(no subject)
This is the first update I've done in what must be fifty years. Something epic happened today.
Sarah and I broke up. Or rather, I was forced to break up with her. I can't even explain what I'm feeling and thinking right now, it can't be put into words.
Ich haettes mir nie forstellen koennen dass unsere Beziehung sich so beenden koentte. Und Wuerde.
In November, I was a huge asshole. I cheated on the only girl I've ever really loved with someone I was intrigued with only because she was a writer and five years older than me. That was basically the beginning of the end. Although Sarah still visited me in Victoria, her whole time there was shit because I didn't pay enough attention to her, I didn't show everyone we met with that she was my life, that I loved her with all my heart. Which I did, in spite of my actions. And I still do love her. I honestly don't think I will ever stop loving her, at least with some of my heart.
Over the next few months, in spite of the fact that it was made clear to me by obvious means that things were very rocky, I continued to not treat her with the respect and devotion she deserved. She pulled me away from Canada for over a year. I gave my life to her, and in my short time in Victoria, it seems I forgot how much I loved her. Wow, I never thought that could happen but it did. After the incident with the girl/woman in Victoria, I never touched another girl, never even thought to. But my mind strayed and perhaps that's just as bad, even though I never considered anything actually happening.
The last week has been the biggest week of ups and downs in the past four months. I think it finally all became clear to me that I couldn't hold onto her forever when Sarah kissed another guy in a club last weekend. Although we were then "broken-up", I was still holding out on it in the hopes that we could work things out and begin to heal. Her kissing that guy smacked me in the face so hard that it felt like my skin was going to fall off. It broke my heart in half and stomped all over it. I never felt that way in my life. I was so sad, so angry, so hurt... I actually couldn't contain my feelings and blah blah there's a hole in my wall next to my bed now. But I didn't react how I thought I might. Although I was hurt, more than by anything ever before, I still wanted to continue, wanted to make that my wakeup call and start the healing. And she and I talked nicely for the next few days, it seemed almost like things were starting to beging to get better. But then yesterday, it went sour.
She doesn't like the company of friends I hold, and that is very clear. She wants her to be the only person I ever think of, the only one I'm interested in. And of course, romantically that makes perfect sense and is only to be expected in a relationship. But friends is also not acceptable, especially a few who will remained unnamed. Expectations that couldn't be met I guess.
Today we talked on the phone, and yeah, things didn't go so well again. It was peaceful for some of it, very bad for other parts, and ended worst of all. Basically I was made to break up with her. She says she can't do it, can't break up with my because she's too dependant. So I was made to do it. And that was the hardest thing I ever did. She sent me over the line, however, when she said "Don't be surprised if I go out again this weekend and kiss another guy in the bar." I couldn't handle that, that was too much.
Nearly two years together, and that's how it goes. She's too dependant to break up with me, to end it, but apparently not too dependant to whore herself out to random assholes drunkenly in the bar? It makes no sense to me. I'm not mature enough to maintain a relationship like the one we had, she says. But how mature is it to act like a 15 year old kissing random assholes to make yourself feel better? Fuck this. I know that the beginning of the end started because of my stupid actions, this stupid lever between my legs controlling my actions. But I can only handle it for so long. I need to start looking out for myself, too. Eventually I'm going to snap if it keeps on like this. Four solids months of varying levels of depression is enough to break any man, and I'm close to that point. Enough is enough, I think it's finally time to move on. Both for her and for me.
Sarah, ich lieb dich noch, und werde nie damit aufhoeren. Ich weiss dass ich dir das nich gezeigt hab waehrend der letzten vier Monaten, aber ich meins im Ernst. Du bist meine erste echte liebe, und ich werde dich nie vergessen. Warscheinlich werden wir wieder sprechen, ich ruf dich morgan an weil Benoit gesagt hat dass es dir sehr schlimmm geht. Ich will dass du endlich gluecklich wirst weil keine braucht und verdient die Gluecklichheit mehr als du. Vielleicht bin ich nich der Richtiger fuer das. Ich dachte dass ich war, aber es sieht so aus als waere das nich richtig. Ich werde dich fuers immer lieben. Sei gut zu dir. Du bist die schoenste, purste Maedel was es gibt. Werde wieder gesund bevor du einige grosse Entscheidungen machst. Fast zwei Jahren ist nich nichts.
