Dreams and Wakings
Nothing happened today. At all. I suppose time passed but that doesn't actually mean anything. It's like space expanded. I was conscious most of the day. I was aware of my thoughts although they spun in fractured arcs. The dissonance of the world around me kept me largely walking around and thinking subcoherent thoughts about who I am. I keep wondering about myself and wondering what other people think about me, I become so self-absorbed that it feels good to cross paths with a cat, who takes me out of myself. It is nice to have someone with whom I can attempt communication.
Nothing happened yesterday either. Time seems to have stopped. Someone asked me if I worked today and I said yes. I remember the office. I remember the computer but I cannot remember what I actually did there. I didn't smoke. I feel some pride over that fact alone. It's day number four. But I can't remember anything that I DID do. (I guess I know that I used the bathroom twice.)
Someone asked me my name and it seemed like such a ridiculous question. Some people get so hung up on details and labels of things that they have a hard time simply taking them at face value. I don't really need a name. I'm a person like you. What do you want? Leave me alone!
I'm so sick of people and their prying eyes. I wish I could shut them out. Unwill them.
How did any of us get here? I keep trying to count the days backwards to the very beginning but it gets foggier and foggier as I go. The one thing I know for sure is that I'm unhappy. Why am I unhappy? It seems so arbitrary. I might as well be happy right? I mean if I'm unhappy for no reason maybe I can just flip a switch and start being happy for no reason. But what do I mean by happy? Maybe I'm just low on Seratonin and Dopamine... Maybe I haven't gotten enough sunlight; although that hasn't been a problem for me in three years. Since Florida... Since Erika happened...
Nothing happened yesterday either. Time seems to have stopped. Someone asked me if I worked today and I said yes. I remember the office. I remember the computer but I cannot remember what I actually did there. I didn't smoke. I feel some pride over that fact alone. It's day number four. But I can't remember anything that I DID do. (I guess I know that I used the bathroom twice.)
Someone asked me my name and it seemed like such a ridiculous question. Some people get so hung up on details and labels of things that they have a hard time simply taking them at face value. I don't really need a name. I'm a person like you. What do you want? Leave me alone!
I'm so sick of people and their prying eyes. I wish I could shut them out. Unwill them.
How did any of us get here? I keep trying to count the days backwards to the very beginning but it gets foggier and foggier as I go. The one thing I know for sure is that I'm unhappy. Why am I unhappy? It seems so arbitrary. I might as well be happy right? I mean if I'm unhappy for no reason maybe I can just flip a switch and start being happy for no reason. But what do I mean by happy? Maybe I'm just low on Seratonin and Dopamine... Maybe I haven't gotten enough sunlight; although that hasn't been a problem for me in three years. Since Florida... Since Erika happened...
