On Life
I sense a change in the air...
I have been very lonely lately. VERY lonely. In fact, I can't remember a time when I've felt so alone. I hate it.
In my solitude, I find myself unintentionally evaluating what my life was, what it has become, and what it will be.
It's pretty scary, actually, to sit down and look back on the path you've taken and at the same time try to figure out where that very path will lead you in the future.
I sense that I've been led to a fork in the road and I can't help but feel...lost. My life, at the present, is not what I want it to be. I feel alone, unmotivated, and confused. I've become lazy, cynical, depressed. There are a lot of big things coming up in my life, both personally and professionally. I am about to turn 21, graduate college, go to graduate school, be on my own for real. There is so much that I want to do, to see, to feel, but as it stands it's just not possible right now. There is such a dissonance between who I want to be, and who I am.
So here, at the "crossroads" of my life, I NEED to take another path. I have to make some changes.
It's going to be hard. VERY hard. Not only for me, but for the people I care about. It's going to be a true test of character. I need to try to re-align myself with...myself. I'm scared, that I don't have the strength, that I'm not brave enough... that I'm going to hurt someone.
For example. My sexuality. My brother still doesn't know that I'm gay. Plus, my parents and I never talk about it. I mean, my parents know, and they are supportive, but I think that they are leaving it up to me to talk to them when I need to. But I'm too scared. I'm too insecure. It fills me with such anxiety to even think about bringing it up to my parents. Who would have thought that all the pride I take in being gay vanishes when I'm with my family? Especially when they already know. It's like I need to "re-come out" to them or something. THAT is a path I have to take.
So what does that all mean?
I can't just wait for life to happen to me... I need to happen to life. How dare I become so lazy...become so foolish to think that the things I want from this life will come to me. How dare I try to ignore these feelings. How dare I leave my unfinished business...unfinished.
I do sense a change in the air...a big one.
I have to do what I have to do.
I have been very lonely lately. VERY lonely. In fact, I can't remember a time when I've felt so alone. I hate it.
In my solitude, I find myself unintentionally evaluating what my life was, what it has become, and what it will be.
It's pretty scary, actually, to sit down and look back on the path you've taken and at the same time try to figure out where that very path will lead you in the future.
I sense that I've been led to a fork in the road and I can't help but feel...lost. My life, at the present, is not what I want it to be. I feel alone, unmotivated, and confused. I've become lazy, cynical, depressed. There are a lot of big things coming up in my life, both personally and professionally. I am about to turn 21, graduate college, go to graduate school, be on my own for real. There is so much that I want to do, to see, to feel, but as it stands it's just not possible right now. There is such a dissonance between who I want to be, and who I am.
So here, at the "crossroads" of my life, I NEED to take another path. I have to make some changes.
It's going to be hard. VERY hard. Not only for me, but for the people I care about. It's going to be a true test of character. I need to try to re-align myself with...myself. I'm scared, that I don't have the strength, that I'm not brave enough... that I'm going to hurt someone.
For example. My sexuality. My brother still doesn't know that I'm gay. Plus, my parents and I never talk about it. I mean, my parents know, and they are supportive, but I think that they are leaving it up to me to talk to them when I need to. But I'm too scared. I'm too insecure. It fills me with such anxiety to even think about bringing it up to my parents. Who would have thought that all the pride I take in being gay vanishes when I'm with my family? Especially when they already know. It's like I need to "re-come out" to them or something. THAT is a path I have to take.
So what does that all mean?
I can't just wait for life to happen to me... I need to happen to life. How dare I become so lazy...become so foolish to think that the things I want from this life will come to me. How dare I try to ignore these feelings. How dare I leave my unfinished business...unfinished.
I do sense a change in the air...a big one.
I have to do what I have to do.