Goodbye people.
Sarah and I broke up. Or rather, I was forced to break up with her. I can't even explain what I'm feeling and thinking right now, it can't be put into words.
Ich haettes mir nie forstellen koennen dass unsere Beziehung sich so beenden koentte. Und Wuerde.
In November, I was a huge asshole. I cheated on the only girl I've ever really loved with someone I was intrigued with only because she was a writer and five years older than me. That was basically the beginning of the end. Although Sarah still visited me in Victoria, her whole time there was shit because I didn't pay enough attention to her, I didn't show everyone we met with that she was my life, that I loved her with all my heart. Which I did, in spite of my actions. And I still do love her. I honestly don't think I will ever stop loving her, at least with some of my heart.
Over the next few months, in spite of the fact that it was made clear to me by obvious means that things were very rocky, I continued to not treat her with the respect and devotion she deserved. She pulled me away from Canada for over a year. I gave my life to her, and in my short time in Victoria, it seems I forgot how much I loved her. Wow, I never thought that could happen but it did. After the incident with the girl/woman in Victoria, I never touched another girl, never even thought to. But my mind strayed and perhaps that's just as bad, even though I never considered anything actually happening.
The last week has been the biggest week of ups and downs in the past four months. I think it finally all became clear to me that I couldn't hold onto her forever when Sarah kissed another guy in a club last weekend. Although we were then "broken-up", I was still holding out on it in the hopes that we could work things out and begin to heal. Her kissing that guy smacked me in the face so hard that it felt like my skin was going to fall off. It broke my heart in half and stomped all over it. I never felt that way in my life. I was so sad, so angry, so hurt... I actually couldn't contain my feelings and blah blah there's a hole in my wall next to my bed now. But I didn't react how I thought I might. Although I was hurt, more than by anything ever before, I still wanted to continue, wanted to make that my wakeup call and start the healing. And she and I talked nicely for the next few days, it seemed almost like things were starting to beging to get better. But then yesterday, it went sour.
She doesn't like the company of friends I hold, and that is very clear. She wants her to be the only person I ever think of, the only one I'm interested in. And of course, romantically that makes perfect sense and is only to be expected in a relationship. But friends is also not acceptable, especially a few who will remained unnamed. Expectations that couldn't be met I guess.
Today we talked on the phone, and yeah, things didn't go so well again. It was peaceful for some of it, very bad for other parts, and ended worst of all. Basically I was made to break up with her. She says she can't do it, can't break up with my because she's too dependant. So I was made to do it. And that was the hardest thing I ever did. She sent me over the line, however, when she said "Don't be surprised if I go out again this weekend and kiss another guy in the bar." I couldn't handle that, that was too much.
Nearly two years together, and that's how it goes. She's too dependant to break up with me, to end it, but apparently not too dependant to whore herself out to random assholes drunkenly in the bar? It makes no sense to me. I'm not mature enough to maintain a relationship like the one we had, she says. But how mature is it to act like a 15 year old kissing random assholes to make yourself feel better? Fuck this. I know that the beginning of the end started because of my stupid actions, this stupid lever between my legs controlling my actions. But I can only handle it for so long. I need to start looking out for myself, too. Eventually I'm going to snap if it keeps on like this. Four solids months of varying levels of depression is enough to break any man, and I'm close to that point. Enough is enough, I think it's finally time to move on. Both for her and for me.
Sarah, ich lieb dich noch, und werde nie damit aufhoeren. Ich weiss dass ich dir das nich gezeigt hab waehrend der letzten vier Monaten, aber ich meins im Ernst. Du bist meine erste echte liebe, und ich werde dich nie vergessen. Warscheinlich werden wir wieder sprechen, ich ruf dich morgan an weil Benoit gesagt hat dass es dir sehr schlimmm geht. Ich will dass du endlich gluecklich wirst weil keine braucht und verdient die Gluecklichheit mehr als du. Vielleicht bin ich nich der Richtiger fuer das. Ich dachte dass ich war, aber es sieht so aus als waere das nich richtig. Ich werde dich fuers immer lieben. Sei gut zu dir. Du bist die schoenste, purste Maedel was es gibt. Werde wieder gesund bevor du einige grosse Entscheidungen machst. Fast zwei Jahren ist nich nichts.
Goodbye people.