have a true purpous to write.
As Anyone who has read thrue my Early posts knows.. I was extremly depressed when shortly after begaining the journal.. so much so that I had wished for death to come and grant me a sweet kiss... Thankfully thouse days are behind me.. the thanks being to Two wonderful Men. My SoulMate Bormac, and my SoulBrother Patrick.
I can't Thank you two enough.. You've both Saved my life in the truest sence Of the word.
I also Have to thenk the rest Of my friends out there.. your support and careing made Their job a lot easyer I assure you all.
well for the record for any out there who haven't Heard.. i've gone thrue some changes on the spritual level. The panther wasn't my own true animal sprit.. Nor was the fox that came to me a while back.. don't know if I ever mentioned it here. Thay were sent to me to help me thrue some times of toughness and of recovery. But thay could only go so far.. Now that I know Myself.. I have to do the rest without them.
My name is Zackary Erick Rainheart, And I'm a Albino Bengal Tiger. black and white strips and Red eyes.
I also Had a sad childhood.. at least it was sad for me because I was liveing it.
See.. I've keep alot of my past buryed in my mind.. well maybe not a lot but quite a bit of important stuff to me. And well not faceing the events I kept burryed Pretty much Tainted my entire life afterword till now.. even now sometimes things that I know should make me happy don't because of things still hidden from me. But I'm working to get thrue them. and one way is .. well unburdening myself. I'd done so a few times to friends and my mate but still things Haunt me. So maybe doing so here will help farther.
I was molested as a Cub by family friends.. twice before I was 10.
The first time I think I was 7. A guy my dad worked with had set up his trailer in the yard while he and my dad worked on repairing the house my family lived in after a flood. My parents trusted him so sometimes thay would let him babysit me. well shortly after thay would leave he'd get out his playboy magizens and sit me on his lap.. Pawing me off insted of himself.
Another time was when i was in the second grade. I was siting in the kitchen of one of our neibors aptment..(we had moved to some aptments from the house) I was doing my spelling homework when the babysitters husband (this babysitter was a young wonman) and white her being one room away.. just a low divider between the two rooms he starts feeling up my grion telling me in a low voice that someday a woman will make it feel as good as he was. And I just sat there wishing he would go away and trying to do the homework and feeling myself retret even farther into myself... I wanted to cry but couldn't.
I lost any shred of Innosence I had at much too young an age. Maybe thats why I was still playing with toys as a teen. Long after others had put them aside I clung to them. Prehaphs because Althoue I had played just as much as any child growing up.. I never felt joy playing.. I played with them only cause it was expected of me and because it staved off bordom.. and then after i should have grown up.. in a vain attempt to capture some of the joy of childhood I should have had growing up.
There is a reason My self image wears a collor thats locked.. Its because I Know.. I was a slave to the memorys I kept locked within me. And I also know.. That that collor will never come undone.. till I stop hideing from ALL my old pains.. Till I face them all down and overcome the darkest moments in my life. Till then.. its weight will be there.
Thankyou for leting me open up here.
Zackary E. Rainheart
rain like tears
As Anyone who has read thrue my Early posts knows.. I was extremly depressed when shortly after begaining the journal.. so much so that I had wished for death to come and grant me a sweet kiss... Thankfully thouse days are behind me.. the thanks being to Two wonderful Men. My SoulMate Bormac, and my SoulBrother Patrick.
I can't Thank you two enough.. You've both Saved my life in the truest sence Of the word.
I also Have to thenk the rest Of my friends out there.. your support and careing made Their job a lot easyer I assure you all.
well for the record for any out there who haven't Heard.. i've gone thrue some changes on the spritual level. The panther wasn't my own true animal sprit.. Nor was the fox that came to me a while back.. don't know if I ever mentioned it here. Thay were sent to me to help me thrue some times of toughness and of recovery. But thay could only go so far.. Now that I know Myself.. I have to do the rest without them.
My name is Zackary Erick Rainheart, And I'm a Albino Bengal Tiger. black and white strips and Red eyes.
I also Had a sad childhood.. at least it was sad for me because I was liveing it.
See.. I've keep alot of my past buryed in my mind.. well maybe not a lot but quite a bit of important stuff to me. And well not faceing the events I kept burryed Pretty much Tainted my entire life afterword till now.. even now sometimes things that I know should make me happy don't because of things still hidden from me. But I'm working to get thrue them. and one way is .. well unburdening myself. I'd done so a few times to friends and my mate but still things Haunt me. So maybe doing so here will help farther.
I was molested as a Cub by family friends.. twice before I was 10.
The first time I think I was 7. A guy my dad worked with had set up his trailer in the yard while he and my dad worked on repairing the house my family lived in after a flood. My parents trusted him so sometimes thay would let him babysit me. well shortly after thay would leave he'd get out his playboy magizens and sit me on his lap.. Pawing me off insted of himself.
Another time was when i was in the second grade. I was siting in the kitchen of one of our neibors aptment..(we had moved to some aptments from the house) I was doing my spelling homework when the babysitters husband (this babysitter was a young wonman) and white her being one room away.. just a low divider between the two rooms he starts feeling up my grion telling me in a low voice that someday a woman will make it feel as good as he was. And I just sat there wishing he would go away and trying to do the homework and feeling myself retret even farther into myself... I wanted to cry but couldn't.
I lost any shred of Innosence I had at much too young an age. Maybe thats why I was still playing with toys as a teen. Long after others had put them aside I clung to them. Prehaphs because Althoue I had played just as much as any child growing up.. I never felt joy playing.. I played with them only cause it was expected of me and because it staved off bordom.. and then after i should have grown up.. in a vain attempt to capture some of the joy of childhood I should have had growing up.
There is a reason My self image wears a collor thats locked.. Its because I Know.. I was a slave to the memorys I kept locked within me. And I also know.. That that collor will never come undone.. till I stop hideing from ALL my old pains.. Till I face them all down and overcome the darkest moments in my life. Till then.. its weight will be there.
Thankyou for leting me open up here.
Zackary E. Rainheart
rain like tears